Citing concern for its upkeep, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Governor of California, has requested that his very own Austrian army tank be returned from a museum in Ohio. Arnie also plans to offer rides in the tank to inner-city LA children as a reward for staying in school and avoiding drugs. That will work.

Leader’s latest whizz of an idea

After a very difficult week, Nick Clegg has hit upon a wizard wheeze to get the British political establishment to take him seriously. He is going to get himself an electric moped.

“People are laughing at me,” he must be saying. “What I really, really need is to be seen around town on a little Tonka toy that makes a noise like a bee and has a top speed of 15mph.”

Genius, isn’t it? Steve Webb, the Lib Dems’ environment spokesman, reveals Clegg’s plans in a forthcoming interview with GMTV Sunday. “Nick is experimenting with some sort of low-carbon moped for getting around London,” he says, “so I’m sure there’s a photograph coming of that!”

Oh, we do hope so. And all those Lib Dems who were so keen for a fresh start after Sir Ming Campbell, well, we bet they hope so too.

Ed Balls (Children, Schools, Families) releases a chick during a visit to a London school, above. Frankly, it's been a bit hard to figure out why. We called the DCSF, and it did not know. Then it called back, to say he was helping kids to learn how to count. Up to one?

Postscript

Victoria Beckham can breathe easy now she’s finally made it on to the hallowed cover of Vogue magazine. Inside, she reveals that it’s “tough being a pop star and a footballer’s wife”. Good job she’s not both, then.

Tony Blair will donate a signed transcript of his last ever conference speech for the Lighthouse’s annual gala auction at Christie’s next Monday. All proceeds will benefit the Terrence Higgins Trust. “This was the toughest conference speech I ever had to make but, I think, probably, my best,” runs his signed blurb. “With every good wish to whoever is crazy enough to pay money for it.” So, which is it, Tony? Really good or just a bit of tat that nobody would really want? Be clear, man. And a bit less unctuous.

Kristin Scott Thomas loves to play bad women, she tells The Source magazine. “And I’m very grateful for adultery, although each year I sort of feel I am growing out of it. It’s done me well.”

How to interest audiences in the technocratic tedium that was the historic House of Commons debate on the Lisbon treaty? See, you’re yawning already.

Radio 5 Live thought it had cracked it. It dispatched a reporter, Ross Hawkins, to the Barbican Theatre, where live television pictures of the debate were displayed for public scrutiny. Throughout the day presenters exhorted listeners to pop along, and Hawkins himself was out on the street, ushering people in.

That afternoon, the Drive Time presenter Peter Allen went to Hawkins, live. “How many are there?” he asked. “Er, two,” said the young reporter. “We had five a bit earlier today, but three walked out.”

It’s BBC Breakfast and so early that our cereal is still crunchy. And there, on our screens, is Chris Hollins, the sports presenter, discussing the facilities for athletes in the Beijing Olympic Village. “A shower might cause a few problems for Paula Radcliffe,” he said, displaying a photograph, “who as we know prefers an arse bath or two.” A sudden, deafening silence. Blank stares from his aghast co-presenters. “Sorry. An ice bath. I’d better go.”

Whispers from the Caribbean tell us that Sir Richard Branson is helping to fund an appeal against a resort on Beef Island in the British Virgin Islands, where a coalition of residents and conservationists have secured the services of Stephen Hockman, QC. Branson also has plans for a carbon-neutral eco-resort on nearby Mosquito Island.

A surprise, last-minute, no-show from Margaret Hodge at the Charming Vietnam Gala (a celebration of Vietnamese culture) at Westminster Hall on Wednesday night. Perhaps the Culture Minister was concerned that people from different backgrounds might not feel a part of it.

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