UP: HUGH LAURIE
Laurie - a human being so lovely and bright that, in a troubled world, merely uttering his name feels like saying a prayer - has been displaying superlative, ground-level analysis of the swings-and-roundabouts nature of fame. “[Being famous means that] you can get a table in a restaurant,” he muses. “But then you've got to go past a line of people who can't get a table - and that's a bad feeling.” But he goes on inadvertently to blow the lid off what will, surely, become one of the big media talking-points of the year. “I've [been given] a Burger King Gold Card,” he said casually - an invention of which Celebrity Watch was previously wholly unaware, yet is now instantly consumed by the concept of.

Nugatory Google research reveals that the American chatshow host Jay Leno is also in possession of this Burger King Gold Card, and that possession of said card entitles one to an almost limitless supply of free burgers. But after that small snippet, nothing. No one else will speak of it - it is as though some manner of celebrity burger omertà has been declared.

It's clear, however, that a new high water mark of celebrity and power has been established. Those with a Burger King Gold Card are the new Bilderberg Group; the new illuminati; the new “people who are invited to Sir Elton John's parties”. This is the pinnacle. The sesame-seed bunicle. These are the Burger King of Kings.

UP: LINDSAY LOHAN
As far as the tabloids are concerned, this is widely seen as “Lindsay Lohan Officially Being Declared A Lesbian Week”. What intrigues Celebrity Watch the most about the allegationis that, in the best way possible, no one seems to care, not in the slightest. It's as if the infamously “troubled” Lohanhas finally done something uncontroversial. Are we, as a society, finally becoming broad-minded, adult individuals, able to accept, even rejoice, in love in all its many forms?

UP: CLAIRE YOUNG
Celebrity Watch adores Claire, who looks like an unblinking killer thumb. We're glad Siralan did his usual thing (choosing, on the Apprentice finale, the third most average contestant with a penis, and a vocabulary of about 300 words, ie, Lee), freeing Claire to form YoungCo, buy out ColbyCo, go global and have Siralan's ass on a plate in a year.

NO CHANGE: Celebrity Watch fears a vicious backlash after Wayne and Coleen's wedding. For when a nation spends a whole year anticipating a footballer's wedding, it expects certain things: crowns, ice swans, bridal carriages not just modelled on a Fabergé egg but actually made of a Fabergé egg. Alas, the signs are that the Rooney nuptials will be relatively tasteful and so, obviously, no fun at all. We can only pray that, within a year, there will be a little Rooney Jr Miami Vice-themed christening.

UP: P. DIDDY
One of this world's more fascinating individuals, P. “Puff” “Daddy” Diddy has been discussing his fashion range, Sean John. “I've had men [who have bought this modish tat] tell me everything changed for them, including their sex life,” he explains, with scientific certainty. “It's fashion Viagra.” Celebrity Watch suggests that you check out the carnal allure of Sean John's wide plaid shorts ($58). Please tell us of any children conceived in an unstoppable carnival of lust as a result of having seen them.

DOWN: KERRY KATONA
Imagine working on OK!, weekly creating a world where nothing bad befalls famous people. And if it does, it needn't stop them having “on-trend” hair, “fabulous” houses or “sharing” their Argentine spa breaks. But at times even OK! must show the Francis Bacon-like reality of mankind, ie, this week, when it carried its beaming byline shot of columnist Katona, talking about an eventful week, under the headline: “My Dad's Dead.”

UP: GORDON RAMSAY
Tackling Britain's concern over children's diets head-on, and in a far more effective way than Jamie Oliver. “I tell my eight-year-old son, ‘If you don't eat your carrots, your widget won't grow',” Ramsay Said - in an oddly coy moment for a man who can refer to an onion as “a s****ing on-f***-ion. You c***”.

DOWN: PETE DOHERTY
Poor Pete is surprised at his parlous financial state. “I've got a few concerns ... over where the money has been going,” he said - standing in East London at 4am, atom-sized pupils fixed on his scabby hands, his scalp slicked with hat-incubated sebum, looking forward to seeing his chums “Wolfman”, Amy Winehouse and “Johnny Headlock”. We share his puzzlement. Where could his money have gone?

DOWN: DANIEL CRAIG
The actor reportedly “cut his finger” on the set of the new Bond film and spent a morning in hospital. Celebrity Watch now is furious on the upsettingly handsome Craig's behalf. A cut finger? They told us about this? The PR people might just as well have issued a statement reading: “Today, Daniel Craig delayed filming with a particularly crampy period.” In the heyday of Hollywood PR, this story wouldn't have left the set until it had Craig picking up his own severed head, playing keepy-uppy with it for ten minutes, scoring a goal with it, casually nailing it back on, then bedding Lana Turner. In the nude.

DOWN: MEG MATHEWS
Quote of the week comes from Meg Mathews, the former Mrs Wonderwall, who says that she came to London at the age of 17 “to buy a pair of shoes, and never left”. Celebrity Watch just wants Meg to know that it understands where she's coming from. It understands only too well. But also that if you keep the receipt, you have 30 days to change your mind - and your mum's probably quite worried by now.

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