UP: Valerie Singleton

Two decades' worth of scurrilous speculation has finally bitten the dust: Valerie Singleton is not a lesbian. She is not shacked up, as the gossips of the playground insisted, with the folk singer Joan Armatrading. No.

Instead, in a bafflingly yet fascinatingly frank interview, Singleton has proudly detailed “romps” with her Blue Peter co-host Peter Purves and the actor Albert Finney. The latter anecdote included the winning detail that while “rolling around” on a sofabed with Finney, she'd nearly set fire to their love-nest, as it was perilously close to a two-bar heater. Yes, it turns out that Singleton is a full-blooded, man-hungry wench. She has real “bring and buy appeal”. She put the “Blue” into Blue Peter, and turned Peter Purves into Peter Pervy when she showed him “something she'd made earlier” - ie, a decision to have sex with him. I can't quite work out how to get “sticky back plastic” in there. Sorry.

Nearly a week after this interview, though, CW feels that Singleton is old news. Instead, CW's thoughts now turn to the person who made up the lesbian rumour in the first place. Who is he? Why did he do it? Did anyone later come up to him and tell him the story - as he looked away, eyes heavy with the weary world-weight of his deceit? Would he like, perhaps, to come and confess all to the understanding ears of Celebrity Watch? Please e-mail CW if you are the person who originally, and falsely, alleged that Singleton was a lesbian: caitlin.moran@thetimes.co.uk. Your “journey” is a parable of modern celebrity, and needs to be told.

DOWN: Amy Winehouse
As another car-crash week unfolds in Winehouse's life (rehab, emphysema), a theory emerges. What was the turning point in between “Brit school” Winehouse and “Evil black crow that perches on grand viziers' shoulders” Winehouse? Her hair: as her troubles have grown, so, exponentially, has its volume. Thus CW can only conclude that what's on her head is not a retro up-do, but a demon that is trying to kill her. She needs 15 Hail Marys - fast.

DOWN: Jenny Frost
The “one on the right” from Atomic Kitten has an anecdote. She recently met Dave Grohl, of the rock band Foo Fighters, and said “I love you”, marvelling afterwards: “I'm so pervy!” CW would like to remind her that the established canon of celeb pervosity includes Jerry Lee Lewis marrying his 13-year-old cousin, Led Zeppelin and the fish and Chuck Berry wiring up his nightclub so that he could film people using the toilet. In this climate, Frost's frankly weak “love” anecdote is a waste of all our time.

UP: David Beckham
As his Armani underwear campaign gathers pace, a 60ft-high billboard of Beckham has been unveiled in San Francisco, to screams from the 3,000-strong crowd. CW has studied these images in some (eye-watering), detail, and concludes that they can, in no way, be documentary truth. Beckham would surely have needed medical attention if they were, as it would mean that his genitalia weigh more than his wife.

UP: Brokeback Mountain
The modern classic movie of same-sex love is, Reuters reports, to be made into a musical. Can CW be the first to say Oklahomo!?

UP: David Hasselhoff
The actor whose main thespian partners have been a) Pamela Anderson, and b) a sarcastic, slightly gay car, is in the news again. America's Got Talent co-star Piers Morgan says Hasselhoff vanished during a lunchbreak, returning with a deep-orange spray tan. The surprising thing isn't that a celeb in LA can change his ethnicity in an hour, but that Morgan noticed something not about himself.

DOWN: Kevin Federline
Column inches record that the ex Mr Britney Spears has a new girlfriend. The former backing dancer is giving the benefit of his existence to luckyAngelina Marie. Given that CW now knows the name of someone who is going out with someone who was once married to someone famous, we wonder: how far down the chain does reflected celebrity stretch? Is CW now, in a weird way, famous, too, simply for reading about her?

DOWN: Jennifer Lopez
Apparently, La Lopez has been “struggling to cope” with new-motherhood. The source adds that Lopez is “training for a triathlon” to lose the baby-weight, and has been “hitting the gym at 4am - before the twins wake up”. CW doesn't wish to belittle the burdens of the new mother, but suspects that post-partum ab crunches at dawn might be the source of all the stress.

DOWN: Naomi Campbell
Booted out from today's concert for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday - at the statesman's personal request. Intriguing to see that Mandela took decisive action over a hissy clotheshorse kicking up over BA's customer service before condemning Robert Mugabe's actions.

DOWN: Wayleen
Their wedding has been dubbed “disappointing”, mainly because of fatally low levels of bling, mawk or argy-bargy. “Fans” have described it as “lucklustre” and “completely unmemorable”. While, in a democracy, everyone is allowed a near limitless amount of free comment, it should be noted that these people don't, actually, have any memories - not having been at the wedding. CW feels almost faint about having to point this out.

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