UP: Ekaterina Ivanova

While much has been made in the press about Ronnie Wood's current alcoholic-relapse-cum-bus-pass-life-crisis, very little thought has been spared for his recent “drinking companion”, the 20-year-old Russian cocktail waitress Ekaterina Ivanova.

Celebrity Watch, however, is greatly taken by her situation. It has caused much sympathetic reflection. After all, she's a 20-year-old Soho waitress with really good hair, who can match a Rolling Stone drink for drink. She's not your normal semijailbait crumpet.

Given this, then, we can't imagine how odd the past few weeks have been for Ivanova. Wood, after all, famously owns an Irish mansion, with his own pub in the grounds. This is where he spent 11 days holed up earlier this month, reportedly drinking two bottles of vodka a day with her, before checking into rehab.

For her, the culture shock must have been crushing. What started off as a thrilling, A-list flirtation in the zinc-topped bars of Soho landed her in an old man's pub in the middle of a bog, in the rain. Here, a 61-year-old grandad who looks like a crow made of coathangers was rambling, semi-incoherently, about things generationally mysterious to Ivanova: “farthings” and “skiffle” and “Bonzo” and “Spam”.

At this point, Ivanova must surely be wishing she'd held fire and just gone lesbian for Winehouse instead. In addition, she must surely have some sense of just how greatly parodic an alcoholic rock-star falling for a cocktail waitress 41 years his junior is. It's almost a war against credulity. Like Elvis marrying a bun.

UP: Adrian Chiles

The One Show's hot Brummie presenter is also newly single. As one of Britain's foremost deadpan drollsters, would it not make deep, instinctive sense - both in the realms of international diplomatic relations, and sexual voodoo - for Chiles to record a duet with Silverman called And The Hot Ass Of Chiles Is Next On My Sex List?

UP: Sarah Silverman

A stampede towards the forecourt carnations this week - the “edgy” US comedian Sarah Silverman is newly single. Predominantly known in the UK for her I'm F***ing Matt Damon song (24 million YouTube views and rising), over in the US, Silverman is viewed as some manner of comedy deity. Who knew that being a goddess was as simple as looking like Audrey Hepburn but riffing like Lenny Bruce? If only Celebrity Watch hadn't doggedly been doing it the other way round for 33 years. But her newfound eligibility makes us think of...

UP: Mark Ronson

This week marks the 27th week in a row of Mark Ronson being the most handsome man in the world. Today we must pay tribute to his luminous eyes. Observe how potent they are. Witness their coal-black, endless mojo. Even though the actuality of this picture is of Ronson looking at a fat, sweaty paparazzo in a pair of shorts, his eyes still project, through the lens, the message that he wants us, very badly - so badly that he might die from the lack of us. Amazing.

UP: Barack Obama

The Barack Obama campaign has just taken a left turn into genius. On Monday, the senator announced that, should he become President of the United States of America, his first move would be to get his children - aged 7 and 10 - a dog. Now, all his team have to do is run an ad campaign showing a tearful, wistful, lonely Malia Ann Obama, with the strapline “Baby Obama wants a schnauzer. Make it happen. Vote OBAMA”, and they can ride this whole campaign over the finishing line.

DOWN: Emma Griffiths and Matt Willis

After widespread quotidian disappointment over the wedding of Wayne and Coleen, great hope was pinned on the nuptials of the MTV presenter Emma Griffiths and her fiancé Matt Willis, formerly of the pop group Busted. Not least because he'd checked out of rehab four weeks previously, and she promised “elephant surprises”. Alas, while Celebrity Watch was thinking of Blue Peter-type “elephant surprises”, in the event, the Willises were merely talking about small, elephant-shaped cookies. CW fears for a couple who don't know the difference between a media-trailed “surprise” and “a biscuit”. They would not do well in the event of, say, a sudden, brutal uprising of psycho robots.

UP: David Gest's hair

Celebrity Watch loves David Gest's hair. Sometimes blue, sometimes purple, occasionally the colour of Oxford marmalade catching on the bottom of a copper pan, it expresses so much more than what we have come to think of as “silent hair” - hair that stubbornly remains a single, fixed colour, as if this were 1769 or something. CW suspects that while most US celebrities claim to have “some Native American blood”, Gest actually has “some cuttlefish blood”.

DOWN: Michael Jackson

Celebrity Watch declines to comment on the recent pap shots of Michael Jackson - which suggest that for his latest template of beauty, Jackson is referencing those Victorian freak-show mermaids, made by sewing half a monkey to half a fish - and focuses instead on his career. Apparently, Jackson is planning a live comeback, supported by New Kids on the Block. In terms of cheap gags, he might as well drop quick e-mails to The Kids from Fame, Billy Childish, Sydney Youngblood, Babyshambles, The Offspring and Boyz II Men, too.

UP: Liz Hurley

According to press reports, Hurley goes to her local Waitrose four times a week. Initially this seems baffling, but having read countless interviews with Hurley about her constant weight battle, Celebrity Watch reckons it knows what's going on here. It must be that Hurley's sole, weekly nourishment is whatever cheese samples they have on cocktail sticks at the deli.

UP: Hugh Hefner

In a soon-to-be-published book, we hear of a 31-year-old near-tragedy. Apparently, the filth-magnate Hefner almost died in 1977, when an “unspecified oral love-toy” became lodged in his windpipe during a “love romp” with the Playmate of the Year. Of course, had the Playmate's subsequent Heimlich Manoeuvre failed, we would have one comfort: knowing that being autofellated to death by a small, vibrating love egg is exactly how Hef would want to go.

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