1. UP Team GB
In recent history Britain's first postOlympian week has been dedicated to the ritual of pretending that three bronzes in clay pigeon throwing is a glorious haul, all told; that winning anything more is for gaucher countries, such as the US, or Albania; and that training any harder would make the athletes develop unsightly muscles, which would subsequently get in the way while they were making bons mots, drinking tea and releasing quirky pop records. Not any more. Team GB returned to the country this week in a blaze of glory and headlines, having irrevocably elevated Great Britain to Fourth Best in The World at Sports-Day-Type Events. Ostensibly, every single one of our magnificent Olympians is, both literally and in a more colloquial way, a WINNER!

Except, of course, they're not. For these days, the real Gold medal is being able to convert your glory into celebrity, and then reap all the subsequent vitamin tonic endorsements, motivational talking gigs and BBC commentary spots therein. These are good times, then, for Rebecca Adlington, Nicola Cooke and Chris Hoy. All have their endearing, media-friendly quirks - Adlington's shoe obsession, Cooke's Welshness, Hoy's thighs. Even Rebecca Romero - dismissed by many as simply too scary for subsequent national treasure-dom - could earn a respectable living doing Fierce Athletic Diva-themed PAs at G.A.Y.

Alas, however, for Britain's gold-medal rowers. For despite being both victorious and buff - usually the 21st-century jackpot combination - Britain simply has no more vacancies for gold-medallist rowers. We just couldn't squeeze another one in. Sir Matthew Pinsent already has to wait for Sir Steve Redgrave to phone in sick before he gets any work. The new gold medallists would have to wait for Pinsent and Redgrave to go on a camping holiday together and catch necrotising fasciitis before they got the call from the BBC. CW advises retraining as shot-putters.

2. UP Cher
The singer/actress is reported to have been cast as Catwoman in the next Batman movie, over the hotly tipped Angelina Jolie. CW can only hope that this is a Hollywood aesthetic turning point, which will see David Jason as Mr Freeze, June Whitfield as Poison Ivy and Dame Judi Dench as Robin.

3. DOWN Princess Beatrice
This week the tabloids published pictures of the splendidly thighed Beatrice next to her 48-year-old mother, the Duchess of York. This was accompanied by such disingenuous comments as “They look more like sisters than mother and daughter”, and inaudible yet palpable sniggering. CW reviles this petty sniping from the commoners. Beatrice's thighs are a triumph of adaptive genes - honed so that generations of huge frock-wearing, state-banquet-attending royals have evolved bottom halves shaped like crinolines.

4. DOWN Kate Moss
Moss surely rises to the summit of any putative Most Dedicated Smoker in the World Award, with her anecdote about meeting Frank Sinatra. “I said ‘Happy Birthday, Frank',” Moss recalls. “Then he just lunged at me, kissed me on the lips - and gave me a filterless cigarette.” Amazing. There cannot be many who would have a sexually formative experience with the Chairman of the Board - Old Cold Dead Blue Eyes - yet come away primarily remembering the fag.

5. DOWN Peaches Geldof
Geldof - who dismissed being resuscitated by an ambulance crew on the ground that “creative people make mistakes”; presumably up to and including such slip-ups as letting your heart stop - got married a couple of weeks ago to a musician she'd known for a month. To the great concern of the tabloids, Geldof then immediately jetted off on holiday alone, while her new husband went on tour with his band. But hey! Let's not knock Geldof's method. After all, if you marry someone you've scarcely met, then subsequently never see him/her again, why would you ever have cause to divorce? No man can put the Geldof-Identikitindiemallrats asunder! Or, indeed, together.

6. UP Sir Humphrey Appleby
This week, Daniel Craig revealed his ultimate standpoint on geopolitical crises: “If the s*** hits the fan ... like goosestepping Nazi bastards ... the Civil Service will turn around and say: ‘We've got it covered'.” CW receives this news with alarm. When James actual Bond reveals that he's banking on Sir Humphrey Appleby from Yes, Prime Minister to bail his arse out, it is time, perhaps, to restock the millennium cupboard.

7. UP Amy Winehouse
CW's favourite walking hair incident has made another announcement: declaring her interest in appearing on the lo-fi teatime anagram quiz, Countdown. Given that Channel 4 is seeking a replacement for Carol Vorderman, an obvious development stares us all in the face. Winehouse could lie in until 4pm, let Rick Wakeman in Dictionary Corner bear the brunt of the ODNKEY [ANAG] work, then use the 60 seconds of the Countdown clock to spark up her crack pipe, thus averting a Countdown comedown. “Two from the top, three from the bottom and one in the nose, please.”

8. UP CelebAir's Cast
ITV2 - always at the forefront of borderline insane reality TV formats - has come up trumps again. CelebAir boasts a raft of celebrities so beyond Z-list that their description may need recourse to the Mandarin alphabet, trying to run an airline. Yes, Lisa Scott-Lee, Chico and Kenzie from Blazin' Squad will be in charge of monitoring the airworthiness of 747s, guiding jets through international airways and bailing out into the Pacific in the event of total engine failure. It's dampening to reflect that, these days, the only way that they can get into First Class is if they're handing out gin, hot towels and nuts.

9. DOWN Coleen Rooney
This week Rooney commenced her new career - as a columnist on OK! magazine - with her first “EXCLUSIVE!” emblazoned on the cover. “What it's REALLY like being Mrs Wayne Rooney,” the cover promised. Inside, however, Mrs Wayne Rooney revealed - with a touching candour, given the build-up - that being Mrs Wayne Rooney was “exactly the same as before, really”. Presumably next week's column will be “the sameness of last week is the same this week, again”. This column is dynamite.

10. DOWN Danielle Bux
Bux - currently reversing the nation's shrugging response of “Who?” by going on a series of sexy holidays with Gary Lineker - has been explaining that, since dating Lineker, she has put on 8lb (3.6kg). “It's true what they say about gaining weight when you're happy!” Bux giggled. CW doesn't wish to belittle Bux's momentous life changes, but really. 8lb? How can she tell? CW has applied that amount of Elnett hairspray in one sitting. It has worn more eyeliner. It has picked things of a greater weight from between its molars.

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