DOWN Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand

What times we live in - what times. We can put a man on the Moon, we can vaccinate against flu - but we just can't shuuut uuup about Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross. If nothing else has been achieved this week - and, let's face it, it really hasn't - we can, at least, comfort ourselves with having achieved a new British record in self-righteous quacking. During seven days that have tested everyone's credulity to the limits, two men famous for being edgy and rude were a bit edgier and ruder than usual, set off a media storm that threatened to break the very tea-cup it raged in, involved the Prime Minister - who surely has better things to do than tell Russell Brand off for being a naughty boy - and eventually led to Brand resigning, and to Ross being suspended. Now CW doesn't condone Brand and Ross's original broadcast. Not at all. Aside from being fatally not funny, it also rather cut into Brand's and Ross's images as saucy, dashing fops. Having a fit of pique over a 78-year-old man not turning up for an interview, and then haranguing him about having banged his goth granddaughter, is less Mr D'Arcy and more Mr, well, Arsey.

But suspensions? Resignations? The leader of the country getting involved? Over a duff gag? If nothing else, such punitive measures are going to put off a whole generation from going into comedy. This trend for forcing resignations from the BBC the first time anyone makes a mistake - see also Angus Deayton, Peter Fincham - is nuts. It's a broadcasting corporation, not the Holy See. At this rate, by 2010 there won't be anyone left at the BBC save virgins and jobsworths. As it is, Radio 2 - without Brand or Ross - will have to pump Terry Wogan with amphetamines, and force him to broadcast 24/7, until he accidentally says “loo” instead of “toilet”, and we have to fire him into outer space, naked, covered in rats, because we're so ANGRY with him.

The whole thing has become a bit too hysterical - a bit too, well, American - for CW's liking. Let's face it - in ten years' time, we will not be looking back at 2008 and saying, in voices that still crack with emotion, “That thing with Manuel's grand- daughter, eh?” Or if we are, it will be over CW's dead, despairing body.

UP David Tennant

Tennant has confirmed, finally, that he is resigning as Doctor Who at the end of next year - ending three years of speculation, and someone from The Sun asking, “So when are you leaving, then, David?” at every press conference. But CW knew that Tennant was leaving as early as last Thursday. Yes, when CW bumped into him at the local Costa, Tennant revealed that he'd just bought a big house around the corner. “Hmmm!” CW thought, mind working as fast as a computer hit by hot lightning “You would not be buying a house in London if you were spending the next two years shooting Doctor Who in Cardiff! You have resigned! And despite what you say, you should consider underfloor heating - it pays in the long-run!” And yet, despite this being the only exclusive CW has ever got remotely near to, CW kept its counsel, like a wise old owl, to protect the privacy of one of the nation's most respected actors. Sometimes, CW is just a bit of a hero like that.

DOWN Richard and Judy

Immense sorrow for fans of programmes that can take in the Booker Prize nominees, Rwandan massacres and candida, all in ten minutes: Richard and Judy's new show is tanking. New Position was launched three weeks ago, in a flurry of publicity, but has since seen its ratings freefall - down to 21,000 by Monday.

The problem is that, despite high-calibre guests such as Samuel L. Jackson and Les Dennis, New Position is on one of those cable channels - in this case, Watch - that are like post-Soviet collapse Eastern Europe. You've heard of these places (Lithuania, Estonia, Belarus/Nuts TV, TMF, Dave +1), you know roughly where they are (near the Urals/near Men and Motors), but you've never actually been there. And you probably never will.

UP Duffy's twin sister

Welsh pop sensation Duffy - you know, sounds like Dusty Springfield, wears red hotpants, cries in her video - is too busy to enjoy the fruits of her success. “I don't get five minutes to myself,” she says. But all Duffy's potential fun isn't being wasted - for Duffy has a twin sister, Katy! “She goes to a club, and gets the star treatment - private booths, free drinks.” Reading this, it becomes obvious: all stars should have a twin. Clearly it would be better if they were evil - or maybe robots, under the control of SMERSH - but we could make do with a normal one, if we had to. In these time-pressured days, celebrity twins are the future. One for business and one for pleasure. One to earn it and one to burn it. How efficient.

DOWN Xmas Top of the Pops

There is one matter on which we had all better chillax a little - and that is Top of the Pops. Not only was the weekly show axed in 2006, but the BBC has now announced that there will be no Christmas Day Top of the Pops either. This is clearly a cultural disaster - the equivalent of bombing St Paul's Cathedral, then kicking all the rubble into the Thames. One of the linchpins of the modern Christmas is explaining to an elderly relative who the Pussycat Dolls are, failing to remember any of the lyrics to Justin Timberlake's Sexyback, and exclaiming, “God, I'd forgotten how duff this Razorlight single is”, to little or no interest from the rest of the room. The cessation of this ritual cannot be tolerated. CW feels certain that the public will rise up and declare an independent People's Republic of Christmas Top of The Pops. Hosted by Noddy Holder dressed as Santa, featuring AT LEAST four numbers by Girls Aloud (all in different costumes), and Amy Winehouse, with her big hair dyed green and covered in fairylights. Christmas Top of The Pops - by the people, for the people, of the people. Liberty, equality, Britney.

UP Led Zeppelin

Frankly amazing times for BBC Radio Devon, which broke a gigantic world exclusive on Tuesday. Cornering Led Zeppelin bassist John Paul Jones at a “guitar show in Exeter”, a cub reporter got him to reveal that Led Zeppelin will be re-forming - and seeking to replace the legendary Robert Plant with new lead singer! Within hours, this momentous news had been beamed across the world - presumably to the angina of Led Zeppelin's PR who, one imagines, didn't plan to break this exclusive on BBC Radio Yeo Valley Yoghurt. But who will be the Zep's new singer? Equally vast of voice and large of rock'n'roll appetite? Current odds are: Charlotte Church, 4-1. Duffy's twin sister, 8-2, soon-to-be-available Richard and Judy, 25-1.

DOWN Mark Wahlberg

The actor has been reassessing his life. For before Hollywood success, Wahlberg was “Marky Mark” of pop group Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. And, during those halcyon days, he “lived life to the full”, as the tabloids say. “The stuff I did with my entourage is not stuff I'm proud of, and I'm asking forgiveness,” Wahlberg said. But The Funky Bunch sounded like such nice, polite, non-threatening men who habitually stripped down to their pants. “Hector The Booty Inspector”, surely, would never have done anything wrong. CW stoutly refuses to believe it.

UP The Duchess of York

CW likes the Duchess of York. Indeed, when CW was 13, it kept a scrapbook on the Duchess, and would often caption pictures of her with “A BEATIFUL WOMAN” [sic]. CW is very pro jolly ginger chicks with junk in their trunk, who look as if they snort when they laugh. However, the Duchess may have made an error, vis-à-vis the future romantic entanglements of her daughter. Hornbag Russell Brand has apparently claimed to “have a thing” for the Duchess's daughter, Princess Eugenie. Understandably alarmed, the Duchess replied that Brand would “have to go through her”. From what we've heard, dear, you're just making it worse.

UP Little and Large

This week, Little and Large were catapulted back to the top of the news agenda, following revelations that they have been haunting the subconscious of the pop starRobbie Williams! Apparently, Williams has been dreaming about the comedy duo - ending only when he called Syd Little “for a chat”. But now Williams's Little and Large dreams are over, what light entertainment figures from the Seventies or Eighties will take their place? The Roly Polys? BubbleMan from The Paul Daniels Magic Show? Or maybe the cast of the controversial BBChospital drama that followed the lives of a bunch of nurses, broadcast from 1975 to 1983. Then - that's right - he'd be loving Angels instead.

DOWN Jodie Marsh

CW tries to keep from you the worst aspects of celebrity culture. There are no Big Brother contestants here. No X-Factor weepers. No Vernon Kaye. But as a matter of almost scientific fact, we feel that we must call to your attention the latest antics of Jodie Marsh. Marsh - a little-clothed glamour model who auditioned for, then married a husband for an MTV reality show - has announced that she is, for the time being at least, a lesbian. By CW's reckoning, Marsh has now run very nearly the entire gamut of attention-seeking behaviour, and has few “career moves” left. Indeed, there's only a) cancer, b) adopting an African child and calling it “Jodina”, or c) annexing the Rhineland.

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