Now Lloyd Webber must dance to Putin's tune

Andrew Lloyd Webber is closer to solving a problem like the Eurovision after extensive negotiations with Vladimir Putin. Lord Lloyd-Webber was invited to the Russian Prime Minister’s dacha to discuss an end to the Eastern bloc vote that has denied British hopes, before next year’s Moscow final.

“I expected 15 minutes but we talked for 1 hour and 27 minutes,” said the peer, charged with selecting our song for Europe, at a London Capital Club lunch.

“Putin explained that there are many Russians living in Balkan countries and this influences their vote.

“He suggested a Russian Orthodox Church influence on Jesus Christ Superstar - he was correct - and we discussed the relationship between Islam and Christianity.”

Putin then complimented Lord Lloyd-Webber on his Variations piece for cello and introduced him to a Russian friend of his brother, Julian.

Putin promised his personal vote for the British entry. But now the peer, who has whittled down the finalists to six for a BBC series, must surely write a Balkan-influenced tune to convince the target electorate.

The posthumous Papers of Hugo Young, the political writer, record why Kenneth Baker was overlooked by Mrs Thatcher in 1979. “He was left out of the Government by an oversight: the jobs ran out before they realised they hadn’t given him one.”

The publication of Soho Society, the memoirs of the Groucho Club host Bernie Katz, evoked memories of the watering hole for Stephen Fry. “Someone was trying to persuade me to stay for one more. I knew I had filming the next day so I refused,” he recalled. “Francis Bacon said to me, ‘You have a little man, don’t you? You have a little man, who lives in your head and tells you when it’s time to stop. Be thankful for that little man. Greater men have fallen through lack of one’."

Postscript

— Liam Gallagher, of Oasis, has analysed his band’s inability to crack the States: “The main reason is they obviously don’t like us,” he tells Loaded. “We are miserable.” Does he approve of Noel’s solo album plan? “I hope he gives it away for free, because I won’t be buying it.”

— Devastating news from Broadcasting House. The Woman’s Hour message board is to close. Citing a lack of staff resources to manage the (ever acrimonious) online forum, the plug will finally be pulled on the site in two weeks’ time. Current topics, such as “Granny pants or thongs?”, Jane Garvey’s class obsession and “Is foreplay overrated?” will, sadly, never be resolved. Shame.

— Kimberley Quinn (formerly Fortier), David Blunkett’s former flame and the former publisher of The Spectator, has become a writer of children’s books. The Queen Must Die is the cheery title for her authorial debut.

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