DOWN P. Diddy
It's what all artists and performers wonder: “Which will be the defining moment of my career? Which? Will it be my hysterical weeping as I receive my Oscar? Will it be setting up a charitable foundation called ‘My Ass For Africa', in which every time someone mentions how perfect my butt is they are moved to donate $5 to the starving? Or will it simply be when I receive my Nobel Prize for ‘Best Face'?”

In the case of the name-changing rap-mogul P. Diddy, formerly Puff Daddy, he need speculate no more! For this week he was revealed to be Los Angeles's most enthusiastic proponent of “manscaping” - the tinting and dying of grey pubic hair, back to a more “youthful” hue. Indeed, he is said to have ordered an “entire range” of dyes - suggesting that he's even experimenting, to find out which colour best “brings out” his eyes.

Given that this comes in the same week that Diddy announced that he'd spent $500,000 shooting an “audition” for the role of James Bond, it's quite clear that there need be no further speculation on how he will be remembered: as the scientifically proven high-tide mark for midlife crisis.

However, according to Nancy Jarecki - the owner of the “Betty Beauty” range, and source of this fascinating insight into P. Diddy - he isn't the only celebrity staring down into the contents of his pants and issuing a firm, Canute-like “No!” Jarecki has also sent her short & curlies low-lighting kit to the comedian Jack Black - presumably to make him even blacker - and the actor Ben Stiller, who has a name that Celebrity Watch has struggled, ultimately unsuccessfully, to get a pubic-hair joke out of.

In these recessionary times, CW cannot help but applaud the invention of a whole new industry - male pubic hairdressing - founded on a previously non-existent worry: that you might have a man-muff like Father Christmas's beard. Hurrah for the inventiveness of Mankind! Hurrah! Hurray! Haroo!

UP Shane Warne
The “colourful” Australian cricketer - and when we say “colourful”, we mean “chunky fag-smoking leg-spin bowler with a predilection for text-message infidelity, ingestion of banned substances and match-fixing allegations”, and not that he wears bright jumpers - has had a musical written about his life. After its Australian premiere this week, Shane Warne: The Musical has been approved of by Warne - opening, surely, the floodgates for other sporting musicals. For Ronaldo: Hello, Volley! For Lester Piggot: Best Ride Story! And, of course, the unforgettably moving story of Sir Trevor Brooking's life: Trevita!

DOWN Strictly Come Dancing
As you may have gathered, there has been tabloid outrage over Strictly Come Dancing. Because of an anomaly in the scoring system, three celebrities will enter this weekend's final instead of two. So far, 1,800 people have complained, and the BBC has promised to refund voting fees. CW wants to assure you that you are wholly right in both not caring about this and feeling quite irritated that some people seem to spend all their free time screaming “Miss! The BBC done a wrong!” and s***-stirring us into a future where the BBC consists solely of the weather forecast and a single episode of In the Night Garden.

DOWN Guy Ritchie
The most exciting thing that's ever happened to Britain - Madonna marrying one of our salt-of-the-earth millionaire film directors, moving here and eating fish and chips - is over. The details of Madonna's divorce pay-off to Guy Ritchie have been announced, denied and announced again - with the quoted figures hovering between $72 million and $96 million. Should even the lesser figure be accurate, this is $71.4 million more than the box office earned from Madonna and Ritchie's sole artistic collaboration, the 2002 movie Swept Away. The account sheets of a failed marriage are quite poignant.

DOWN Michael Jackson
The financially troubled former King of Pop is auctioning off some of his 479 trillion possessions, including his iconic “Billie Jean Glitter Glove” and the gates to his Neverland ranch. Yes, it has now become “Never-never land”. He is now the King of Hock. He's Michael Jauction. He'll be taking the radiators Off The Wall and selling them next. Still, it's not just the financial considerations that are key in this jettisoning of memorabilia. There is an emotional subtext, too. Jackson is, after all, 50, and your fifties are a time when you leave more youthful enterprises - such as wearing one glove, and living in the middle of an almost perpetually deserted funfair-cum-zoo - behind you, and move on to more age-appropriate activities, such as being destitute and living off tinned ham and Werther's Originals.

The continuing collapse of Jackson's life makes an interesting background to the suddenly apparent advances in glitter technology. When he premiered the “Glitter Glove” in 1983 it looked like a spangled flash of sex-pop-robot brio. Examining it in the cold light of 2008, however, the glove looks unexpectedly chunky and non-lissom: a bit like Goldfrapp's oven glove, to be honest. There's nothing that dates less elegantly than the future.

One final note: Jackson plans to donate a portion of the auction profits to MusiCares - a charitable organisation that helps out musicians in financial need. So, no rampant self-interest there, then.

DOWN Nigella Lawson
Lawson was castigated recently for light-heartedly commenting that “going into a shop and buying a fur coat would be an act of weakness - but if I could go into the woods and kill a bear myself, I would wear it, proudly, as a trophy”. Interestingly, in the same week, the pretty-boy TV survivalist Bear Grylls attempted to tackle an unscaled mountain and fell and broke his shoulder. Quick, Nigella! Grab him and skin him while he's down!

UP Jordan
More amazingness from the world of Jordan, the former topless model whose career is now so kaleidoscopically varied (pink perfume, pink riding tackle, pink bed linen, pink kids' books, pink porny calendar) that CW fears people will start calling her a polymath. This week the gargantuan-breasted one revealed her technique for finding mislaid possessions, such as a hand-towel encrusted with pink diamonds: “Security cameras, all over the house. If we [lose] something, we just rewind the tape.”

UP Kiefer Sutherland
Here is Kiefer with his father, Donald, after being inducted into the Hollywood Walk of Fame. CW has a soft spot for Kiefer - not least because he once, after a “couple” of whiskies, wrestled a Christmas tree to the ground in a hotel lobby, but only after asking the concierge's permission. Mad and polite, that's how CW likes them. Looking at this picture, CW sighs: “Phwoargh, we wish we were Donald Sutherland.” But not the “being Kiefer's dad” bit; that would make it weird, and sexually wrong. Oh dear. CW is all confused.

DOWN Sylvester Stallone
Last week CW gave you a pic of the infamously “under 5ft 3in” Tom Cruise holding a tiny toy giraffe, an attempt at “perspective manipulation” to make a gulliblepublic think he's 97ft tall. This week similar optical illusions from Sylvester Stallone, holding a dog the size of a mouse that he hopes we will mistake for an antelope. No you don't, Sly! You don't fool us with the chihuahua/antelope trick! Not again!

DOWN The Duchess of York
The Duchess is “distraught” that her laptop, containing “intimate” family photos, has been stolen. CW can assure her that, if the pics are anything like those on CW's laptop, it's 40 shots of the underside of a café table taken by a toddler who “borrowed” the iPhone; a shot of a party that looks as if it's taking place in a huge bowl of soup; and a self- portrait, taken at 3am on a Friday, in which the subject is engaged in a mega-gurn and seems to be explaining the concept of nine vodka tonics using only her eyes. You won't miss them, love.

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