Down. Katie Price and Peter Andre
Where were you when you heard the news — that Peter Andre and Katie Price, aka
Jordan, were to divorce? Celebrity Watch can tell you where it was — in a
perfectly normal day and then suddenly in one of the most cataclysmic days
of its life. To respect the fact that this is the biggest celebrity news of
the year, a State of Emergency has been called across the whole of CW and —
utilising contingency plans drawn up in the 24 hours that we thought the
column was at risk of pig flu and/or revelations about our expenses — we are
devoting this week’s column to every aspect of this B-list epoch.
Of course, there are many who will, admirably, blanch at the idea of a world
where the sad fact of a failed marriage is being publicly debated, and with
such a seemingly light-hearted tone.
And usually CW would be among them. We never like to discuss such matters,
unless we have had two Martinis and are with our particularly bitchy friend,
Paul. But the odd situation with the Price-Andres is that their marriage
wasn’t simply between two people, conducted in their house, the supermarket
and, on occasion, in hissed exchanges in the aisle at Ikea. Katie Price’s
£30 million wealth and cultural prominence comes from the fact that she was
the first celebrity to cut out the paparazzi middle-men, and kiss’n’tell on
herself.
In this respect, her marriage to Peter Andre wasn’t just a relationship. The
focus of eight reality TV series over five years, it was also a product and
a career. Arguments weren’t merely a difference of opinion between a husband
and a wife — they were subject to excited press releases sent out by ITV2.
To paraphrase Diana, Princess of Wales, there were 60,000,002 of us in this
marriage. Katie, Peter and the population of Great Britain. It was a little
crowded.
Indeed, in many ways, the people most affected by their separation are us. Not
“US” as in the United States of America. Katie & Peter:
The Next Chapter tanked over there. The US couldn’t care less.
No, I mean us. The public. After all, Peter and Katie are just two
people who have been troubled by this divorce. But there’s millions of us.
Statistically, our ensuing confusion, anger and sadness is far more valid
than theirs at this time. I hope that they are thinking about that. I hope
that they are thinking about their customers.
Up. Conspiracy theories
These started the moment of the announcement. In fact, some hardcore
conspiracy theorists believe that they started before the
announcement, and that the Pentagon has tried to hush it up — but CW is
trying to keep away from those people and not make eye contact. The primary
belief is that it’s all a publicity stunt. After a few weeks of “DIVORCE!”
headlines, we will then have exclusives on “HEARTBREAK!” followed by “BACK
TOGETHER!”, “RENEWING OUR VOWS!” and “OUR HONEYMOON BABY!”. William Hill,
the bookmaker, is offering 2-1 on Price and Andre being together again
within the year. CW never knows what to make of these sort of claims.
Frankly, it’s still reeling that they faked the Moon landings. Buzz Aldrin
looked so real.
Down. Can Associates
Until yesterday, Can was the management company that handled both Andre and
Price. As the firm supposedly loved both clients equally, that was quite a
conflict of loyalty. A bit like being a mother whose children dated each
other, only to split up messily — the acknowledged difficulty of which is
one of the main reasons why incest is frowned upon. Little wonder then that
at midday yesterday, Price announced that she was leaving the company that
oversaw her transformation from Page 3 Girl to author and “feminist
role-model”.* That leaves Can with, well, just Peter Andre; and the
passionate hope that Max Clifford has called the market correctly this time.
*It said in Heat once.
Up. The English language
Over the years, the English language has taken something of a beating at the
hands of Price — most notably in the second volume of her autobiography, Jordan:
A Whole New World. In a sentence that haunts CW — genuinely haunts us,
like we’re watching that bit in The Ring where Yoko Ono climbs
out of the well looking tetchy — Price describes the moment that she first
sets eyes on her husband’s genitalia. “It was cockalicious!” she recounts,
cheerily. As Price is one Britain’s best-selling authors, CW can’t wait to
read the inevitable, future accounts of Price’s “dumpmungous” marital
status, and subsequent “divorce-y” sadness.
Down. OK! magazine
Previously, the relationship between Price and OK! has been much like
that between Stalin and Pravda. In 2006, OK! bought Price a
pink helicopter to thank her for the circulation boosts that her wedding,
honeymoon, vow renewal and sundry sessions of duff chat ’n’ pix had given
them. One would have presumed that, in the event of any big news about
Price’s marriage, OK! would be first in line. But unexpectedly,
it suddenly looks on shaky territory. For not only did Price make no mention
of any marital difficulties in her weekly column — essentially making the
whole point of it redundant — but she has also stated she will be giving no
interviews.
To put this into perspective, this is the equivalent of Hansard being banned
access to the House of Commons. CW can’t imagine what else they will find to
put in the magazine. Perhaps next week’s will be entirely blank, like a
jotter.
Up. Peter Andre
So what of the Andre in the Andre-Price separation — amiable
Australian-Cypriot beefcake, Peter? The PR “guru” Max Clifford has said that
Andre could end up being the “winner” in the split: “Most people have
sympathy for him after she has humiliated him for years. He is liked.”
Not only liked but now also regarded with something bordering on horror. Since
he met Price on I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here! and
became part of what the Guardian referred to as “The Lidl Posh &
Becks”, his marriage has been typified as volatile, pugilistic and covered
in Swarovski crystals.
Reality TV shows and magazine interviews showed Price constantly bitching and
denigrating Andre’s manhood (“It’s a mushroom!”) while Andre took it all
with a good-natured smile. At the time, we presumed that he was just into
relationships based on slightly masochistic power-play and the voracious
accumulation of pink things. That was just his . . . thang.
Now, it seems that Andre must have been in emotional purgatory. What we
suspect — with a cold wash of horror — is that we’ve spent the past five
years unwittingly watching the emotional equivalent of a snuff movie. A man
being reduced to ashes, while we chuckled at what we thought was just some
jolly, X-rated version of Terry and June. All the hurt remained
hidden until Tuesday when Andre banged his fist on the coffin of his
marriage and finally shouted: “I’m a celebrity . . . get me out of here!”
Down. Blingy jewellery
CW once spent the best part of a week with Katie Price for a feature in a
glossy magazine. We noticed two major things. The first was that Price has
the cold, dead eyes of a lizard and gives every impression of being the only
thing that would be left living on Earth in the event of all-out nuclear
war. The second was that Price’s wedding ring appeared to be a gigantic
64-carat metaphor, given events. Left momentarily alone with the ring, CW
discovered that the designers had found a way to cover it in pink diamonds
across the front and down the sides — but this had left no room for an
inscription: any personal words of love, courage and intent. Not even
“Cockalicious”.
Down. Having two names
Previously, Katie Price/Jordan has been pleased, indeed borderline smug, about
running two names simultaneously. “Jordan is for glamour work and the male
fans. Katie Price is for the books and TV and female fans,” Jordan/Price
explained. Kind of like how Superman is for trapping General Zod in The
Phantom Zone, while Clark Kent is for spell-checking and trying to make
punning headlines about local news events. Now, of course, this previously
admirable twin-lines business model runs into difficulties. For who is
getting divorced — Katie Price, or Jordan? Who is the divorce’s market? Who
— and this is, perhaps, one of the eternal questions — do you pitch
heartbreak at?
DOWN. Merchandise.
Celebrity merchandising ranges can become vulnerable when the celebrity is
going through a period of adjustment. Price’s lingerie range for Grattan
will be unaffected. Women still have breasts. Similarly, sales of her
soft-porn calendar should remain buoyant, as all men are beasts. But who
would not now feel a little uncomfortable sallying forth to buy Katie Price
bedding? Previously, the idea of “Katie Price bedding” brought forth images
of Price writhing sensuously on polycotton sheets, moaning with marital
satisfaction. Now, however, it sadly conjures up scenes of pillowcases
(£3.99) wet with tears and sheets (£19.99) slept on alone. That can’t be
good for business.
