Down. Simon Cowell
After unexpectedly coming second in the final of Britain’s Got Talent
on Saturday, Susan Boyle was admitted to the Priory Hospital, suffering from
“emotional exhaustion”. This means that, in little more than eight weeks,
Boyle has gone from a shy church worker in a West Lothian village, to a
global megastar and now a patient in a psychiatric unit.
In other Britain’s Got Talent news, Ofcom is investigating 330
public complaints logged after the semi-finals, when ten-year-old Hollie
Steel broke down in tears under the strain of performing live on TV. Aidan
Davis, 11, also broke down after being told that his performance “wasn’t as
good as last night’s, if I’m being honest with you”.
And who was it that made this comment? Indeed, who was it that came up with
the whole idea of Britain’s Got Talent? Simon Cowell.
It must then be an odd week to be Cowell. But then, every week is an odd week
to be Cowell, because Cowell is a very odd man. CW doesn’t claim to be a
mental health expert — not since that exposé on Watchdog,
anyway — but Cowell does seem intriguingly fond of creating situations in
which he is enormously powerful. America’s Got Talent, Britain’s Got
Talent and The X Factor all feature Cowell, with his £5 Mr Topper’s
haircut, telling pretty much everyone mentioned in the inscription at the
base of the Statue of Liberty (the tired, the poor, the huddled masses
yearning to be free) to give up and eff off.
When CW sees the hurt in these crushed checkout-workers’ faces, it can’t help
but think of someone else who has faced a great deal of scorn and
approbation in their time. For, before he became the king of the gong shows,
Cowell was a record producer with a record of turning out unmitigated,
tin-earred pap. If you wanted some dross, ruthlessly engineered to make the
charts but created without a single ounce of love, then Cowell was your man
— Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, World Wrestling Federation, Teletubbies,
Sonia, Westlife and Robson & Jerome. It’s like a list of the circles of
Pop Hell.
Given that each of these records was greeted with raspberries and automatic
admittance to every “100 Worst Records Ever” show, one can see how the young
Cowell spent years nursing feelings of resentment. Eventually he chose to
seek comfort and relief in attempting world domination.
This has now resulted in crying children, 330 complaints and woman in
hospital. So far. Who knows what will happen when the The X Factor
returns in the autumn!
Up. The party fraternity
There are thousands of anthropologists searching the globe for undiscovered
tribes. Down the ravine. Up the volcano. Into the trap that the tribe have
placed near their village, so that they can continue being undiscovered,
thank you very much, anthropologists. CW, however, has discovered a whole
new tribe, simply by reading OK! This week, covering the recent
attack on Danielle Lloyd, the magazine notes that the injured model “has
support from the party fraternity”. Alas, OK! doesn’t give any
more details about “the party fraternity” other than that it contains the
former Big Brother contestant Chantelle Houghton, who — despite not
knowing Lloyd — said: “I hope she gets better soon.” However, rest assured,
CW will find and list every last member of “the party fraternity”.
Down. Angelina Jolie
This week, pictures were released that illustrate the daily struggle Angelina
Jolie faces to remain the world’s No 1 Foxtress. Here, we can see how the
morning began in the usual way, with Jolie applying her habitual A-list
anti-cake handcuffs so that she might not chow down, no matter how great the
temptation. Alas, as we can see, by mid-afternoon her desire for cake became
so strong that she snapped the manacles in two and stuffed a whole fingertip
of gateau into her mouth, screaming:
“I don’t CARE if I end up half an ounce heavier than Nicole Kidman — I NEED
CHOCOLATE GANACHE!”
Down. The Queen
This week the actor Michael Sheen, who starred as Tony Blair in The Queen
opposite Helen Mirren, revealed that the real Queen and the real Tony Blair
have made a pact about the film — never to watch it. “There was an
agreement,” Sheen has confirmed. Yes, and CW knows why. Sheen presented a
clear and enormous danger to Her Majesty. After all, this is a man so
handsome and talented that, in The Damned United, he makes Brian Clough seem
intriguingly sexual. Our monarch knew that she couldn’t run the risk of
watching a film in which she began to have speculative thoughts about Tony
Blair. Very wise, Ma’am. Always fear the sexual power of Sheen.
Down. Michael Jackson
CW’s fifth-favourite sideline — Oh God, Michael Jackson, Please don’t do
Something Spooky and Inappropriate! Watch — has sprung into life once again.
Since their victory in the Britain’s Got Talent final last
week, the urban dance squad Diversity are in demand. And no one, it seems,
wants them more than Jackson! He apparently plans to book them to support
him on his forthcoming O2 Arena dates! “Michael has seen what they can do,
and is mesmerised,” a source said. For those who have not seen Diversity,
they are dancers of all ages — including, yes, children. Children! Again
with the children, Michael! Can’t you, for once, become mesmerised by
something that involves six gigantic, hairy, man-bear bikers? Or really old
ladies? Or lesbians? Or tropical fish? Really, any other demographic on
Earth would prevent a collective shudder of: “Urgh, Jackson.”
Down. Corgies
It’s the biggest newsflash in the dog world since Pongo and Perdita hid those
99 adorable little dalmatians in the coal bunker: the Queen is to stop
breeding corgis. “By the time her younger dogs reach old age, the Queen will
be about 90, so it makes sense not to replace any that die,” a senior royal
source said. Given that no one else in the world likes corgis except the
Queen — and little wonder, given that they are cantankerous, fat, orange
rats with no visible limbs — this lends a pleasingly old-school vibe to her
decision. She is taking an entire species with her to the grave, like some
dying Egyptian Pharaoh ordering his entire court into the burial chamber. CW
very much hopes that Her Majesty does more of this exciting, retro stuff in
her later years.
Down. Cheryl Cole and Madonna
According to the News of the World, Cheryl Cole has bought an exercise bike
that cost £36,000. Surely that is, in fact, a car. Similar confusion reigns
over in the lovenest of Madonna and her new boyfriend, the improbably named
Jesus.
He has described Madonna as: “Beautiful . . . full of energy . . . with no
visible faults.” No, that’s a new, fully-charged Alessi hand-blender, love.
Up. Daniel Craig
In a piece of admirably straightforward publicity-seeking, Del Monte has
commissioned a new lollipop, shaped like the James Bond star Daniel Craig.
Although there is some spurious reasoning behind rendering a respected
actor’s man-tits in frozen yoghurt (1,000 women were polled on who their
favourite blah, blah, blah), the way CW sees it, it can mean only one thing:
a James Bond/ice cream pun-down: Mivvi Let Die; You Only Lick Ice;
Moonwafer; The Man with the Frozen Bun; Coldfinger, and Dr No Orange
Calippos Left, Love — Do You Want a Strawberry One?
Up. Sacha Baron Cohen
At the MTV Movie Awards on Monday, Sacha Baron “Ali G/Borat” Cohen’s latest
comedy character, Bruno, flew across the celebrity audience, dressed as a
“sexy angel”. He then apparently ran into difficulties, fell from the
ceiling and landed upside down on the head of the rap megastar Eminem. Well,
on either side of Eminem’s head, really: the final position involved
Eminem’s nose using Baron Cohen’s buttocks as a bike rack. While there
have been many aspects of this event to debate — would MTV really allow
someone that famous to be pranked? Was Eminem in on the joke? Celebrity
Watch just wants to find out who Baron Cohen’s crane operative was. Landing
a comedian on a specific celebrity’s nose is one hell of a
talent.
CW has used those “grabbers” in amusement arcades, and has never once managed
to successfully seize a penny chew. It knows of what it speaks.
DOWN. Gordon Brown
On Thursday, Gordon Brown invited Sir Alan Sugar to No 10 for a secret
meeting. While many have speculated that this might be in advance of Brown
offering Sugar role within Government - possibly as a Minister For
Innovation - Celebrity Watch cannot believe that Brown's advisers have left
him so vulnerable to a PR open goal. Guys! Gordon Brown! Subject to hourly
rumours of being deposed by his own Cabinet! Being visited by someone who's
catchphrase is "You're fired"! No!
