Up. Spandau Ballet

Spandau Ballet — or the Spands, as fans used to refer to them: a nickname that is the worst in the history of pop — have been delighting the nation with a tour and publicity blitz. Indeed, you may have seen them on Strictly Come Dancing. Tony Hadley appeared to have exposed the song Gold to an high temperature, causing the words to melt together thus: “Yuhrindis RUCKterber/Lawaz bayeayaeeeee”. It was most odd. But then, CW has started to suspect that “most odd” doesn’t even begin to cover it. Yes, CW has become convinced that a darkness lies at the heart of the band, ie, that even though that squabble over unpaid royalties was years ago, the Kemp brothers — Gary and Martin — still have a niggle; and it’s manifesting in passive-aggressive handsomeness.

For while Hadley looks his 50 years, the Kemps have the air of pop racehorses: trim, cheekboned, still with the piercing blue eyes. Every picture shows them looking like hot pieces of ass; while Hadley has the air of a man who has put down a sausage sandwich and is hoping it’s there when the shoot has finished.

Even Hadley always standing at the front plays into the Kemps’ hands. Perspective is not Hadley’s friend; it makes him look the biggest. And CW is sure this is all part of the Kemps’ revenge.

“We all had lunch and dinner together,” Hadley said this week. Lunch and dinner together? Was it the Kemps that told you to eat two meals at the same time, Tony? And did they stick to the salad? CW thinks the Kemps have “feeder” written all over their faces. That lasagne wasn’t WeightWatchers at ALL. For who do the Kemps most resemble? The conniving Siamese cats in Lady and the Tramp, watching guileless Lady (Hadley) knocking over lamps. When the old lady comes into the room, Tony, they’re going to blame it on you. And CW can only watch, hopelessly.

Down. Naomi Campbell

According to the caption for a picture in Hello!, this is Naomi Campbell and her fiancé, trying to find privacy on a beach by having giant flesh-coloured parasols erected around their loungers. Thank goodness. CW thought that “giant robot breasts” had finally been invented, and that Jordan was wearing them to the beach.

Down. Cheryl Cole

Cole — the X Factor judge, nation’s sweetheart and one of the constituent “girl” parts in Girls Aloud — has her debut solo album released this week, and CW thinks that it’s a crying shame what they’ve done on the cover. Look at poor Cheryl! POOR CHERYL. They’ve covered her face with one of those net bags that you get satsumas in, and then put a raffia platter — such as you would find crisps in at a party — on her head. It’s as if she has been dressed up in the first two things her stylist found on his kitchen worktop, on his way out the door. We can only presume that earlier in the photoshoot he had rejected a biscuit barrel, last week’s Grazia and some secateurs as being just “too random”.

Down. Simon Cowell

It was revealed this week — by his fellow celebrity Holly Willoughby, no less — that Simon Cowell stocks his house with black toilet paper. Black toilet paper? Black toilet paper. CW has thought about this for a while, and feels pretty certain when it says that it can’t think of anything that more innately reeks of evil than black toilet paper. That is literally the most depraved toiletry item in the world. Nothing signals the heart of a fiend more than a stack of two-ply kitten-soft in noir. Only the truly iniquitous would purchase such a thing. Indeed, CW reckons the full list would be: Darth Vader, General Zod, Mumm-Ra from ThunderCats and Simon Cowell.

Down. Lisa Maris Presley

Blimey. You know when you have kids, and you can sometimes get a little maudlin about how fragile and precious life is? Well — no you don’t. Not compared with Lisa Marie Presley, the daughter of Elvis, you don’t. She has just cornered the entire market in dolorous, doom-laden postnatal worry. Here she is, talking about her one-year-old twins: “They both have such a sweetness to them that it breaks our hearts,” she said this week. “We want desperately to preserve their purity, love and trust for as long as we can, before people and life cause the inevitable souring and contamination.” Souring? Contamination? Is Lisa Marie Presley sure that she’s not actually confusing “the twins” with “two pints of milk”?

Up. Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Winfrey, the queen of hand-holdy daytime TV, is being sued by a former flight attendant on her private jet. The attendant claims that she was wrongfully fired after being accused of having sex with the pilot while Winfrey was asleep. “It has been characterised like Oprah’s running some kind of Hanky Panky Airlines,” an Oprah spokeswoman said, “when nothing could be farther from the truth.” But CW asks: why can’t Winfrey start running Oprah’s Hanky Panky Airlines? It would be such an amazing concept that the planes wouldn’t even have to go anywhere — you could just get on, sit there eating Oprah’s Hanky Panky Airlines compli- mentary nuts and have the crew show you their “emergency” exits here, here and here. Do it Oprah — DO IT!

Up. Lady Gaga

Every so often, CW likes to print a picture of Lady Gaga for absolutely no reason at all other than CW loves Lady Gaga. It finds her presenceinspiring and comforting. When it looks at a picture of her wearing a see-through bubble-wrap dress, and carrying a handbag fashioned to look like the head of Animal from The Muppets, it feels quietly happy. This week, you may have seen, Gaga was rocking a floor-length, see-through blue sheet, and had draped a stole — which appears to have been made from hacked-out bits of Ozzy Osbourne’s hair — around her shoulders. Yes, that’s right, it’s a Shoulder-Hair Perv-Shroud. It just got invented this week. By Gaga. CW sighs in admiration.

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