The celebrity hydra has many heads, but none so disturbing as those spawned when two famous faces declare undying love for one another. Now that the mythical Brangelina is no more, and with the lesser-spotted TomKat rumoured to also be in peril, what fantastical creatures will take their place in the universe of celebrity couples?

Cutpricereid (Katie Price and Alex Reid)

Not to be confused with a discounted celebrity biography, the Cutpricereid is the sum of the many surgically enhanced body parts of Jordan and her “cage- fighter” Celebrity Big Brother boyfriend, Alex Reid. Hastily engineered, its impressive physique hides a woefully inadequate intellect. Rather like the stegosaurus, whose brain was famously only the size of a walnut, this one is not destined for long-term evolutionary success.

Brandperry (Katy Perry and Russell Brand)

This pairing distinguishes itself by its professional dedication to “being in love”. Simultaneously boring and irritating, the Brandperry’s primary concern is to remain as much in evidence as possible, without actually doing anything of note at all. Brandperry goes shopping for furniture! Brandperry kisses! Brandperry hints that it might be pregnant but probably isn’t! Who cares. Extremely likely to expire at a young age out of sheer boredom.

B-Jay (Beyoncé Knowles and Jay-Z)

As stars go, you don’t get much bigger or more talented. So why is B-Jay so oddly unpalatable? Perhaps it has something to do with her performing in private for Colonel Gaddafi’s third son, Mutasim-Billah, for an estimated fee of £1.2 million.

Klumseal (Heidi Klum and Seal)

So called because they do exactly what it says on the successful celebrity couple tin, namely produce babies at a rate of knots. Heidi then “snaps” back into shape just in time for another Victoria’s Secret catwalk, while Seal gazes on proudly.

Cashley (Cheryl and Ashley Cole)

The making of money is what these two are all about. Money, and hair extensions — with the odd bit of football and singing thrown in. An infallible recipe for celebrity success.