In the 1950s and 1960s being a wife was a full-time career for most women and
being a “good wife” was central to their self-esteem. A study of British
women’s magazines from 1949 to 1979 found that the constant message of
articles and ads through all those years was that a woman’s main goal should
be to become a wife, and that she could achieve job security and a
satisfactory performance rating in this career only by devoting herself to
home-making and husband-pleasing. Home economics textbooks of that era
advised wives to greet their husbands each day with a warm smile and a cool
drink. “Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes,” one author
suggested. “Indulge his whims when possible, even if they strike you as a
bit foolish,” urged a marriage counsellor.
The job description of a good husband was more narrowly defined. He was
expected to go to work, bring home most of his pay and investigate noises
his wife heard in the night. But he was not expected to take responsibility
for the emotional quality of family life. When one woman complained to the
postwar British women’s magazine Lucky Star that her husband
was always irritable when he came home, the advice columnist inquired: “Are
you bright and welcoming and understanding? Men are rather like children in
a way; they must be fed and amused.”
The legal system was rigid in defining what made for a good wife/husband. A
husband’s duty was to support his family; a wife’s to keep a nice house,
rear the children and nurture the family emotionally. Until the mid1970s,
most Western states had “head and master” laws that gave husbands the final
say over decisions such as where the couple would live. A husband could
forbid his wife to take a job if he thought it would interfere with his
right to enjoy her home-making and child-rearing duties. A husband could not
be charged with marital rape because the law held that it was a good wife’s
duty to have sex with her husband whenever he wanted.
In those days the definition of a good marriage was one in which each partner
conformed to these separate gender roles. Interviews taken with couples from
the 1940s through to the early 1970s show that many believed that such
conformity was the best that they could expect of a spouse. Men noted that
they shared few common interests with their wives but still had a good
marriage because the little woman was “a great cook and a wonderful mother”.
A 1967 survey in the US revealed that men were more interested in a wife who
was a good cook and housekeeper than one who was intelligent and
interesting. And two thirds of college women told pollsters that they would
consider marrying a man they didn’t love if he could give them economic
security and social status. All this has changed in the past 30 years. Women
have now gained access to living-wage jobs from which they were once
excluded. They outnumber men in many universities, further increasing their
earning power. Women need not enter or stay in a marriage for economic
security, and most no longer feel compelled to put their own needs aside to
curry favour with men. Reforms have led to the repeal of laws that gave
husbands the final say in marriages, while activists against domestic
violence have made huge strides in protecting women from husbands who use
force to impose their will.
As women have discovered the rewards of economic independence, men have
discovered the rewards of psychological interdependence. Most women deem it
more important for their husband to be emotionally supportive than make a
lot of money. And men say finding an intelligent companion and real partner
matters much more than good cooking and housekeeping skills.
Today couples must negotiate what it means to be a good marriage partner,
based on recognition of the other’s individual needs, talents and interests.
This requires deeper thought and harder work than when the different roles
of husbands and wives were so clearly defined by law and social custom. But
more and more couples are discovering the joys of tailoring their
partnerships to meet their own needs and desires instead of tailoring their
needs and desires to fit the “good husband” or the “good wife” mould.
–– The author teaches at Evergreen State College in Olympia,
Washington, and wrote Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage.
I’m a mother first
Santa Montefiore, 37, is an author. She has been married for nine years.
The woman who solely looks after her husband is outdated. But it’s ingrained
in my world that, although I have a writing career, I have to juggle family,
children and preparing food. My husband will open the fridge and say “Why is
there no milk?”, but he looks after me, too. Childcare is one of the biggest
changes in attitude in marriage: now things are shared. My father never gave
us much attention until we were old enough to hold a tennis racket. Seabag
and I do look at each other as a mother and father rather than as husband
and wife, but he would rather I focused my attention on them. Being a good
parent makes one a good wife.
Grayson Perry, 47, is a Turner prize-winning artist. He has been married
for 15 years.
There’s a schism between desired liberality and what we’re actually attracted
to. Attraction is formed in what we learnt from our parents, so while we
understand that women have to be independent, sometimes we still want them
to vacuum. The feudal system meant that people used to know who they were,
but it’s hard to find your identity as anyone at the moment, let alone as a
wife. My wife is great because she doesn’t expect me to be one thing. If I
became a house-husband, I’m sure she’d cope.
Jonathan Aitken, 64, is a former Tory MP. He has been married to his second
wife for three years.
My wife conforms to the reasonably familiar pattern: she runs our home and is
a focal point for our family — she’s just so much better at it than me. The
idea that looking after the home is demeaning is wrong, it’s the same as a
job. I first married in the 1970s, when I was a hard-working public figure.
I hoped that my first wife would take care of the home and look after the
children, but in my second marriage I’m more willing to think differently.
Times have changed and I’ve had to change with them.
Plum Sykes, 37, is a fashion writer and author. She has been married for
two years.
It’s harder to look after a home than get a job. I try to do both, but it’s
not as if God created a 28-hour day for women with families. I used to do
much more for my husband, now I don’t have time. He does a little cooking;
he’s more of a good wife than I am. Men still want that notion of a good
wife deep down, but are accepting a new form. With career girls, the good
wife is someone who manages not to have a nervous breakdown.
Love and respect
Jilly Cooper, 70, is an author and a former journalist. Her husband Leo,
73, is a former publisher and an author. They have been married for 45
years.
Jilly: A good wife is sunny. She may work hard, but she approves of her
husband and supports him. I don’t think you can really get away from the old
ideas — you feel guilty if you don’t cook or clean — but that doesn’t mean
that you have to be that way. I’m very undomesticated, and Leo’s had to tidy
up after me. Now that he has Parkinson’s he can do very little, but in the
past he’s made a heroic attempt to look after me. He was a pioneer as a
husband, and a brilliant cook. I try to return his support: I used to go off
to work and disappear, but now that he’s ill I don’t do that. What we really
need is a “wife” between us.
Leo: I think that men should do far more domestic work. I’ve always
said to Jilly that marriage is a job with two executives in the business,
and you’ve got to make it work together. I don’t think the wife who used to
have to do certain things just to keep her husband happy exists any more. I
was in the interesting position where my wife earned ten times more than I
did and my part of the work has been running the house. It was always
understood long before she even started writing that I was just better at
housework than she was. Our relationship is so intense and we reciprocate
everything. These days I move more slowly than I used to but Jilly always
tries to help me.
Edna Healey, 88, is a biographer. Her husband Denis, 89, is a former Labour
Chancellor of the Exchequer and Defence Secretary. They have been married
for 61 years.
Edna: It used to be so different. When I went up to Oxford people said
“Why are you going? You’ll only leave and get marred.” One felt invisible,
part of the kitchen, the whole world circumscribed by the children and
husband. But in politics it’s important that the husband and wife stay
together. There is a danger now of the traditional wife being looked down
on. People feel that the woman is losing something of herself, but that is
wrong. Times have changed and it’s wonderful what women can do now, but when
a husband is extremely busy a wife needs to set aside time. And vice versa.
Denis: The essential thing in a marriage in which the wife is
intelligent is to give her space to have a life of her own. There has been a
colossal change now that most women have jobs, as Edna does now. I don’t
mind looking after myself, but it’s still important to be together. When I
was Defence Secretary I used to go abroad for long periods, but often
managed to take Edna with me, and she would talk to the Service families.
Involving herself in my life in that way made her a good wife. I don’t think
a woman and a man bring different things to marriage; both bring love and
respect.
Interviews by Francesca Steele
