Iam a single mum, divorced, with one son. Every other weekend I have two days to myself (useful for catching up with stuff) because Tom is with his father. This, along with alternate Christmases and Easters and several weeks in the summer, is part of the arrangement I have with my exhusband. He never misses an appointment, is rarely late and, when he can, accompanies Tom to rugby and karate.

Now take my friend Hannah, who is married with two children. Her husband is always travelling, always late for supper, has never taken the kids to weekend football in his life, and the one time that he was asked to leave work early because one of the children was sick he sulked for a month. Tom’s dad may never be there to tuck him into bed in our home, but Hannah’s children rarely see their father either.

There is surely something awry when divorced mothers get more support and active involvement from the fathers of their children than the married ones. I’m not advocating the break-up of families, yet separation, and the realisation by (usually) fathers that the only way they will sustain a relationship with their children is by turning up on time and looking after them alone, certainly has its upsides.

There are noteworthy exceptions to the reluctant dad, with the father being as proactive as the mother in parental duties — collecting and delivering to school, taking and collecting from clubs, attending to sick children, preparing meals, bath and bedtimes — but they are noteworthy because they are rare. I’ve probably got it better than most married mothers, because not only do I get every other weekend off, but my exhusband pays the maintenance, and I never have to listen to what a tough day he’s had at the office. I have the bulk of the responsibility, but I’m aware of it and happy to do it, and it seems that I don’t have another (grown-up) child to look after in the same way that Hannah or any of my married friends have.

In most of the families I know, fathers are still predominantly the absent parent, regardless of income, class or faith. Even if the wife has a high-paying job, the husband doesn’t share the domestic tasks; it’s more likely to be the nanny, au pair or grandmother. It seems that too many dads are still cherry-picking the best bits of their offspring’s childhood — the trips to the park, football matches — conveniently using work commitments as a way out of evening parental duties. They spend more time at the office than they need to because it is less exhausting than going home to put children to bed.

Until they get divorced. Then, if they are to take their parental duties seriously, they must get organised. That means leaving work on time if it is their turn to have the children; it means arranging holidays months in advance. It might even entail asking one’s employer for some flexibility.

Women are also complicit. They might even encourage the single-mother syndrome, setting fortress-like boundaries around the kitchen and childcare, becoming control freaks in their attitude to duties that they see as their responsibility, and being only too happy to exclude men from their domain. We are all also guilty of copying, however unconsciously, the patterns of our own upbringing when fewer mothers went out to work.

A friend, Helen, is married with three children. She does not complain, but her experience is all too typical. “I’ve given up trying to get my husband to help more with the children,” she says. “If I do take a step back at any time, he finds a way to delegate the responsibility. When I went on a break with two friends last weekend all the dads took our kids to their parents’ and the grannies looked after them for the two days while the men played golf and watched football. When we returned and said they had wasted an opportunity they argued that it was healthy for children to spend time with their grandparents.”

So what’s the answer? It can’t surely be to encourage women to boot their partners out, thus putting them in a position where they are forced to look after their children? Fathers must be made to feel important, that their presence is vital for the child’s well-being. It’s too easy for them to fall back into the comfortable role of the father who is either a remote disciplinarian or the parent with whom the children have fun, leaving the mother to handle the day-to-day stuff. It’s ashame as, given the chance, fathers learn as much from their children as their children do from them, and parenting is one of the greatest life lessons that we will ever be granted.

Perhaps it’s just a matter of priorities. I have found parenting the most rewarding thing I’ve done, especially now that I can share it evenly with my child’s committed father.

*The Playground Mafia by Sarah Tucker, Arrow Books, £6.99

Times recommends

• Live chat: Thrifty ways to update your winter wardrobe
• Is anybody out there really listening?
• Nutrition Q&A: Will eating late make me fat?