The article focuses on the importance of the father in a child's life, rather than denegrates him, and reading between the lines of some of the above comments, tells me more about the writer than it does about the feature on which they are commenting. I;m a travel journalist by profession and not a parenting expert, but I know, having researched and written about family holidays for over a decade children are desperate to be with both parents on holiday, and thanks to the growth of kids clubs, are seeing them less these days. I have no doubt that fathers are working hard to make money for their family, but I always find it intriguing how little children really care about the expensive holiday and 'stuff' their parents buy them compared to the simple, inexpensive breaks, where there are no kids clubs, long haul flights, and only mum and dad on a beach playing sand castles. Children remember the time you spend with them, not the stuff you buy them.

sarah , ilford,

I like Claire from London am the absent parent in my sons life but see him at least 3 times a week. However, when I was married to his father his dad participated in every part of our sons care, entertainment and education. We knew our strengths and weaknesses and divided the responsibilities where necessary, but most were shared. It is my experience that,as Sarah Tucker states, many women make a rod for their own back particularly when children are new born by excluding the fathers from the caring role of being a parent. It is then difficult to try to engage someone who has been made to feel left out. Working mothers also changes the situation of child care, but how many couples actually talk about this before they have their children. Much is assumed by couples and not enough is talked about openly about their expectations when their children are born. The blame can not be placed solely at the feet of all men.

Liz, Plymouth,

Maybe, depressingly, the underlying 'truth' is that many dads very often find the company of their own children not very enjoyable or interesting, especially if they don't share any joint interests in the same sport. However, if you are a SAHM, then I think you should certainly recognise your husband's contribution to family finances, and not assume that the moment he walks through the door you can hand the kids over to him that you've been looking after all day. Dads can make their sacrifices in different ways - by sticking at jobs they'd rather quit - while mums make theirs by being kids taxi services etc. And a lot of mums go back to work becasue they find their children boring in comparison to their careers.

Jane (different one), London , UK

This article mirrors my experience. My ex-husband had no time or patience with his two young sons. When he returned home in the early evening, he would tell them to go away. He behaved like the eldest child - and did nothing around the house to help at all. Following our divorce, all of a sudden his contact time became extremely important - but again, he seemed to think he could dictate when and how he would see them and expected me to just fall into line.

I never tried to prevent him seeing them, but I did insist on an agreed schedule. Even this seemed to be asking too much for many years. Eventually, as they grew up, it slowly dawned on him that in the longer term they would decide about their contact with their father - and slowly his attitude has changed.

He left with the words 'I am going to make this as difficult for you as I possibly can' and it was difficult. I have brought them up for 14 years on my own, but wouldn\t change a thing.

Donna Walker, Effingham, Surrey

If only this were always the case. i would love for my daughter and two sons to have a relationship with their father. He chose to leave them, and chose to have no contact whatsoever. The family courts I agree do not have the balance right- yet and each case is different a\nd should be reviewed on the merits of each case. Without a doubt some women use contact as a method of 'punishing' former partners.Conversely, many dads use the issue of contact and maintenance as a method of manipulating adn bullying former partners. There is no obligation for a parent to maintain parenting post divorce or separation, unlike financial support. The best parents will always agree to support their children; emotionally or financially by agreement adn thus avoiding the need for court. Sadly too mamny children are let down by both their parents and the UK Family law system. In the meanwhile, my children have me and for a whiff of testosterone.whatever uncle; grandad or great uncle is available

C Rhodes, Belfast, NI

The only part of the article that rings true is the fact that being separated from your children as a dad forces you to grasp every meager crum of time you are "given" by the resident parent with your children. When you were at home as a married couple , its true, its often easy to put off that trip to the park with the kids or to the swimming baths this weekend because you know that there is always next week ..both parents do that , not just fathers until ...you divorce.

Then, at least for the majority of fathers i know, they cant even take it for granted that the weekends that they are supposed to share with their kids, will even be allowed to happen as the resident parent takes complete control of the childrens schedules, irrespective as to what court order is in place this month. I never chose to become a weekend father. But since i am forced to be, you can bet your life that i will be the best one i can be. Most separated fathers feel the same.

Worth Quarrie, Birmingham, Westmidlands

Thanks for an unusual perspective. It fits my experience exactly. Divorce was a wonderful solution for both of us and the kids. They are with me this weekend. Can't wait. She's off to a all-nighter ball with her new man. Everyone's happy. Your article is spot on.

J, London,

Dont really get the jist of this article,am I a better father by being married to my wife and being a father to my children and all that that entails , or would I be a better dad by leaving her and the kids to it without me and planning fantastic days with them on the odd day I see them ? That doesnt sound like a difficult job to me , the hard job is the married dad keeping everthing fresh and loving rather than the guy who turns up on his day off with a couple of tickets to a concert or the the latest film at the cinema , on reflection I think I will take the chance and opt to stay with my family.

dave t, Liverpool, Uk

So by your reckoning, the only reason I look after my daughter fulltime is because me and her mum split up? Before that I was a feckless layabout.

Maybe the fact that I worked, then came home to care for our daughter as well as do all the housework meant that I didn't care enough to give up my work to care fulltime? My ex never looked after our daughter for longer than she had to and would frequently "palm her off". I would do the late feeds, nappy changes, playtime, as well as the behind the scenes stuff (Making bottles, washing, cleaning, cooking).

If you cared to move down the social ladder you would find that if the mother is the main earner than dads can, will and enjoy taking more childcare responsibility. Mums ASSUME that they are the main parent by default. Start assuming equality and it will happen.

Our local pre-school has more dads than mums doing the toing and froing and general day to day stuff..... sounds like your friends need to find a decent relationship first.

Matt, Leicester, Leicestershire

Yes keep taking the check and you don't have to hear the difficulties in earning the money! Nice one, must be fun living on benefits someone else earns.

Nigel, Manchester,

It would be fairer to say that a father's behavoiur is more a reflection of himself than something that can be generalised. If separation means more paternal involvement, hopefully the child will miss out on less than most in that situaton.

My child's father arranges many outings for their time together. Does this make him a better parent than when we were together? My life is easier now but, surely that's not the point. Who will demonstrate to my child how good relationships work, about the pride there is in supporting one's family, or even just offer a balance to my views, thoughts and personality?

It's very easy to focus on the immediate and practical aspects of parenthood. These are often not the things that have the greatest impact on a child's long-term well-being. As long as a father is part of a family, it's far easier for him contribute to these less obvious elements.

Kirstine Koelln, London,

I absolutely agree that divorced Fathers can be better Dads.
It is certainly true in my case, one of the main reasons for my divorce was the lack of family life.
I have 2 children & was bringing them up alone while he sailed off on his boat & other pastimes.
After divorce he couldn't wait to get them to spend time in his new home, he was suddenly an [almost] perfect Father, all the things I had wanted for years suddenly he was doing with them. Why did he not listen when we were married, ? it would have saved the children going through the trauma of divorce.

Maggie Millington, Brittany, France

Sarah Tucker's flippant article flies in the face of the facts - if her children's father is so wonderful, one wonders why on earth she chose to sabbotage the family home and wrench apart her family. As a single parent myself, and with many single parent friends, I am sick of articles making it look as though we actually get a great deal! My friend who is widowed funnily enough does not find a lot of support from her husband - nor do I nor many of my friends whose partners chose to leave to either start up another family or to abdicate all responsibility of raising and supporting children. I know there are caring concerned fathers out there who totally oppose the break up of the family and wish to see as much of their children as possible, but sadly statistics show they are a (needfully) vocal minority. The majority of absent fathers are actually just that - absent.No matter how little support a husband gives, shared sleepless nights ,bills and tantrums are easier than going solo!

Linda Parker , Hove, E Sussex

My kids' dad, recently awarded an OBE, has neglected them shamefully since we separated, despite living in the same road. He contributes only £6 per day in child support despite recently banking £200k from property sale, having £20,000 income from pension (retired in his 50s) and doing consultancy work. My teenage son is totally devastated by it, and has dropped out of school.
In my experience this is not uncommon. Let's have some proper research into parents' experiences - anecdotes on either side of the argument can only take us so far.

janice williams, london, england

i am really struggling to get my husband to help with the children or any housework. He works 35 hours a week. I work just 10 hours a week(term time only). He feels that because of this all the housework and children are my sole responsibility. Am I being unreasonable or is he?

Jane, London, England

As a married father (with three children) and a wife who doesn't currently work (as we jointly decided when we married) - I find the attitude expressed distressing.

Looking after children is a lot of work - my job is less stressful. Yet I come home and have dinner with the family every night - often one which I prepare myself. I put the children to bed, I do Sunday lunches. I take the older children to the sports activities we share. I play musical instruments with them. I play computer games with them.
Few of these things would be feasible if my wife and I divorced - not to mention the financial strain of supporting two households (unless I wanted to be a drag on society.)

There is no reason in principle why husbands and fathers shouldn't have good involvement with their children. However te general portrayal of men in the media is of either louts or 'adult children'. Small wonder they act like it. Society needs decent male role models. Not what we see on TV. Marriage is good.

Richard, Leighton Buzzard, UK

Sarah, you must live in cloud cuckoo land. To base your thesis on 'what your friends say' surely proves it. Try stepping out into the real world where there are thousands of single mothers with absolutely no help from their ex-husbands. Mine went from being a hands on dad like Paul from London to an afternoon a week. He's single now with 'a new life' - which wouldn't seem to include his offspring.

Two of my friends have excellent ex-husbands and another is worse than mine. It would seem to me that the difference between the good dad pre and post divorce is a good honorable man in the first place.

You should research your subject more thoroughly before making unrealistic and quite frankly ridiculous sweeping statements, particularly if you're going to put your name to it.

My advice to you is to leave your Pimms crowd for a while and pop into surburbia, you'll see that life isnt as pink and fluffy out here as it obviously in Notting Hill.

Catherine, Warrington, UK

Although I'm glad that the author has such a grown-up view on access, a few more articles on parents with care that deny any access to their former partner, even if maintenance has always been paid are sorely needed.

Ask yourself this - is it really more beneficial to a child's well-being if his mum (for instance) has an extra £20 in her pocket yet he never sees his father, or if both parents played active roles. Many parents refuse to pay maintenance because they are refused access, yet are criminalised by the CSA. If we could link maintenance with access there would be far less need for ridiculous name-and-shame tactics.

My partner pays for a son he is refused access to, court orders (very expensive) are ignored, the CSA refuse to tell us his address and his school won't send us a school report. Why should all the focus be on his responsibility to pay, and not on her responsiblity to give some access at least? In my opinion it is she who should be criminalised.

Anna , Birmingham,

I would agree that since getting divorced, my ex-h is now available for his children more than he ever was when we were married. When he has them, he has them 100%. Before, he was always working and considered it my job to look after them 100%. He took cherry bites when it pleased him.

It's a shame that it took divorce to force him to spend time with them, which he enjoys greatly.

Sarah Hague, Montpellier, France

Whenever parents can delegate some of the mundane caring duties they will regardless of gender, as was shown on last nights Panorama TV programme clearly showing that parents tend to use TV and computer games to control and pacify their offspring, making parenting somewhat easier. As a divorced father with primary care of our son, I share care with my ex-wife, and in doing so it forces us both to do our equal share. That wasn’t always the case when we were together and at varying times one of us would be doing more or less childcare than the other dependent on the agreements, or practical constraints in our working lives. A big problem for men is fully acquiring an equal status in the caring of their children when faced with women who believe this is their domain which is monopolised and for them to delegate as they see fit. This is more evident when fathers fight futile battles to continue to parent their children after divorce against the wishes of the mother. Equality is the answer.

David Thomas, Manchester, England

It is so interesting that your article outlines the very point that most father's experience when excluded from their children's lives during and post divorce:

That most women have all of the benefits of a convenient baby sitter, financial provider, but none of the commitment to a family. ie an easy ride.

Is it any wonder why father's are up in arms about how their children's true needs are not met by the family court?

The court is complicit in continuing this attraction for women to divorce and acts as a fuel to encourage mother's who are indifficulties, whatever their reason, to move away from the family unit.

It is this aspect of family that David Cameron should be looking at, not an easy target like 'errant father's'. They are in the minority. It is upstanding and decent father's who can not see their children enough to nuture and grow who are left desparate not being able to really contribute, again supported by this article.

Please journalists take on board the real issue.

S, UK, UK

Being a seperated father has its upsides? Take a look at the number of suicides/mental health problems associated with fighting to maintain bonds when the mother limits parenting time after seperation/divorce. Like many fathers who are informed by the mother that they are welcome to be part of their childrens lifes reality turns out to be very different.

It is an issue of ownership by the mother during and soon after birth, which includes female friends relatives and health visitors. As far as I was aware the issue of ownership by the mother ends beyond 24 weeks of pregnency, other then special medical reasons.

Even Peggy Drexler, author of Raising Boys Without Men
who has asserted that boys do better in mother-only homes has recently acknowledgs the problem of maternal gatekeeping-when mothers assert their need to be #1 with their children, at the expense of their children's relationships with their fathers. Drexler admits she's guilty of it at times will any of you.

barry gaynor, melton mowbray,

Any time my husband spends alone with our child, he sees as a 'favour' to me.
It genuinely never occurs to him to organise his day around her.
No wonder our daughter is an only child!

Julie, Sunderland, UK

Ms Tucker

I find you article (apart from being offensive) totally lacks any comprehension whatsover of the effects that a divorce, (any divorce let alone a contested one) has on children & their father's. You & your friend's who feel that your husbands don't help with looking after the children says more about you mindset and where your priorities lie than theirs. If you had even 1% of the experiences of the 1 million or so children and fathers have had in maintaining a relationship following an acrimonious divorce despite the gender bias of the Family Court, the Judges, CAFCASS & the like in favour of the mother, you would have never have written this inacurate sensationlist filth. You should be ashamed of yourself. If you want to know the real cost to children and the relationship with their fathers that occurs post divorce than please contact me via e-mail and ask me & 1000's like my our children's stories.

Andy Cox, Crawley Down, West Sussex

This is typical of what is wrong with columnists today. Developing an entire thesis from a few pieces of anecdotal "evidence". A few friends say what she wants to hear and suddenly only separated fathers are good for their children. Where is the objective evidence? Where is the scientific rigour in analysing the statistics? Well, it just doesn't exist. I too have a thesis based on a lack of objective evidence. Single parents are desperate to show that, really, their children are not disadvantaged compared with children of married couples and thus justify their not bothering to maintain a relationship for the duration of the child's upbringing. What better way than to "show" that most married men are only become good fathers when they divorce. Being a good dad involves being there when the child most needs them, not just a couple of days a week. Parent should take the trouble to make their relationship work so that, whatever day of the week, the most wanted parent is there for them

Bob Finbow, Haverhill, England

As a single father, I have willingly had care of my son every Monday, Wednesday, Friday nights and Saturday day since he was born. I fed him his formula during the night, changed him, pushed his pram around and dealt with his teething. I also pay significant maintenance on time & take my son away with me on holiday - so much so that when I do go away on my own as I did last week, I am barely able to cope.

Other fathers I know, married or divorced, have absolutely no idea what is really involved - picking him up, playing with him, feeding him, clearing away, changing him, cleaning teeth, washing clothes, reading a story, having a chat, making sure he sleeps - every time, then doing the same in the morning before I get ready myself.

It annoys me the number of fathers who palm their kids off or suddenly think they are "Dad of the Year" because their kids can now eat the same easy food as them or can be taken to the cinema or football match on a Saturday afternoon then handed back.

Paul, London, UK

Women have it all ways up these days. Isn't it about time someone stopped and looked at the bigger picture? Men who are reluctant to leave the office are working hard for their families. They are misguided, and have their work/life balance wrong perhaps, but they are generally working for the good of their wives and children. Many big shake ups in life (divorce/disease) might cause someone to re-assess their balance, which is what the author above seems to be hinting at.

It is important though to note that women have a duty of care to their husbands as well as to their children. Too often these days, women seem to hide behind a self righteous smugness about the failings of men without looking at their own failings.

Why not spend just a little effort caring for your husband in the same way he cares for you and his children, and you might well find the affection gets repaid in triplicate.

Miffed, Oxford, England

This is sad but true, I am the mother that has the kids at the weekend, and during the holidays, and my ex-husband is the one that does the day to day care, and I must say that he has never been so attentive and aware of their needs. I believe he is always home on time and is very supportive of their goals and ambitions.

Of course divorce is not the best option, but in my case, the children seem to get what they need from parents who are happier with their own personal lives, an dwith parents who feel that they have more time and inclination to spend with them.

How come we couldn't do this when we were married?

Claire, London, England

If Ms Tucker thinks, every other weekend (2 nights out of 14) and some holidays shows a 'committed father', then she as many others is 'severely undervaluing' fathers.

Many fathers these days are either are the primary carer or equal carer of the children, with the mother the primary or equal earner many times.

'Every other weekend' is an absolute insult to many fathers and merely goes to cement the bias against fathers that Ms Tucker and co perpetuate.

Jeff, Surrey,