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What about sly behaviour?

This is more difficult to deal with. For instance one child might spoil a drawing that the other had done, or hide something that is precious to the other. Confrontation is likely to result in denial from the perpetrator. If you can be sure that one child did commit the deed, the best tack is to say: ‘I know you did this - it is hurtful to me and hurtful to your brother/sister’.

Is encouraging rivalry ever helpful?

Comparison and competition are natural between siblings. Although we are rightly discouraged from making comparisons between our children, we can sometimes find rivalry useful. For instance we may encourage our children to race each other to see who gets dressed first. Even in these day to day activities though you should try to even out who wins so that if one child wins one time the other wins the next. Also praise them for joining in.

It is important to avoid comparing things that are outside your child’s control, for example appearance and academic and sporting performance.

What about when they are playing well?

It’s important to acknowledge this. A simple: ‘You played very nicely together this morning’ will give your children the message that you do appreciate it when they are friends.

How do you handle disagreements between teenagers?

Teenagers are more verbally able, so they tend to use more arguments than violence although boys in particular can still be physical even when it comes to fighting with their sisters. With this age group, parents can easily be ‘ganged up against‘. It’s best to try to encourage teenagers to sort it out themselves - not by closing the door and shutting your ears, but helping them solve the problem. Teach them strategies to work though a problem, even if the outcome is that they agree to disagree. Sometimes teenage siblings go through a period of estrangement which is hard for parents to witness but very often it is resolved once hormones have settled down.

Parents need to continue to be vigilant that they are being fair, even if they might to appear at times to favour one child over the other for a particular reason. If this happens, try to rationalise it to the other child. For instance: ‘You cannot play your guitar because your sister is revising for GCSE's. Once they are over you can practice but not now. When it's your turn to take exams I will do exactly the same for you‘.

In summary: Squabbles and fights between siblings are a perfectly normal part of development - from the early years right through, in some cases, into adulthood. There’s a lot parents can do to influence the relationships between their children and help them get along together.

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