After months of silence on the subject, I decided to come clean in baby yoga.
Prompted by that stock new-parent-to-new-parent question, “Is your baby
sleeping well?”, I admitted it. Yes he is, because he sleeps with us. My
name is Harriet Perry and I am a co-sleeper.
I braced for the inevitable gasps of horror that accompany the realisation
that people have a baby crusher in their midst, but there was none. We
chatted more and one by one the guilty admissions came: the other yoga mums
co-slept too. One took her baby into bed every night when he woke up at 4am,
another’s baby often had colds so she wanted him to sleep next to her,
another fell asleep feeding her baby in bed most nights. Apart from regular
co-sleeping, they had one other thing in common: they all believed that they
were bad mothers for doing it. They felt terrible about it.
A study in 2004 showed that 47% of infants in Britain bed-share with their
parents for at least part of the night. And since I came out of the
co-sleeping closet, more and more friends have confessed. But for every
positive reaction, there’s an equal and opposite one: my health visitor
barely concealed her disapproval; a local nurse made clear she refused to
let her own daughter-in-law co-sleep under her roof; and lots of parents who
don’t co-sleep just looked appalled. Despite the 47% who’ve done it,
co-sleeping seems to be as socially unacceptable as dogging, swinging and
wearing a hoodie.
New parents spend a large part of life worrying about their baby and the
myriad ways they could harm it. Our parenting instincts are besieged by
government bodies and gurus offering advice. If we feel something is right
but people with letters after their names tell us it isn’t, it’s very hard
to stick to our guns. And co-sleeping is right up there on the Long List of
Gruesome Ways to Kill Your Baby.
The Department of Health does not recommend bed-sharing because of an
increased risk of infant death, taking its lead from the Foundation for the
Study of Infant Deaths. Gina Ford, the bestselling but childless childcare
author, described on her own book sleeves as Britain’s leading parenting
expert, is even more hardcore. She recommends teaching babies to sleep in
cots “away from the rest of the house...without the assistance of adults”.
When my own health visitor learnt my dirty secret, she peered up over her
headmistressy spectacles and said, “You should be putting some distance
between you, because otherwise your son will have attachment problems later
on.”
And there was a landmark documentary in 1991 presented by Anne Diamond, whose
son had died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (Sids), showing the results of
research done in New Zealand. The Maori community co-slept and they had a
high rate of Sids. QED, the two were linked.
Only a very foolhardy parent would ignore such a tidal wave of advice. Unless,
like me, they try to trust their instinct and brave the scaremongering. The
conclusions in Anne Diamond’s documentary were revised two years after the
programme terrified thousands of co-sleeping parents. Researchers conceded
that it wasn’t the Maori tradition of co-sleeping to blame, but its
combination with the far less traditional influences of tobacco and alcohol.
And when you examine the NHS guidelines, they reflect this conclusion.
Co-sleeping on its own is not the problem, but if combined with alcohol,
drugs or cigarettes it can be.
And for all the tutters who think it’s best to let children cry themselves to
sleep alone in a separate room, allow me my own spot of scaremongering.
Research published this year shows that training a baby to sleep in a cot is
likely to increase stress hormones such as cortisol. Margot Sunderland, of
the Centre for Child Mental Health in London, found that co-sleeping makes
children more likely to grow up as calm, healthy adults.
Another earlier study largely ignored by received opinion shows that the
effect of a mother breathing on her infant during sleep stimulates the
infant’s own breathing and heart function, thereby protecting against Sids.
In countries such as China and Japan where co-sleeping is the norm, Sids is
virtually unheard of.
In 2004, the Royal College of Midwives released guidelines stating that
“parents should be informed of the benefits of co-sleeping, which include
successful breast-feeding and better sleep”. But this recommendation does
not seem to have filtered down. Compare my experience with the health
visitor to that of our more enlightened European neighbours. When Bianca
Köster’s first son was born in Frankfurt, she spent two nights in the
“family bonding room” in one large bed with her new baby and her husband.
When Bianca had her second baby in the UK 10 months ago, “the midwives told
me that I wasnot allowed to have him in my bed when he was only two hours
old”.
I didn’t start out a co-sleeper. Night after night, we tried to put Freddie in
a cot. He cried. He kept waking up unhappy while my husband and I were
snuggled under the duvet. So the solution was to take him into our bed. We
haven’t crushed him yet.
Fourteen months on, we’re a happy co-sleeping family. Assuming we don’t
smother him in his infancy, I expect him to be a confident, independent boy.
And despite what the doubters say, he won’t still be sleeping with us when
he’s doing his GCSEs.
Thanks for an excellent article, Harriet. We are proud (albeit late starting) co-sleepers and we love it. Despite the confidence that I know that my child is breathing and the fact that she sleeps better and for longer when she is with us, it is SO EASY. Why isn't everyone doing it? Thanks again!
Janet Wilson, Auckland, new Zealand
I have 8 children, mostly grown and out from under my roof, and they've all survived and even thrived, even though we co-slept with every one of them...for years! I'm happy to report that all my grandchildren now co-sleep with their parents and are happy, healthy, intelligent and well-adjusted children.
Karen Webster, Elkton, MD
I am glad that many parents have followed their own instincts despite the terrifying warnings foisted on us by well meaning but misguided "experts". Just because it may be economically possible to have a separate sleep space for each family member, it is not proof that all infants or young children require or benefit from that separation. At the same time I wouldn't categorically force one method over another. Always taking saftey precautions (avoiding overly soft bedding, alcohol, etc.) co-sleeping with sidecar or in the family bed is a safe, serene, and emotionally healthy environment.
Lynn Cox, Newark, DE, USA
My husband & I had not intended to co-sleep with our six-month-old baby - infact we'd always been against it. But seeing our son cry with colic in the first few weeks changed all that. As soon as we moved him from the cot into our bed, the colic calmed down and we found we had a calm, restful happy baby.
After carrying a child inside you for almost 10 months, I don't understand the Western obsession with "detatchment" as soon as your baby is born.
Mrs R Munro, London,
Having had experience with co sleeping family members, I BEG you not to sleep with your babies. The risk of death by suffocation is just to high...
Falesha, Richmond, VA
On the night that our daughter was born at home, our midwife told us it would be best for her to sleep on our bed that night. We had already bought a co-sleeper (crib with three sides that comes right up to the bed) so that we could co-sleep but give her a bit of her own space, so it was fantastic to be told we were doing a good thing. Now she's four months old, we're battling against the constant pressure for her to move into her own cot in her own room so that we can get "a better night's sleep" but having read this article I am reminded that we know best and she'll be staying with us (and moving into the bed proper now she's outgrowing the crib). Thanks for reminding me of all the reasons we decided to co-sleep in the first place!
Kerry, Staines, Middx
what about sleeping with two babies? have actually just started sleeping with my 2 and a half year old. of course she loves it - as do i - and it takes so much pressure off bed times. my 7 month old is however in a cot as we felt we 'should' teach him to sleep on his own (as we did our first). but nights would be so much less exhausting if he was in with me too as i am breastfeeding several times at night. i'm thinking the bed is going to get very crowded, but the ideal would be to have all four of us together (partner is currently sleeping in the study. Any suggestions?
Joanna Blair, Cambridge, UK,
What a wonderful article..finally some real sense! (Unfortunately the scare-mongering makes bigger headlines.)
I slept and breast-fed both my children until they were 18 months. They are happy, very confident and easily transferred to their own beds.
I can't even bring myself to comment on Gina Ford.....
Lisa Tebbutt, Abergavenny,
Surely this is a case of 'Whatever works for you?....'
Speaking for myself, I struggled when I first brought my daughter home - I didn't feel like I had any idea what I was doing, I received conflicting advice from the midwives and health visitors, and felt like I couldn't cope. The only thing that helped me was Gina Ford's book. After following the advice in that, my daughter actually slept for more than 4 hours at once, and within several weeks, slept through the night. This might not work for you, or you may disagree with her techniques, but for me, at least, it enabled me to start to regain some sanity.
Rachel, Taunton, UK
I am one of three sisters and we all co-slept as infants, and our mother breast fed each of us for at least three years. I am happy to say that we are all confident and independent women. Scaremongering about co-sleeping is just that.
So, to any mothers out there who are co-sleeping with their infants and feeling guilty about it - DON'T. And if you need any more reassurance that your babies will turn out alright, I just graduated with a first from Cambridge, and fully intend to co-sleep with my children when I have them.
TDM, London,
La Leche League has an excellent info sheet on Safe Sleep and the Breastfed baby. www.lllgbbooks.co.uk
Sue, Coventry,
It is brilliant to read all your wonderful comments - thank you. It is also very heartening to hear that so many of you have dealt with night times like we have, and to see that parental common-sense and intuition can still win the day. Also v true Rroxane what you say about the government nannying us by simplifying messages. It must be in order to cover their backs and not with our children's true wellbeing in mind. How can 'they' possibly know what's best anyway? As someone else said, we are being constantly encouraged to listen to authority like good obedient children, putting what 'experts' say before our own innate wisdom and common sense. It can be very hard to fly in the face of all those loud voices and listen to your own. Especially as a nervous first-time parent. It is even hard for the veterans - I really feel for you Paul from Totnes!
Harriet Perry, Sevenoaks,
I have a very happy 7 month old baby, and I find it infuriating the way that so called 'open minded' people are happy to criticise those who choose to take Gina Ford's advice. There are lots of different ways to bring up your child, and as long as you choose the right one for you and your baby is happy then I don't think it matters which it is. My baby now sleeps happily through the night (6.30 til 6.30) on his own in a cot in his own room, but if this wasn't working for him, I would look at other alternatives (including having him in bed with me in the early weeks). I wouldn't dream of criticising other people's choices, so please don't criticise mine. Gina Ford was a practical, clear speaking god-send for me when I was clueless with a new born, and she knocked the health visitors and midwives advice into a cocked hat.
Helen, London,
On the subject of sex - I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that the family bed is not the only place that lends itself to love-making. When our baby was tiny, it didn't make much difference where he was, but now he goes to sleep a few hours before us every night (in our bed) so the house is our oyster... if only we had the energy!
Harriet Perry, Sevenoaks,
I have 3 children the last was parented differently in that i breast fed every night in the bed for at least 5 months.He was nursed when he liked and held almost continually.Now at 19months is sleeping through the night mostly on his own but if he preferes, in our bed. Out of the 3 he is the most placid and secure little angel. Two fingers to the gina ford brigade!!!!!
emma mc manus, kildare, ireland
The reason co-sleeping is condemned by the government is because telling people how to do it safely makes the public message more difficult to convey. It is not dangerous to sleep with your baby. It is dangerous to sleep with your baby while under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, on the sofa, or if you are over weight among other things.
Rather than how to tell us how to do it safely, it is easier to say not to do it. Unfortunately, this undermines breastfeeding and makes parents feel guilty. It is time to stop nannying adults and give them a correct message rather than a simple one.
Rroxane, London,
hello, I have no child yet and wouldn't dare say anything on the benefits of the co-sleeping for the child but... just a silly question... what about the parents' sexual relations? If both work during the day and co-sleep during the night??
Otherwise I can understand the feeling of waking up with your child by your side as I loooved to sleep with my baby sister ( as my parents didn`t use to practice co-sleeping and my room was nearer from hers).
But today I so looove to make love as well...:)
louis, soissons, France
i can't tell you how disappointing it was to have a (now ex) wife who was against having any of our 5 children sleep in bed with us, because of these stupid ideas, dreamt up by scare mongering ignorant fools, who clearly have no sense within themselves of what is healthy. its so easy to know what is the appropriate thing to do by simply following your feelings and then waking up and looking at a little babys face, totally calm and serene in the safest place in the world... between its parents.
paul hornsey - pennell, Totnes, uk
Be very sceptical and question everything in regards to what "experts"have to say.
Wasn't it the expert professor David Southall that wrongly diagnosed Munchhausen's Syndrome by proxy over a seven year period and sent four innocent women to prison as well as crushing untold numbers of family bonds with his "expert " opinions?
I'm of the mind that co-sleeping and breast feeding go hand in hand and are the most natural sequence of events and should be encouraged instead of frowned upon.
William Hammond, Romford, Essex
Why listen to experts when you have your own instincts to rely on? Where do those instincts come from - either God or thousands of years of evolutionary selective pressure depending on your point of view.
Where do experts like Gina Ford come from? What has the experience of New Zealand Maoris got to do with anything other than the experience of New Zealand Maoris?
When our children stopped sleeping in our bed they all slept together because guess what we only had two beds. If they suffer from it, well tough luck.
gareth d, narrabeen, Aus
Oh, and as for Gina Ford.....
You may not have to have been the best player to manage a football team, but you really should have played the game.
eckythump, Salisbury, UK
Somebody asked for a father's view....?
After traumatising our first son for nearly a year following the 'expert' advice, my wife and I gave up, followed our instincts and took him into bed with us. Instance relief and happiness for all three of us.
Our first son is now 5 and he and his 3 year old brother (who slept in his cot with no problem until he was 18 months) jump into our bed whenever they are scared or in need of company. We have bought a super-kingsize bed and there is no problem.
Having been forced to sleep on my own when I was an infant and sometimes terrified at night, I know which I feel is more likely to produce a healthy, well-balanced adult.
eckythump, Salisbury, UK
Great article.
Cosleeping is the way nature intended us to spend our night times.
Kate Byrne, Dublin, Ireland
"Lots of approval from women but how exactly do the dads feel about it?"
My husband loves cosleeping. Before our daughter was born, he would never have considered it. Now, two yrs later, and a revolution in thinking on both her parents' parts, he has said himself he would never dream of doing it any other way.
Y Forster, Durham, England
As a man, pre the birth of my daughter never would I dream of co sleeping - maybe the occasional time under sufferance.
Now that I've grown up and realise the sense of security and belonging my two year old gets from co sleeping. long may it last - well until she is ready.
One negative point the snoring from two women can be unbearable.
Wayne, Hawthorn, County Durham
I speak as a father of 4. For our first we tried to follow accepted wisdom (back in the mid 1970's) and kept him in his cot (the net result of which was two years of interrupted nights for my wife who was feeding him). For the next three we kept them in a cot alongside our bed so my wife could lift them into bed for feeding and there they often remained. Net result was a great improvement - a wife who mastered the art of feeding without really waking and who was less of a walking zombie during the day! No husband can really object to infants sharing the parental bed. It's totally natural and benefits mother and baby (and father!)
Kevin Miller, Penshurst,
After trying every sleep method out there - co-sleeping has been the only successful way of all three of us getting a restful nights sleep. BUT - teaching your child to fall asleep on their on in their cot is still a definate. Bring them through later when everyone in bed.
Carole Eilertsen, Johannesburg, South Africa
Lots of approval from women but how exactly do the dads feel about it?
Ruth, London,
Well done, Harriet Perry. She is absolutely right when she suggests mothers should trust their instincts. Besides sleep-deprived parents are often understandably irritable as a result of disturbed nights and that surely has an effect not only on their child but their relationship too. You have to look at the whole picture, not focus on one particular.
Susan Cook, shaftesbury, dorset
I too have found other mother's "admit" to cosleeping only when I mention our nightime arrangements. I find that so sad, not only do I believe that safe bedsharing is the best way of preventing SIDS but it's just so lovely. To wake up to happy baby cuddling up to you, better than a crying or distressed baby alone in another room (for babies alone, even if not crying have been found to be stressed). Instincts tell me to do it and science has backed me up.
All these cosleeping scare stories are just misreported. If a baby died sleeping face down in a cot, the postion not the cot is blamed. But if a parent sleeps on a sofa with baby, or cosleeps and smokes and baby dies cosleeping is unfairly blames, not the fact the safety guidelines (which you can find at UNICEF's Babyfriendly site) have been broken.
Tracy, South Woodham Ferrers, Essex
I co-slept with my daughter as a single parent for years. It started as I breast fed her during the night and we both were able to return to sleep quickly without being roused too much. Then for a couple of years she was a very sick child and sleeping together was the best way to monitor her. Now she is eight years old she will still sleep with me when she's ill, its the best way for both of us to get through the illness. On a day to day basis she is a calm contented child, a result of the calm harmony of our lives together which is extended from the day into the night through co-sleeping when necessary. Parents should be free to make their own parental decisions without too much direction from 'experts' whose views change further to the latest 'research' report.
Jane Langley, Worthing, UK
I co-sleep with both my sons - aged 4 and 18 months - Sharing sleep is a wonderful experience plus everyone sleeps better.
Deborah Jacksons book 'Three in a bed' is a really good read.
Co-sleeping is safe for nearly everyone if you follow basic safety guidelines
Claire Clark, Stonehaven, UK
Mothers have so many natural instincts, I don't think we even Know the half of them!
If mummy feels to co-sleep with baby its for a reason, I neither think we should question it or disapprove of it!
Charles Linskaill, Edinburgh, UK
Our son was born in Solihull 3 years ago, and I remember very well that our NHS midwife recommended our son to sleep in the middle of the bed to facilitate breastfeeding. However she did highlight that this was only advisable because we did not smoke or drink. At the age of one our son got very ill and we might have noticed it far too late if he would not have been sleeping with us.
Vanbeneden, Nancy, France
The infant you just birthed into this big scary world from your safe, warm womb surely is not equipped to slumber just yet in a cot or crib away from the only comfort she knows. She needs assistance in all areas of life at this precious time. Babies are meant to be close to their mamas, snuggling and suckling sweet muma milk any time they so desire. This builds trust, intimacy and a bond that is to be so cherished. Why would anyone try to discourage such things during such a beautiful time in life?? There are a million and one facts to prove that co-sleeping has an abundance of amazing benefits and for the cold-hearted that say we should tuck our tiny newborns away from us to teach them how to fend for themselves, grow some compassion. Our youth grows up so very fast and this wonderful time of infancy is to be savoured and devoured.
Janice, Grand , USA/Michigan
Solitary sleep arrangements are a recent experiment in the history of mankind. It just doesn't make any sense to guard your offspring closely in daylight hours then to abandon them at night. Babies need to breastfeed during the night and keeping them close enables you both to nturse and drift in and out of sleep with minimal disruption. Having shared the parental bed with all three of my infants in turn, I have come to treasure the peaceful nighttime nursings. We are biologically wired to care for babies in this way. In almost 10 years of parenting, I have had fewer than half a dozen really disturbed nights, and those as a result of illness. My five-year-old and nine-year-olds transitioned easily to sleeping alone once they were ready and have never had nightmares and rarely wet their beds. My almost two-year-old continues to share our bed and I am confident that this will lead her too to become a secure and independent child like her siblings.
barbara, Ilkley, UK
Having co-slept with my own 4 babies and worked with special needs toddlers and young children, also secondary school pupils excluded from school for disturbed and violent behaviour, I set up a charity called Right from the Start to give help and support primarily to new parents. I invented a bedside crib which levels and attaches securely to any height of parent bed. The idea is to encourage bed sharing but, at the same time, to provide the close 'safe space' needed within touch and breath reach of any sleeping parents who are on drugs, have been drinking, are seriously overweight or have a bad cold or are suffering from exhaustion.... or mothers who just feel totally uneasy about co-sleeping because of the disapproval voiced by their midwife, maternity nurse or health visitor, also by FSIDS.
Sarah Woodhouse, Holt, Norfolk
Fantastic article, the author should be applauded for bringing cosleeping to the realms of 'normality'.
I have often told doubters that whilst cosleeping is not recommended when the parent/s is suffering from exhaustion, the very act OF cosleeping saved us from exhaustion! Myself, my husband and my daughter all slept (and sleep!) fantastically well, avoiding the sleepless nights so oft talked about by parents of newborns.
Our daughter is now over two and is the happiest, unclingy, confident child I am yet to meet. Not an attachment disorder in sight despite having coslept from the word go.
Seraphine, London,
What a lovely, comforting article. I was asthmatic as a child, and my mother co-slept with me for my safety and her security. Today, as an almost 40-year old, I once in awhile long for the security of my mother's bed when life seems overwhelming.
My own children were co-slept with from the start. This was the only way I got any sleep, and it made nighttime nursing much easier, and I unabashedly endorse it. They are very secure in their personalities, and are very healthy. Kudos to co-sleepers, from a mom in the USA (where there are many "closet co-sleeping families.").
Judy, Canton, NY
I remember being ticked off by the nursing staff at the maternity ward for sleeping with my second child, an unpleasant experience for any mother, but which did not stop me from continuing once back to the comfort of my own home. All our kids have slept with us, as and when has been necessary, and the older two, now adolescents, are perfectly balanced and independent. Number three, now nearing four, no longer creeps in with us during the night, although she still knows she's welcome should she wish. Number four is due to arrive in October, and will be perfectly welcome in our bed - and I certainly won't be accepting any upbraiding from the staff at the maternity !
Lux, Nancy, France
Thank you for this article! I am from the USA and I wish it was on the front of the New York Times as well. I am a breastfeeding/cosleeping mom who is also and RN and Lactation Consultant. I know that look when a mother sheepishly admits she has been sleeping with her baby, as she awaits the standard societal norm negative reaction, she is usally shocked and relieved when I praise her and encourage her, and then discuss studies where co-sleeping babies benefit. After this we always discuss the importance of knowing and adhering to safe cosleeping guidelines. (http://askdrsears.com/html/10/t102200.asp)
Thank you again for addressing something that is so important! You have done a wonderful thing for moms and babies everywhere!
Heather LaRosa, East Patchogue, NY, USA
Placing an infant to sleep in an isolated room, increases hazard of SIDS. Co-sleeping with the cot placed alongside the parental bed is much safer, and bed-sharing is best of all.... all else considered. In other words SAFE BED-SHARING is the best approach to reducing hazard of SIDS.
See: http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/eletters/117/3/994
http://home.cogeco.ca/~edwohagan/
Edward J.O' Hagan, Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada
Cot deaths are a subset of infant deaths, amounting to about six per cent of infant deaths.
In sixty-nine of London's 625 electoral wards, there were zero infant deaths during the three-year period 2003-5. These sixty-nine wards were not randomly distributed across the Greater London Authority's area, but were in locations that are free from PM2.5 emissions from one or more of eight incinerators within the GLA's area, three of which are authorised to burn radioactive waste.
The UK's public healh "experts" ignored Dr John Snow about cholera being caused by contaminated water around 150 years ago, and they are ignoring the truth over PM2.5-related illnesses and premature deaths now.
I have mapped out six high infant mortality zones in London, 149 wards, with average infant mortality rate of 8.9 per 1,000 live births, all near incinerators.
I've also mapped six low infant mortality zones, 113 elecoral wards, average infant mortality rate 1.3 per 1,000.
Michael Ryan
Michael Ryan, Shrewsbury,