umm excuse me..
I have a nanny who is a awesome with my son but is late everyday, does not put things away, breaks everything she touches and instead of stimulating my son she always tries to put him to bed... but let me reminfd you.. I pay the nanny and that is her job, if she payed me then....

victoria , deerfield,

Hi,
I am a nanny and have to say I am a little appaled. I know things like that happen all the time, but people are diferent.
I wish someone wrote an article "10 things you shouldn't do to your nanny", or something similar.
Well, I heard more than a couple of family horror stories (to begin with 7 hrs daily tourning 24 w/out additional pay, to firing a nanny on the eve of her pay day - and NOT paying her at all off course). Not mentioning the lack of respect, dissmisal and sometimes sexual harrasement from THE boss.
Don't take me wrong, I love my job, love to spend with the kids and I am a very good childminder but sometimes dealing with a cranky 2 yo is easier than dealing with his parents!
Both parties should show some respect and willingness to cooperate, on equal terms. Good luck with your nanny!

Malwina, Warsaw, Poland

People should be very careful about hiring a nanny and do back ground checks. I know a woman who was recently hired as a nanny in Georgia who shouldn't be hired to care for caged rats, much less children. I cannot really do anything as I have no real proof but I really want to urge people to check out the people they hire domestically!

Stephanie, Huntsville, AL

Nanny is a nice sort of domestic animal, as we all try hard to be.

Paolo, Milano, Italia

Having a nanny (or at least someone to assist with child raising) is probably more natural than we think, the nuclear family (dad at work, mum at home with the kids) is really an invention of the industrial revolution, prior to that people lived and worked closer to home and often with extended family or workers of one sort or another, so that one person was not responsible for the home alone, but was anyway a more shared function.

Michael, Auckland, NZ

I found it a bit strange that you always refer to the nanny as "her", boys are as good at taking care of children. Why aren't we trusted with the job?

Henric, Sydney,

This as always is a topical issue and one that we find is at the forefront of parents minds when they hire a nanny. To those of you lamenting about the need for a nanny I would point out that at up to £21000 per annum for one child nursery is no longer always an option.

Our advice? You can never predict future performance but you can minimise the chance of a negative nanny experience by completing thorough background checks when you hire.

Nannies can be a valuable commodity so lay down solid groundrules from the start and treat your nanny as a professional.

Lets remember there are plenty of 'family horror stories' that could be bandied around as well- but lets take this article with the pinch of salt that was intended and focus on the positive- a responsible employer = a responsible nanny!

Rachel Ogg, NannyCheck Ltd, London,

Finding the right family isn't easy either. Most families I have worked for have minimal contact with their children, hiring weekend help when the nanny is not in residence. Parents who are always late home, who leave last nights dishes in the sink, who ask if you can collect the dry cleaning, and could you just iron these things when you are doing the children's bits, never emptying the dish washer, not allowing the child to have ANY treats or TV/DVD during the nannies shift, not even when the child is poorly and needs to be snuggled up on the sofa. Forgetting to pay you or forgetting about the extra babysitting done. Parents are also guilty of not disciplining their children and having no routine but then expect the nanny to get everything back on track in time for school/nursery/swimming class the next when the child didn't go to bed until 10pm and then got up at 5am. I saw my role as a carer and educator for the child but did not always have time to fulfil my role.

JD, London,

Some completely bonkers comments, and some very sensible ones too. It is simply impossible to prescribe exactly the same kind of childcare arrangements for every single family in the country - different people have different needs and there is no right or wrong way of solving the problems posed by the craziness of the UK childcare system. Having a nanny or an aupair (both VERY different jobs, by the way) should not be a cause for ridicule, neither should returning to work once you've had kids.

Vicky from Cambridge, I think it's horribly unfair of you to claim that Mums who go back to work after having a baby "can't be bothered to spend any time with them". What small-minded, mean-spirited rubbish.

Lauren, London,

I have said to my husband on numerous occasions how great it would be if we swapped and he became the stay at home carer for our 3 children but he knows that going to work is a rest compared to what I do eveyday!!!

sarah, leeds, england

Interesting that none of the "Mums should stay at home" brigade suggest the "Stay-at-home-Dad" as a viable alternative? Why should the Ladies bear the brunt of their guilt attack - especially as so many of them now earn more than their fellas?

Mickey, London, UK

Gareth, London-- Choosing the right person to care for one's child is a huge responsibility. And, indeed, it is the parent's job to see to it that no stone is left unturned in securing a nanny capable of providing excellent care. It is not an easy task; it takes much time and effort. I would not, however, underestimate "financial incentives." You sound as if you feel there is something inherently offensive about that phrase. I don't agree. In fact, I would argue that offering nanny a very good salary, one that reflects your expectations and also your respect for the nanny , will go a long way in determining the quality of care your child receives. Care given by a good, skilled nanny is by no means second class care. For that to be true, one would have to believe that all care given directly by parents is, by definition, first class. I say without hesitation that that is simply NOT true. Just look around you and observe. Many children are hurt by mediocre/bad parents.

F. Durrer, Alexandria, VA/ USA

The word 'cop'; has nothing to do with the expression 'citizens on patrol'.
Merriam-Webster:
"Around the year 1700, the slang verb cop entered English usage, meaning "to get ahold of, catch, capture." By 1844, cop showed up in print, and soon thereafter the -er suffix was added, and a policeman became a copper, one who cops or catches and arrests criminals. Copper first appeared in print in 1846, the use of cop as a short form copper occured in 1859. "

Neil Cameron, Saffron Walden, Essex

Wow, so many vitriolic comments against mothers who work! This article is about the difficulties of nannies, not a window to bash working moms! I find it interesting that the working mom brigade never speak out so strongly against the stay-at-homes; ie, they could be preaching what kind of example are you providing for your daughters (don't bother studying/having a career, you'll just have to give it up when you have kids) etc...

It's really time for this hard-line camp of stay-at-homes to get a grip, come down from their moral high ground and realize everyone is doing what they think is best - concentrate on yourselves and raising your own kids properly and leave working mums alone! Stop judging - it's boring.

Stay-at-home mum,

Lulu, Toronto,

why are people so narrow minded - there is a lot of jealousy around!

my sister is a nanny and she is wonderful at her job, she has received the highest praise from all of her employers - and she does it because she loves children. So please, no more comments on nannies being uneducated - my sister went though 3 years of college after school to be qualified as a nanny.

Also - I do not yet have children, but when I do I will need to work, probably full time, in order to afford the mortgage on our 2 bed flat. I would guess that my child(ren) will go to nursery, as I won't be able to afford a nanny, but if I could, that would be my first choice. I don't begrudge Sarah being able to afford a nannny - and if a woman earns more than the nanny's salary, so can therefore still contribute to the mortgage, then why not. If fact, even if her salary only covers the nanny's salary, why not work? A woman is certainly not a bad mother because she chooses to work!

Alice, London,

I think a lot of people are missing the point - this is a jokey article with a serious underlying tone. "7 things you wouldn't want your nanny to do" is the title. Reading headings 1 to 7, all I can say is frankly I agree. Stealing - yeah, I'm not so keen on that. Behaving as though you are kidnapping a baby on your first day - worrying at best. Burning the house down - not today thanks. Locking children in cupboards - no thanks.

I challenge any parent to be happy with a nanny who does any of these. While I take one poster's point that communication is the key, I wouldn't like to have to say to a new employee of mine "Oh, and do remember, we're not so keen on theft here, so please make sure your hands don't stray into my purse/jewellery box/mixing bowl cupboard etc". Why not just hand them their P45 as they walk in? There are certain standards everyone would like maintained in their home - that someone doesn't set it on fire etc - which I don't think are unreasonable.

Charlotte, London,

Wow, there seems to be no one who sits squarely on the fence for this debate. As someone who had an Aupair when I was a child I have nothing bad to say about them, or any one who chooses to go down this route for their child care. When we finally have children both myself and my husband would certainly like the option of being able to be at home and look after our children, should this be a viable option. However, in this world of increasing intrest rates, more expensive travel costs and the wish for a comfortable life in which we can go on holiday, unfortunately we all need to earn money. I do not berate anyone who has to make the sacrifice of leaving their children at home with someone else everyday just so that they can provide for their family.

As I had a German Aupair, who 25 years later myself and my family are still in regular contact with, I now speak fluent German. What an opportunity!

Emily, London,

I worked as a nanny when I was 17 in Germany to a highly-regarded doctor and his family. Put in charge of FOUR children, and the "mother's help" description was inaccurate. I effectively became their mother, unlike the biological one who thought sleeping and shopping was more important than spending time with her children. I had a room in the basement, between the unloved and thus angry dog and the garage. I received £20 a week payment in addition to board and lodgings, and wasn't allowed any visitors after 8pm. My shift ended at 7pm. I was the first person the children saw in the mornings, and the last one at night, cooked all their food, ironed all their clothes, and was exhausted. Even their aunt thought I was treated like a slave, and I duly left after only 4 months of this hell.

Laura Roberts, London, UK

some comments here are so unfair, I presently work as an aupair in a very nice family and they are trying very hard to take care of their children, besides, when they're home, they do it very well, but they are not so rich as to allow the mother to stay at home! she actually works part-time so she's here half the day but she could not do more, she has to work and money has to be earned to feed the children and so on... and those children are very happy
What's more, having a nanny is enriching, make the child more open-minded and not so spoilt as some can believe. if she's like a member of the family: more love, more caring.
I myself, had a nanny and it was one of the best years I could remember from my childhood, with my parents less tired, so more enjoyments when they're home. And thank you very much I am well balanced and I haven't lacked anything.
For ingrid, I know children without nannies whose whole life is a tragedy with irresponsible parents or lack of loving.

louise, soissons, Fr

Isn't it up to the woman/family to decide their own child care arrangements? The "if you don't want to look after your children, don't have them" brigade seems to suggest that a woman sits there during her pregnancy waiting for the day of the birth so she can hand over to a nanny and get on with her work. I very much doubt this is the case and think that what tends to happen is that a woman/family starts to consider what child care arrangements they will employ when/if they decide to return to work. It's not a one-size-fits-all decision and staying at home isn't for everyone.

I don't have any kids, though I would like to one day. When that time comes I will make a decision that balances the needs of my family, my child, and myself. While I think that having a nanny is a luxury that few can afford, is it really any different to any other form of childcare: nursery, grandparents, or a childminder. As long as you employ someone you trust and who fits in, I don't see what the problem is.

Emma, Manchester,

Adeola, Look after your own children. Move out of London if its too expensive. Buy clothes in Primark instead of Prada. You may actually find that looking after your own children instead of palming them off onto someone else so that you can "have it all" is actually quite fun. You can never tell how someone else is going to behave with your children when your back is turned howeever nice they may seem, and nobody is ever going to look out for your children's interests like you can, so do it yourself!

Louise King, Bedford, uk

When I was 18 years old and first on my own I was a Nanny myself to a wonderful newborn girl. Twenty years later I have my own child, she's three months old, and I'll soon be returning to work in order to provide for her.

As a Nanny I can tell you that I loved my little charge almost as much as her Mother did. It takes a truly warped individual to interact with a baby or a toddler on a daily basis and not become fond of the little tyke. As a Mother though, I think I have chosen to go with a Daycare Center as apposed to an individual Nanny. Even though I earn an excellent salary an could -just- afford a Nanny, I think a center is a much better option.

If a Nanny: gets sick and faints, how long might the child be alone and in danger?; is a bad person, who is there to pick up on it and replace him/her?; needs time off, what happens to the Parents' schedule?

The multiple caretakers at a center make all of these problems easily and quickly identified and dealt with.

TruCelt, Washington, DC, USA

Why so many nasty comments ??? There are a million an one reasons why some families have nannies. If you do not want a nanny do not have one. How well a nanny fits into a family depends as much on the family as the nanny herself. I have had 3 nannys in the past 7 years, only changing when we had to change countries (in Asia). I have only had positive experiences since we welcomed them as part of our family (and they continue to be), made it clear what we expected from them and took time to build up mutual trust. Most people from England are not used to managing domestic help and have to learn to manage by trial and error like my self - unfamiliarity and uncertainty can sometimes leads to frictions but always resolveable. I am only thankful that I had an choice This was not the case for my (working) mother who often had to leave us home alone when working - definitely not accceptable nowadays! But did'nt turn out badly my siblings and I are all high achievers with happy famil

Mason, Shanghai,

And I’m getting angry with other comments, like all parents who have nannies think their job as more important or that they buy designer clothes or Lamborghini. STOP IT. They are ‘normal’ families with a Renault espace and clothes from H&M and who simply need nanny to help them out. And the job allows the child to go on holidays, wear clothes and not be underfed. Get out of your little world and see that they are many more situations that you want to believe.
And for those who say, don’t make child if you cant take care by yourself… ridiculous. Well, our population is threatened by extinction if we follow your advice.

louise, soissons, Fr

No experience myself, but a friend's baby developed a nasty rash and the mother discovered the "nanny" was bathing him with soap powder.

gerry, exeter, england devon

Wish I could read everyone, but it's rather long.

I decided, when I had a wee one, to stay at home as there seemed to be no one I could 'trust' as much as... myself, to devote (her) time to look after him -- besides the cost which was secondary -- as much as I felt he deserved. There seemed to be to be only one solution: stay home and play, read, walk, feed, clean and enjoy every moment. I thereafter went back to work with a vengeance. No need to perform like a 'man'. You will eventually anyway.

Viviane Warburton, Kirkland, WA, USA

my brother and i grew up with a nanny; our parents both needed to work to keep our family fed and clothed. at 22, i still keep in contact with her, and both she and my parents shaped me and my brother into the people we are today. i would not change it if you paid me.

ashley, sydney, australia

Sounds like the typical employer-employee relationship: whatever you put into the working relationship will be what you get out. If you don't treat your "nanny" (is it just me, or does that word sound very snobbish and patronising?) with respect and set down ground rules, then of course they'll overstep the mark and make poor decisions. It they aren't native English-speakers, then you have to take more time to explain things and be more aware of cultural differences too. That's a risk you take and comes with the territory. Employing people is always risky and employing someone in your home even more so, I imagine (not quite at that stage in life or earning power yet).

Just be glad you're in a position to afford a "nanny" and don't have to leave your child in some Soviet-style nursery for 10 hours every day like many women.

MB, Edinburgh,

Hmmm... naughty nannies indeed. However, there are some crimes that employers of nannies are guilty of:

1. Not giving us proper time off.

2. Not feeding us properly ("You don't mind sharing the baby's puree, do you?" Um, actually, Mrs Rich-Mummy, I do mind.)

3. Not paying us.

4. Treating us like a status symbol when visitors come round.

5. Asking us to look after extra kids without warning.

6. Not telling us directly when we are doing something you don't like.

7. Writing patronising articles in newspapers in which you speak about these hard-working people as though they are incontinent terriers in need of training.

Hannah, Newcastle, UK

Rather than moan on about the problems with nannies, why not actually look after your own children yourself? Why on earth did you have them if you can't be bothered to actually spend any time with them? Being a mother should be constant, not just when it suits you. Please, give up the job, and start mothering your children before it's too late - they grow up so very fast, and you might well regret it later.

Vicky, Cambridge,

Why do these sort of columns always become a tirade against mothers who work?
Unfortunately I can't afford not to work as I am the main breadwinner in my house - my husband is a student. I love my 22 month old daughter very much, but even if I could afford to stay at home all day, I would probably still choose to work part-time, as I enjoy working and I enjoy the adult interaction I get at work! I AM NOT UNNATURAL!!My daughter goes to my work's nursery where she very obviously enjoys spending time with other children, and in the evenings and weekends we love reading and playing with her. To my mind we get the best of both worlds - why does everyone feel the need to judge working mothers?

And when the woman is better qualified, and able to bring in a better salary, why is ok for the father to work, but not the mother? For 6 months, my daughter benefited from her father caring for her full-time, and it was a wonderful bonding experience for both of them.

Rachel, Taunton, UK

Personally, I'm shocked the nanny couldn't tell the difference between organic salmon fillets and smoked salmon. She must have been working-class or something.

Kim, London,

Adeola, it's a shame that you don't seem to understand quite how important it is to raise your children personally. Your attitude to those who stay at home speaks volumes about you. "Lazy"? I think not.

nick, Ilford,

some comments here are so unfair, I presently work as an aupair in a very nice family and believe me they are trying very hard to take care of their children, besides, when they're home, they do it very well, but they are not so wealthy as to allow the mother to stay at home!!! she actually works part-time so she's here on the afternoon but she could not do more, she has to work and money has to be earned to feed the children and so on... and thoses children are very happy and their life's beautiful.
What's more, having a nanny is enriching, you make the child more open-minded and not so spoiled as some can believe. And it's like a member of the family (if she's not bad as cited in the article :) so it's more love, more caring.
I myself, had a nanny when I was younger and it was one of the best year I could remember from my childhood, with my parents less tired, so more enjoyments when they're home. And thank you very much I am well balanced and I haven't lacked anything.

louise, soissons, France

Ingrid, USA - I was one of those poor unfortunates, brought up in a helter-skelter homestead, with the most wonderful, honest, trustworthy and loving au-pairs. Far from feeling neglected, I had an insight into the lifestyle and culture of someone from another country, who would go on to have a more positive influence on the rest of my life than my 'mother'. Not all experiences are negative, it very much depends on the family's attitude towards the nanny, the behaviour of the children and the immersion into family life of the au-pair. I wish I was flush enough to offer my son the marvelous experience I had.

Bridget Fountain-Gibbons, Stevenage, Herts, Britain

F Durrer - I can afford a nanny, so my comments are not based on envy. Having seen the relationship between nannies and their charges when taking my son to playgroups and the park, I would never let my children be looked after by a nanny.

As a parent is it really safe to rely on a financial incentive to ensure that your child is being looked after properly? I do not see how it could be anything other than second class care.

I have nothing but admiration for single mothers who go out to work to feed their kids rather than relying on the state. However, they are a very different set of parents to those who choose not to spend their time with their children just because they have the cash to do so or who go to work in order to buy stuff the children do not need.

What an odd thing to do.

Gareth, London,

But most people cannot afford the vast majority of the cars that feature in the driving section, but that doesn't generate such vitriolic comments.

Graeme Carter, Hong Kong, China

It seems that the author goes through those nannies like a bush fire. Wonder why? And why today's women have to have all for their own selfish reasons? Your child is a person not a puppy and if you know that youI cannot spend time with her why bring her to this world and have army of strangers taking care of her?

Anna Allen, Weybridge, Surrey

some comments here are so unfair, I presently work as an aupair in a very nice family and they are trying very hard to take care of their children, besides, when they're home, they do it very well, but they are not so rich as to allow the mother to stay at home! she actually works part-time so she's here half the day but she could not do more, she has to work and money has to be earned to feed the children and so on... and those children are very happy
What's more, having a nanny is enriching, make the child more open-minded and not so spoilt as some can believe. if she's like a member of the family: more love, more caring.
I myself, had a nanny and it was one of the best years I could remember from my childhood, with my parents less tired, so more enjoyments when they're home. And thank you very much I am well balanced and I haven't lacked anything.
For ingrid, I know children without nannies whose whole life is a tragedy with irresponsible parents or lack of loving.

louise, soissons, France

"Your contribution to business is not worth what you seem to think it is."

I'm sure P.S knows, as the all knowing male, that without women at work the UK's economy would fail?

Although yes for some having a nanny is over the top or a luxury never to be afforded, does that automatically excuse downright rudeness?

Equally, it is disturbing that people fail to consider that although perhaps in a perfect world no one would work and the whole day could be dedicated to child care we do not live in a perfect world; so to make sure that your child has a roof over his head and food on the table and parents that love him must be a good compromise for being absent during the day?

L Dean, kettering, northamptonshire

I'm currently interviewing childminders. It's difficult to know who's right. Let me just say, though, that there is nothing I'd love more than to stay at home with my baby daughter after my 12 months of maternity leave (largely unpaid) is over but I am one of a growing number of women who earn a lot more money than their husbands and we need both incomces just to survive in London - no money for luxuries like holidays, just the mortgage on a shoe box house in a deprived part of London which in spite of all this still costs a small fortune (£350,000 plus), pension money (so I won't be a burden on the state when I retire - whenever that will be, when I'm 80?), savings for baby (who knows what university fees will be in 18 years time, eh?), transport (on the ever-increasing cost of ever-worsening tube travel), car and food. I'm not a "selfish career-minded mother" - just someone trying to keep a roof over my family's head.

Onora, London, UK

As a young woman about to have children I'm thankful that my mum never abandoned us to a nanny. If a woman is too busy at work or with her life to take care of her children, then don't have them or don't expect a nanny to do what you are supposed to do, care and love for your children. Fine, having help here and there, but a live-in nanny? that is just awkard by nature. These women are just sad trying to keep their rich husband that they pay no attention to their children who will only grow up to be spoil brats with a complex of superiority

Dan, london, uk

I would like to have children. I also own and run my own company. Should I therefore close my company and make my staff redundant in order to stay at home and look after my children (if I am fortunate enough to have them)? I have not yet found an employee who would look after the business as well as I do on my behalf.
Why are mothers who stay at home considered the only "good ones"?
I live in London and certainly we could not afford to put a roof over our heads, let alone consider having children without my income.
Shame on all of you who believe that we should restrict the choices that other people make in their lives to those prescribed by the "mothers should stay at home" brigade, who often seem to be men who really don't want women competing in the workplace or women who aren't ambitious. Freedom of choice is just that - freedom.

Nicola, London,

Oh my goodness, the nanny ate my daughter's easter egg and maybe broke a mixing bowl. What a human tragedy. Cringe!

Helen , London, UK

For "happy with my helper - hongkong", I can understand Virginia statement. I have nanny since I was small and yes, some of them are rubbish. Some of them are gold and you wish you can keep them forever. You just have to open your eyes and they are your employee so you can judge their performance and fire them when they do things that you don't want to. Now, I have to choose a nanny for my baby but it is very hard. Another option is to hire a maid to clean your house and put your kids in the nursery.

Sharon, Manchester, UK

Maurice of Cardiff -- the option of grandparent care isn't open to evey parent. we employed a daily nanny (10 hrs a day, lives out) when we had our 2nd child, and for the most part it has worked out for us. It's an expensive drain on our net income, but we feel it gives our children the 1-to-1 quality care they need. i do wish people woldn't assume you are well-off or 'posh' because you can 'afford' a nanny. because of our childcare costs we do not have holidays, do not have spending money for luxuries and watch our budget for clothes, shoes etc. i often wish the government (or a granny!) would step in and help us out!
For others, here is some advice on employing nannies -- set out the ground rules before employment. sign an agreed working duties contract. pay decent wages. treat each other with mutual respect. and be kind!

jacqueline, london, uk

It's down to people wanting or needing childcare at a price which won't buy quality. This is not to blame anybody, just to say that it is an unrealistic expectation. Unqualified and inexperienced 'nannies', usually from poorer countries or just girls wanting to travel aren't likely to provide good childcare or understand the responsibilities they're taking on. Equally, it's naive of a parent to think that they should expect good childcare when they buy on price (either by choice or necessity) and naive to hire a nanny without first checking qualifications, references, etc.

My wife was once a nanny - not because of lack of educational qualifications or inability to do anything else. She is well educated and trained (Norland) and provided care equal to or better than that of the parents, as she was trained to do. But how many people could afford her?

From her experiences, she could write a similar article about some appalling parents. Some, however, are still friends 20 years later.

HJ, Reading, Uk

Good grief gals! If you can't take a few years out of your busy schedules to raise your own children - don't bother having any!

Fiona, Brisbane, Australia

A few years ago a nanny took great delight in telling my friend's two children (aged 8 and 10) her religiously held belief that the world was going to end in a biblical armageddon in the year 2000. Her good references hid the fact she was an horrendous individual. She was swiftly booted out the door, but not before she had traumatised two great kids. My friend is a single parent who works damn hard to provide a decent life for her children. Without a nanny she would have been forced to be on state benfits, so the idea that everyone with a nanny is swanning about in a fleet or Range Rovers is just garbage. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes, be they diamond encrusted or not, before you judge them

James, Oxford, UK

Nothing gets my blood boiling more than the rotten, horrible, unfair system of ineffective, expensive and slap-happy options for UK childcare. Nannies are prohibitively expensive and if fully qualified, have a real attitude when it comes to mucking in unless they are getting paid such amounts, no less than £200K sole income for mum would cover costs. Au pairs get paid so little and expect to do the minimum in the job descriptions provided when every mum knows running a house never goes to schedule and help is needed when it's needed.
If I ever had five minutes in a lift with Gordon Brown, he would come out with a sore ear about how many Filipina ladies and how many British mums would be delighted at a Working Holiday visa being made available to the Filipinas whose work ethic and reliability (albeit owning to their dire economic straits at home) make a perfect match. Must dash, fish fingers to grill and a company to run, - loving both those activies should not be punished...

Shelley Schachter, London, London

I simply don't understand why women who employ people to look after their precious children don't make it an absolute rule that they only employ trained and qualified nannies, thoroughly check references before they start, and have at least one or two 'trial' days before committing their children to sole care. In return, the employer should pay the nanny's tax and national insurance and ensure that a clear contract is committed to by both nanny and employer. If you employ a professional, treat him/her as a professional (rather than a skivvy at the mercy of your foibles), problems are minimised, if not totally prevented. I employed a total of 4 nannies for my 2 girls, until the youngest reached 16 and they each made an enormous contribution to the wellbeing of my daughters. One nanny stayed over 10 years - and many other mums tried their best to lure her away! It's essential to treat nannies with respect, and to know the difference between a nanny and unskilled minder.

Jude, London, UK

This is the view that gets me everytime - condemning women who wish to work after having children. These "stayat home" mums with their superior (?) view of parenting obviously do not live in the real world where it is necessary to go out and earn a living in order to support your family or to save ones sanity!

I also think there is a healthy does of jealousy here, the fact that we are able to continue to use our brains after child birth and jugglewhat are several balls in the air whilst the "stay at homes" sit at home shows how industrious we are and how lazy they are!

Adeola, Surrey,

My mother "abandoned" me to a nanny as a child because she brought us up on her own, and needed to work. As it was, she was a successful executive, and because she did not opt to stay at home and sponge off the dole (I assume this is what most of the posters here are advocating), she could afford not only a nanny, but a very nice house and a private education for me and my sister (a very worthwhile investment in London, if possibly less so elsewhere). She has since told me that she hated to leave us every day to go to work, but the privileged life that I have enjoyed as a result makes me very glad that she did.

Alex, London,

This articles seems to have struck cord with many people on both sides of the debate. There is the stay-at-home mother or father brigade who feel that those who chose to have children should stay at home and care for them (for whatever reason) (I am certain, being a young woman who has chosen to have a professional career instead of children, that these are the people who would say that 'I'll want children when I am older' or that I am selfish for not wanting children) or the both-parents-work and have a nanny brigade (good for them - that is the lifestyle they aspire to having). There are also those that are simply having a go at the latter group because they think they cannot afford to hire a nanny and send their children to nurseries instead - although given current circumstances a nanny is probably far cheaper. What it all comes down to is jealousy - but at the end of the day each of you have chosen your paths so deal with the consequences.

Mary, Crewkerne, UK

Oh for goodness sake! My brother and I have had 4 nannies and 8 au-pairs between us, a luxury you may say, but if the alternative was that my (single, shock horror) mother had to stay at home because "Mothering is a job" (P.S in Switzerland), how do you suppose we would have managed without any money? Or would you rather we lived off state benefits (and your money?)

There have been many au-pairs that I have really loved and we still keep in contact with; it's true that some have been less satisfactory (and a few light-fingered ones amongst them were asked to leave fairly swiftly) but what can you expect?

I'd also like to add that my mother works damn hard as an academic to get the money to support our family - true she was working when the au-pairs looked after us, but do you really think we didn't see her everyday? Or would you like to believe that we have grown up emotionally stunted with oedipal complexes? Some of you need to wake up and smell the roses of reality.

JH (19), Kent,

What appalling comments - do people really have these bigoted views of the type of person who emplys a nanny. Let me shatter a few........I am a 40 year old single mother who is the sole supporter of my 3 year old daughter. I did not choose to be in this position but am determined to make every possible effort to ensure that my daughter has as happy and fulfilled childhood as possible. I work part time because I did not have my daughter to let someone else bring her up. However I DO have to work - not to maintain an extravagant lifestyle - in live in a 2 bed semi and drive a Ford Focus. During the holidays I can either put my daughter in holiday club which means she is institutionalised and at school 47 out of 52 weeks per year or I can employ a nanny. I choose to do the latter and pay considerably more for the "luxury" of doing so. I find the two nannies I have employed to be excellent and if they don't do things quite the way I always would - then I just put up with it.

ellemmjay, York, UK

I allowed my butler to read this article and, in a rare display of opinion, he expressed incredulity that none of the readers have proposed the ideal solution to the offspring/career conundrum: outsourcing the upbringing of one's children to that great British institution, the boarding school. That way you, and not the nanny, gets to have your cake and eat it.

Mike, London,

Okay, so "don't have kids if you can't take care of them." That's an incredibly black and white view. Some kids aren't planned. A great many, actually. Some kids born to people in loving stable marriages aren't planned. So what -- give them away, then? Abort?

Life isn't so pat. The judgmental and rigid attitude here is very unpleasant. Guess that's the internet for you -- you learn what all those nice people are really thinking.

Pauline Curtis, NY, NY

I'm 22 and a student and I would never consider being a nanny. I often think that I would end up looking after attention seeking children who don't spend enough time with their part time parents and also looking after these ungrateful parents too.

Luckily my mums job fitted around my school hours, and didn't work until my brother started school. But she chose to do that because she wanted to spend time with us and take the rough/ smooth of parenting. I know thats not possible for everyone but at the same time my parents didn't spend money on whilsicalmaterialistic things and we lived comfortably. But sometimes career people have children like they are novelty toys as and when they want to play with it, the nanny can do the rest.

communication to be paramount between a nanny and parents so trivial things like wrong type of salmon are cooked

I hope I'm able to spend time with my children and that I have the lifeskills now to run a household without resorting to outside help.

Helen, Derby,

if (like many of you) you dont feel the need for a nanny or have the resources for one why did you read the article it is like timesonline readers read articles just to become annoyed saying that it is a useless article only warning of the shortcomings of nannys not the way to avoid these situations

Hannah, Brum,

This is to Clare in Yorkshire,
Obviously you have too much money! Not everyone can afford to stay at home and look after their children, and besides you forgetting that it takes both a woman and a man to make a baby, so why should it be the women's responsibility alone.

Naomi, London, United Kingdom

Plenty of examples of bad nannies. What about good nannies? I guess they would become more important figures in the childs life than the mother! Can't win can you - so don't bother. My kids go to nursery 2.5 days a week, and spend the rest of the time with their mother - this gives the best of both worlds. They interact with other children and adults as the perfect preparation for school, they spend loads of quality time with their mum and know how special she is, and then when their dad arrives home at 6pm from a hard days graft they give him not one second of peace because they know that, despite the fact they see him the least - he is the reason they exist! I think if I suggested employing a nanny the missus would be very suspicious of my motives. Get a life, and enjoy your kids - time flies!

Andy, Huddersfield,

As a young woman about to have children I'm thankful that my mum never abandoned us to a nanny. If a woman is too busy at work or with her life to take care of her children, then don't have them or don't expect a nanny to do what you are supposed to do, care and love for your children. Fine, having help here and there, but a live-in nanny? that is just awkard by nature. These women are just sad trying to keep their rich husband that they pay no attention to their children who will only grow up to be spoil brats with a complex of superiority

Dan, london, uk

Marie - I think you are reading the wrong paper - you'd be better off with the Daily Mail. Come back to the Times when you have landed back in the UK and understand the cost of living.

AS, London, UK

To Roger who wondered "Why become parents in the first place if you're not prepared to parent them?"

So Roger, you're a Stay at Home Dad? no? Why did you have kids then if you're not prepared to parent them?

Inga, Stockholm,

Most nannies are usually nannies for a reason, they are undereducated or underambitious - only your very best nannies are in it because they love children and are good at it, and they are obscured by the opportunistic 'need a quick buck' crowd. Unfortunately there IS no quick fix, as its a job that seemingly anyone can take up and with very little oversight. Just vigilance vigilance vigilance, and perhaps a bit of gut feeling. Best of luck nanny hunters!

Olivia Ross, ,

wow, some though words from the lady above..
You don't have to take a 'maid' from Hongkong, especially if you think they're such a problem to you..
Try a local university student, friendly, smart and keen on making a little money.
You're never sure what kind of person you take into your house, but some references and a good first impression will learn you more about a nanny.
Maybe the perfect nanny doesn't excist, maybe mummy's expectations are too high!
deal with it, or get rid of it.

peepz, amsterdam, Holland

Why become parents in the first place if you're not prepared to be a parent to your children?

Roger, Southampton, UK

Mark - spot on sunshine!

i cant believe i read such a pompous article about a luxury that very few of us can afford! Nannies?! for crying out loud, most people can't afford to put their child into childcare let alone a 'live in parent'.

looking after you OWN child should be a pleasure - not a chore, and handing out that job to someone else - well frankly, thats poor parenting. the arguments will be coming in thick and fast - both parents must work etc etc...

'but i have a half million pound house that my partner and i have to pay for' or 'but i have a lifestyle that means we need a combined wage of X thousand pounds to maintain' therefore we bout must work and still want kids but cant look after them ourselves...

anyway, this is obviously a comment coming from a man, and i can sense the uproar swelling within the bosom of the cheshire 'footballers wives' and the 'OC wannabe' essex ladies and of course the 'silver spoon' brigade...

where have the real parents gone?!!

Sharif, Manchester,

There's one easy way to solve this problem - stay at home and look after your kids yourself, like a mother should.

It's not a woman 'right' to have a child, it's a woman's choice. It seems nowadays that women expect to be able to have it all: a child and a career. I can't believe it is just me, but this attitude seems downright selfish and arrogant.

If you can't look after them, don't have them. SImple as that.

Clare, Harrogate, North Yorkshire

Oh Snap to Virginia.......mates aplenty for her...

Jonathon Rogan, Northbridge , NSW

As a working mother who has tried several different types of childcare out, I would say that a reliable and honest nanny has a price above diamonds. My last nanny has sadly moved away but was a dream. The previous on could not be relied to turn up any day often informing me by text half an hour after she was due to be there.
I am shocked that you think that Sarah is spoilt or has been treating her nannies badly. My experience is that once you get a good nanny you would do anything for her to make her working experience as enjoyable as possible.
I would say to PS that some of us have no option but to go to work to keep a roof over our heads with the price of property today. I would love to be able to stay at home and look after my children myself

CS, Edinburgh, Scotland

It is your choice when employing a nanny, so you just have to take the incompetence/risk factor that comes with employing one. These people, capable or not, are caring for your children, so make ground rules clear and be thorough when checking a prospective nanny's background. Surely that's just the basics. I personally do not have first hand experience of either being cared for or employing a nanny because my family could not afford to, so I suggest you count yourselves lucky you have the luxury.

Simon Goy, Darlington, England

To all of you that think mothers shouldnt be working in the first place - I'm very happy for you. You obviously have a lot of money. Thank you for sharing your narrow minded comments.

AS, London, UK

My nanny used to something different: when my parents had evenings out and she wanted to see her boyfriend, she used to take me to a Cafe open all night (I was 4 ot 5 years old) and park me there for a couple of hours, until she eventually came back to take me home. Obviously Otto von Bismarck was right in saying that there is special providence for children, drunks and the U.S.A., because nothing bad ever happened (ok, affluent area, extremely low crime rate: maybe nannies are quite good at risk-assesment after all).

maria-carlotta, London, United Kingdom

Why become parents in the first place if you're not prepared to parent them?

Roger, Southampton, UK

The tone of this piece is extraordinary: '"Nannies love candles," one friend tells us solemnly,'. What, all of them? Are nannies a special breed of human who all like particular things? Perhaps if you actually talked to them (except of course they are too frightfully poor and foreign to have a proper conversation) you'd find out what they like.

Would you really employ somebody to look after your children, the most important things in the world (after your job and your designer clothes) without getting proper references, checking that they agree with you about food, can cook, have basic intelligence etc. Perhaps you employed them without meeting them. Perhaps you did it on the cheap. Honestly, the middle-classes are utterly loathsome.

Of course, you could save yourself the trouble and actually look after your own children yourself.

Will Duffay, London,

I marvel at the mothers-should -stay at home with their children or they are BAD mothers brigade.
I live in London - one of the most expensive cities in the world. I work as a lawyer, I am reasonably well paid, and my job requires that I live in London. My wife and I live in a distinctly average area, in a modest terraced house.
Our fixed outgoings (a £410,000 mortgage etc. - not spent on organic salmon fillets and designer frocks - for me or her) are such that we cannot manage on my earnings alone. My wife works very hard at a challenging rewarding job - but she'd love nothing more than to give it up and stay at home with our 2 year old son.
Whilst it's economically viable for us to pay for top of the line childcare, we can't afford for my wife to give up work.
I suspect that some of the comments above are made by those who for one reason or another (older generation or privileged background) have little idea of the realities of life faced by most hard-working families.

Kwev, London,

What a disappointing article. These kind of negative attitudes annoy me. We've employed a turkish nanny for the last two months and she's been amazing. She's a little homesick and her english isn't great but she's works hard round the house and is brilliant with the baby. Let's not forget why we employ nannies in the first place: so we can still work and have a life. Credit where credit is due.

Tim , london,

I worked as a babysitter in the evenings in my first year at University 10 years ago. I can understand the writer in the article above because you are coming into their homes when you babysit so being trustworthy is probably the most important thing. My employer was fantastic!

Soraya, London,

I used to think the Polly Filler column in Private Eye was a parody....it appears not.

Derek, Erskine, Scotland

More importanly, you are paying someone to do a job that you dont want to do.
Very few people are in the posistion where they cant afford not to work but can afford a nanny.
The crux is that the job the parent is doing is to bring in more money for luxuries.
You dont NEED an grand house, two BMW's and a ride on lawnmower. But this is what higer earning parent WANTS.
So instead of moving to a more modest home, and giving up some of those luxuries to parent the children they WANTED, these parents prefer to keep the goods and spend a portion of money on a nanny to take over the responsibilities of parenthood.
Its a sorry affair that parents prefer what they WANT over what their children NEED.
It makes the child another accessory. Why have a child if you dont want to take care of it? And you could, if you gave up some of your WANTS.

marie, southampton, uk

I can see both points of view. From my own, I value children greatly and would enjoy the luxuries of spending days in often grand homes playing with children. Stealing wouldnt cross my mind, as those things dont belong to me.
However, you are always going to get problems when someone is enoforcing laws and rules to people who are too immature to be responsible.
The clash will always occur where a person feels lower to an employer. Some of these parents will be very powerful and find it hard to control their dominance. An employee would resent this causing a loss of relationship and allow her to justify the dishonest things she might do. Sadly, to reduce costs, cheaper nannies are found, usually younger and they need rules imposing. I guess the answer would be to list out responsibilities/wage ratio and expect no-more. If they are consistently failed on, notice should be given.

marie, southampton, uk

Sarah Ebner - you sound quite dreadful - and far too spoilt.

These words are from an old but experienced mother that had a nanny too. Young spoilt women of today seem to have no idea how to treat those that take care of their children and home. If you can afford a nanny you should hire a professional nanny and on top of that you should not be working! Mothering is a job.

Your contribution to business is not worth what you seem to think it is. Young arrogant mothers like you think they can turn inexperienced working women into professional nannies to show off to their acquaintances that they can afford to have nannies while still keeping their smoked salmon for dinner and designer outfits for the maid to pinch. I wonder whether you will grow up.

P.S., Chexbres, Switzerland

Hiring a nanny isn´t somethink I´ll have to think about foa a couple of years yet, but I found the article very interesting. Is it common that you can´t rely on and trust yout nanny? I had never even reflected on some of the problems you listed.
It sounds like the nannies need looking after, not the children.
Thank you for an interesting article!

Frida, Finland,

To virginia from brisbane, I grew up in Asia surrounded by maids, gardeners and drivers and we never had any problems with them. What my mother taught me is that if you treat them the way you want to be treated yourself, i.e. as a human being and part of the family, you will never have any problems. Also, communication is important. My mother always said, if they were smart and educated they wouldn't be working as maids (or nannies). So everyday, she began by briefing them on what she wanted done and gave them step-by-step instructions. Maids, nannies, drivers we invite them into our house and entrust them with our family. If you respect them, they respect you. I am still in contact with my nanny who managed to retire to her village and buy a small house and plot of land to live off saved from the money she earned while working for us.

theia, lausanne, switzerland

The nanny ate my cake...
The nanny stole my designer dress...
.
... My diamond shoes are too tight !

Mary, London, Uk

Virginia from Brisbane - what an unpleasant comment. I also live in Hong Kong and what the helpers have to put up with here in order to take home their monthly US$500 is often beyond belief. Treat them like the human beings they actually are and you might see a different side. Sadly, all too often these spoilt "expat wives" and locals alike treat their domestic helpers like slaves. You were probably one of them. And also you CHOOSE your helper and you CAN fire them if they geniunely are a bad penny . Get a grip and try being nice to those who run your home and care for your children because you're too busy....

Happy with my Helper, Hong Kong,

Try having a maid in HongKong. At the end of the 2 year contract, they can always start a shop from jewellry to tupperware to children's clothing. The first thing l did when my youngest son went to school was to fire the maid. Stealing is very much a part of their lives, in fact they justify the theft although they wont admit anything. Even when something is broken and unless the 9 month old baby was doing the washing, they always claim innocence or ignorance. You'll get a bit annoyed when something is brokem, but when there is no admittance, it is very frustrating. Give me dirty windows, anything, just dont give me a helper!! My sympathy goes to women who are employed and have to rely on these liars and thieves to run their homes. Of course there are honest ones, but they are few and far between - to the moon and back 6 million times.

Virginia, brisbane, Australia

A lot of jealousy evidencing itself in these comments. It's never a good trait, regardless of the thing (nanny, car, house) being envied.

F. Durrer, Alexandria, VA/ USA

I perfectly agree. For instance, I despise it when our nanny performs work that is meant to be performed by our butler. And then the butler does the work of the footman! Heaven forbid! Then the nanny does not know which spoon or fork to use with which meal. It goes on and on. If only we could go back in time to when there were real standards.

David Bethamy, Bradford,

I loved these nanny stories being one of the vast majority of people who can't afford a nanny to come and work for me at low wages. What about a few more stories about 'How to chose a good grandparent who is willing to give up their retirement to look after their grandchildren so that their son and his wife (or daughter and her husband) both have to go to work just to make ends meet stories. I for one would like some articles that are relevant to my life not just the pampered rich who can affort to offload child caring onto strangers.

Maurice, Cardiff, Wales

I think people take better care of their cars and pets now days than their children. Any one of the situations described could have been a tragedy, the kind we read about nearly every day in the news. When will women with children understand that motherhood seems to be the only job where you can outsource your responsibilities for 10-12 hours a day and still keep the title? While careerist women write these wry tales of childcare disasters, nobody is looking at this through the eyes of the children brought up in this helter-skelter fashion. If we ever seriously asked ourselves what was best for the child's emotional and physical well-being, and acted upon the obvious answer, columns like this would never have to appear in print.

Ingrid, Milwaukee Wisconsin, USA

Having been on the other side may I just say that this nanny would have appreciated nothing more than very clear boundaries. Wish I had had them!

trashalou, dorset,

My 21 years old daughter has just came back from France where she was an au-pair for a girl and a boy, 9 and 3 years old respectively. This was for about 11 months. The point is that she used to cook formal Mexican food for the children and the family even though this task was not part of her normal duties. The whole family enjoyed this and really praized on her good taste. Sometimes, she even bought the ingredients from her own money without mattering for her. When she finished her stay, they were really grateful with her in all senses. My point is that a nanny can give a lot of plus value to their work if they want to do so.

Dr. Jaime E. Contreras (male), Puebla, Puebla, Mexico