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From The Times
August 20, 2007
Enfants terribles
Would your life be better without children? Corinne Maier says yes in her new book, which has scandalised the parents of France. She explains her reasons
I’m on my way to Nîmes to interview Corinne Maier, who has written a book called No Kid: 40 Reasons Not to Have Children.The book is surprisingly funny and is making me smile as I read it in the departure lounge at Luton Airport, surrounded by a good many badly behaved, tiresome examples of why this outspoken French writer might be on to something.
“Open your eyes,” she tells French women. “Your children will be baby-losers, destined for unemployment, insecure or low-grade work . . . They will have a life even less rigol-ote (fun) than yours, and that’s saying something. No, your marvellous babies have no future, as every baby born in a developed country is an ecological disaster for the whole planet.”
I’m only a few pages in and already I’ve clocked that this is war – war with Europe’s most fecund country, which last year had a higher birthrate than any of its neighbours – an announcement greeted like a sporting triumph by the country’s media.
“Why was this a victory?” asks Maier. “Perhaps because it is the only thing France has left to mount on a podium.” There’s no doubt about it. Maier, whose book has been at the top of the French bestseller lists all summer, is on a crusade to puncture France’s love affair with bébé.
“Children are there to stop you enjoying yourself. It’s a child’s hidden face. Believe me, he will be very inventive in this area. He will be ill when you (finally) arrange a night out, he will bug you when you celebrate your birthday with your friends, he will hate it if you bring someone he’s never met back for the night, and beyond that you won’t dare tread for fear of traumatising him for life.” She goes on to list the things you will almost certainly have to give up after having children. They include: a full night’s sleep, a lie-in, deciding to go to the cinema on the spur of the moment, staying out later than midnight (babysitters have to be relieved), visiting a museum or exhibition (children start mucking about after five mintues), taking your holiday anywhere other than destinations where there is a beach and a kids’ club, taking a holiday during term-time and smoking in front of your children, now deemed a “crime against humanity”.
As I climb the steps to the airpcraft, (last for a change because I haven’t got my children with me to ensure “priority boarding”), I wonder what it must be like for Maier’s two young teenage children. When we meet later at a café next to the Roman temple in the centre of Nîmes – she’s on holiday near by with her partner and the children – I ask if they have read the book.
“Oh no,” she says. “They’re not interested. They’re more interested in Harry Potter.”
Do they ever ask about what’s in the book?
“Not really. But when they do really stupid things, I say to them ‘ voilà!That’s exactly the kind of thing that I have written about in my book’.”
It’s a relief to hear this from Maier in person. Sitting drinking a cappuccino in her tie-dye orange trousers, outsize ring and runaway black curly hair, she seems rather less ferocious than the tone of her book. I imagine that she is a very engaging mother, and it becomes harder to take her message seriously – especially when you remember that this is a woman who has made it her mission to wind up the French. Her last book, Bonjour Paresse (Hello Laziness), was an exposé of France’s lax, workshy office culture. “The French don’t work hard,” she says breezily. She is also a practising psychoanalyst so I can only assume that she knows what she is doing with regard to her own children.
Nevertheless, it is still shocking to read her declaration that there are moments when she regrets having children – a taboo thought that few mothers would dare to admit. “If I hadn’t had children, I would be touring the world with the money I made with my books,” she writes. “Instead of that I am forced to stay at home, to serve meals, to get up at 7am every day, to go over idiotic lessons, and to put the washing machine on. All that for two children who treat me like their maidservant. Certain days I regret having had them – and I dare to say it.”
Maier’s concern is that no one is doing anything to temper the idealised view of motherhood perpetuated by two equally potent forces in France: the State, which wants lots of babies to pay for future pensions, and greedy capitalist enterprises, which make a fortune selling baby clobber to gullible parents.
“I blame the State, which encourages a certain idea of the French family, because this is a way of defending our national system,” she says. “Second, I blame capitalism, which encourages people with its seductive advertising because having babies creates big consumers who buy a lot, who need bigger apartments, bigger cars, new washing machines . . . “The child has become so vested with importance, such a huge burden requiring so many changes to one’s way of life that having one has become inhumane, so my advice to people is don’t have any,” says Maier.
People who do not have children are pitied, she laments, rather than viewed as people who have chosen a positive and sensible alternative. Far better to label them “child free” than “childless” she argues, as the latter term is loaded and pejorative.
“Saying you think you can have a better life without children is these days considered shocking,” she says. This was not the case 40 years ago when you either had babies or you didn’t. Nowadays, women are pounded from all sides by images in the media and advertising of gorgeously pregnant women and happy smiley families.
So what are the 40 reasons for being a nepas’iste? (Maier explains that she gave her book an English title as No Kid sounds punchier than Pas d’enfant.) They range from the predictable (childbirth is torture, breast-feeding is slavery), to the serious (the planet is already overpopulated, so the pressure on women to breed is immoral), to the irreverent – and here’s where Maier gets into the “inhumanity” of having children.
She lavishes scorn on the “stupid” holiday destinations that adults choose once they have saddled themselves with children – such as Disneyland Paris, a “village of animated idiots populated by underpaid people dressed as ducks”. “No, I’ve never been to Disney and I’ve told my children that I will never take them,” Maier says. She did, however, venture once to Marineland in Antibes. “ Épouvantable,” she sighs, shaking her head. “Horrendous.”
Maier, an only child, remembers holidays that were geared to her parents’ wishes rather than hers. “We have to stop doing so much for our children,” she says. “We do so much more for them than our parents did . . . trying to do the best, the most, the maximum is ridiculous, because it probably does not bring happiness to the child.”
Maier likes to quote Donald Winnicott, the psychoanalyst who promoted a theory in the first half of the last century that children needed a “good enough” mother. More than that would be too much.
“The good mother has to not care a bit, and that’s what’s difficult. Not caring a bit is to accept that your child is not perfect,” says Maier. As if on cue, a mother walks by our table, followed by a small boy, perhaps aged 3, making the kind of ear-splitting noise that only a small child can.
“See what I mean,” says Maier.
For those of us who always assumed that France got it right where we in Britain got it wrong on children – subsidised childcare that we could only dream of, and an absolute expectation, backed by state support, that women will return to work – it comes as a surprise to hear Maier describe her less-than-rosy picture.
And behind the jokes, cynicism and adolescent-style rants, she makes some serious points. All this assistance and encouragement from the French State isn’t actually getting French women anywhere. Child benefit increases steeply with each extra child after the first two and the income tax system is weighted heavily in favour of people with children.
So yes, France has a high birth rate, but its women are, on the whole, consigned to middle-ranking, relatively low-paid jobs, far less likely to occupy senior positions than their British and American counterparts. “If 80 per cent of mothers work, only 30 per cent are promoted to positions of responsibility. A bit better than Germany and certainly than Italy, but not as good as the UK and way below the US,” she writes. This is a shame for women, Maier believes, as the higher you go in an organisation, the less likely you are to have “idiots above you”.
Then there are the green arguments. Maier believes that the rich West is producing too many children, thereby accelerating the depletion of the world’s resources. “It’s not that there are too many people,” she writes, “but too many rich people. No one needs our children, because we and they are the spoilt kids of a planet that is on a collision course. To have a child in Europe or America is immoral – more scarce resources wasted on a way of life that is ever more voracious, capricious, hungry for fuel and destructive of the environment.” So would Maier tell a “childfree” friend who was contemplating motherhood to resist? “No, I wouldn’t as it’s not my place to interfere in other people’s business,” she says.
She would, though, want them to hear the counter-arguments to having children, and there’s no mistaking the rallying cry with which her book ends.
“You too can choose to say no. Nepas’istes of all countries, my brothers and sisters in arms, stay disunited, sceptical and, if possible, without descendants.”
On my flight back I sit next to a man with a little girl aged about 18 months. Over the next two hours he doles out sponge fingers, followed by a bottle of juice, plays a repetitive game with the window blind, facilitates a round of beep-o with the people sitting behind, attempts to read a colourful picture book – but she prefers to throw it on the floor – gets nervous when she investigates the contents of my handbag (although at this stage I am willing to do anything to help the poor man) and is ticked off by the Ryanair staff when the child – now screeching and wailing – wriggles free of her seatbelt.
I wonder about giving him my copy of No Kid. But who knows when he would find time to read it. And in any case, for him it’s too late.
YOU CAN WAVE GOODBYE TO ALL THIS ... 20 REASONS NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN
— Childbirth is torture
— You will become a mobile feeding bottle
— You will struggle to continue having fun yourself
— You will lose touch with your friends
— You will have to learn a language of idiots to communicate with your children
— Your children will kill your desire
— Children sound the death knell of the couple
— Having children is conformist
— Children are expensive
— You will be duped into thinking that there is such a thing as a perfect child
— You will inevitably be disappointed by your own child
— You will be expected to be a mother before you are a professional and a woman
— Families are a nightmare
— Children will put the seal on your childhood dreams
— You can’t stop yourself wanting complete happiness for your progeny
— Staying at home to look after children is breathtakingly dull
— You have to choose between motherhood and professional success
— When a child appears, the father disappears
— There are already too many children on the planet Children are dangerous. They will take you to court without a second thought
THE BIRTHRATE IN EUROPE
Live births per 1,000 inhabitants in Europe in 2006
France: 13.1
UK: 12.4
Spain: 10.8
Czech Republic: 10.3
Greece: 10
Hungary: 9.9
Poland: 9.8
Latvia: 9.7
Austria: 9.4
Germany: 8.2
No Kid: Quarante raisons de ne pas avoir d’enfant, by Corinne Maier, is published by Michalon, €14 (£9.50)
I have been reading all the comments and was surprised to learn that there is not a single person out there who thinks about the children and not him/herself. How selfish people have to be not to think about the children who now have to live in a increasingly difficult world?
Naureen, Ottawa, Canada
It's great that the debate has been opened - women are made to feel they don't really have a choice, but this is something that should be considered very carefully as it is irreversible & affects the rest of your life. It's important to challenge accepted customs otherwise where is the democracy?
Hannah, London, UK
Some of us need children; if for no other reason than to enlighten us to the facts of life. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not owe me a living. My feelings are not the only feelings that matter. Self-Centered is not a value or a virtue. We learn as a child or learn as a parent.
Mariellen, Fairfax, USA
All these "be ashamed" comments are certainly mothers speaking. What is the benefit of "shaming" another, to get them in line? It is only your children that you would need to do this for, not another grown woman who has a right to express her views. Connie Maier is just pointing out the side that has not had enough of a voice. I thank her.
Jackie, Maryland, United States
another reason this author might not want to have children: then she would have to grow up herself!
If her children treat her like a maidservant, it's not their fault. She needs to learn how to be a better parent - then they will be better children.
Janelle, Seoul, Sth. Korea
I have written a book in Sweden, the name is, translated to english, "Darling, we can´t get pregnant". Its my own story! I am a writer of criminal novels. But in this book I give my story about the panic to not getting pregnant, when you want it. All the medical examinations, all the tears. Visit my homesite www.anomar-forlag.se and see for yourself! The picture on the book will say it all! And this book about not having children its a rediculus story from a women who got 2 children, Why didn´t she stop after the first child?
Ramona Fransson, Tjörn, Sweden
I am a author and have written a book about the struggle to having a child, when you can´t do it the naturally way. I tried for fewton years, but I didnt get pregnant. Now I am 52 year old and are thankfull that I can share my friends grandchildren.
This woman who got two children schould be a chame! If she had wrote this book before she got the second child, I maby would belive her, but after child number two! I really hope that no one will by the book!
Ramona Fransson
Ramona Fransson, Tjörn, Sweden
I have always known that I wouldn't want children. Even as a little girl I was bored with dolls and preferred the company of cats and dogs. Perhaps being a second generation only child with little family contact, and none whatsoever with young kids, resulted in even less interest. I was really only aiming for a career, and relationships, rather than friendships, were not at the top of my list of priorities. In my 30s I got into a very bad relationship and during this period opted for non-reversible contraception. After I escaped this I had several other short term relationships which ended becuse I didn't want children and my partners generally did. Eventually, in my forties, I met a divorced man with diffident teenage children, who didn't want any more. His kids flew abroad and we married. Now there are grandchildren and in which I am not at all interested, whilst my husband is a doting grandfather! This is going to be a difficult period for us as a couple.
Hetty Smythe, Rochester, UK
I think that the world best kept secret is how hard it is to raise a child. My parents helped me in every way with advice when I was young. But they never told me how difficult life can be with children. I suppose they simply forgot after such a long time. There is academic evidence that childless couples are happier then couples with children. Only after the children leave the house the happiness levels of parents go up. Also, parenthood weighs harder on affluent couples, they have to sacrifice most. I am certain that many parents who get children at an older age do regret their decision. It is strange that the most important decision in your life, to have a child, is in many cases decided so easily. Most people think longer about their mortgage or which new car to buy. But a kid is your responsability for 20 years !
Insider, Amsterdam, Netherlands
Corrine Maier's latest book would find interest among those who would either embrace it as a modern, outspoken testament to live "childfree" or to those who would vehemently defend the Super Madonna.
Once again, it illustrates the condemnation by women toward other women and fails to recognize the majority who live fully between these two extremes.
Ms. Maier was quoted as saying " when you have a fascinating life, you don't need children". It is predictable for the psychological academia to deem definition(s), while simultaneously supporting a long held aversion to creativity and individual thought.
To have children or not, in western, developed countries is a choice. Most, who make either of these choices, do so with independence, clarity and dismiss sensational ridicule or applause.
Perhaps it is time for all women to disregard the sensationalism from both sides as the entertaining rhetoric that it is, and live fully as they choose, children or not.
joanne loper, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
I want this book, but I can't read French! Is it published in English? Where can I buy an English translated copy?
Getting back to the point, I'm only 20 and don't want to be pressured into being a mother now or in 10 years time. I'm not good with children, I don't like children and I refuse to be battered into parenthood by other women who chose to be mums and think I should be one as well just because I happen to have a womb.
Soulie, Liverpool,
I have also decided not to have children. How can anybody be judged as being selfish for having thought out their life plans and for knowing themselves and what they feel they can handle? I think it would be very unfair to an innocent child to not be completely wanted. I think that if there is any doubt at all as to whether you want a child or not, then you absolutely should not do it. It is NOT something you can change your mind about after the fact. I do not miss what I do not have, and I feel no need or desire to have any children. Who is anybody else to judge? I know my patience level (very low) and I definitely do NOT have the financial means to raise a child, and I am not willing to be in a situation in which I'm entirely dependent on a man for financial support. If somebody else wants to make that decision, then that's fine. I'm not here to judge. Just don't judge me for MY decisions.
j, boston, ma usa
Great job!
At last someone has stood up to the baby huggers!
Maier, and all others who promote reason, will certainly be up against a tidal wave of dogmatists, the RC Church, property developers, and land speculators who all share a vested interest in tricking women into motherhood. But in the end reason will prevail.
NewmarketNDPer, Taipei, TAIWAN
I believe it has to be a personal choice. There is so much pressure from family and society to reproduce and it is hard to resist without risking pity/accusations of being selfish. I am now 40 and as my husband has had a brain tomour over the last 4 years we are unlikely to be able to have a child. I came to this site looking for encouragement and I have to say that on balance, I have found it. I realise that my life with, or without children, will be what my husband and I make it. Thank you to all.
Jayne, Leicester,
Look, for every lifestyle choice (married, single, parent, non-parent, home-owing, renter), you can come up with 20 reasons that lifestyle sucks. Your lifestyle is what you make of it. If you choose to be unhappy, you will be unhappy. I didn't have kids until late in life, but now I really enjoy parenthood. That's not to say that every moment is bliss. Some moments make me want to scream and pout. But every moment of marriage isn't bliss either. And every moment of my high-powered career isn't bliss either. It all comes down to whether you are a person who can see the good in every situation or whether you are a whiner. This author is definitely a whiner. I feel sorry for her kids, her husband, and her co-workers. I'm sure every time someone or something requires her to be selfless, she bitches and moans. Well, those kind of people make their own misery. I'm happy for her that she's parlayed her negativity into an income, but don't take her too seriously. It's just a job for her.
Shannon, Seattle, WA
Maier's brilliant and dares to say what many will not. No, it isn't for everyone either, and that's a thought apart from all the political reasons not to have children.
Another issue is that it's considered so verboten to speak about these things....why?
Nyla Matuk, Toronto, ON
I do think that having children is not for everyone, however, I do not agree with a single one of Ms. Maier's "20 Reasons Not To Have Children". I have a 6 year-old daughter who brings me so much joy and happiness that I cannot imagine life without her. I have so much fun with her and do not believe that she is there to stop me from enjoying myself. Parenthood is what you make it and I have decided to make it fun and enjoyable. The points listed are so negative and it sounds like the author is not happy with herself and is blaming her children for her unhappiness. I really feel for her children and hope that they don't grow into messed up adults because their mother had regrets having them.
Kristine, Calgary, Canada
You should not work 70 hours a week. It is not healthy for your. And no, you are not selfish, you should only have babies if you want them.
Cheers
Patricia, cluj napoca, romania
There's just one major problem: the dysgenics theory of scientists such as Richard Lynn. The intelligent are having few or no children, the unintelligent are having many. Low IQ equates with crime and antisocial behaviour. Criminals have twice as many children as average, even those considered retarded are having baby after baby.
Graduates no longer measure up, we can't produce enough scientists, the trend of crime and antisocial behaviour is forever climbing, schools are 'dumbing down'.
Conclusion: the future's bleak.
Lawrence, Liverpool, England
I made a decision some thirty years ago that I didn't want children. I never had, and have never had since, the time, patience or inclination to give over my whole life to at least one, maybe more, incapable, demanding, life consuming entities.
Whilst I appreciate that had my mother made the same decision I wouldn't be here ....that was her decision and we are all individuals.
My siblings have 6 children between them and their whole lives revolve around their children. School, after school clubs, brownies, cubs etc. They have no other topic of conversation!
I have been berated for being selfish, sympathised with because I have no children and excused for being childless but at the end of the day it was my decision. And I still stand by that decision now. I chose my own path in life and I know it was right for me.
Next time you meet someone who doesn't have children think before you apologise or berate her that could be the way she wants life to be.
Sue Taylor, Banbury, UK
HOW?
To: Simone, Bath, UK
"I'm a junior doctor working 70 hours a week to help people and save lives."
Dr. Simone: How does a doctor who works 70 hours per week stay mentally alert to make critical life-and-death decisions? Can he or she be sure that the medicines and doese that are prescribed are appropriate and accurate?
Off-topic, to be sure,... but critically important to ALL readers!
Garth Rex, Glendale Heights, USA
I'm a junior doctor working 70 hours a week to help people and save lives. If I had to look after a child there is no way I would have enough sleep to be able to do my job. Am I selfish?
Simone, Bath, UK
I totally agree! If people want a big family why not adopt? No really think about it!
The problem in China with this whole 'one baby per family' thing is that is that there are fewer people to support the elderly and it would be exactly the same here. Yet there are thousands of children in homes not just in this country but all over the world being miserable and dragged up. People want "their own blood" but why not open out hearts and adopt! "Love thy neighbour"! Either way the child exists and it can be miserable and have potential talent wasting away or be brought up in a real family.
“Open your eyes,†she tells French women. “Your children will be baby-losers, destined for unemployment, insecure or low-grade work"
As passionate as I am about my previous point of view I don't beleive that the decision of whether or not we should have babies should be based on their potential careers, whether my child was the next Hollywood heartthrob or sweeping hair off a barber shop floor
Heather, Stockton, UK
THE GENIUS OF MOTHER NATURE!
Never underestimate the genius of Mother Nature!
For the most part, she makes the notion of motherhood abhorrent to those who should never have children!
There are the exceptions, of course...those who do end up with kids and feel, as a result, that the world has betrayed and abused them.
Garth Rex, Glendale Heights, USA
Nobody should have kids for want of old-age security. Take it from me.
My mother is an aging former stay-at-home-mom, divorced without savings, education or property. Being a parent's source of social security, like I am, is an emotional and financial burden I wouldn't wish upon any child. With my father gone, she could hardly afford to raise me and this is the result. Mom feels guilty about it, and I lie to assuage her. In truth, I think about it daily: how will I be able to provide for her? Could I shoulder a second mortgage to buy her a home? How much will be left for *my* old age after her expenses?
On top of it, I don't want kids, but my mother quietly wishes I were married with children. I love mom to pieces, but the conflicting expectations and demands weigh on me like a ton of bricks. I have to make as much money as I can and plan for two retirements, hers and mine. It's a moral imperative. How could I afford a family of my own, money or timewise? I didn't ask for this.
K, Helsinki ,
I can't believe what i'm hearing...I feel sad for the way these people feel about children...
tara, lake grove, ny
Finally a woman after my own heart. Although, I am a mother and believe it or not quite intelligent. I raise my one and only child to be independent. I agree there is too much emphasis on what the child wants. I have free time and make sure I get it. I am a writer in my spare time (which is almost zilch) and hardly get the time to write a paragraph. I also work a 45 hour work week. My child was a choice and I wouldn't change that but I really don't enjoy the company of children other than my own. Not that my child is perfect but she gets me and realizes I am unlike other mothers. I always encourage people not to have kids and if they do, make sure you actually want one...not a baby....a child because they do grow up. There are too many people who have children because they get pregnant and feel they should keep it. There are choices and BIRTH CONTROL. I love each moment spent with my daughter but the stress that comes along with it I can do without.
Darlene, Brooklyn, NY
Bravo, finally, for a woman - and MOTHER, no less, to say it like it is. I pay homage to her. As a married and CHILD-FREE woman, I applaud her courage, and RIGHT to her beliefs and her freedom of speech. How dare anyone say she should 'keep her beliefs to herself." Afraid of the truth? Our society has become inanely blinded to the results of selfish procreating - everyone must leave their own little DNA footprint!! And people say those of us who are CHILD-FREE are selfish!! The planet is suffering, the creatures who share this planet with us are suffering and losing their homes, forests, etc., in order for we humans to bring more and more people into the world to continue the demise of our wonderful planet. It's about time a woman had the nerve, and the humanity to speak up!! Perhaps one day we could hope for mandatory sterilization on our doomed planet, as we 'intelligent' humans are not responsible enough to utilize birth control.
Pamela, Washington, D.C.
What she says about children is more than 50% accurate. However,
I waited half my life to have what I wanted, which was a family. Because I have a career, I believed it to be an impossibility.
Pregnancy is overrated. awful. Everything that book "what to expect" details--true. childbirth, I don't know. C-section, awful. Body changes that will never change back. (particularly when you undertake the experience at middle age) semi numb belly 12 years later. sucks.
and yes, everything revolves around them. but that's okay because
I could not love them more even when I don't like them much.
You cannot just not care, as she describes. That makes them everybody else's problem. That is not fair. Your children, your choice, you care for them.
Ever paid top dollar for dinner at a place where parents ignore their screaming children? And management hasn't grown a pair in years to
say anything?
If one is to have children, one must be dedicated. If you cannot, don't
have them.
Ann, S.B.,New Jersey, USA
There are good things about having children, I am sure..although the demands, heartbreak and money seem to outweigh anything else. I have no children of my own but have raised four. I am not finished yet so maybe there is more to come on the positive side.
sam, Paris, France
i agree. ALL my girl friends have children, and i have 6 brothers and sisters. totally feel like been there done that. the best form of birth control. i never want any. i don't really even like children at all. my friends kids are nice and cute. but they don't belong to me and i don't hav to worry about them. i NEVER want children.
Lauren, virginia,
It takes a lot of guts to say kids are overrated, especially in a world where the desire for kids is expected, and those who don't want them are looked on as somehow defective. I have to admire Ms. Maier for saying something so unpopular. I want kids, but we shouldn't expect that of everyone, and even if you do have them, remember they are a part of your life, and not the purpose of it.
Milan, Pensacola, Florida
Wow you guys are pathetic.
If you don't like kids, don't have them.
There are plenty of birth control methods out there.
But honestly the experience of having a child is beautiful and my daughter is the love of my life.
Yes, i am still married and i still have sex.
Yes, I can go to movies by myself.
We do stay up past midnight.
We do eat at restaurants with my daughter.
I did give up my career, but I found a beautiful girl to spend time with and go to the park.
I tried breastfeeding, then I found infant formula.
My friends still call me and ask about me.
Yes we do love my daughter.
Yes families are nightmares, but a single woman in a bar is very scary.
cat, santa barbara,
Lighten up people - it's just a book and one persons views on parenthood. We all need a good laugh now and then. Don't you love a good comedy and don't you feel much better after a good laugh?
Doris, Reading, USA
Such a provocative view on such a passionate subject. I don't regret having children, but I do regret giving up so much of my life for them. And as an adult, I see my own mom struggling to find herself after having devoted so much of her life to my three sisters and I. And how do we thank our mom, by snipping at her on holidays and not coming home if something better comes along and by not realizing how special she is as a woman and not just as our mom. If someone wants to give up everything for her children, than so be it. But I guarantee that life will greatly disappoint her as she lays dying. And for the person that mentioned the gravestones inscriptions at "devoted mother", etc doesn't realize is, maybe her family didn't know her for anything but a mother. But aren't we all more than one-dimensional?
sarah, DePere, WI
I think if you find the right partner whom you love and can afford it financially, why wouldn't you want to have kids? I think it shows an act of love for each other - so that you can go through these life experiences together. I could understand the decision not to have kids if your marriage is less than happy, which is probably more marriages than not. On the other hand, I think I've learned from some of the comments of childless couples here that some marriages might be TOO good, if that's posible - and that these overly happy couples are afraid to mess anything up with kids. Perhaps the modern world is filled with too many extremes today, and the boring content middle road of the past that was so conducive to child rearing is gone.
Claudia, Atlanta, USA
Thank goodness for the French breath of fresh air approach to a taboo subject! Both my husband and I didn't marry to be child free, but we enjoy travel and I like owning my own business. I take my hat off to those women who can work and feel good about being a Mom in their time off, and I have always applauded women for their own free choice to have a bundle of children, one, or none. What I don't like are those women who compare choices, who only wish to surround themselves with "like choices" in order to feel more confident about what they've done. Inevitably, these are the stay-home Moms, the home schoolers, etc. I have gone to a zillion baby showers, even hosted them for friends overseas, and I am tired of applauding what many of my female friends are scared to admit: Being a parent is a choice, and so is having no children at all! I love my life, embrace it fully, and I only wish there were more celebrations for those of us who decided to live child-free!
Jenny J., VA Beach, VA, USA
And where would she be, if her mother had said-- Oh my..I don't want any children-- et, voila, there you are.
You can't have self-indulgent wannabes without parents of self-indulgent wannabe whiners.
All she wants is to make money! She said so!! This is her way of thumbing her nose at us, flipping us off, while seeming so scnadalous, and amking money. OMG of course there are days you wish you never had the brats! Then they turn around and melt your heart.
Just like husbands and wives, and parents, and families..go be a hermit, FCOL!!
Shelia, Marietta, GA
I HAVE to read this woman's book. She is brilliant! I have never wanted children and her book brings to light most (if not all) of the reasons why I will never have one.
I understand there are happy parents out there. But believe me, there are probably just as many unhappy parents as well. No one should be forced into parenthood, and those of us making a WISE decision not to bring an unwanted child in this world should not be persecuted as heartless, selfish women (and men).
Too many people believe women were put on earth for breeding. Sure, that could be claimed for the dark ages. But that is no longer the case. As I see it, we are here for one reason - to LIVE!! We're meant to enjoy life, and get out of it everything we want. And for some of us, that DOES NOT include children.
I am not a baby machine and will not be treated as such.
L, Orlando, Florida
To all of the posters who firmly believe that children are the essence of evil...please don't ever spoil your perfect care free lives by requiring a life saving surgery etc... someone's child will be the only person who can keep your merry life going...unless of course someone else's little demon has invented a robotic surgeon who can operate sans human intervention. Cest la vie!
Chantal, Simpsonville, USA
I am deeply disturbed by this article. God intended for us to have children if it is in his will. If he doesn't want a child to be born he will not let it happen. It says in the bible that every hair is counted before a child is born and that he knows of their existence before conception.
Last week my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I know my sister very well in the fact that she is not very independent and very needy. She is married and her husband works while she does not. But as soon as she maybe 6 months pregnant, I noticed a change in my sister. She started doing alot for herself and started training for a computer job. And as soon as the baby was born, I saw a mother in her.
People change because they want to. Not just because they have to . There are plenty of bad parents on this planet as we read in the paper that they have killed their children. But that is not because they were not meant to have children. It is because they chose to leave God out of their lives
Megan, Largo, Florida
Perhaps if this woman (I shudder to call her a Lady) knew how to raise kids and train them up, she would have a different view. I have five children whom I enjoy very much. My world does not revolve around them, rather they enhance the world my husband and I live in. We are now less selfish, more aware of human need and a lot more mature than we were pre-children. Pardon the analolgy, but just as one would be a fool to buy a puppy and never train it to behave, one would be more the fool to have a baby and never teach him to be polite, obedient and respectful. Perhaps if this woman did the same, she would have grown up by now. She sounds to me to be spoiled and selfish, teaching her children to be the same way. I see her kind in the grocery store every week, attempting to negotiate with their little terrorist over which box of sugary cereal will stop the wailing and gnashing of teeth. Being a parent is one of the ultimate tests of character. Grow up, woman! For shame.
Jaime, Nampa, USA
Ken H. cont. Ms. Maier should lose both her children and enjoy the comfort of a parentless existance. Of course in her old age, when she's having trouble getting around, she can ask her nonexistant child to pick up her medicine, or her food, or her toiletries or wipe her ass after she's messed herself and sat in it for 3 or 4 hours. Oh no! What am I saying. This will never happen to Ms. Maier or if it does she would have paid so much in taxes that all the expenses associated with this kind of care would have been paid for,.....indefinitely. Sure, right. No, Ms. Maier expects the 'State" aka me and my children to pay for her care. But the 'State' will never hold her hand in her sickness and old age, or kiss her on the forhead, or read to her softly in a dimly lit room. What we give to our children now, God willing, many of us will get back 100 times in our old age. That is how it is suppose to work. That was God's plan. I hope and trust that people ...Ken H. cont.
Ken H., Boston, Ma.
If you want to have children, fine! But don't accuse people who have decided not to have children of being selfish. Frankly, I don't have the patience to be a mother so wouldn't it be selfish of me to inflict my lousy mothering skills on some poor child? I can think of plenty of people who should have considered this before becoming parents. Even people with the best intentions often wind up seriously screwing up their kids. Parenting is hard and based on all the disfunctional people I know, not many do a very good job of it. Besides, wasn't Mother Theresa childless? I guess, according to some of the comments on this page, she was just some self involved jerk only concerned with her own pleasures. There are other ways to serve mankind besides breeding like a bunny rabbit.
Carol, New York, USA
I will tell you that whether or not a person chooses to have kids is that person's business and no one elses's...However, I have chosen not to have kids at this time and I am tired of people treating me like I'm wrong for my choices....I also think that rather than have biological kids why don't we adopt some of the ones that are there already???And I think the great lengths people who can't conceive the procedures the donor eggs the donor sperm the surrogents is ridiculous WAKE UP the child isn't yours anyways biologically so you might as well adopt....But I do agree with what this author says.....
Lauren, Orlando, USA< FLA
I think what she may be trying to do is help some of us struggling with the notion of being l"ess than female" if we chose to remain child-free. I have moments where I'm ok with the decision, but invariably find myself surrounded by people with young children who ask me if I have any or if I will. It's almost like they want me to second-guess my decision because they might not be so comfortable with their own decisions. I'm not anti-child. I just don't feel the need to procreate. I love my friends' kids. But I don't have to take them home with me. BTW, this woman has some valid points, green-wise.
kathy, paterson, nj
I had children 20 years ago - I couldn't wait - that is the one thing I desired as a child - is to be a mother - When I look at the world today and everyone is so judgemental on who is a good mom vs. bad mom. How everyone is so competative with their children and how everyone is need of the "perfect" child scares me to death - I always wanted to be a grandmother - but I hear my children constantly say how scared they are of society
Courtney, Ballyconneely,
I think its about time someone wrote about this!
In my experiences alot of my friends have kids and are still young and still do all of that stuff right in front of their kids and never thought about what they were really getting into by having children.
Im glad that some one recognizes this stuff and is putting it out there for others who are unaware of what they do affecting their kids futures. Its really sad at how selfish they are that they dont stop to think and this book will help ppl realize that they really cant and shouldnt keep doing those kinds of things.
Crystal L, Annapolis , MD, USA
To the one who says "if you don't want kids, don't; just be happy and shut up": Please realize that those of us who have decided not to have children for whatever reason are pressured by others when we are going to have children and what's wrong with us that we do not. The pressure to procreate is inconceivable to some people; to resist, it is nice to have someone stand up and say that it is ok.
Have children if you want them; but it does not qualify you for special consideration in your life, in your work or in your quest to be remembered. After all, who cares what is on your tombstone?
Gabriel, Houston, Texas
Great book. Very true in many instances. I most certainly was not ready to be a father, but it is now obvious, their mother had other plans and used my stupidity and weakness to plot getting pregnant. Every goal I had up to that point went straight down the toilet.
Don't get me wrong, I love my children very much ... which is exactly why I didn't want to have them when they appeared. It is my love and caring for them that has locked up my life and drained my resources.
Lars, Lidingö, SWEDEN
Wow, I feel sorry for anyone who feels so badly about children. I have (5) wonderful kids who bring us so much joy. We also have one one the way, but because of a medical condition Lily will not survive very long. We will love her has long as she is with us, even if it is only for a few minutes, and cherish her memory forever. I suppose if you were a parent, you might feel different, but I don't know. We all choose our path in life, and we feel very blessed to be parents.
Joseph, West Chester, Ohio
Hallelujah! Finally, a woman with sense speaks out. I was a 24-7 mom who was on the scene for all the school and ahtletic events as well as all the social activities that three kids could possibly be involved in. I was an on-call chauffer for years as much as I was a cook, laundress, seamstess and housekeeper. We spent our vacations at baseball tournaments and basketball camps. Putting athletic shoes on them was like buying on new tires several times a year. Then when they all started driving, we spent our savings on car insurace. They all had chores and also were required to work to earn the money for their own vehicles; neverthless, each of them seems to have a sense of entitlement that I cannot fathom. They are 32, 28 and 23 years of age now, and they could be defined as a bum, an incessant whiner and a gay with a bad attitude, respectively. I do not know where these people came from or where those precious babies I caressed and nursed went. Coulda been at beach. Sigh.
kim, del city, OK
I agree with the author. My husband and I have been happily wed for 4 years now, but as we approach our 30's we are on the receiving end of a lot of pressure to have children. Mostly from our own friends who already have kids. They say "dont wait, you will be too old." But I think it is better to wait and know if you really want 'em before having 'em. That is a lot to take on. I, too, worry about the earth's resources, what will be left for our grandchildren? Financially, I wouldnt be able to cut back to part-time and pursue my love of painting, which I have a degree in. My husband and I would both have to work full time if we are to have kids and pay the bills. And forget taking that trip to Italy, maybe when im oh...sixty we can go. You do have to give up what you want for your own life. Children are about sacrifice. And im not sure its worth it. There is a lot of brainwashing going on to have kids. I think humans are a virus, we are killing the earth with TOO MANY babies!
Jill, Thomasville,
I agree with the author, partially. Certainly life takes a downward turn after having children in various ways. Many freedoms and things we took for granted are lost, but there are some very special things to be gained as well. In life there are few things that are all one way or another, parenthood is no exception. I think the message is this: If you treasure your freedom, fun, and personal prosperity you must accept the fact that if you raise children those things will be on hold for a little while and then only partly return for several years after that. If however, you are young enough when you start a family and keep yourself in good shape you can still return to many of the joys you had when you were child free. If you never raise children on the other had you will never fully appreciate or understand the wondrous moments that come with that tremendous experience.
Sarah, Fredericksburg, Virginia
THank you Corinne, for saying exactly what some of us think. I have always known I have never wanted children . And no, I didn't have a unhealthy, unhappy childhood, I had a great childhood. But I could not possibly comprehend being saddled with a all consuming, constant pain in the ass all the time. Children are draining, annoying, in the way, screaming and wailing whenever I am on a plane or in a restaurant. Children are boring, gross, slobbering, crying, financially and emotionally draining. When I finally see my friends with children and they look like the life is sucked out of them. No way.
Danielle, Leonardo , NJ
Interesting. She claims having children makes it more difficult to be promiscuous, selfish, and to be a drug addict (smoke). She states that it destroys couples, but again only if you are in the selfish category. Heaven help her own children since this woman is likely to pass on her own tendencies to them.
glen, north bend, usa/wa
My husband of four years is a teacher, and a very good one at that. I have a degree in art but work as a full-time secretary, a job i truly like. However, my dream is to work part-time, and paint part-time, not as a means of making money but just to create and fufill my creative desires. anyway, we have lots of kitties, we are quite the animal "nuts". how strange that we are both nearing our 30's and feel no desire for children, yet we love animals in an almost ridiculous way. why am i maternal towards animals and yet i see babies as life-leaching parasites, both to me and mother earth? the earth can only sustain so many people. as different species of plants and animals become extinct, and as our global land temps hit all time highs.....i see it more clearly than ever. humans are selfish. we will continue to wreak havoc on the environment, plants, and animals in order to continue this egocentric, selfish desire to procreate. we already have a straining, overpopulated planet. WAKE UP.
Jill, Thomasville, US
1)Once you're a mother, you can never stop being a mother. Read: Never. And, you'll worry. Always.
2)There's no guarantee they'll be around or even care about you when your "older". Your grown kids may even dislike you.
In your old age, your comfort level could still be left to the care of strangers.
3)If you don't parent the same way after you have kids-you'll have a very strong dislike for your husband. Unfortunately, you'll never know until you have kids. Then it's too late.
4)You can be as involved in their life and education as much as possible UNTIL their friends intervene. Who they hang with in middle and high school can completely unravel even the best parenting that has ever been done.
5)You'll never get back any of the money spent on therapy.
SK, Los Angeles, Ca
I wish this book was written before I had my two children. No one ever told me the dark side of having kids because the "real story" is a taboo subject in western sociey. Every women I ever asked about parenting before I decided to get pregnant gave the same answer, "it's the toughest job you'll ever love". My mother was the only one who said don't have them but she never told me why...So guess what, I don't love it and if I had to do it again I wouldn't have any. My marriage has gone to pot, my career is over and fun is a distant memory. Still I give my all to my kids because they didn't ask to be born I chose to have them and they shouldn't suffer for my temporary insanity...
m, Orlando, USA
I think it is a choice I love my son. He is two and yes i stay home for now and i am getting a degree so that when he is ready in two years i can go back to work you may have to put things on hold but not forever i would never trade him or my daughter who is 18 and was a joy to have for anything
laura, wanaque, usa nj
The difference between child free people and people with children is that people with children know the difference between each choice.
I spent 13 years of my adult life childless. I intended to keep it that way and never felt any pressures to have children from anyone.
7 years ago the most wonderful person came into my life. My son is the absolute 100% most joyful thing I could ever have imagined happening to me.
"My life" isn't over. It's CHANGED. Yes, I travel less. Yes, I am tired. I still work in the same career as before. I have no debt.
"My life" will CHANGE again when my son is grows up. I will travel more. I will probably get some sleep. I will have continued success in my career. I will have money to share and do the things for him that my parents couldn't or would't do for me.
I don't have a problem with the author and her book. Parenting is hard and I'm sure for some people it sucks. At least she hasn't murdered her children though.
Pam, Salt Lake City, Utah, US
I have been waiting for someone to step up and do this!! THANKYOU. The only thing worse than a screaming, whining brat is the parents themselves. I love this woman for speaking the truth and not being afraid to piss off all the "happy mommies". Wake up! No one cares about your precious little toddlers and how many 'months' old they are.
Beth, Atlanta, Georgia
fantastic. an HONEST view for a change. To the parents who wanted to have Children...and love them ...GOOD FOR YOU.
I love my nephew with all my heart and I am glad my sister gave birth to him. I never want in my life to have to do anything she has done though, just because she's a mother.
I have cats, and that is all i need.
Nikki B., Des Moines , Iowa
First of all... You have many pre-children years and post-children years (when they grow up and move out) to worry about "ME, ME, ME" I mean... come on now, how many museums and movies do you possibly want to go to? I assure you there is enough time to visit all of them at least twice when your children grow up and move on, or before you even have them.
I think the article is humorous, in a cynical kind of way. In all reality, are these things truly more important to you than giving birth to, raising, and caring for another life? If so, then you obviously didn't have a very healthy, happy childhood and probably don't deserve the children that you have.
The whole point to life is what? Living for yourself and making sure the world revolves around you? If that is honestly how you feel, then why on earth did you ever have children in the first place? My life would have no meaning and would not be complete without my children and I wouldn't change any of that for the world!!
Jennifer, Bowling Green, KY
Bravo! Finally someone says what all of us who have chosen to remain child free have been politely not saying to all the breeders. Enough is enough. China may be a good model with their one child limit until we solve our immigration problem in America.
Eustace, Hampstead, NC
I had no children until I was 35. Always said I didn't want any. Now I don't know what I was thinking. I have two boys and two girls. They are my raison de etre. I have love as I've never known before.
Lee Stewart, Sandusky, Ohio
There's a reason why gravestones often have "devoted mother", "beloved son" etc on them but never a mention of career or number of dinner parties attended.
Marion, Penrith,
There are some frivolous people who can handle a life of pleasure. The Eloy, from The Time Machine, are the ultimate hedonists. They are child-like, silly, their brains have turned a bit, hmm- mushy?
The most interesting thing about books such as these is their 'raison d'etre'. If you don't want to have kids, don't have kids, be happy, shut up. If you need to write a book about it to persuade others, then you are uncomfortable with your decision and are looking for validation: the greater the number of believers, the more comfortable we are with our beliefs.
Corinne Maier is merely revealing to the world her own insecurities. What a drag.
Brenda, London, England
Awh my children are delightful. Sure they can be arduous and irritating at times- just like my best friend, my husband and well, most people - but they are what you make them in the end. If your kids are that demanding and thoughtless it's your problem and fault. Who wouldn't want to give something so wonderful as life to someone? Who wouldn't want to teach their child to be the best they can be? I dunno, guess it's not for everyone but take a long hard look at your naked body sometime and it's pretty obvious what we're here for.
When you think your life and enjoyment is suffering because of others so much so that you write a book about it... might be time for a little self reflection.
Therese, Kilkeel,
I'm looking forward to buying the book. I'm childless by choice, totally agree with Corinne.
My partner and I have just been on a cousins get-together where there are now more little cousins than adult cousins. Weekends revolve around the children and the activities we do, have to be child friendly. Gone are the get-togethers of funny stories, and late night drinking - going to have to wait for the little ones to become teengaers...
I don't get how women have this DESIRE to have children (I'm 35 now) - it hasn't got me yet and dont think it will - I know too much about child birth - why would you put your body through that?
I love my get-up and go lifestyle, the trips to the cinema to see 18 certificate films (only hope now is Tarantino) and being able to buy that CD or DVD, weekend lay-ins or even just going out dancing to Clubs.
I would promote being child-free any day - love life
E harrison, Taunton, UK Somerset
It's only fair that your children pay for chilfree people in our dotage; after all, we childfree people subsidized your children's education, healthcare, and lives -- all our lives -- without the deductions.
Founding Non-Father of NO KIDDING!
The international social club for childless and childfree couples and singles
Jerry Steinberg, Vancouver, BC, Canada
How 'selfless' is it to want to produce a mini-you to look after you when you are older? Parents go on and on about how selfless they are yet a lot of the parents I know have become so self-obsessed and seem to think that the world revolves around them and their children. People are only really qualified to say how wonderful the experience is when they have fully grown sons or daughters. Of course babies are cute, but they don't stay like that forever. Prisoners were all cute babies once! Most people that have teenagers or fully grown kids warn me that it's not always what they expected. Let's face it there are good and bad people that were lids once so no experience is guaranteed to be the same for any two parent. I can't see how anyone can try and convince anyone to have kids as there is no guarantee it would be the same for them So unless parents with babies, toddlers or younger kids have a crystal ball, reserve your comments for after they have left home. If so, well done!
Julie , London,
I guess it's true that "the truth hurts." Why do Ms. Maier's observations upset so many people? Are they afraid to admit that there is a lot of truth in what she says?
No Kid shows the dark side of the moon, but most people fear looking at it, or deny it exists.
I think she's doing society a favor! Young people should know the truth about parenting. Only then will they be able to make an informed decision about whether or not to have children.
If you absolutely MUST have children -- for whatever reason, please adopt a child who craves a loving home, instead of creating yet one more consuming polluter. Do our planet a favor.
Jerry Steinberg
Founding Non-Father of NO KIDDING!
The international social club for childless and childfree couples and singles
Jerry Steinberg, Vancouver, BC, Canada
To Ciara
I am in exactly the same position as you. I have been with my partner for 7 years who has been open and honest about not wanting kids form the start. I hear of women who leave their partners with which they have happy and loving relationships for men who do want kids and this strikes me as mercenary. I also know of men who didn't want kids but once the baby is born say it;s the best thing ever. Which decision is the right one? I am so confused I don't even know what my true feelings are anymore. I'm not even sure whether I want kids myself though whether this is because my boyfriend doesn't or I truely do not. I suspect that I do, otherwise I wouldn't be so confused. I am 34 so know that I have to make a decision, which will affect the rest of our lives, soon.
To Garth: I stayed with my boyfriend not because I thought I could change him but because I love him and want to be. I suspect that is why Ciara is still with her partner.
Also a very confused London chick. Sarah
Sarah, London, UK
Catt, I am with you. Thanks for your honesty. No-one ever mentions the fact that it is possible that you will regret HAVING kids. The lengths parents go to, in order to manipulate you into joining their 'club' never ceases to amaze me.
Simone, Bath, UK
As mentioned earlier, each one should take his/her own life decision possibly without criticise others'. As happy and proud father let me comment on a couple of interesting responses:
- Happy being two: a pony or a puppy does not make the future of our society, children do. I don't think it is so strange that society bears an economic weight to sustain its future; having children it's not only a personal decision
- Gina: fully agree with you. Parenting is not for everyone
- Sylwia: as long as you think like that, no child (not even the most difficult) should ever be confronted with you as a mother. Take good precautions when making love
- Paul: life without children also has a meaning. Although "others" are important, our happiness does not exclusively depend on them
Mark White, Milan, Italy
Msg 2 of 2: - Ali: "women expected to assume 90% of the work", totally wrong. In my group of friends, the *pleasure to be with children* (what you call "work") is spread more or less equally between man and woman, I have a friend whose wife is the sole breadwinner in the family and he is happily taking care of home and children. As a note, my wife is at the moment on business trip for one week and I am taking care for our three children. Maybe you should look around better
- Richard: the chaos you refer is probably such a small issue for the people who leave in it, otherwise they would probably do something about it... if it's not a problem for them, should this become a problem for the world?
Live your life to be happy and do it in the way you think you should. If you can, try to make others happy too; probably you will find yourself closer to the first target
Mark White, Milan, Italy
To: Ciara, London
I have seen and heard of several marriages that have ended in divorce because the wife wanted children
but the husband did not. You must believe your "loving partner" when he says, honestly, that he does not want children. This is very unlikely to change.
If children are important to you, you must find a different "open, honest and loving partner".
You must carefully decide what is important to you.
Do not think for a moment that "he will change his mind after we are married" or "I can change him after he marries me"! It NEVER works out that way!
Marriage very rarely changes men. Remember that!
Very many girls/women make the fatal and egotistical mistake of thinking that they can remake ANY man merely by marrying him, and then procede to marry men with whom they are incompatible, or who have serious character or personality flaws or issues. Such marriages predictably and most often end up in heartache and/or divorce.
Good luck to you!
Garth Rex, Glendale Heights, USA
Help??
I have fallen for a man who has no desire for children. I knew this when we first met. He is honest and open and a loving partner and makes me happy. I am 31.
How do you know if you want to have kids or not?? I have told him I want them. I have never really thought that I would not have children. You are born you grow up you have kids. I like my life the way it is, I can see a rosy future with my partner but I must deceide what I want. This is difficult!!
I'm hoping other have been here before and perhaps have some advice or recommendations on books/therapies to help me to make this decision.
Thanks
Confused London Chick!
Ciara, London,
Do the childless honestly expect us to believe that you abstained from having children for environmental reasons?! How self-righteous! You decided not to have children because YOU didn't want them, just as if you had felt maternal/paternal pangs, you would have had them. Both decisions are selfish, but if you do decide to have children, it's your duty to do the best you can for them. I'm saddened that Maier is selfish & foolish enough to be so public about her regrets. She's entitled to feel regretful, & I'm sure it takes courage to admit so, &, terrific, she will sell lots of books, but what about her children? Does she not realise what a damaging effect it will have on them, knowing their mother regrets having them? It's also very childish of Maier to pity herself for playing "maidservant" to her children. Children are too young to understand & appreciate the sacrifice their parents have made. It's in adult life they can show gratitude-something M will surely never receive from hers
Lucy Smart, London,
I agree wholeheartedly with Corinne Maier! Every time my partner and I are out and see children screaming and playing up (which is all they seem to do) we rejoice in our decision not to go anywhere near baby-making... Children ruin your body and your life, cost a fortune, and cause your brain to slowly dribble out of your ears from your inevitable lack of contact from normal, functioning adults!
I also wholly support Mark Thomas' comments about employers having to pussyfoot around parents for what is essentially a lifestyle choice they've inflicted on themselves. If I make a decision to take on something else that requires a lot of looking after - say, a pony or a puppy - can I have months off work, a guaranteed position when I get back, and extra time off whenever I want? No - because it was my decision, I brought it on myself and I can't expect others to bend over backwards to accommodate my whims!
Happy Being Two, London,
I'm relieved that someone is finally acknowledging that people have a CHOICE when it comes to having children. I'm sure many just grow into the idea of being a parent from a very early age, conditioned by society and family that this is the thing to do. By the time many realise that they could have chosen another path. for them it's too late - they already have kids!! That's true even for those who have kids later in life - they've just never stopped to really THINK about the impact it will have on their life and what the childfree alternative could bring. Plus if more people gave thought to the incredibly challenging and demanding task of how to raise a good person who contributes positively to society, and doesn't end up in street crime, and if a few more realised that it might be a bit too tricky for them, well, that would be a good thing......
Gina, Wilmslow, Cheshire
I'm a very happily childfree woman of 40, not having kids is the best decision I ever made, so all you women out there who dare not abstain from breeding because of societal pressures : the so-called 'arguments' forced upon you by breeders are rubbish. They do it because misery loves company. They've ruined their lives and they can't stand to see some people are too smart to fall into that trap. There's now a new way of getting your tubes tied, they insert two very small stents in your tubes (no need to cut into the belly and no need for anesthesia), look into it it's called ESSURE.
Happily Childfree, , UK
Cynical is right- this is so classically French- poo poo everything even if you're doing it yourself.
This woman sounds like a terrible mother- so selfish and self consumed. Life should be about giving to others- not about pleasing yourself all the time- what a waste of a life.
I am constantly amazed and entertained by my daughter- she could never disappoint me because I just want her to be happy. Yes, kids are difficult- but also the best thing you'll ever do. The good FAR outweighs the bad. And we do need to get off the image of "PERFECT" families and children- they don't exist.
But most moms will tell you- they'd never trade their kids for more alone time and trips to museums. Life is a lot more fun with kids!
Sarah Potter, Chicago, IL
I am my mother's unwanted daughter. I know first hand what it is like when a mother regrets having children. When I had my son, I told myself would be a better more loving parent than my mom had been to me. Here I am seven years later and it is the worst mistake of my life. People always offer advice and say not having children will be the worst mistake of your life. But what happens when HAVING children is the worst mistake you ever made? Where are those people who promised I'd never regret having children? You were wrong. You were WRONG!!!
Catt, Tuscan, AL/USA
And just who is going to pay for Corinne's upkeep when she is older and unable to work? My children.
Carys Mathews, Chester, uk
I can think of a lot of rebuffs to Mme Maier's points but I'm not going to make them because I think it would be excellent if people only had kids because they truly, truly wanted to be a parent (not have a baby - that's a different thing entirely). Anything that puts off all but the most determined has to be a good thing.
S. Delaney, London,
Luckily there is someone who feels the same;-) I'm 27 and still don't want to have a child. My friends think I'm mad! I think it's madness to have a baby ;-)
Sylwia, Åšrem, Poland
It seams to me that this woman is missing the point! I agree with Heather that having children in the first place is ultimately selfish choice But it is however a choice. If have made the decision to be a parent then deal with it. If you have no social life, are bored at home with them and feel that they are just getting in your way then that is your own stupid fault for having them in the first place. It's not theirs!! How dare people be so flippant about bringing life into the world then moan about how inconvenient it is. It’s exactly that attitude and consequent bad parenting that leads to the generations of disengaged and confused young people we have today.
Vicky, Wokingham, UK
I'm definitely remaining childfree and I love it when other women, especially mothers, choose to break the taboo and discuss this topic openly. I was a babysitter for many years when growing up in the USA/Canada. It was the perfect system when I was at high school and university - during the summer months, I was booked solidly by working mothers who could not take the time off work. Being around children all day, every day, from such a young age made me realise what hard work children are. Being the only girl with two brothers, I was already aware of the male/female domestic work divide. I concluded that if I ever had children, I would be expected to assume 90% of the work. Watching all my friends raise their children has only confirmed my beliefs. No thanks. I just don't think I could have a child around me 24/7. I love my free time too much!
Ali, London, UK
CANT WAIT TO GET THE BOOK!!!!!!!!
we all think love is the best thing in the world, but is it really.i personally think that intense feeling is the worst.parents love their children of course they do, i loved my parents in that way but this feeling throughout my life has given me the most stressful and worring times i have ever had. Ihope to read corinne maiers book soon and have had the same veiws as her for a number of years its about time people stopped having children for selfish reasons and thought long and hard as to why they really want kids,
BRUCE GIGNER, tadley, england
Hmmm, loving all these comments about children being the only reason for life. Where does that put gay people? Do our lives have no meaning? Are we worthless or at best second class citizens? Is our experience of life short sighted and limited?
Children are only one of many things which give meaning to all of our lives. We have a hierarchy of needs and these begin with the need to eat and drink, sleep, procreate and find shelter. Once we have satisfied these needs we have to satisfy higher needs until we are eventually self-realised and can think about the abstract.
If we limit ourselves to children alone then we are no better than cavemen and have achieved nothing in the time since.
This idea that children are above everything has had a corrosive effect on society. Older lives are less valued and cared for. Society fixates on the cult of youth. We fear being old and we fear the strength of the young.
Children need to know they are only part of life, not all of it.
Paul, London, UK
I must read this book. I'm 40 next year and am convinced I made the right decision not to have kids.
My brother has five, when I go to his house, chaos is an understatement!
Richard Cain, London, London
I wish this book all the very best and hope that it is a huge global success. Why? If the average number of children per family could be kept at 2 or less then the planet is saved. We can't keep expanding forever can we?
John, Sussex,
To Anna, London, UK. How selfish are you? Your comment is exactly the sort of thing that makes my blood boil and wonder why we childfree are called selfish. I despair!
K, Poole, UK
I would take this article more seriously if Corinne Maier had no children of her own. As it is, she is typical of all of us mothers - the logical arguments against having children are overwhelming but so is the instinct to reproduce and that is what wins in most cases.
Christine, sheffield, UK
I suspect Ms Maier was a depressing person before she had her childen too.
H Kootz, Milton keynes, UK
What an important publication. I had a vasectomy at 26, largely for the reasons mentioned by the author - and I was amazed at the responses of my friends, family and colleagues.
I was lucky enough to meet a woman who shared my feelings aand we are both looking forward to following our *own* dreams for as long as we are able.
It is not selfish to opt out of having kids; it is selfish to have children in the first place! Or even worse, to have children and then resent them for the opportunities that inevitably dry up.
The author's point that Western children will use up a far greater proportion of the world's resources is so true: one child less in Europe or the USA is probably equivalent to 4 children from a developing country.
The Optimum Population Trust sugests that having 'one less child' is the best thing we can do for the environment. Better still to have none at all.
Alex McGregor, Plymouth, Uk
I do feel sorry for Mme Maier's children. Children are to some extent what you make them, if they treat her like a maidservant then she should look to her parenting skills to find the reasons behind that. They didn't ask to come into the world....children do mean responsabilty, a drain on finances , worries etc...but if Mme Maier's parents had had the same attitude as her she wouldn't even be around to be writing books and wishing she had all that money to spend on herself , herself and herself. It's a good thing some people are ready to put up with all those inconveniences (in exchange for so much joy and love) for if not who would be paying Mme Maier's future pension and health costs ?
sarah , paris, france
Look, children aren't for everyone but, there are joys of parenthood. Reasons to have children: 1. Childbirth for man is ok. 2. You can say to men "your nipples are useless as you are!" 3. You will have a playmate. 4. Great excuse to drop friends. 5. You will have to use your brain to learn how to communicate. 6. You children will increase your desire to eat! 7. Children are a good excuse for not sleeping with your partner. 8. Having children irritates others. 9. Children are your social security. 10. Your child is perfect even if you aren't 11. Your child will surprise you. 12. Forget your profession, it's way over rated. 13. Families are great during holiday season. 14. Children will release your forgotten dreams. 15. Wanting complete happiness for your progeny means you are not selfless. 16. Looking after children there are always surprises. 17. What's the hang up about being a professional success? 18. Saved from dealing with daddy 19. Kill yourself 20. Your child becomes a lawyer
Calvin Chin, Haywards Heath, United Kingdom
Fantastic article - so good to hear some home truths about the joys of being childfree. My husband and I have made a conscious decision not to have children. We consequently have more freedom, more available money, more opportunities in our careers and above all more time to spend with each other, our families and our treasured friends. As a woman I feel tremendous pressure to have children; from the media and even from well meaning strangers who are perplexed that I have made this decision not to add to an already over populated world! It is not an issue of not liking kids - plenty of my friends and family have them and I even like some of them!! I have never felt maternal and don't feel I am missing out. It is more an issue of having an informed choice and not having to conform to the society "norm". I'm sure plenty of people see us as selfish, but actually that doesn't worry me. I'm not going to have children just to appease the doubters.
L Whitehall, Milton Keynes,
An amusing piece, much of which is true enough, esp re the repetitive games and ubiquity and ruthlessness of childrens' demands on your time and energies. But when you look at or hold one of your children, they take you to a place you never knew exists. As a side point, it feels fairly healthy to have something take one outside a self-referential sphere after so many years having been essentially about you.
Chris, London, England
A jolly good comment by Milton in Nashville. Corrine Maier and women like her SHOULD have their tubes tied. With no doubt, Corrine is a selfish, self-centered narcissist that does not believe in the LORD. Was not Corrine a bloody child herself? Did not Corrine come from her own mother's womb? Is Corrine a homosexual female?
I have an idea - let us all follow Corrine's advice and the entire planet will be left to the animals of nature in one generation - bringing mankind to extinction. Woe to you, MS. Maier!! The LORD JESUS REBUKE YOU!!!
Bob, Phoenix, AZ/USA
But who's going to look after you when you're old?
Anna, London, UK
Will read the book as soon as possible.
Have been happily married since 1977, neither of us wanted children, and we both got thoroughly sick of the constant pressure to join the club by those who did not want to suffer alone.
Never let it be said I didn't learn by others' mistakes. I don't have to change nappies, clear up sick, pay extra insurance on my car, and then do it all over again for grandchildren. I've watched friends do it, then be blackmailed into purchasing cars, and buying into 'equity release' - it is all treated as some sort of 'right'.
I'm quite happy with my 'carbon footprint', And don't tell me that children will pay for my pension - I paid for my own, thanks.
Oh, and I can choose my own retirerment home - and I don't even have to have the cheapest room! WHOOPEEE.
Stephanie, West Sussex, UK
"Such a negative view of everything ~ very French...."
*snort* Very British, more like, what a bunch of misery guts y'all are.
There's a reason why "Joi the vivre" is a French expression. The French economy might be carp, but at least the French know how to enjoy life.
starling, Lancaster,
Here! Here! Children should only be born to people who love the idea of children and will do a good job of parenting them. The rest of us deserve a better life than the drudgery of childraising.
Leslie Adams, Atlanta, GA. USA
A bit too cynical, and it overlooks the very great joy children can bring. I think the only really valid argument is the environmental one (but then, I'm not the one stuck at home all day), but given Europeans are barely managing to maintain their existing populations, in contrast to people from Africa and Asia, that accusation is misplaced. Except that of course Europeans currently do take more than their fair share of the earth's resources, although Asians in particular are catching up.
Will Duffay, Welling,
I don't think the author is saying she doesn't love her kids. I think she's just taking the shroud of myth and mystery off the tabboo of saying, "Sometimes I regret it". We are barraged on a daily basis about how you are empty and incomplete if you don't have kids. You're not a real woman if you don't have babies etc.
You can have a full and happy life whether you decide to have kids or not. That's the great thing about having the CHOICE! Why do we have to defend our decision? Most parent's don't feel they have to defend their decision to HAVE kids, so I refuse to defend mine to not have them any more.
The book is definitely tongue in cheek, but obviously she means what she says, She probably didn't intend for it to be taken as seriously as some of the readers have.
Andrea, Vancouver, Canada
Some women are born to be mothers, some are not. This is what happens when someone, who's born to work and enjoy life just for herself, has children: she eventually regrets it.
I agree with Diddy (Germany); people dont necessarily have to have children if they don't want to. It would be a sick conformism.
Ilaria Garosi, Florence, Italy
Kids are great. If I make a reasonable job with mine, perhaps I will have the joy of grandchildren when I am older.
Al, Reading, UK
To have a child in Europe or America is immoral – more scarce resources wasted on a way of life that is ever more voracious, capricious, hungry for fuel and destructive of the environment.â€
The best quote I have read about my choice and reason not to have children.
Vrugett, San Francisco, US
THANK HEAVENS.. FOR LITTLE GIRLS..AND BOYS!
Where would Corinne Maier be ...if HER parents had taken the same sad, unfortunate and selfish attitudes?
The experience of parenthood, especially within the context of a loving and healthy family relationship, is and has been, for the vast majority of normal people, the most wonderful and miraculous experience of their lives!
Life is never always smooth or easy, but speaking from experience, I can say that there is no love like the love that a parent feels for his or her child...nothing is more wonderful that a child's love for his or her parent. That's why parents have children...and are willing to work very hard and to sacrifice for their childrens' success.
Parenthood is truly a privilege..a blessing and a gift to each of us.
I very highly recommend it...for mature, MARRIED adults!
Garth Rex, Glendale Heights, USA
Yes for the middle class but no real argument for the main child producers - council housing, income support, nursery paid for etc etc - sadly if you don't care about your kids you will do well out of them - if you do you won't.
Bufton, Tufton,
Bravo to Corinne Maier for having the courage to say this. Having children can undoubtedly be a wonderful experience and changes people's lives for the better, but there's more to life than having children. I am sure there are plenty of people who regret having children for various reasons but don't want to say so for fear of people's reactions or their children finding this out later on.
Claire, London,
"All that for two children who treat me like their maidservant."
Quite frankly, if Corinne Maier is stupid enough to let her offspring treat her like a maidservant, she deserves to be treated like one. It sounds rather like she is trying to play the martyr. The only parents I know who would echo her sentiments are the ones who never set their offspring any boundaries, are desperate to be "liked" by them and who don't understand how to use the word "no". I spent most of last Saturday with a group of friends and, between them, their 11 children between the ages of 7 months and 6 years, and not a happier bunch of children have I seen. Not one child was demanding, or threw a tantrum, or expected to be waited on hand and foot (well, apart from the 7-month-old!). But then, interestingly, none of them were the offspring of Martyr Parents like Ms Maier. As one (Spanish) friend commented to me, "Of course they're well-behaved. They know that world does not revolve around them."
N Butler, London, UK
My best friend got pregnant just before we were due to go to university. She didn't go. Instead she stayed with the man and they had two more children. She became an alocholic and lives in a squalid council house. The man is leaving and she will be alone and on benefits. I pointed out to her that she had done a service to the demographic of this country and that her children are very well behaved and gentle and sweet.
I also asked her if she regretted having them. She told me that she loves them all more than anything. But that is not what I asked you, I said. I tried and tried to talk her out of the first child, all three are my god-children, but she would not have it.
She is not selfish, she is not a child in an adults body. She did what she thought, and was told by all her other friends, was a wonderful choice and the meaning of being a woman. I feel dreadful when I visit because there is nothing I can do but watch my lovely friend disappear because of her children.
Paul, London, UK
Some people try to convince me that babies are cute, hmmmm, Hitler was a baby once.....
paul wood, leicester, uk
"Maier believes that the rich West is producing too many children, thereby accelerating the depletion of the world’s resources. "
With the birthrate among native Europeans being well below the replacement rate (2.1 births per couple) I fail to see how this argument holds any water, and is nothing more than a selfish rant.
If you want to see real population explosions, look at the Middle East, Africa or South Asia, where some families have 10 or more children - many more if polygamous!
Ethan, Tampa, FL, USA
Think everyone of us should do what she / he feels she / he should do. Hope that your book will awake all the people with a similar mental landscape as yours and help them to conclude that it might be better to refrain from having children; this could avoid lives of future human beings to be irreversibly ruined and prevent such selfish vision to be propagated further. Pity you seemingly cannot get over your parent's mistakes.
Mark White, Milan,
So many with children called the author and the childfree 'selfish.' How many childfree women (who sacrifice the most career-wise by having children) are working in fields that will improve life for millions, e.g. medical research? How many are volunteers, or even beloved aunts?
I was surprised to read Albert of Saint Albens' comment that implied that people should keep having children so that those offspring will provide the labor that will support him in his old age. Does anyone choose to have children for this reason?
To the angry and defensive parents, I have a question:
If being a parent brings you so much joy, why are you attacking the childfree? Shouldn't you simply say, "your loss," and go about your day? It seems similar to attacking someone for not choosing the same career as you and saying that your career is boring. So what?
Amanda, Harrisburg, USA
Corinne must see the birth rate at developing countries, and the fact that close to 70% of those children are from very poor families, so do we expect to have less children from the developed world and expect the world to get better?
Agree that life changes once a child is born within a couple, however and as usual it is up to each one on how to bring up the children, you can teach them to actually have your habitudes and attitudes, and avoid becoming dependent on them (at l