MATCH, Wimborne. Dorset

Today I have written another letter to my Son, not seen since 2004, I hope he gets the letter though I shall never know, that is the hard fact of life, He is well and working hard at school, but he hasn't got his Mum..... I love him to bits and want him to know....

Thanks for giving me a chance to speak to the world about this crime, committed by his Dad.and the family justice system.

Rosalind Barton, Wimborne, Dorset

I decided my children needed two happy homes not one miserable one. My divorce was granted on the grounds of my ex's violence. During the protracted proceedings that followed my ex took an overdose, refused to get legal representation and cried to gain more and more contact at several hearings. We exasperated the system and initially were given one child each. Parent Alienation Syndrome aided and abetted by the court allowed my other child to be groomed away from me. I was the full time parent but married to a professional.
I read the secret court report about us and the only negative comment about me was that 'I appeared to be losing weight'.
Children need love, security and stability - by divorcing I thought I could give my children one happy, stable home. Violence should never be ignored. Children should have guaranteed regular contact with both parents to prevent PAS becoming established.

MATCH, Suffolk, England

'where is the justice for mums'

here:

http://www.mothers-for-justice.net

Hope, Cardiff, s glam

I am a 20 year old mum who is studying at university,i split with my expartner 2 years ago and began a relationship.The father of my 4 year old boy did not take kindley to this,he rang social services stating i was suffering with domestic violence and then took my son and refused to return him.As he was on the birh certificate there was nothing i could do,but wait for a court date.I had a social services report done that made me look like a terrible mother through lies that he'd told,I had always worked and studied really hard,knowing there is a stigma attached to teenage mums.They have left my son with a father who has been in prison and has taken him out of a private nursery and who lives with his mother who is an alcoholic.An i have waited since November for my court date which is now 3 April,the first two months were so hard i felt suicidle, i am now tryin to get my head together and think positive for my court case.

katie, manchester, england

I am a non custodial mother in Texas, the worst of all places. When people find out that my son lives with his father, they look at me as though I am a leper. "How could you leave your son" and other questions are written all over their faces. I just have to keep reminding myself that he is being taken care of better by his father than I could do for him right now. I thank the lord every day that he still wants to have a relationship with me.

Alicia, Fort Worth, Texas/USA

Great article and one that makes me realise I am not alone in how I have been treated the injustice that still continues in my life despite having a court order, thank you for this I will keep this and add it to my collection for my daughters when they are old enough and able to stand up for themselves.
PAS parental alianation syndrome is what many parents are guilty of.

jacqui collins, mold, uk

I am a recovering addict who had my son removed at birth. I went into 90 residential treatment, graduated from Dependency Drug Court, perinatal, and have been sober since August 1, 2005. I have been trying to get Matthew, my son, back but have been unsuccessful due to the fact that the foster parents are challenging me and are trying to adopt him. I feel discriminated against because I am a single parent. They report things to the social worker like Matthew is constipated, he has diarreah, he has a diaper rash, he is throwing tantrums. Matthew is two. I feel that I am losing this case due to the biased and prejudiced opinion of the social worker. I am preparing for the worst. I am severely depressed. I think to myself, it is sad that these foster people have to take my son when there are so many other kids that need love.

I have made my mistakes but I have asked God to forgive me. I wish that my son could come home. I am not giving up yet. I am fighting with all I have..

Nina Cooper, La Mirada, United States

My step daughter came to live with us last year after her relationship with her mother broke down.

I know other peoples prejudiced about the situation has caused my step daughter some distress, and she has enough to deal with without people wanting to know 'what is wrong with her mother.'

I also belive that if my husband and his ex wife had had a more shared custody agreement say with 50/50, things would not have escalated to the point they did, and I wonder how many other parents and children would be better served by those sorts of agreements.

It is sad that both mothers and fathers feel like this when they loose their kids.

However the welfare of the child must always come first, no matter what the distress to parents.

M M, Mids,

I have recently seperated from my husband, I have a five year old and a 9 month baby. On a weekend to visit his father my 5 year old was kept by him - that was on 27th August of this year, I still have my baby.

He still has him - I have been fighting through the courts to get him back but the next hearing is January 2008.

My whole world has been torn apart. He has never looked after the children - I have always been the sole carer, he is just doing this to punish me, so you see you are not only punished when you aren't the sole carer - I am still being punished by the laws in this country and I am not a career woman.

Carole Garratt, Liverpool, UK

I have joint custody of my 3 yr old daughter. I was the full time worker when I seperated from my husband and so it has turned out that I have her 3 days a week and he four days. It is heart breaking everytime I leave her - I cannot begin to express how terrible it makes me feel. I have every sympathy with mothers and fathers who do not see their child everyday, however, there is a stigma attached to mothers who do not have full custody of the children and that is why not only do we have the heartbreak but also the feeling of shame and guilt, failing as a mother. I have to try and work through the feelings, the priority is my daughter, she loves her Daddy very much and is not unhappy at all - her happiness is paramount and this is what I must focus on, however hard it is.

Philippa, Deal, England

Fathers lose custody and their emotions are trampled upon by a callous, uncaring family court system thousands of times a day, and it's not newsworthy. But a few mothers whose behavior is so eregious that they lose custody, and all of a sudden their emotions and their "loss" is a story worthy of national attention.

Ken, Illinois,

I am a mother whose children are the subject of a shared residency order. The children live with me every other weekend and half the holidays. The rest of the time they're with their father despite the fact that he is a workaholic who works full time as a City lawyer. I gave up being a lawyer to put the children first, but he has always prioritised his career to our families detriment .

The children are being looked after by a nanny, not him - why should a working father be given charge of the children when the kids are, in fact, going to be raised by a nanny and not the father?

I don't drink or take drugs, don't even smoke, but I have suffered from depression, due to being in a physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship by my husband.

The "incapability/unfit test" has been applied to me due to my depression, yet he is deemed "capable" despite the fact that he is NOT in fact looking after them. My depression is fully controlled - his absence ishn't.

anna harvey, london, england

It is all 'mother this' or 'father that' because children cannot speak up or defend themselves, but are parceled out instead by our modern jurists, American and British, Solomons who as each parent tugs awards each whatever part of the child they can get hold of. Despicable, all around, and a form of child abuse indulged in self-righteously for who knows how many abstract or selfish motives? It's about time someone spoke up for children, child specialists, and informed these wretched parents and courts what was in a child's best interest, with the obligation both abide by the child's needs, not their own. The child's rights should come first: an undivided childhood, an undivided home to the extent possible, a non-conflicted relation with each parent trying to fulfill his and her responsibility even if they need to be ordered to do so. Seems obvious, but when do we do the right thing until we have exhausted all other possibilities?

Lance Lee, Los Angeles, California, US

This article details the very hurtful experience of one parent having their children removed from their primary care. The fact that it is unnatural for one parent to actually have primary care seems to be overlooked. If parents who split are encouraged, supported and educated to always try to maintain an equal and effective parenting role in their children’s ongoing upbringing then the need to swing from primary carer to another need not occur. Equal parenting starts at the time of the child’s birth and as intact families, parents have to make lifestyle choices to best service and support their family unit. When that breaks down, things have to change to cater for the changing circumstances. The trend of trying to base future outcomes on past decisions is one of the major hurdles that need to be overcome. If a working mum fears she’ll lose out in an acrimonious divorce, she may well embellish the family arrangements to try and gain the title of primary carer later on.

David Thomas, Manchester, England

If a working mum fears she’ll lose out in an acrimonious divorce, she may well embellish the family arrangements to try and gain the title of primary carer, or she may not even embark on employment for fear of diluting her ability to win the upper hand if the relationship fails. These things are not conducive for families who are finding it hard enough to stay afloat in an ever more competitive world. Shared parenting and a presumption of equality at the time of separation would allow all these deceits and fears to be put aside, in favour of a new system of evaluating how best to move forward and cater for the new changed family model. Empowering both parents as equals in the eyes of the law and support systems, we establish a healthy notion early on that neither parent is better or more deserving of the primary carer badge and all that that entails. Every case could then be measured on fair and equitable principles that best serve the needs of the children and family involved.

David Thomas, Manchester, England

If staying with the father is deemed better for the child then why shouldn't custody be granted to them? At the end of the day it should be all about the child not about the feelings of the parents who spend too much of their time worrying what other people think.

Sally, Newcastle upon Tyne,, England

To what extent is being a mother tied up with public image, conformity, being socially acceptable? Missing your kids is one thing. Being upset because you've suddenly become a social outcast is quite another. My how we're driven by the way other people see us. If being an absent mother didn't carry such social stigma would these women perhaps feel a tiny bit less aggrieved?

Joan, London,

oh boo hoo mothers are finally starting to experience something that fathers have experienced since divorce became legal ...it seems that women want not EQUAL treatment but PREFERENTIAL treatment...if the man has been
the primary care giver of the children WHY SHOULDN'T he continue to play that role after divorce...it's sexism at it's worst to assume that the 'pain' that these women feel is ANY deeper or any worse that their male counterparts have felt.

Dol, Halifax, NS

In Sweden both mums and dads work and it is very uncommon with stay at home mums. When parents split up here, the normal thing is that they get joint custody - most children stay one week with their mum, and the other with their dad, if the parents live in the same town.

Some even let the children stay in the family home, and the parents take turns in living with the children every other week, and some place else the other week.

The idea here is that the child has a right to both his or her parents, and that the childs well-being is the most important thing.

However, this doesn't mean it is easy. The divorced parents I know, especially the mums, are tormented the days that they don't see their children. But the children, in most cases, need both their parents if it is possible.

Karin Jarnis, Stockholm, Sweden,

So, the pendulim begins to swing again...

There was a time, well over a century ago - not all that long in the greater scheme of things, when the normal presumption in law was that the father retained custody, under the theory that the children were his family. Then early social scientists began arguing for the primary role of the mother in raising (small) children, and that the children's best interest was in maintaining that connection. "Normal" middle-class moms maintained the home and raised the children. Dad's job was just to send money.

So now social assumptions are beginning to change again, following changes in the ideals of what "normal" middle-class women "should" be doing. I wonder how far the pendulum will swing this time?

Ben Hoff, NJ, USA

Re : Eileen Paterson, Manchesterl, Lancashire

Where is the justice for Mums! The case you mention is a mere drop in the ocean compared to the injustices dealt out to fathers on a daily basis. If you truly believe that there has been an injustice towards your daughter then you should have valid grounds to appeal. If so then appeal, dont come on here ranting about the injustices to Mothers on a whole, you can rant about the injustices to your daughter.

Most fathers in most relationship breakdowns dont want to take the children away from the mother, because most fathers believe that it is in the childs best interests for both parents to be equally involved in thier childrens lives. The starting point for most men is equal whereas the starting point for most women is not equal.

MW, Warrington,

Yes, it's true that dads have been separated from their children far too often for many, many years. But I think the author makes a valid point that women in the same position are regarded as "unnatural" or assumptions are made that they are in some way an "unfit" mother - and the same is not true for men who don't have custody. My partner and I both have children, but none of them lives with him full-time. People often comment to him that he is a good, involved father for regularly phoning his daughters, taking them to educationald sporting events, and making an effort to see them several times a week. When I tell people that my children live with their dad Mon-Fri and I make two 5 hour round trips per week to pick them up, many look horrified. "Don't you *miss* them?!" is the most common response. Like some mothers mentioned in the article, I feel uncomfortable in the playground on a Friday waiting with the "proper" mums, and sometimes the teachers make critical comments.

Charlotte, London,

Why is this any more tragic than the thousands of men who lose custody of their children? Presumably because women are the "natural parent" and love their kids more than men? If this is the case then the argument for equality in the workplace has just been blown out of the water, or perhaps you would like equality but only when it suits? None of this is helped by the mawkish sentimentality of the article such as your description of "troubled" Britney - no wonder her ex husband is "bitter", his kids are being brought up by a drug and alcohol abuser who is completely off the rails. As for the rest of the interviewees, they seem more concerned about other people's perception of them than the actual wellbeing of their children - maybe this partly explains why they don't have the access they crave. Your article would have been better served making the point that no parent, male or female, would wish to be seperated from their child and that shared custody should be the norm.

Doug Bates, St. Albans,

Why is this any more tragic than the thousands of men who lose custody of their children? Presumably because women are the "natural parent" and love their kids more than men? If this is the case then the argument for equality in the workplace has just been blown out of the water, or perhaps you would like equality but only when it suits? None of this is helped by the mawkish sentimentality of the article such as your description of "troubled" Britney - no wonder her ex husband is "bitter", his kids are being brought up by a drug and alcohol abuser who is completely off the rails. As for the rest of the interviewees, they seem more concerned about other people's perception of them than the actual wellbeing of their children - maybe this partly explains why they don't have the access they crave. Your article would have been better served making the point that no parent, male or female, would wish to be seperated from their child and that shared custody should be the norm.

Doug Bates, St. Albans,

This is only news because it is happening to mothers as well as fathers now.
Why no stories about `the heartache of weekend fathers'? Because it's so common place, it's not worth commenting on. We are supposed to get on with it.
How about children having the benefit of two loving parents?

Dave, Huntingdon, UK

I don't have much sympathy for mothers who lose their kids. It's sort of drowned out by the oceanic roar of pain hundreds of thousands of fathers have gone through over the decades when the default was for the dad to lose everything, no matter what. I raised my son from the time he was born, 24/7, and when my wife and I split up, she got full custody, and I got weekends. Then I had to watch him grow up calling her new boyfriend dad. All I can say to Walton and others like her is, welcome to our world, lady. Sucks, don't it?

Kevin R., Winnipeg, Canada

Regardless who the parent is, mom or dad the pain is the same. For years vast majority of fathers have told the stories related to in this story. I went through the same pain and grieving despite the fact that I was able to see my kids everyday after my separation. Often I wonder what would happen when they don't want to leave their friends and spend time with Dad. For the most part this is a story told by dad and moms alike. Parents need firstly understand that children need both mom and dad to grow up happy and complete. Marital breakdown is a fact of life for a vast majority of couples getting married today. For the sake of the kids courts should not discriminate between the mother or the father. The pendulum had swung to far against father earlier now it looks like its going in the other direction.

Daniel, Vancouver, British Columbia

it's been happening to men for years

wade, halifax, canada

How can you expect a judge to decide in 3 hours what is in the best interest of a child? Judges shouldn't even be put in that situation. Just have every divorce case start at 50/50. Have a social worker review the case after 6 months and see if it is working. If not, adjust, if so, let it alone. Follow the money trail and you will see why this is not done. Alot lawyers would be chasing ambulances. I bet people could put their kids through college with what they pay in attorney's fees.

bar, Florida, USA

Let's face it, the trend to disenfranchise and demystify the instittution of motherhood has been on for some time. It statred just about the time that journalists dropped the word "mother" in favor of the now universal and patronizing "mum." Let's also note that "father" has hung onto his name- and his stature.

Gordon Tryon, COQUITLAM, BC

my, my, my, how unfair it is to have the shoe on the other foot!!
how do you like it girls?!!!??

The sorrow you women feel is exactly the sorrow Fathers feel when they lose their children.

We need more of this in the world, not less.
The only possible way to get the women to fess up to "shared parenting" is to make 100% Father custody a common, every day occurance. Some medicine is bitter.

David , portland , or USA

I am amazed that there are women who are OK with this type of set up. I am a stay at home mother of 2 and I take this responsibility as a great honor. The fact is women who have children have a greater calling and that is to be a wife and mother. It is truly the greatest gift God gave to us women. We are blessed not inconvenienced because we have children.

Women should not work outside of the home when they have children to raise. We have become a society that has it's priorities in the wrong place. Many of these women would never find themselves divorced if they did what their God given role was, and that is to be a mother.

You can never replace the time lost with your children which God has blessed you with.

CA, PA,

If a man was drunk, on drugs and consistently breaking the law.

Would you give custody of your children to him: Of course not.

While none of us really see whats really going on, just the public records alone would scare anyone who cares about the well being of children.

Yes she's a woman... Yes she gave them birth... But that doesn't mean she is a good mother.

Ryan Manard, Toronto, Canada

This has been the plight of divorced husbands, robbed of their children for decades. It is only now that some women are experiencing what their mothers, grandmothers, and great grandmothers have subjected men to over the past untold number of generations. It seems that in this pursuit of equality between the sexes, women only look at what they have to gain, and not what they should be willing to sacrifice. For every step forward a woman takes in equality, there should be an equal step forward for men. Having a father become the primary caregiver to his children is one such step that has been a long time coming.

matthew, south pasadena, ca, usa

Situational feminism wins again! While it is unfortunate that these women feel like failures for not having custody, that emotion is not the court's problem. If women want equality that means being equal before the law in all things. Being a working professional was not "held against" any of these women in court. That fact was simply given the same consideration that it would've received had the professional in question been male. The children should always go to the more available, able parent, regardless of gender. That is what equal rights means. How can the fair and equitable application of this rule be considered punishing females? It is their perceptions of their situation, not the law, that needs changing. It is just as sexist to assume women should automatically get custody as it is to assume that women should stay in the home.

Cases of illegal denial of access should be handled harshly, regardless of the gender of the parent!

A happy noncustodial mother,
Kath.

Katherine Breward, Cambridge, Canada

poor poor momies!! i really feel for you. all boo hooing because you got what you've asked for...equality!!! what is this article actualy trying to say??? that men shouldn't have an equal playing field??? as a man if you work hard and get married you shoul be forced by society to pay because your a man?? and not women?? where does it say in marrage vows or the law that women should have the upper hand?? it's sexual bigotry to classify men as the inferrior parent!!

Women wanted equal rights and wanted to go to work for equal pay and the vote and property rights. well the same goes for the men ladies we want our children just as bad as you do. and we hurt too.. just like you. we feel pain.

so quit your whining about men standing up and wanting what they love and work for.. it's only fair we as society that we give ALL people equal concideration in the matter.

one more thing...Hillary Clinton as President??? HA HA HA
very funny!! just give it away to the republcans why don't cha

ANG, yucaipa, USA

I think the person who answered above does not live apart from her children. I think using the word 'whining' is very unfair. The writer sounds very bitter. My children live with their father, through a long and drawn out court battle (costing £1000's) he got granted a residence order. I am not 'whining' however, I am judged at every turn. I could go into details and tell you how unfair it is, that he took them from me, etc etc, but I choose to try to focus on the times that I do spend with one of my children, and trying to restore the relationship I had with the other two who I have not seen for 16 months. I know their father and I know that at the moment they are emotionally unable to contact me. I pray that one day they will come and find me.

Belinda, London,

It's not as simple as the whining mothers in your article make it seem. Having been a single mother for 15 years, I can assure you that juggling all the demands of work and childrearing isn't a joyous picnic either. Also, if your children don't like you, you played a role in that outcome. I've seen many children bend over backward for a few crumbs of affection from their absentee parent.

mega, portland, Oregon, USA

My daughter has been through and lost custody of her two boys ? why The court Cafcass didn't believe anything she said.
She doesnt see them despite a court order!
She suffered abuse from this person protected the children from lots of things that went on!
She has debts lost all her belongings!
She is not middle class she worked he didn't I suspect he only wanted them for the Finances and he thinks they are both going to be professional footballers!
Where is the justice for mums!

Eileen Paterson, Manchesterl, Lancashire