I find this very disturbing, and I am not as forgiving as many of the other posters here of the woman. Can she possibly imagine what it's like for her mother? The humiliation she must feel, and the resentment from her daughter must be tangible in every action, every look at her. If I was her mother I'd feel absolutely awful. To love and care for your parents is natural, even when they can hardly do anything for themselves. It's only our screwed up society that talks about "unpaid carers" and other such nonsense. Care is what we all should be doing, it's not doing the job of the council, it's doing what we should always do anyway. They're our parents for goodness sake, it's up to us to give back to them in these years. The writer thinks she has no vocation to rub cream into her poor mother. Her vocation is being her child - that is enough. It revolts her to do it. Sorry, but I find that totally disgusting. Where is the love here?

HG, London, UK

I am 21 and i lost my mother to lung cancer last year. It was 6months from diagnosis to death. I juggled uni inbetween visiting her in hospital and home. I helped care for my mum with my dad but my mum put herself into a hospice as she couldnt deal with the pain and this was the only place she could 'live' comfortably despite bein desperate to spend her last months at home.Once admitted to the hospice, she had days out when she could still walk. A month later she couldnt move, but i visited everyday, my dad stayed over nyt aswel. I admit i found it hard, feeding her, giving her drinks, picking her up to sit down, its hard to c some1 u love like this. The role reversal is also hard. We all found it hard, it was nice to get a break,which makes u feel guilty. I admire those who looked after my mum, they made her last days comfortble. But i would give anything to have my mum here, even if it meant caring for her.But i would need help as any1 would. You need a life to, she wants that for u.

kate, nottingham,

How helpful it is to realise that I am not alone with my guilt and my pain.
I have an 86 year old mother who is desperate to bind me to her in this way. She would love me to leave my home, my work, my friends and my children just to care wholly for her. But I cannot do it.
And I cannot understand why any mother would want this from her child. Surely if you love your child you do not want to cause them pain and grief and guilt, or ask of them more than they can give, repeatedly.
I would rather die young.

C Herbert, Channel Islands,

Thank you thank you thank you!
This is exactly how I feel - I'm a career-orientated person who doesn't feel any particular interest in having children. Now I live with an elderly relative who I've never been close to. I can't help it, he repulses me. He takes over every aspect of our lives and his catheters, incontinence pads and carers take over our whole house. The carers are a nighmare - rude and common, they make it clear that they find me a disappointment. They don't understand why I would want to do anything other than stay at home and care for him.

It's hell. He's lost any idea of the people around him having needs. He makes noises all night and deliberately falls over (yes really!) if he wants attention. He is constantly calling us for no real reason. I would move out but can't as that would leave my mother alone with him and it would be too much for her.

Well done - and you are not a bad person.

x x

Allie, London,

What a terrible story. Some people just don't appreciate anything. I was orphaned as a child. I'd do anything to have a parent to care for.

MN, London, UK

Remember that you too will be there one day....let's hope that the people looking after you do not feel the revulsion you feel when tending t o your Mother....your immediate answer is to get more help ...even if you have to pay for it...or even if it means that you will inherit less! It is an everlasting problem...but maybe that's what life is about...your mother tended and nurtured you when you were young and feeble , and now at her ending..the role is reversed. How will you feel when your turn comes...she may well know exactly how you feel, but what choice does she have...think on!

Elizabeth m., Amersham,

i have read this sad letter over many times this week and for the first time ever feel the need to respond to something i have read in a newspaper. i am a 48 year old nurse who still after 30 years loves her job. however i also have to care for an elderly relative from time to time, including basic hygeine needs. i do not find this easy and i think it is because it is too close to home. i imagine if i wasn't a nurse i would find it intolerable, as i believe my relative's closer family does! PLEASE get some help. as others have said social services can help. do not feel guilty, you have already done an amazing job, one of which you never imagined you would have to do.

liz, manchester, uk

This lady is not alone in finding it easier to care for animals than people. I do!!! We are brainwashed from childhood into
believing that we have responsibility for others: we do not!!
(The state may have - but that's a different issue.) In fact all our relationships are loaded with 'moral' obligations- but these have been 'fabricated' by, firstly the church from ancient times, and secondly, politicians in the modern era whom it suits financially.
Childern never ask to be born - they should only care for parents if they want to. The parent in this situation has lived long - her daughter may have 30 years to enjoy. This lady must not feel guilty - life is not perfect - her mother should have respite/day care for 3 days a week. She is not her mother, which is why she's revolted by her - children are different - they are pleasing to look at/touch.
People should provide for old age , and let their children be free to live. It's the 21st. century - not the middle ages.....

Monica Waters, Hayling Island, England

No one should criticise this woman without actually knowing her and her situation. She has my enormous sympathy. I too am a carer but not as
heavily involved. Even so, I find myself drained, depressed and trapped.
I find it helps to allow myself one day a week to go out and do something I enjoy. As another reader said, many parents have not been kind and loving to their children and it is human nature to feel it more difficult to care for someone out of duty than out of love. I love my children and would not want them to spend their lives caring for me but hope they would help me to choose the right nursing home. Other readers have said this woman is selfish to begrudge the car she gives.
How judgemental! I hope she gets the help she needs.

Maggie, UK

J.M. Stephens, Sidmouth, Devon

I would ask you focus on a positive. Namely your considered decision not to send your mum into a care home. You are aware of her physical frailties and the anxieties she will experience in a home given she is still compos mentis. Don’t forget, too, that it is a source of relief to you that she can’t see how uncomfortable you are when in physical contact with her and that she doesn’t realise the resentment you harbour. Are you really as terrible as you think? Be self-empathic and don’t beat yourself up over your frustrations.
Is your 9am dressing gown really a target for tacit disapproval? Examine your attitudes, past and present, and ask yourself, ‘am I being a tad irrational here?’ The answer may be no, but you should give consideration to this if it affects you negatively.
The broadly smiling carers. What lies behind the façade of solicitous ecstasy? They may be as miserable as you but simply better actors or, to put it another way, less honest with themselves.
Finally, what would you do with your life if it was totally yours? What ambitions do you have? Reflect on your situation. You are a human being caring for another human being and that’s what we do, it just comes easier to some that others.

Brian Walsh, Birmingham, UK

The iniquity of losing ones savings/home to pay for care has meant that thousands of daughters and sons are trying to prevent their parents' lives work and savings and take on the burden of caring for them. They are saving the govnernment a fortune, in fact by caring for their parents instead of 'putting them in a home' , they are GIVING the government their money.
There are 2 solutions;
The £20,000 threshold below which old people qualify for state help is far too low and should be raised to at least £100.000.The system of grabbing all the old persons money to pour into care homes costing approx £500 per week should be changed. eg old peolple could invest ALL their capital (from the sale of thier house) and they would then pay whatever proportion of their care they could raise form the interest to meet the cost of their care. The lump sum of their legacy would be preserved for handing onto family members,or whosoever the old person nominated, NOT the government!

Charlotte, birkenhead, wirral

Please seek help from your government services. No-one can care indefinitely for someone 24 hours a day, seven days a week and cope adequately, let alone happily. You need a break, sleep, and time for yourself. That is only human.

Jenny Richardson, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

I am in a very similar situation caring for my 97 year old mother who has dementia and is stone deaf. She imagines and is controlled by an imaginary husband and wife couple for whom she daily makes cups of tea. Annoyingly "they" tell her to get up at six o'clock each morning so she goes downstairs and sits in a cold living-room. She is often too agitated to go to bed until late: fearful that they are trying to get her. So I am tired. I get frustrated and angry: shouting and throwing things to release the tension. I have to do things that turn my stomach: such as finding my best saucepan full of urine and hidden in my study because being incontinent she'd used it. But this morning she shouted to "them" she'd only
got a few more months to live and would probably die not long after Christmas. That pulled me up sharp for I realised the end will really be the end.

Janet Couzens, West Ealing, London W139TT, England

Dear Carer,

Some points for you to consider:

1. Did it ever occur to you that the nurses and other carers who seem so cheerful might be feeling exactly the same as you, and just like you are putting a brave face on it?

2. Why did you not mind caring for your dog, but do caring for your mother?

3. If you had to organise a "carer away day", or any sort of break for carers, how and what would you do? Would it be any different from what happens at the moment? If it is, have you ever tried suggesting it?

Keiran Proffer, London,

Writing how you feel will be cathartic, but will also leave you feeling raw and exposed. Take care of yourself. Allow yourself treats and things that make you feel good. Your mother has lived to a great age, she may well dread each day, losing herself in her talking books. Allow yourself time away from home and get in good domicilary care- you need to be strong to do this, but you will be able to discuss the merits and faults of the carers with your mother, she will be meeting new people who are paid to be nice to her- and you can get out and do other things about which you can talk to your mother!
There may come a time when you can put hand cream on your mother's hands when you do yours, and maybe even massage her feet too. You will feel so much better and she will experience a caring daughter and not a resentful one. We are not expected to be perfect. You are not alone. She may be waiting to leave a happy daughter, and not a desparately unhappy one.

Cecilia Browning, Exeter, Devon

But Fiona, it's not so easy to find such a care home. The problem with care homes is that there just aren't any that can or do provide the depth and kind of care that such an aged parent needs, at least while there is any family person able and willing to take them on. My wife and a daughter worked in several homes, saw good and bad, and the good was just not good enough. Expectations of the quality of care are so low. People may say what they think are kind and boosting things like how wonderful you are. But the depth of despair one feels as a carer of an aged parent is so difficult to describe to anyone, even with even a good friend. That only happens a little when you get so low you break down, often that is when alone. When you have the company of a friend the one thing you want to do is take advantage of their good cheer, their positive attitudes about being part of the world, their sense of being alive. While your life is stuck on an icefloe drifting by, until it melts.

One_stuck_on_an_icefloe, London,

Contact the Kiloran Trust, a little charity that provides respite for carers, visit their website for info. Do not expect your (or your mother's) social worker either to know about it or to make the referral. But it is well worth it, and there ought to be many more places like it.

R, Hertfordshire,

my sister cares for my 83year old mum, and i feel guilty that i can not do more , this story made me sad, for my sister, but we still love mum so much, but i think thats because she isstill very loveable, she is so compliant and jolly, however if she went all groany andmoany and started loosing her sense of humour, we might end up wishing she was gone, its a scary story, to close to home for comfort for most of us, but well written

kay, london, uk

Also highly recommended: The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring by Hugh Marriott published by Little Brown

Cecilia Browning, Exeter, Devon

Maybe we are all getting too old, already. Forecasts of people living to be 100+ do nothing but fill me with dread and horror. What quality of life is there at 90+?

I only feel empathy for the poor author of this piece.

I watched my father being consumed by cancer. Mercifully, it was over quickly and he had professional care at all times. I could and would not have cared for him myself, as our relationship was not a good one.

Hunter S Thompson did the brave hting and removed himself from society when he could stand it no longer. I hope to have the strength to do the same one day...

niklas, s-africa,

Having read this poignant article, for me there are several unanswered questions, namely ,has there been an offer of an assessment for both of these people, along with advice with regards to financial benefits, these services can be accessed through, the Local Authority Social Services Department, drawing on the expertise of an Older person's team of Social Workers. It would seem from the given information that both of these people in their own right, meet the eligibility criteria for a "needs assessment" under the NHS and Community Care Act 1990 and the Carers Act 2004.
Has anyone suggested Respite Care? Perhaps Mother could be persuaded to go into a Residential Care Home for a week every now and again, to give her daughter a break.
The anger and guilt are in my opinion, part and parcel of "Loss".One of the most difficult things many of us have to face with our elderly parents is the "role reversal", we are now the parent they are the child!

Christine Phillips, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom

I can relate so completely to everything you said, you must ask for help. The nurse is the first one to confide in. I was in the same position as you until I just broke down in tears and told a proffesional just how I felt . You will be surprised and relieved to know just how good at helping you they are. YOu think you are the only one to feel that way and you realise it is normal!! Get them to arrange some respite care

p stevens, derby, england

If the writer of ' I resent her still being alive' is able to arrange short term care for her mother for a weekend or a week, she may like to come on a residential course at Higham Hall in the Lake District.. I could offer one free place on any course in our brochure. Please look on our website www.highamhall.com
All our courses are for adults not wanting qualifications and allow people to escape from daily ties and difficulties and immerse themselves in a activity close ttheir hearts - for a short time. This is a one-off offer to this lady only.

Alex Alexandre, Cockermouth, Cumbria

I don't believe anyone could nurse "a needy wreckage of a human being" with a genuinely selfless good heart. You have the good heart all right - it's why you refuse to consign your mother to the care of strangers. To expect that heart to be "genuinely selfless" is, however, to be superhuman. It sounds as though your mother sabotaged your confidence in the past, which would explain your revulsion as well as your self-dislike, which is evident throughout and culminates in your calling yourself a "bitch". Your self-esteem has sunk so low that you've lost sight of the fact that your life is equally as important as your mother's. Use that "good heart" to seek out a suitable care home - your mum could be in danger without a properly trained carer - to enable you to get your life back and your mother's life to eventually end without the rancour that presently clouds your relationship.

Fiona Crawford, York, England

That story was published yesterday but I assume it was wrote a short while ago.If so,I would liked to have seen a little footnote added by the newspaper,something along the lines of what help if any has been put in place for this mother and daughter.My biggest fear is that she has submitted this heart breaking story and is still left coping on her own.
There is help out there,she does have options,where are the people to help and advise her.

Media can publish all these articles as much as they want.My mam used to say and I bet many of you here will know this saying......Todays news is tomorrows chip paper.Will the Times follow up on her letter? Will they point her in the direction of some help.

Rosemary, Newcastle,

Your reader should not be caring for her mother, she should hand her over to the care of those who choose to care for the elderly. She is deluding herself that her mother does not know how she feels. What can be worse than having all your personal care administered by unfeeling and unloving hands. Life must be torture for them both. It is not too late for her mother to spend her final days being cherished.

She must admit her feelings to the care team involved and find a better place for her mother or employ carers to come into the home to look after her.

If there are issues about the ownership of the house and care home fees she must get some legal help but above all she must be honest and deal with it.

She may be dismissive about the carer relief days she is offered but others in her position are just grateful to get away for the day and be cared for by someone else and not have to think about how or where to go. Carers are abused in this country and they and the elderly they care for get a very raw deal.

Carers grants which are given to local authorities are swallowed up in bureaucracy and administration, the pittance that is left covers, amongst other things, carer day pamper days and they have been found to be a beneficial use of the funds.

Win Armand Smith, Tarrant Gunville, Dorset

God Bless you both during this difficult time.How many people can live to 98?It is a credit to the carer who I feel should see just what she has achieved.Perhaps it is now time to have a heart to heart with Mum? explain how you feel,and make arrangements with the available services for more support. The result might be that you both enjoy the time you mother has left.Treat this episode as a watershed that has cleared the air.No guilt or recriminations,move forward with hope and look to the future.

Mary E Hoult , Leeds,

daughter. i understand your feelings of gving up your life in exchange for care of mom's basic needs. care does creep up on you like quicksand until it is to late to realize that you have been sucked in too deep. you are human for your feelings and honest about your feelings for not having children for these exact reasons. some are born to caregiving, others are not. get your mom headphones and for your own sanity, if you continue with her care turn on music when she eats to cover the sounds. i am a caregiver by choice and i have to admit that certain sounds can drive me nuts when my nerves are shot. it is time to examine yourself carefully and decide if visiting mom in a professional setting would soften you to seeing her and feeling more tenderness toward her. you sound like you would be happier to resume your old life, whatever that may be.good luck and thank you for your honesty.

lucy, anywhere, united states

Your honesty is like a breath of fresh air and I felt profoundly sorry for you both to be in that situation. Please get some help.

Peronne, Fakenham, Norfolk

DIid you know you are entitled to ask for a carer's assessment from Social Services? Please do- ask them to review the care you give your mother and ask for more help,whether with getting her up or putting her to bed, sitting with her, so you can have some time to do what you'd like.As you say, you're exhausted, and you are marvellous and you need more help,so please ask for it.Could any of the relations do a bit more, eg.one afternoon a week each ?! Could your mother go out at all to a day centre?Please bear in mind that if she's as mentally aware as you say then she may well guess or know how tough this is for you,and hate that herself,so that getting other people in to help could be good for her as well . Also, please talk to whoever fixes these carers days and ask them to check if you and your mum are getting all the money you're entitled to.We know that money doesn't buy happiness but it can buy the ability to be unhappy in comfort! See your GP , and good luck with it all.

Cathy Thornton, Keighley, U>K>

Tthere are alternatives to going "in a home ".My sister and I have sorted out a 24 hour live in carer, from an agency, internet shopping deliveries, a rota of other relatives for weekend visits, sitters to give the carer a break, a gardner and monthly cleaners. This has enabled my father, in the severe stages of Alzheimers, to remain in his own home. For now, this gives him the best of both worlds. Social services and the local doctor maintain their involvement, but to all intents and purposes, we have created his own "home".
I sympathise with the writer, fully recognising the enormous burden of care, whether you love the person or not. But if she wouldn' t want an animal to be left in the care of a person who is revolted and repulsed by them , why allow her mother to be in that position ? Turn your anger to good use, and seek out realistic alternatives- you both deserve better. Good luck.
Barbara, Hampshire

Barbara Dunn, Chandlers Ford, Hampshire

As someone who has cared for both my mother and my husband before they died, I might help this reader with a few suggestions that I used to cope. You may feel you are physically trapped but you have the power to keep your mind free. Audio books need not infringe on your privacy. A set of ear phones for your mother would allow her to listen to her audio book privately while still allowing you to hear her trying to contact you when necessary. You then have the freedom to listen to your own choice of music/radio programme/silence in the background. Or mind travel back to places you've loved. Lift yourself with memories of better days. All things come to pass and though you will face more difficult times when your mother becomes even frailer towards the end, try to lift your space with plants or living flowers. I found comfort in reading wonderful books out loud by a bedside, which we both could share and briefly escape into from what is such a hard and painful reality.

Christina, Guernsey,

Release some equity in your mother's property and buy in care. If you don't have to do all the personal care tasks you hate so much you will learn to love your mum again. She must sense your horror and distaste so give both of you a break and arrange your lives to enjoy the short time you have left together.

Jill , Bognor Regis, UK

Hi , I sympathise with how the author feels but there are other ways.
contrary to what people believe there are alternatives to a Care Home.
Get a Direct Payment sorted out with social services, that way you can keep your mother at home if that's your wish and pay your own carer workers to come in instead.
You tell social services what care you will provide and what you want help with.
This way you're mum is still in familiar surroundings and you're free to start to pick back up your own life again.

Don't let this get further out of hand!
Do it now, push for what 'YOU' need!
Help is only a phone call away.

marie, Ayrshire,

When we have ate our christmas dinner the whole family clear up. Clearing the table, loading the washing up machine or washing up in the sink. This takes a few minutes and then we sit down and fall asleep watching the queen.
If one person was left to clear up, it would be hard work and take them hours.
You need to get help to lighten the load, this will give you a breather and you might not resent your mother then as you will feel fresher.
Chatting to other carers is the first step, as they might have some good ideas.

Charlie, Salisbury, England

Whilst I feel sorry for this writer and her situation, I feel that if she does not want to put her mother in a care home then she should try to get more home care for her mother, even though she may have to pay privately for it. She sounds exhausted. It's a very difficult situation that she finds herself in. My mum died almost two years ago now and there is not a day goes by when I don't think about her. I feel cheated that I have lost her when other people still have their mum. " For those of you who have a mum, treasure her with care, for you'll never know her value till you see her empty chair. "

CS, Kirkcaldy, Fife

Dearest carer - you MUST get another dog if you haven't already got one (The Dogs Trust - google it if you don't know it), join Ramblers, and find your local group (ditto), then buy-in care on one day per week and go out walking for as long a day as you can manage (with dog). Even if you can't do that regularly, do it occasionally. And what about an odd week's respite for mum? Our local home will do a week (minimum) for £750. Yes, expensive - but the relief of a well-run place! And mum will survive. Or what about the carers from your "carer away days" clubbing together to organize something? Eg you each do a college day class and somehow share "babysitting"? Perhaps some of you have skills you could share with others to make your own class (painting? book group? gardening? bridge? just bloody talking!?) Remember, "attack is the best method of defence". I am full of admiration for your honesty and courage. We daughters will all end there eventually! love and respect,

sarah bowman, London, England

Reading all these comments after having my own say I was struck by the polarization of views. I am of the latter persuasion. None of us knows what it is like until we are called upon to perform (if we are). I think compassion is the required order of the day! Good luck carer!

sarah bowman, London, England

I couldn't do it myself. I tell myself my mother is going in a home or failing that I'm selling up and emigrating. She never liked me anyway from a baby.

Your mother is 98. She isn't going to last much longer and then you are free.
Start thinking about what you will do then. Plan a holiday or something. Even if it's only a dream right now. Escapism is great.

Thalia, London,

As a cardiac nurse myself, I do understand "tired nurse"s comments. However, I feel that the perceived criticism of relatives often stems from a sense of guilt - they are not caring for these people themselves, so tend to have the view that they will "make" the staff do the best job possible. As for the lady caring for her aged mother, I think it is laudable of her to be honest about her feelings. There is no "right" way to feel; at 58 and alone I am sure she has many reasons for feeling bitter. We shouldn't judge those who make this sacrifice every day - who knows how we would feel after a year or two ?

Heather Harteneck, CLEARWATER, USA/FL

I sympathise completely with the carer. Clearly, she is utterly exhausted emotionally, physically and spiritually. If her mother can afford it, she MUST go into a home even if it is only temporary, otherwise Social Services MUST be persuaded to fund some residential respite care, so that the daughter can rest, and work out what to do, consulting either family or Social Services as appropriate. There must be some permanent changes and she must remember she is entitled to her own life. If her family criticises, they must be reminded that if she is not in a good state, her mother's care is at risk. I hope she can get back to a state where she rediscovers her love for her mother and enjoys her company - which cannot be for many more years if her mother is 98.

anne, London,

how selfish are we as a society and as individuals. Our parents took care of us when we needed help, we should be there to take care of them when they need us.

rudy, london,

Old and infirmed people will suck the life blood out of the younger and more able bodied. It is unfair that a healthy life will be subsumed by an aging, dying and decrepit one. This may seem harsh, but this is it. We get one chance at life and we owe it ourselves to get the most out of this one chance to exist. Helping an elderly person is fine, but to be destroyed by that being is unacceptable. I have seen this time and gain where people, usually women, have had their lives destroyed by selfish needy parents and realtives. It is not shameful to turn these people to professsional carers. The government needs to put into place proper regulatory control so that only the best qualified can look after these people. Anyone thinking of taking on the life of a carer - do not do it: it is a life sentence.

Karen, Macclesfield, UK

it would be better to put the mother in a home where "with her failing hearing and eyesight and physical frailties to a strange environment that she cannot visualise and doesn’t know, where she will be handled by strangers who she can’t hear or see properly" however they will probably provide a more caring and loving home for her than where she is resented and made to feel a burden.

Karen, Ashton - Under - Lyne, Lancashire

I wonder who will look after her when she is in the same situation as her mother?
I can understand her feeling angry that her life is taken over, but the way she speaks of her mother is just appauling. How can your skin crawl at the touch of the woman who gave birth to you? I am sure her mum knows the great burden her daughter feels. You can feel how people feel without having to be able to see them to get it.
That said, I am not in this position, but when I am, I will do my best for my mum and dad.
Whty cant she explain to her mum and maybe compromise and use a care home but visit daily?

Sarah, Hemel,

I absolutely feel so bad for because I went through the same thing with both my parents. I cared for my mother with her cancer until she died, then immediately cared for my father until he died in August and though we were 7 children total, I was the ONLY one who stepped up to the plate. Not one would call him (even his favorite son), not one would come by to visit him, not one would do anything for him. I had to bring my two sons to help me pick him up, change him etc., I was stranded at home 24/7 caring for him, so groceries, and food was a problem, so I would make a mad dash to pick up something quickly before he woke up in the morning. My father died but I made sure he maintained his self esteem, and dignity.No they are wanting to know "what did my father leave me in the Will?" ...my only question is "where were they, when he needed them?" I am not bitter, but I would find it difficult knowing that I had given birth to such creatures.

Sofia, Houston, USA/TX

I understand! I went through the same for three years with my Dad and a step-Mother, I was their sole caregiver. I loved my Dad, but I ended up broken in body and spirit and unable to work from the stress of it all.
I am now old myself and penniless. Sure I resent it! There has got to be a better way. I will make sure not to do this to any of my children when I can no longer care for myself.

AAR, Alcoa, Tn., USA

I'm not sure why this lady doesn't look for alternative care for her mother - why she thinks that she has to do it ALL herself- which of course no one can?
There is much help on offer to look after elderly relatives that one can organise so that it leaves one free to decide how much one WANTS to give, how much one CAN give, and then the care is freely and gladly given, without obligation and without the guilt feelings or the complete emotional and psychological exhaustion of the Carer/relative. That's what Social Services and all the help they can offer is here for! Please seek help dear lady, for the sake of both of you.

Tarni, London, UK

Oh how I understand this author! All of my thoughts and feelings have been expressed in such an open and honest way. Only someone in the same situation - as I am - can feel the honesty and passion in the writing. Those that have criticised the author for her feelings need to walk not a mile, but a few steps in her shoes. I think she should be commended for her honesty.

Annie, London,

I am full of admiration for the six million carers in the UK who look after friends and family on an often unappreciated manner. It is no wonder that many, like this lady, find themselves trapped between resentment and feelings of guilt and self-doubt of trusting someone else to take over the care of one’s own.

In many cases it simply is not appropriate for elderly relatives needing significant nursing care to be looked after by loved ones, no matter how well-intentioned they may be.

BUPA Care Homes staff all too often witness the toll that this increasing stress can take on the health of both the dependent and their carer. Voluntary carers do a remarkable job - but there comes a time when only professional caring assistance can meet an individual’s needs.

It can be very difficult for relatives to come to terms with moving a loved one into a care home but once they have, we know from our surveys that the large majority of BUPA's customers rate the experience as excellent or very good. Only a tiny proportion regret the move or rate the experience as poor.

We offer respite care at many of our facilities to let anxious relatives try out the personal service and to give the exhausted carer a break. I would urge this lady to try this option – to safeguard her own health as well as her mother’s.

Mark Ellerby, Leeds, UK

Right,you've been honest in your writing,now be honest with your mum and those who "breeze in and out" nobody will be able to offer any help or support if they think you are coping. Mum could go into respite care for a few days so you can have time for yourself whatever you choose to do and hey,she might even enjoy the experience. Most carers associations can organise a sitter. Perhaps you can find an animal sactuary/charity nearby that you could spend an afternoon there or even acquire a pet . Do something to help prevent you becoming more bitter. Neither of you deseve that.

ER, London,

I think the writer should put her mother in a home; she has no love for the old lady who must be aware of that. Personally I would rather be looked after by caring professionals than a resentful embittered martyr. Meanwhile, as a temporary measure, she could get some ear phones for her mum, arrange temporary care for a few hours, two or three times a week, and go out and re-charge her batteries. Her local social services should be able to arrange respite care for her mum (mum would go into a home for a week, at intervals to give daughter an extended break).

Carol, UK,

Why shouldn't we all have a duty to care for our parents, notwithstanding the difficulty; they spent long enough caring for us. I can't stand the mentality of so many of my fellow Brits who are happy to stick their parents in a home and call it love. The UK probably has some of the most ungrateful children on the globe.

Chris Deal, Cambridge,

You both need a break. Find a good home which does short-term respite with the option of long-term residence. Tell her she's going there for a holiday, and you might well find that she actually prefers it there. A variety of carers, coming fresh and cheerful to their shift, doing a job they've chosen to do, might be pleasanter to live with than one exhausted daughter stiff with resentment. You'll feel much fonder of her when you just go and visit for a nice cup of tea and a chat about the old days, and leave the commode to the professionals.

You're NOT selfish, you're NORMAL.

Gillian Taylor, Southampton, Hampshire

'This above all: to thine own self be true: thou canst not then be false to any man'. So says Polonius in Shakespeare's Hamlet, and I believe it is a wonderful yardstick by which to decide whether what one is doing is the right thing or not. We are not all carers by nature. And we are not all duty bound to have our lives and psychological outlook wrecked by a needy other person. Sometimes one can give more by not sacrificing oneself unwillingly. The reader in the article needs to search her own inner being to decide for herself - and, indeed, she definitely does have a choice - whether she would be giving her mother better care and warm support by finding a home for her than she is by doing the outer caring with a seething interior.
Others should not judge, as we never know what goes on inside another person.
It is important too that carers do not make themselves ill. The writer should ensure her own health is looked after. I write as a longterm reluctant carer myself.

Sue Hamilton, Sudbury,

Poor old girl, please do her a favour and get her into a home. I wonder if she felt the same way when you were a baby throwing up and messing on her and screaming in the night and keeping her awake when all she wanted was a good night's sleep.

thalassa, quimper, france

Not easy - I'm in a lesser version of this situation, and didn't have children because of career/not being maternal/liking my independence. I also have an intercontinental marriage, and a fulltime career. I think it's nature's big joke - OK, so you don't want kids, have your elderly parent instead - I suspect it's what other relatives feel anyway - and they are happy to let you get on with it too, aren't they ?
My house now runs to my parent's tune - as a parent you have ultimate control, no matter what age your child is - I challenge my parent when things are getting too much, but the fallout is more trouble than it's worth. I don't feel I am leading an authentic life (my life) and I fear this is going to get much worse before it gets better. I think ultimately that hard decisions have to be made - I have no doubt others will criticise, but let them take over then. Sounds like you have done more than most - well done, and there is a life after caring !

frustrated, Glasgow,

As a professional carer in the community I can sympathise with this carer, but there is help out there if she chooses. Over the years I have found that the initial resistance to having a stranger provide personal care is soon overcome. With the right approach, this elderly lady would probably appreciate care from someone not so close, and her daughter may come to enjoy passing some of the more unpleasant tasks involved. Allowances can easily be claimed if finances are a problem. In brief, Share the Care!

Sue Sexton, King's Lynn,

For heavens sake at least buy a set of headphones so that you do not have to be disturbed by her talking books any more.
I find it hard to believe that there is no overnight respite available in your area. You should be able to put your mother into a home on a temporary basis at least.
So long as you visit her there is no reason why she should not be OK in a residential facility.

C HECTOR, BRENT, LONDON

I feel extremely sorry for the daughter who is clearly at rock-bottom. My advice would be for her to talk to her mother about how they both feel about the current arrangements. It may be that the mother doesn't want to be so dependant on her daughter. Perhaps she thinks the daughter wants to look after her and doesn't know how to refuse her administrations without causing offence. With better communication between them, not skirting round the subject, they can then both decide what to do for the best..

French Marigold, LLanbedrgoch, Wales

When my father was ill with cancer my family discussed the 'what ifs' with our parents, I offered that my mother come and live with me and my husband, in separate granny flat if Dad died.

Mum refused outright, adamant she'd prefer to live in retirement home than infringe on me, my husband and my life. She knew that in time, the resentment would build shattering our relationship. I love her for having the courage to be honest, with herself and with me.

My advice to those, not yet in this carers situation is to discuss this now - while you can. Its hardly pleasant to talk about somebody dying, suffering a long term illness and the aftermath but having cleared the air we, as a family know what is expected of us, what both parents want and what we (their 4 adult children) want.

I also agree with the carer - some people are born to care. But those who don't should never even consider it.

My sympathy goes out to author of the article.

Imelda, London,

If you are as bad at this as you say you are, or feel you are, you should not be doing it. If you put the time and energy into finding a good residential care home - suitable for your mother and close enough for you to visit often - you can have your life back and she can be looked after by professionals who care and enjoy what they do. Feeling that you HAVE to look after an elderly parent is as ludicrous and as conceited as thinking parents can necessarily educate their children properly. Its nonsense and misguided. Do your homework, do your best - then get on with your life and let your mother conclude hers in peace and dignity. Trust me - I know!

virginia lister, bath, BANES

I dont think your alone your not ,your honesty astounds .Not many can look inside and see how they may feel.My own mother needed care and i was able to do this with the help of my family. You are doing a great job , get help and soon ,you have become a brave person ,taking up the cards you were both given. carry on caring for animals.perhaps the care you were given when you were a child wasnt all you needed. Animals never let you down.

Marilyn Tuson, Staple,Nr. Canterbury., Kent, UK.

It is interesting to look at your revulsion over your mother's body and then to relate it to your reasons for avoiding having children. As a father of two (now adult) children, I participated in changing their nappies, wiping their dirty bottoms and clearing up after they'd been sick. We all have to deal with our own bodily functions. Our parents had to deal with ours when we were young. Others may have to deal with us when we get old. Does she make you dread your own old age?

Having said all that, I acknowledge that I wouldn't want to work in an old person's home, or become imprisoned in a situation like yours.

Surely, it's time to put her in a home where she will be well looked after and you will be relatively free to live the life you want. You've done your bit. Don't be a martyr.

This difficult decision might be the best way of showing your love.

Terry, Cheshunt, Herts.

Who wants to be in the position of "mother"?. Put her in a home where, if you research properly, will be a good place for her to finish her life cared for and with dignity. But... definitely do your research. I have probably ensured, due to my lifestyle, that I will never be in the position of "Dependant" for more than a few months, if at all. I certainly hope so after reading this article.

Dodger Munzie, perth,

Every awful thing you think about yourself, you're not. Some people have the natural tendancy to be able to nurse, some don't. Looking after animals and humans are definitely different. And it's all ok.

You've actually done really well to do what you've done, given the way thay you really feel. Completely "marvellous"!

I'm with John, from Cape Town. Get her into a home if at all financially possible.

Deal with your guilt by looking for a really good home for her(your new job might end up seriously contributing to this!), making it as "homely" as possible (read above tips from people on the "nursing end" of things) and go and see her daily if possible.

There you can see her being dealt with tenderness and warmth (I am talking of a good home here) and you can leave each night, or every second with a genuinely lovign hug.

If she is as lucid as you say, then she'll feel your revulsion and feel probably just as guilty for the predicament you're both in.

Good luck

Eve, London, UK

I read your article with some interest, understanding and deep sadness. I to found myself in the position of taking the responsibility for elderly parents but for me, being a male, it perhaps had different effects on my life. None of us know what life has in store for us and if the crime is that we live to long then we all, will one day, be perhaps confronted with a great deal of sadness in our twilight years.
Yes, none of us are prepared for the effort and the demands that are placed on us when called upon to look after elderly parents and yes it is 24/7 care which you cannot just walk away from and like you at times a felt why me! Many times there was deep despair but also times of laughter like such as, when mum found it difficult to use a straw and would blow instead of suck. We would sit and laugh until the tears rolled down our cheek's.
I know it would be great if we could just give our problems away but our life is not made that way. No matter what we do there will always be issues that place demands on us. You are right many people do not understand the demands of looking after somebody and it does no harm at all to let relatives know how difficult thinks are for you. It would be foolish to say that there is any one answer to the problem except that at some point you will be free from the charge that you have. Since my parents passed away I have felt a deep contentment within myself and the freedom that comes from knowing there are no regrets. I find myself rushing headlong into things that perhaps, I should have been doing before and because of having been denied the chance's previously it all seems that much more exciting.
I cannot give you the courage that it takes to deal with such a situation I can only ask you look closely at your mother and look below the exterior to the person inside and there you will find a warmth and love which will remain with you long after your mother has gone.
On the practical side Social services can arrange respite care and did so for me at times. This does help to give that you that all important break and would perhaps bring a little colour into the life of your mother also.
It has always been my outlook that life is like a book, some chapters are boring but turn the page and everything changes.

John Cox, London, SW96ne

I cared for my father in his final years - I didn't find any of his quirks and oddities repulsive. A little strange maybe, but no more than that. I looked after him because I couldn't stand the thought of a stranger doing it. He did the same for me when I was young, so I could not imagine ever wanting to do anything else.

Sorry, but the writer of this article is incredibly selfish, and I am not in the slighted bit surprised she has no family of her own - a lot of the people that have passed comment are in my opinion no better. Those of you out there that believe that all of us who have experienced similar circumstances feel the same way, you disgust me - don't judge us all by your own appalling standards. If any of you have kids, I pray that they drop you like a ton of bricks when you get too old.

Finally, the comment about there being six million carers in the UK - what rubbish! So 10% of the population of this country are carers are they? Utter nonsense!

Alex, London, UK

Dying with dignity doesn't seem to be an option for us. In this story no one seems to have a quality of life as the carer suffers from depression over her predicament. Many people are ending up as basically living corpses thanks to medical technologies while religious superstition gets in the way of common sense thinking about the end of viable life. With our pets we can determine when its time to go and help them gracefully move on yet when it comes to family members those that think this way are cursed.

Our responsibility while still fully functioning is to make plans for the unhappy situation of existing without a decent quality of life. Do you expect to end your days in a palliative care facility waiting to die, if yes then make sure you've checked out what is available and make the move on your own. Is it reasonable to ask family members to engage in full time care? Again that is something to discuss early on before the situation becomes dire.

Linda, Pickering, Canada

No one should have to suffer like this, and I mean the despiring daughter.. I weep for her predicament. "Trained nurses and care aides" are doing these things as their job, at the end of which they can go home to their own lives, so there is no comparison. Wasn't there ever a time when the mother could, and perhaps should, have considered what she was asking of her daughter? I hope, when my turn comes, that I will have the means and the strength of mind to put myself in a Care Home. It will be the last and best thing I can do for my children. SA

SAP, Gloucester, England

I can feel for you and it's open end-eness.My brother and I did it for 10 years for both our parents,and not many do it, at least not many men.But we both agree it has to be done in a care home.There the carers do a shift and they're gone,you are on duty 24/7 and it can't be done. So bite the bullet and move her, at 58 you should be getting the enjoyment of life you deserve.

Martin , London,

Libby from Adelaide's comments chill me to the bone. This woman has a hard existence but there are ways of improving it which do not have to mean her mother's speedy death. She can get help and needs it NOW. She must demand a social worker, stating she needs a case history drawn up asap. She needs morn & eve carers, respite 'sits' and MUST take respite holidays. Her mother's strange surroundings will only be for a week or so. During this, a daily rota of visiting relatives can visit while her daughter goes away. I know what I'm talking about. My father needs constant care. He is bed/chair ridden, only moved by hoists and is incontinent. His mind is only occasionally lucid. Our family has withstood 10 yrs of his degenerative illness in which he has been violent, abusive and incredibly difficult to handle - toilet sessions at one stage could take 3/4 hrs. However, be firm and you will get what you need as we did. Also, use relatives - but don't tell Soc Services they help!

J, London,

Jane Scott from London - why do you think that something went wrong with the author's upbringing for her to have chosen a single life with no dependents? I had a very warm and caring childhood, yet have made the positive choice to live my own life, without encumberances. People don't get criticised for having a husband/kids, so please respect the fact that others may not wish to live the same life as you without telling them they must be damaged in some way.

As for the author's situation, I think at this point I would have an open and honest discussion with my Mother, bearing in mind her lucidity, and see what she had to say when the full extent of her daughter's misery was laid bare.

pd, South Coast,

I think the writer should take heart from the fact that despite loathing the day-to-day life, she does it anyway. It's a truly unselfish lifestyle yet it's her supposed selfishness that she beats herself up over.

She should also ignore some of the compassion-less comments already placed here, they clearly can't empathise.

jg, derby,

Its not fair, on you or your mother. You have both been let down.

June, Cambs, UK

Perhaps you could find some sort of compromise, where she goes to a care home for a few days a week and you get a break? My impression is that you deserve a bit of a holiday. I would reccommend you find a middle path between your own needs and your mothers. Either way it sounds like you have nothing to be guilty about, you are giving more than most would.

Jonathan L, tel-aviv, Israel

The fact hat my mother looked after me as a child was nothing to do with me; I didn't choose to be born, it was her choice and I owed her nothing for that. I took care of my first wife when she was dying, but that was love. This woman is in purgatory but she has the way out. She needs to choose it, because only the foolish will blame her for doing so. She is not ruled by 'society' but she is letting society rule her. Put the woman in a home where she will be loved and cared for - she will notice it too.

Brian, Farnham, UK

I feel terribly for this lady. At age 24 i found myself nursing my father who was in a wheelchair and with mental problems. He had survived a 5 months Coma. The first couple of years I did well, I knew my life had changed and got on with it, after all, they gave me everything I have. Come 26 I had my first anxiety crisis and was taken to hospital, It was all downhill from there, severe depression etc. I'm now 30, my dad has had a miraculous recovery but sadly I can´t seem to recover at all.
I hope you can find a way to sort this situation out for the best because you have all the symptoms and believe me it's no use to anyone if instead of one ill person through age, you yourself lose the most treasured thing we have, life. All the best.

Jason, london,

You're a brave woman for having done so much already, and even braver for having the courage to admit your feelings,. I hope that you are relieved of your burden before too long (in the kindest way possible).

Sue B, Pontypridd, Wales

I am aware we are all meant to eventually die of something. An earlier comment from - tired Nurse - Edson, questions if people aged 80 and 90 need to continue having operations to live longer. I would rather have quality not quantity. I would vote for euthanasia. The government treats animals with dignity, why not allow humans this option?

Libby, Adelaide, Australia

I had a similar experience with my mother, and thank god that it did not last so long. However there remains a feeling of guilt that is perhaps natural, that perhaps I could have done better, and she would have been alive even today.
I admire the lady who inspite of her feelings continues to care for her mother.

hiemvanezi, Delhi, NCR

You're a hero, but you deserve a life. Have none of your visiting relatives offered to take your mum for a few weeks or months to give you a break? If not, shame on them!

I'd print out this account, take it along to your GP and tell him/her that you need a break for the sake of your health. You are saving the NHS thousands of pounds by caring for your mother at home. Would it be so bad if she went into residential care for a month or so to give you some time for yourself? You say her mind is still alert, so she should be able to understand that she's not being abandoned by you. It does no good to anybody, you especially, if you work yourself into depression and illness by having to shoulder this burden alone.

Jan, Leeds, UK

I wonder how "tired nurse", Edson, would feel at 80 at having surgery refused because she was considered ready for the rubbish heap!

Ann, Nice, France

Yeow! I'm a 56-year old caregiver to my mother in a similar situation and, as such, I'm telling you to immediately get yourself a pet and an unending flow of antidepressants. You need something else to focus on.

Corine, Ames, Iowa, USA

I agree with what somebody said above - she probably knows how you feel, but probably doesn't know the extent of it. She must feel embarrassed and ashamed at her situation - who would want to end up like that? - and will be doing her best to hide that. I don't see why she can't have headphones to listen to her audio books - you can get ones with wires or no wires depending on her/your needs. I wonder if a few small things like this - as well as more support for yourself - couldn't make enough of a difference to tip the balance to something more positive in how you feel. No one envies your situation but no one envies your mother's situation either. If you want her to die then she must know. I suggest that you get some help for yourself before it gets too much or before she dies and you have all of the guilt of how emotionally you made her feel or felt yourself for the time she had left. I'm sure she loves you very much and she doesn't have much time left. Make it happy for both.

Sarah, London, UK

if its her mothers house then she would lose it or a portion of it .if the daughter had put her into a home in England.Its £600 upwards a week ,with her problems much more so the money would soon have gone and nowhere for her to live and no legacy for her past devotion.If the same people who run the hospice system ran old peoples homes without government or council intervention or trying to rip their money off them or their familys then we would see a caring system that works .At present their is too much money involved and we know who wants it.

s fisher, london, England

i feel desperately sorry for this lady and her mother. but i would urge her to get her mother into some care facility because the situation will only get worse and not better.

yes, i agree, she may well suffer from guilt and second-guessing after the event. but she is suffering already! in my opinion, she has done MORE than her bit for her mother. it is time to let others take over.

John, Cape Town, South Africa

did your mother take care of you it's your turn----show some love

paula, ashburnham, mass

I have to say I read this article with a great deal of sympathy for the lady in question and think she should be commended for doing what she does day in day out. If she chose to put her mother in a home the government would subsidise or pay for this but things could be a lot better if home help was available for 3 hours or so a day. It is a pity this is not funded as it would improve the lives of carers and their patients.

joe, Edinburgh, Scotland

Not all parents are beloved, or deserve to be. I totally empathise with the writer, and commend her for her honesty.

I went through this and more with my (beloved, thank God and my father's own sweetness of character) Dad during his four years of tertiary dementia. I wound up permanently losing the use of one leg as a direct result of neglecting my own needs to make sure his were taken care of. Yes, I still resent what he put me through, because of his determination to leave his home feet first. He would not consider anyone but his daughter looking after him. He got his way. He died happy and oblivious. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of my life, which will now never achieve its former potential.

If more sons went through this first hand, first class nursing homes would be taxpayer funded for all !

Dale, Wellington,

I cared for my father after he became brain damaged. He was incontinent, psychotic, hysterical, you name it. When later he lapsed into his final coma it was a mercy. Yet quite honestly I can say that revulsion was never a part of what I felt., In fact it was an incredibly tender, intimate time. In so many ways it was like caring for a new born infant. No real mother is repelled by a baby's bodily functions or crying. Frustrated, tired, yes, but the most powerful emotion is love. Indeed it felt almost like a privilege to be caring for him just as he'd once cared for me. Heartbreaking as it was , it was for me a kind of honour to be able to love someone so much. Perhaps this writer has never experienced that kind of tenderness, nor had children of her own.

anne, oxford, england

I cannot help but admire the writer for her honesty. It is not a job I would want - and I will say, I am glad both my parents died before they reached that state.

But - I wonder - as others have - what can this woman do for herself? She needs to be free - at 58, she herself is not that far away from declining years - and to spend them with diapers and potties and all the atrocities of old age is unfair. I hope her mother dies soon, or she finds it in her heart to not feel guilty about committing her to a nursing home. Is there a balance point of compromise within herself that she could do it?

We are far kinder to our animals, by allowing euthanasia,than we are for the elderly and their caregivers . . .

Sam, Los Angeles, CA USA

Get a set of headphones for the talking books, and then either find a home for your Mum or hire a person to come in during the day.

Being a martyr does no one any good. Don't think she doesn't know how you feel. She does.

alice, Salado, US/TX

My heart went out to the writer of "I resent her for still being alive" so muc of it rang true As a carer myself I absolutely understood the conflicting feelings and isolation. I am about the same age as the writer and over 4 years ago my beloved partner died, my son went off to university and my increasingly needy parents were struggling to manage on their own. My sister had also ended up on her own so it seemed like the perfect solution to buy a big house and all live together with my sister and I sharing the caring responsibilities. On the whole it was the right thing to do and the thought of putting my parents into a home is still anathema. However in the last 3 and a half years the strain has been unbearable at times putting pressure on relationships with siblings and friends. Agency carers mostly leave a lot to be desired and become an unwanted intrusion.
The thought of one day being free again is always at the back of your mind and with that goes the feeling of guilt.

Rosemary Ashton, Henley-on-Thames, UK

I was in the same situation until 2 years ago when Mum died at 95, the question is that I couldn't manage to see her as my Mum anymore, she was so dependent on me it seemed as if I were the Mum and she the baby!!!

Linda, Treviso, Italy

Hold on there tired nurse. There are those of us who are unable to care for elderly relatives and have no alternative but to find them the best care we can outside the home. Yes you are right, I am wracked with guilt that my mother has to be cared for by others, but as we live 8.000 miles apart there is no choice. You all do an amazing job, with a patience that I am sure I would never have and I am immensely grateful to the staff who care so well for my mother. Please also remember that what you have is a job which starts and finishes at a certain time and for which you are paid, poorly though it may be. The writer of this column has a 24 hour a day job with no vacation and for which she is not paid. The stress phsically, mentally and financially has to be experienced before it can be understood´.

Bill Jackson, Altea, Spain

Time has come to open up a discussion about terminating life at a certain point.
Why should life end so miserable like the one I just read about?
Sick or healthy, I want to be able to end my life in a decent way as soon as it becomes a burden to others or myself. I know many think likewise.

robert, vancouver, bc

This is a result of having small familes...the caring of the aged parent falls on one pair of shoulders.

My Gran brought up 13 children so there were several pairs of hands to pitch in.

Sometimes I think it not a bad thing to be a smoker, knowing I'll probably go out earlier thus my two boys won't be faced with this dilemma because I know they'd find it very hard and I don't like the thought of it.

Elizabeth Philips, Halifax, UK

Why do people always assume that a mother/daughter relationship is a good one??

I never had a good relationship with my mother, she always seemed to be trying to impress other people. When I needed her most after a terrible accident she turned her back on my son and I.

Sorry, but I would walk on hot ash rather than nurse my mother. I have not seen her in years and assume that she is still alive, but probably leading a lonely existance in her big house as my sister has no dealings with her either!!!!!!!!!

Valerie, London, England

I've worked with the elderly in nursing homes. Families are always wracked with guilt when their elder needs residential care. BUT harping on the staff about how to do it is not appreciated. They don't want to do the care themselves but think their elder is the only one in the facility. We look after nine elders per shift. That means routine and people have to wait.

The writer has said how much she doesn't want to do the job, just imagine what it's like for trained nurses and care aides to do it day after day for years on end and then be told by familes that they aren't doing it right.

Funding needs to be increased for caregivers of all types. And families need to be realistic in their expectations. Do 80 and 90 year old people need to have surgery and every measure taken to prolong life?

People and their family members need to know that the human body wears out. Drugs can prolong life but at what expense to society?

tired nurse, Edson,

"What's wrong with me?" asks the writer. Nothing. Nobody enjoys being a carer, and nobody with caring responsibilities, be it for a parent, a sibling, a child or a spouse, truly relishes the physical aspects of it. One never gets used to taking an adult relative to the bathroom. The writer is entirely normal. However, she must pay attention to her own needs. Is there anyone else who can help out, paid or otherwise?

Rachel, Cardiff,

Make the most of it. You are only 58. No children, nobody.
Your mother won't live much longer. After that you will then have 30? 40? years completely alone. You may find you miss the only close relative you had.
Who will look after you in your old age? Or are you a euthanasia enthusiast?

Ry, uk,

I'm wondering what makes the difference between revulsion at caring for a decrepit human being and a decrepit animal, and I think it must be because the former IS human - or rather, a travesty of a human now. It's scary because that is what WE may become, whereas we know we'll never become a decrepit dog. In a way, it's natural to feel revulsion for extreme old age - because none of us wants to be like that ourselves, or wants anyone else to be that way either. Let alone ending up being looked after by someone who - understandably in a way - wants us dead.

But of course, for this writer, it's far more than that. Something must have gone badly wrong when she was being raised herself, or why would she have avoided committment to another human being. Why would she think of her mother as a 'dreadful old crone' instead of her beloved mother? I hope, for her sake, she gets the freedom she - not surprisingly - craves.

jane scott, London, UK

No secrets, everyone feels that way. Thats why we have nursing homes. Enough is enough.

Excalibur, G lasgow, Scotland