A few weeks ago Jack made an appointment to see me with his wife Anne. They wanted help with their little girl Molly, who had developed many worrying and inexplicable symptoms: she wouldn’t let her mother out of her sight and had become terrified of going to school despite being popular and bright.

On the day of the appointment the parents had a huge argument before coming and Anne stormed out of the house, so Jack came alone with Molly, who was clearly worried that “something dreadful was going to happen” but didn’t know what.

I asked Molly to go to another room and draw me a picture of the family and she did the normal type of kid’s drawing – a happy family scene of a day at the seaside. It was clear from what her dad told me when she was in the other room, that there was considerable tension and often lots of shouting at home; the marriage was really in trouble.

Molly didn’t mention this at all and I suggested that her parents came back together so that we could talk some more. Molly looked pale and drawn, and said that she really hoped I would be able to help her family. After they left I had another look at the drawing and found, hidden on the page underneath, a picture of a family of rabbits, with two little rabbits hiding in their burrow while the mummy and daddy rabbit were fighting with sticks.

Children, even very small children, absorb tension in the atmosphere and are aware that something is wrong. They begin to worry and difficulties develop that weren’t there before, or minor difficulties become exacerbated. Children may not know exactly whatis wrong, but they know something is.

They overhear conversations and telephone calls and they understand the sense, if not the meaning, of what is said. Words can be whispered, spelt out in letters: it doesn’t work. Children are like sponges who take in the “vibes” and know that things are not right. It is obvious to children as well as adults when two people have just stopped arguing after they walk in. And, unlike adults, children tend to imagine the worst. A ten-year-old began bedwetting thinking that Mummy had a terrible illness and was almost relieved to discover that the impending disaster was the marriage breaking up.

In my practice about 60 per cent of the work is with families who are separating, divorcing or having difficulties in bringing two families together. As this week’s report on British social attitudes revealed, there has been dramatic social change around family life in the past 20 years along with a broad acceptance that traditional family structures are being eroded.So many more children today are likely to experience divorce. While it is very difficult for everyone, staying together for the sake of the children is not necessarily the answer.

In my experience what really damages children is not the separation or the divorce, but whether or not marital conflict is affecting them. Conflict in the family has potentially devastating effects on the emotional wellbeing and mental equilibrium of children and although the impact of separation and divorce cannot be totally avoided it may offer a better outcome than a home riven with tension.

Often parents consult me about their child’s problems but fail to mention their unhappy marital situation. They are puzzled by the change in their child and don’t connect the marital tension or arguing between themselves with the difficulties they see in their child – they are in denial about the impact of their conflict. Tommy’s parents were staying together for the sake of their children, but living separate lives, with secret relationships, pretending to the children that everything was OK. Ten-year-old Tommy had been ill for months with stomach cramps and pains, refusing to eat or go to school and often being sent home when made to attend. He’d had numerous medical tests, all of which were negative.

During the meeting he talked openly about his parents’ marriage, saying that he couldn’t cope with the arguing and fear that one of them was about to leave. He knew he was being lied to and found this difficult to understand as he had been taught to be truthful. He wanted to be at home to know what was going on and he didn’t when he was at school. He said, sadly: “I just wish they would sort things out, one way or the other.”

Sometimes parents continue to maintain their relationship even when it’s full of hostility and anger, infidelity, or abuse and fear – “for the sake of the children”. While in some situations this can work, it is not always beneficial for children to live like this. If the break-up of a home environment resolves itself eventually into two new homes where mum and dad have new partners and there is a warm, loving atmosphere this may be better in the long run. Children are resilient and adaptable and although they will naturally go through a difficult period they do, on the whole, manage without there necessarily being too much emotional scarring. The most damaging part of divorce for children is when they become involved in the marital conflict, which unfortunately does happen.

Without realising the damage they are potentially creating, parents subject their children to highly charged emotional situations that are impossible for them to manage. They may argue violently in front of them, either verbally, physically, or both; they may undermine their child’s loyalty to the other parent, they may quiz them or ask them to spy on the other. One parent complaining about their spouse or referring to “your father” or “your mother” is very difficult for a child to manage.

Children develop different ways of coping with traumatic events and the feelings that they produce. They may suddenly begin to find concentrating in class hard, or revising for tests difficult, they may begin to bully other children, or be bullied. Some children are tuned in to vulnerability and can be very cruel to each other. This passing on of feelings doesn’t really work and often results in the child feeling awful inside, but without making the connection.

Sometimes children become sad at school. They may then lose playmates, making them more sad and maybe lonely. When children realise that they’re carrying secrets it is a tremendous burden and can result in the child switching off and disconnecting from his or her own feelings. Some don’t want to upset their parents further, so maintain an outwardly cheerful front, which may slip sometimes, often at school.

Separation, or divorce, is a long and stressful process involving a great deal of pain, deprivation and change. When both parents manage to talk to the children together about the separation and divorce without arguing it can help enormously for the children to understand that they still have their mummy and daddy who can come together as parents even if not as a couple in other respects. It also really helps the children when parents can meet occasionally for school activities. During the upheaval after the actual split, some children don’t seem to be affected while others seem to suffer hugely. Also, however much the children love their parents, they are angry with them, and with good reason. To quote one child: “OK, it wasn’t brilliant with them going at each other all the time, but how did they let it get that bad? Why didn’t they do something? They are supposed to be the grown-ups . . .” Angry feelings may come out at school and result either in the child suddenly hating school, or maybe becoming involved in difficult, delinquent or bullying behaviour. It may be directed inwards with self-recrimination and blame, ultimately affecting his or her selfconfidence. These angry feelings will gradually subside but it is important that the child can give expression to them.

No one should be surprised that the break-up of a relationship can have these devastating consequences for their children’s happiness and peace of mind.

If parents can remember that the mental wellbeing of their children is of far greater importance than their own anger, hurt and resentment, it may mitigate some of the more undesirable consequences that will inevitably follow for the kids – it may even help the parents to manage the trauma of a wrecked relationship in a calmer, more dignified and less damagingly toxic way for themselves. The author is a child and adolescent psychotherapist, and co-chair of the Child & Family, Tavistock Society of Psychotherapists Association of Child Pyschotherapists: www.acp.uk.net

Do’s and Don’ts

— Don’t argue in front of the children.

— Don’t blame or complain about each other to the children; if you want to rant about him/her, call a friend and do it when the kids aren’t around.

— Don’t confide in the children about yourself or your partner.

— Don’t undermine each other when talking to the children.

— Don’t vent your rage on the children. Try to maintain ordinary ground rules and boundaries.

— Do take notice of your children and be aware of how they are.

— Do ensure that your children have adults to confide in who know the situation - relations, grandparents, family friends etc.

— Do seek out professional help: relationship counsellors, mediation specialists for adults and child psychotherapists.

— It can be helpful for parents to talk to child psychotherapists about problems with the children, without offspring there.

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