A few weeks ago Jack made an appointment to see me with his wife Anne. They
wanted help with their little girl Molly, who had developed many worrying
and inexplicable symptoms: she wouldn’t let her mother out of her sight and
had become terrified of going to school despite being popular and bright.
On the day of the appointment the parents had a huge argument before coming
and Anne stormed out of the house, so Jack came alone with Molly, who was
clearly worried that “something dreadful was going to happen” but didn’t
know what.
I asked Molly to go to another room and draw me a picture of the family and
she did the normal type of kid’s drawing – a happy family scene of a day at
the seaside. It was clear from what her dad told me when she was in the
other room, that there was considerable tension and often lots of shouting
at home; the marriage was really in trouble.
Molly didn’t mention this at all and I suggested that her parents came back
together so that we could talk some more. Molly looked pale and drawn, and
said that she really hoped I would be able to help her family. After they
left I had another look at the drawing and found, hidden on the page
underneath, a picture of a family of rabbits, with two little rabbits hiding
in their burrow while the mummy and daddy rabbit were fighting with sticks.
Children, even very small children, absorb tension in the atmosphere and are
aware that something is wrong. They begin to worry and difficulties develop
that weren’t there before, or minor difficulties become exacerbated.
Children may not know exactly whatis wrong, but they know something
is.
They overhear conversations and telephone calls and they understand the sense,
if not the meaning, of what is said. Words can be whispered, spelt out in
letters: it doesn’t work. Children are like sponges who take in the “vibes”
and know that things are not right. It is obvious to children as well as
adults when two people have just stopped arguing after they walk in. And,
unlike adults, children tend to imagine the worst. A ten-year-old began
bedwetting thinking that Mummy had a terrible illness and was almost
relieved to discover that the impending disaster was the marriage breaking
up.
In my practice about 60 per cent of the work is with families who are
separating, divorcing or having difficulties in bringing two families
together. As this week’s report on British social attitudes revealed, there
has been dramatic social change around family life in the past 20 years
along with a broad acceptance that traditional family structures are being
eroded.So many more children today are likely to experience divorce. While
it is very difficult for everyone, staying together for the sake of the
children is not necessarily the answer.
In my experience what really damages children is not the separation or
the divorce, but whether or not marital conflict is affecting them. Conflict
in the family has potentially devastating effects on the emotional wellbeing
and mental equilibrium of children and although the impact of separation and
divorce cannot be totally avoided it may offer a better outcome than a home
riven with tension.
Often parents consult me about their child’s problems but fail to mention
their unhappy marital situation. They are puzzled by the change in their
child and don’t connect the marital tension or arguing between themselves
with the difficulties they see in their child – they are in denial about the
impact of their conflict. Tommy’s parents were staying together for the sake
of their children, but living separate lives, with secret relationships,
pretending to the children that everything was OK. Ten-year-old Tommy had
been ill for months with stomach cramps and pains, refusing to eat or go to
school and often being sent home when made to attend. He’d had numerous
medical tests, all of which were negative.
During the meeting he talked openly about his parents’ marriage, saying that
he couldn’t cope with the arguing and fear that one of them was about to
leave. He knew he was being lied to and found this difficult to understand
as he had been taught to be truthful. He wanted to be at home to know what
was going on and he didn’t when he was at school. He said, sadly: “I just
wish they would sort things out, one way or the other.”
Sometimes parents continue to maintain their relationship even when it’s full
of hostility and anger, infidelity, or abuse and fear – “for the sake of the
children”. While in some situations this can work, it is not always
beneficial for children to live like this. If the break-up of a home
environment resolves itself eventually into two new homes where mum and dad
have new partners and there is a warm, loving atmosphere this may be better
in the long run. Children are resilient and adaptable and although they will
naturally go through a difficult period they do, on the whole, manage
without there necessarily being too much emotional scarring. The most
damaging part of divorce for children is when they become involved in the
marital conflict, which unfortunately does happen.
Without realising the damage they are potentially creating, parents subject
their children to highly charged emotional situations that are impossible
for them to manage. They may argue violently in front of them, either
verbally, physically, or both; they may undermine their child’s loyalty to
the other parent, they may quiz them or ask them to spy on the other. One
parent complaining about their spouse or referring to “your father” or “your
mother” is very difficult for a child to manage.
Children develop different ways of coping with traumatic events and the
feelings that they produce. They may suddenly begin to find concentrating in
class hard, or revising for tests difficult, they may begin to bully other
children, or be bullied. Some children are tuned in to vulnerability and can
be very cruel to each other. This passing on of feelings doesn’t really work
and often results in the child feeling awful inside, but without making the
connection.
Sometimes children become sad at school. They may then lose playmates, making
them more sad and maybe lonely. When children realise that they’re carrying
secrets it is a tremendous burden and can result in the child switching off
and disconnecting from his or her own feelings. Some don’t want to upset
their parents further, so maintain an outwardly cheerful front, which may
slip sometimes, often at school.
Separation, or divorce, is a long and stressful process involving a great deal
of pain, deprivation and change. When both parents manage to talk to the
children together about the separation and divorce without arguing it can
help enormously for the children to understand that they still have their
mummy and daddy who can come together as parents even if not as a couple in
other respects. It also really helps the children when parents can meet
occasionally for school activities. During the upheaval after the actual
split, some children don’t seem to be affected while others seem to suffer
hugely. Also, however much the children love their parents, they are angry
with them, and with good reason. To quote one child: “OK, it wasn’t
brilliant with them going at each other all the time, but how did they let
it get that bad? Why didn’t they do something? They are supposed to be the
grown-ups . . .” Angry feelings may come out at school and result either in
the child suddenly hating school, or maybe becoming involved in difficult,
delinquent or bullying behaviour. It may be directed inwards with
self-recrimination and blame, ultimately affecting his or her
selfconfidence. These angry feelings will gradually subside but it is
important that the child can give expression to them.
No one should be surprised that the break-up of a relationship can have these
devastating consequences for their children’s happiness and peace of mind.
If parents can remember that the mental wellbeing of their children is of far
greater importance than their own anger, hurt and resentment, it may
mitigate some of the more undesirable consequences that will inevitably
follow for the kids – it may even help the parents to manage the trauma of a
wrecked relationship in a calmer, more dignified and less damagingly toxic
way for themselves. The author is a child and adolescent psychotherapist,
and co-chair of the Child & Family, Tavistock Society of
Psychotherapists Association of Child Pyschotherapists: www.acp.uk.net
Do’s and Don’ts
— Don’t argue in front of the children.
— Don’t blame or complain about each other to the children; if you want
to rant about him/her, call a friend and do it when the kids aren’t around.
— Don’t confide in the children about yourself or your partner.
— Don’t undermine each other when talking to the children.
— Don’t vent your rage on the children. Try to maintain ordinary ground
rules and boundaries.
— Do take notice of your children and be aware of how they are.
— Do ensure that your children have adults to confide in who know the
situation - relations, grandparents, family friends etc.
— Do seek out professional help: relationship counsellors, mediation
specialists for adults and child psychotherapists.
— It can be helpful for parents to talk to child psychotherapists about
problems with the children, without offspring there.
