Age will soon diminish any outer good looks you might have and unless you are very rich you will be very lonely. You have the emotional maturity of a toddler. Why is it all about you? Why don't you try looking at the world from a different angle and try to do something nice for someone else for a change instead of expecting everyone to make you the centre of their world. Start by trying to focus on your poor children and try to make their lives happy and secure and please don't have any more.

S Robertson, South East,

So dump her and find a new one. Duh.

Redcliffe, London,

I cannot agree more with the majority of the comments - you are a selfish man now married to a woman who thought nothing of having an affair with a man who's wife was pregnant. Why would she find a man attractive who was prepared to do that to his wife and future family? I guess you deserve each other. As the saying goes, however you change the players, the game's the same.
Take some responsibility for your situation, it's of your own doing.

Doreen Robertson, Knutsford, UK

Your present wife obviously prefers illicit sex with somebody else's husband, and you should have realised that when you first met her.
Take heart by thinking about your fist wife, the lovely woman that you let down so badly. She will have almost certainly met a wonderful man that fully appreciates all the love that she has to give.
You've got what you deserve - misery.

Caroline, Northampton, England

Doesn't he know that being 'in love' is simply a trick by nature to get us to procreate. It is just a stage in a relationship, an up market kind of lust. The ideal next stage, successful life with a partner only works when you feel the same deep seated, unassailable love that a parent feels for a child - something which endures even during the times when you don't like each other very much.

Sadly the 'in love' stage doesn't automatically lead to the 'love' stage, particularly if you make the mistake of acting on it before waiting until the lust has diminished and you know how you really feel. A bit of effort helps too.

Peter Ryder, Middlewich, UK

A lot of marriages are probably quite mediocre or become so - it's called complacency. The reader says "it wasn't just about the sex. J was good at her job..." If that was truly the case, there should be no problem now. All relationships evolve and change; the first (sex) stage peaked long ago and was never going to last forever. The relationship has now reached the final stage of its experiential life cycle. A sad story; the reader full of self-pity caused by self-indulgence. However, there is hope - he should think more about what he can give to the marriage/relationship rather than dwell on what he has, allegedly, had taken away from him.

Deborah Goodchild, London, UK

So you'll be 50 when your illicit -sex-enjoying wife is 42 . Maybe those thrilling financial rewards will be enough to keep her. Best of luck mate.

Jon, Southampton ,

He simply enjoyed the chase, has no respect for his wife and was selfish about his children.

Marie-Claire Oliver, Bath, United Kingdom

Ahh, poor you...

Why don't you just go and get yourself a new one?

Bear in mind though that she may well want love, marriage, children, commitment, etc. after the passionate sex in the cupboard. I know it's tedious but that's women for you.

(Sarcasm is the only appropriate form of wit in some cases)

Dave, Brimfield, UK

Maybe if people started taking marriage seriously and in ITS meaning there wouldnt be as much cheating as we have seen nowadays. And in addition, people would be happier and kids wouldnt suffer like all of the kids of parents going through divorce do. Marriage is about LOVE not about sex...Sex would be the result of the love shared by the couple...intimacy...that most couples forget about cause they have in their minds as priority everything else in their marriage BUT the love they have for each other. When you truly love someone, you respect, you adore, you want to protect that person from pain, from disappointments....and hurting her/him yourself is the last thing on this earth you would want to do...the guy that wrote this article is not alone....unfortunately. There are millions and millions of people in the same sad situation....too many excuses but just one reason....Marriage has been about a thousand things BUT the real reason why it was institueted....LOVE.

Sabrina Robertson, Elgin, Scotland

Life's simple, as is this. If you are not happy simply because of the sex, then move on if sex is that important to you. Then go and fill your boots. If you are unattractive and therefore have low self-confidence and are concerned you will not get much sex elsewhere, stay put, and accept being miserable for the remainder of your life.

Greg, South East,

Honestly the grass is always greener for some people. You have a great job, 2 kids you love - sound a lot luckier than some and yet still not satisfied.

Foolish man.

James, London,

I think the words, "selfish, ignorant and immature" sum it all up. My father behaved just like you - my absent father I mean. I learned from an early age that the most important thing in life is building relationships based upon trust and honesty. Having caused mayhem to all around you, you now say that you are full of fury - rather like Shakespeare's actor - "a poor player, who strusts upon the stage, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing"!

Peter Naylor, Birmingham, UK

Richc - venom from the ladies? Half the comments damning this man are from men! Which is hugely reassuring - thank you gentlemen! And I agree, I think Julie is having affair. Even if she's not, I think they both deserve each other - they sound just as manipulative and selfish as each other and are reaping the 'rewards' for their behaviour. God help the children.

R, London,

Have you ever wondered how SHE feels?
Do you ever tell her she's beautiful?
Do you ever look after the children so she can have time to herself?
Do you bring her surprise presents?
Have you let yourself go a bit?
Do you drink too much?
Has it ever occurred to you she might be depressed?
No - you're too busy thinking about yourself...

W, London,

Isn't it obvious? Julie is getting out nights. And to be honest I don't really blame her - I wouldn't want to live with a two dimensional husband either. Get over yourself. Yawn.

Roz, London, UK

yeah dude you gotta wise up. i can understand your dilemma (you are a man) but being as successfull as you are you must have the guts to make tough decisions - you gotta choose to continue being selfish or to make the sacrifices that count.

really it sounds like you should leave your second wife and go after other women. that you even have to write here suggests you want someone else to force you down the guilty path or set you free. its quite obvious you hope for the latter. so why prolong the agony.

or if your wife is liberal enough follow the advice of "victor compton" from france, they are the masters after all!

Peter, belfast, n. ireland

Men having mistresses is as old as marriage itself. Perhaps the relatively recent intolerance of infidelity is to blame for the soaring divorce rate and the rise in single parent families?

Could it even be possible to argue that affairs can actually be a means of maintaining a marriage rather than destroying it.

I say this as a man who has been through one marriage, but never had an affair. Perhaps if I had then my wife and I would still be together.

Anon, Derby, UK

Sounds to me like you need a serious dose of cop-on! Great bragging article though.

Dave L, Cork, Ireland

I hope both Susan and Julie have been sleeping with other men while they've been with you. They deserve to spend some time with ADULT males. Stop trying to brag and grow up - no one cares about your sex life

Sarah, London,

How trite is the 'its just the way a man is made' argument? The responses are worse than the orginal letter! I don't know many female friends who feel they are getting ENOUGH sex in happy (sometimes unhappy) monogomous relationships. its not true that women just want thrilling sex as a necessary ploy to procreation as some have responded. Experience has shown that it is men who can't dissasociate the mother and wife role a woman has with being a vamp. Anecodotes abound about women who get togged up in the full vamp 'do' to have mediocre and unfullfilling sex with a husband who prefers to ogle celebs or soft porn daily - when not seeing the sex starved wife quietly wringing her hands in frustration. Its hard to feel vampish when you're knackered but many women would gladly share more bedroom time with their man if he took some of the load from her - might be mediocre to him but nothing gets a woman in the mood like feeling appreciated.

Vic, London, UK

Time to grow up, fella. Marriage is a choice, not a spur-of-the-moment emotion. So is being happy, or miserable, or bored. Create the marriage you want, or stop whining.

Jonathan, Cleveland, OH, USA

Oh no, what a shame. And how unreasonable of wife no.2 to coerce him into marriage and children instead of giving him no-strings sex whenever he felt like it. This man's self-centred whining beggars belief. It's as if he never grew out of the toddler phase of 'I want, I want, I want'. Tough. Other people exist also, and they have needs and feelings every bit as important as yours. If you had any human feeling towards either of the women you have used so shamelessly, you would respect that.

Still, it's nice to know that karma is alive and well. Pity some people are incapable of learning their lessons though, self-awareness is an invaluable skill.

Sophie, Liverpool,

essentially, your question is simply about loss of sex drive after the initial excitement and a baby. all the rest of that background is entirely unnecessary and rather boastful. although the effect is to make you look like a complete jerk.

somehow, the idea of someone who behaves like this writing to a newspaper for advice doesn't ring true. however, if it has any basis in fact, it's your children and wives for whom I feel sorry. for you, I am afraid I can offer nothing beyond wrinkling up my nose. you deserve far worse.

jem, london, uk

The hysterical reaction from most of the commentators would suggest that confessions should still take place in the confessional and not in the public gaze on times online.

I would suggest that polygamy is the solution to the dilemma faced by the author and his two women. The three of them could reconcile and live happy ever after. And the children with have all their parents with them most of the time.

With one man and his two woman living under the same roof the sexual possibilities are huge. An added bonus is that there will always be a baby sitter around to take care of the children.

Who said there is no innovation in Africa?

Carl, Sandton, South Africa

I think that the author wants to be the baby and his fragile ego can't bear to be second to a child. Boo hoo!

Kellie, Crawley,

David Space:

"Why is the term "love rat" never applied to a woman"?

We use the word slag.

Jamie, Truro, Cornwall

Everyone is condemning this man, and perhaps rightly so, but the sad fact is he is not at all unusual and this is a very common fact of life in marriages. He is just honest enough to admit it and air it.

I used to chat with a lot of random married men online and I got to hear the real story. Even though they said they "loved" their wives, almost all of them complained of a sexless, blah marriage and were ready to cheat at the drop of a hat, and many of them already have. Of course I never got to hear the women's side of the story and ask her why it was that she wouldn't sleep with her husband anymore, whether it was just uninterest or unresolved resentment.

So I don't know if my online sample was representative of most marriages, but the more I hear, the more I believe it is. We might as well face the truth about marriage. It's often two people putting up a front of domestic bliss for their friends and family, with the cold war going on behind the scenes.

Claudia, Atlanta, USA

This story sounds so familiar! Ex husband is a colonel in the army and behaved in exactly the same way but at least he had the sense to have a vasectomy after our 2 children! Self centred people NEVER change and patterns repeat, his 2nd wife is also discovering this truth.Think carefully what you do next,at the moment your children are young but eventually they too will come to realise what kind of father they have. Don't be surprised when they turn around and refuse a relationship with you. Many people here have warned you that you risk a lonely old age if you can't change - they are not joking, what goes around comes around... :)

Tracey, East Sussex, UK

What she doesn't know won't hurt you ...

Freddie, London, UK

This guy thinks he's chocolate!

Get over yourself dude... it's NOT all about you!

Why not print this article out and show it to your kids when they grow up. I'm sure they'll be soooo proud of their old man.

Fast forward 25 years... If your son has an affair then he'll have something in common with you! And if your son-in-law cheats on your daughter she'll have something in common with her mother. Happy families all the way.

The Optimist, Newport, UK

I also married my mistress - 4 years ago and haven't looked back since. She is the best wife, friend and lover in the world. Life has never been so good, both in and out of the bedroom and while it's a tough decision to make, if you get the right vibes - just do it.

We tried to get married the same day as receiving the decree absolute, but unfortunately that part of the fun didn't work out.

Nevertheless if any guys (or girls) get the same feelings - I recommend it every time

Peter, Istanbul, Turkey

Serves you right. You brought in on yourself.

Julia Iskandar, London, England

Julie! I wish we could hear from you, sounds like you could do so much better. I hope Susan is now in a happy relationship with an adult male who actually notices that she is a human being.

Toast, London,

Tell me about your mother...

Josh, London,

Wow. I can't believe anyone would admit to treating people so badly, and then complain that they don't have exactly what they want. Pathetic.

Rich, London,

It's bad enough that you're so pathetic you've broken up one family because you wanted to have your cake and eat it, but what I find utterly reprehensible is that you've the brassneck to moan about it! You are going to end up a lonely old man and it's nobody's fault but your own. Would you like someone to treat your daughter the way you have treated these poor women? I hope "Julie" realises who you are and leaves you for someone who deserves her.

Jen, York,

Why not just have another affair!

James, London,

Well there you go ,same old ,same old. Mistress becomes the wife and the ex wife moves on.
Keep it in your trousers you seem to do most of your thinking from there!

Barbara, County Durham, United Kingdom

Sorry mate, you have been fooled. This Julie baby got you alright from the begining. The last blow came with you telling her about Ricky. Mindblowing sex, excitement by shiploads, and eventually she got what she really wanted: your seed and your money. Pity your first never knew waht was coming, because at the end of the day it was a fight between two women for their "impregnator".

Emilio, Madrid, Spain

I'm a mistress, and love every minute of it. I was once married and have vowed never to do it again. I love my life and yes, I only have relationships with married men. The excitement, passion and down right naughtyness of what we're doing makes every minute together, FANTASTIC! I don't ask and NEVER would ask for my partner to leave his wife, good god I don't want what she has, not full time anyway. I think affairs keep a mundane marriage together. As for you all going on at this poor man about his children, no one should doubt just how much he loves them both, who are we to question him. He may well do more for both of his children that he loves and adores than many of you reading this article! I know that if I were to get into a full time relationship I couldn't be faithful. I think it's very rare for someoen to get everything they want in one person. The only mistake he made was thinking that the grass was greener, he should have ralised it was just as hard to mow!

Sarah, North West,

Oh dear! You're hooked on excitement. Unless you grow up , you are in danger of repeating your same old patterns, only to end up alone. The person you love the most is you -seek therapy!

Merle, Weymouth, UK

The author of this letter is so completely pathetically self-centred. He says that he was never faithful to his wife. He talks only about what he gets from his relationships and nothing about what he puts into them. I'm not surprised his wife was so angry and made his life difficult. He sounds like a spoilt little boy. as for having a vamp who turned into a wife, welcome to the real world. Real relationships do change, and require effort, compromise and respect. I wonder how his second wife feels - maybe he's become dull too. Or maybe she's too tired because she's having rampant sex with someone else.....

Rita, Haslemere,

The only mediocre part of your marriages is - you!
You need to grow up a bit and stop seeing women as an endless sexual playground. You don't even mention the well-being of your children, you probably think that if they have enough money everything will be ok. You don't mention how your divorce might impact on a small child, not just now, but also in the future.
I'm trying to imagine the conversation "I left your mum because she got pregnant and boring, to be honest, I didn't even think about you".
You say "I feel so short changed" - why? No one owes you anything. And the people you owe - your wife and children - you would leave again in a second for a bit of excitement elsewhere.
Grow up!

Sally R., London, UK

Welcome to the real world.

Obviously a guy who believed the 'sex is everywhere' hype pushed out by the media! Have you seen the schedules of cable TV after 11pm in the UK? Wow. It's everywhere - everyone's getting porn-sex...

John , London,

this guy is an incredibly selfish person
i am almost speechless - what about responsibilities?

Daniel K888, Melbourne , Australia

I honestly thought this article was some sort of wind-up....feeling sorry for yourself...'only sex twice a week'!! HA. Live in the real world dude - and rein in that huge but fragile ego. Honestly...it's an old cliche...but there are children starving in the world.

Headley, Oxfordshire,

Your trying to hold on to the thrill which is impossible and unhealthy you sound like an addict .You should remember these feelings you had with Julie in the first place and put the work in to make your relationship closer. You feel isolated because of the loss of meaningful communication.Being honest with each other is paramount,as much with Julie as yourself.Regaining a thrilling sex life is possible taking time out of your daily routines like you use to,meet up to have fun.Get a baby sitter go away for a weekend meet in the hotel bar pretend you are strangers.Introduce sex toys to your sex life role play etc you have options.Be aware you need to be realistic thou on what real life really is,nothing is easy or impossible.

Mark, Horsham, West Sussex

I have lived in France for many years now and several maxims about love affairs exist which most French follow religiously.
(for both sexes)

Never confess that you have cheated.
Never marry your mistress.

(and for women) Never divorce just because you find that your husband has a mistress. Better to take a lover yourself.

and personally, I have found in life that almost any woman will want sex constantly, if it is with a new and attractive man each night. We are all Bonobos at heart and our species began valuing eating, playing, sleeping, and everyone having sex with everyone else constantly above all other occupations. Incidently, the Bonobos are a female dominated society with little violence among the males. Each time a fight seems likely the nearest Bonobo females rush to the scene and offer the two angry males sex instead. Works every time!

victor compton, Cherbourg, France

Any woman should beware of a man who dedicates his life to the pursuit of money above all else. Such a man may be financially sound but is morally, emotionally and spiritually bankrupt, a hollow vessel. This is why a gold-digger attitude in a woman is ultimately bound to result in relationship failure and unhappiness. Any plutocratic man (essentially as much a gold-digger as the women who pursue him) desires filthy lucre more than he desires love and satisfying relationships. And also, girls, as you know, such men are under great pressure to yield to the advances of women intoxicated by their wealth. So, girls, it's really best to avoid the rich, driven, obsessive, workaholic kind of man if you really want to have any chance of a fulfilling, happy and lifelong relationship.

Tom, Greenwich, CTq, USA

It is no coincidence that your first wife’s pregnancy coincided with the start of your affair. At the time when most couples dig deep within their emotional resources to embrace and accommodate the experience of sharing the joy of their first child, you were drawn away by powerful emotions. These were fear of dependency and intimacy on one hand which pushed you in one direction and a powerful pull of a sexual adventure in the other. Your emotional compass faltered at a crucial time in your life. You had the opportunity to experience deep emotions and the culmination of a truly wonderful sexual union but couldn’t. So what is going on here? You have what psychologists describe as narcissistic traits – your lack of empathy, extreme self centeredness and inability to experience pleasure and satisfaction from the everyday joy of being within a secure and loving relationship points to this.

Joan Ransley, Ilkley, UK

A typical case of 'wanting to have your cake and eat it'.

This guy confesses to 'never having been faithful to his first wife'. And we're expected to sympathise with him? Do me a favour!

The rot set in way back, when he discovered that 'being unfaithful' had no disadvantages. He did it, in other words, because he could, and he saw no come-back. From there he progressed, if you can call it that, and having sex in a grimy alley was more exciting than the marital bed. And so a pattern was created.

I feel sorry for the children.

Margaret Stoll, Rochford, Essex, England

Maybe he should have tried what i have done - tell the wife!

I'm in a relationship with a work colleage and whilst the sex is not as rampant as the author's, it still is fantastic when we do meet up.

I'm totally honest with my wife about where/when i'm going to see my friend and everyone is happy.

Stan, London, England

I think that the author needs to realise that its often the case that when you marry and the children start arriving, the womans priorities change, focus drifts from the husband. Ultimately he feels left out and unloved. Get a grip and do something about it - and I don't mean leave her! Start making her feel the woman she wants to be.

Andrew, London,

In two mediocre marriages you are the common denominator.

Jake, Dumfries,

A little of what you fancy does you good!!! too much leaves a chronic digestive problem. the Author should consider the notion that our sex organs were only put their to ease the frustrations of not having a worthwhile hobby.

brendan Buffini, maidstone, England

At the end of the day this is all about sex ... whether we like it or not a man needs a lot more of it than a woman and monogamous marriages are always going to be under strain in this area.
The solution is of course simple which is why the worlds oldest profession is the worlds oldest profession. Unfortunately the current trend is towards ever stricter controls and criminalisation which is why this chap and hundreds of thousands of others like him will continue to wreak emotional havoc in their pursuit of sex outside their marriage .

andy James, lyon, france

Marrying the mistress creates a job opportunity.

MARK KLEIN, M.D., OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA

Sorry to say that I don't have much sympathy for the author. He walked out on what sounded like a pretty decent marriage that he obviously wasn't ready for, and now he's got his just deserts.

Steve, San Jose ,

Although it's hard, I'll try not to be judgemental and instead offer some advice.

Fact 1 - when God gave out sexual desire, he gave 80% of it to men, so lot of us are in marriages where we want more sex than our wives do.

Fact 2 - most of us recognise that, despite fact 1, what really makes us happy is our children and the rest of our relationships with our wives.

Now, experiment has shown me that I'm far more likely to have sex with my wife when we're on holiday, when I take her out on a date, when I make the kids breakfast at the weekend etc. So go on, pamper her a bit , treat her as a person and see if it helps.

Then, separate the physiological desire to have sex from the psychological desire to have the excitement of affairs. You don't say if you continue to be unfaithful, but, honestly, if you limit your infidelity to the internet and a box of Kleenex, you will do less damage to your marriage.

All is not lost - even if you are 50, you can still grow up.

Tom, London, UK

Affairs are affairs for a reason. They are wrong, they are exciting, they are passionate because every moment is snatched and you could get caught at any time. They also end. Real life is real life. Affairs can only be conducted by people who are good at lying and deceit - because ultimately that's what they are all about. Rarely do affairs become solid long term relationships. I once told a friend who was having an affair and looking for support - "go ahead but be prepared to lose everything you have now" It's also about a lack of maturity.

Andrea Fletcher, Tauranga, New Zealand

Just a few days ago in the Times a man spoke about his pain at his wife's infidelity. He was told by the female relationship expert that he should take half the blame himself.

Now a man admits to cheating and he gets a series of abuse that no woman ever has to suffer.

Personally I think his behaviour is disgraceful. But why is it excused when a woman does it and condemned when a man does? "Why is the term "love rat" never applied to a woman"?

David Space, London, UK

Grow up.

Rachel Oliver, Tunbridge Wells, UK

Maybe she has time for anything but you because she sees you as a self-centred, sex-obsessed male suffering a mid-life crisis of some description, and concerned that his philandering will no longer be an option?

Perhaps the fact that your relationship is based upon betrayal leaves her to wonder whether she should invest the whole of herself into you in case you do to her, what you did with her?

Maybe it's time to grow up and realise that relationships are more than sex, and you get out of them what you are prepared to put in. If that only amounts to one thing, then maybe you had better get used to it.

Tim, Berkshire, UK

To Patricia, Greenwich

Utter rubbish !!!(wanted to use stronger language there).

I am a woman and much like she describes men to be.

People have different needs and different ways of expressing love and feeling loved, of making emotional connections. Sex seems to get shortchanged as a means - and those of us to whom it its vitally important sneered at as "immature" and made to feel that there is something wrong with us. (been there done that - thankfully I now know that I am how I am, and am happy).

Friendship and shared goals are all very well - but think about it - in a relationship having other friends and family members is usually all very well - it's sex outside the relationship that's most often seen as the dealbeaker...

kay, london,

Whilst I accept everything that has been said I do think in a way we should feel sorry for him. It seems to me that he probably doesn't like himself at all or indeed what he has been doing. He is conforming to type as the respectable accountant but seeks thrills beneath it none of which ultimately match his expectations and never will.The story itself shouts all this out but for some reason he seems incapable of realising this or at least he doesn't want to.It is like the search for the elixir of life - it just doesnt exist.

Rupert, London,

You have to work at marriage every minute of everyday. If you have a mediocre marriage it is your fault. Marriage is hard work but worth every effort you can give. The arrival of children definitely has an effect on your love life but this soon passes as the kids move into there own beds and don't wake up every hour. Talk to your wife. Make her happiness your top priority and I assure you your marriage will thrive and you will be getting the best sex of your life.

Don't let yourself be persuaded to stray from your wife. Everyone has opportunities to stray. Only weak men do it. Don't be weak!

Also, don't listen to 30 yr old single men talking about their conquests. They are probably going home most nights to their hand. The best sex you will ever have is with your loving wife not a quick lay bimbo. I have many single friends and I assure you I have more sex than any of them with my loving wife of 20 years.

Leo, Denver, USA / CO

Agreed with Sarah in London - maybe Julie's found herself a new lover to get a break from the the domestic drudgery and dreary routine. And of course her husband could hardly object...pure karma:-)

Rose Qishta, Salwa, Kuwait

Dump the new wife and get another mistress and marry her. Then, in 3 years time write back to Times Online with your marital problems.

Well honestly, you couldn't make it up.

John Hockey, Brighton, UK

To most people this would sound like a very average marriage.
You have to ask yourself why you are so attracted to the illicit..
It won't belong before you cheat again unless you understand this......then you'll be back after a couple of years asking why you made another bad choice.

Westerner, Gloucester,

He should have been aware of the saying "the grass on the other side of the fence may look greener, but it will still want mowing".
The lifespan of the average affair is 2 yrs - after that it becomes a more mature and stable, and less hormone led relationship -or it fizzles out and those involved return to their less "exciting " former partners, if they have them to go back to.
Hopefully, he will adjust to what he has - or he willl be at risk of repeating the whole sorry process again, with another deserted wife and child. . Real life is largely "ordinary" - we enjoy hilltops but have to live most of the time in the valleys - which with the right attitude is the best place to be .
Anyone on the verge of leaving a relationship for similar reasons - fast forward 2 yrs. Are you sure it is worth it?

stella tidman, chelmsford, essex

Your best chance of resolving things comes from the fact that you've recognised: "I'm back where I started, in a mediocre marriage." in other words, you've done it again. The communication between you and both your wives has failed, probably for the same reasons.

Opening up constructive communication between you and Julie will be essential, and I would recommend a book called 'Getting the Love You Want' by Harville Hendrix. It's a self-help book, but the Imago approach described is also taught by a number of therapists in the UK who can reinforce the book's messages.

You and Julie need to start hearing each other again, sharing your feelings and understanding each other's point of view. The Imago approach teaches people to do those things constructively without the destructive interactions of criticism, shaming and guilt that prevent so many of us learning from our mistakes.

Steve Ingham, Winchester,

Er - grow up?

Mary, London,

Boo-hoo, poor baby...

J Graham, Glasgow,

to be a father is a gift, to have great sex a necessity, what is wrong is to get married! you should have learned that women are interested in having children when they want to, not in meeting their husbands' expectations or desires.
so don't feel pathetic because you have a mediocre marriage : marriage is mediocre in itself.

Pierre, Paris, France

Three words: SERVES YOU RIGHT.

Sarah Siam, London,

I can partly understand where you're coming from - my relationship started off full of passion, and that madness that goes together with the crazy stomach-flipping smiles from your other half. Almost every time we met, we fell into each others arms, we couldn't take our hands off each other. 5 years on and in the last year, we've slept together 9 times. It's so frustrating at times, I feel like cheating, but I couldn't bear to hurt her. I get so angry though. We don't live together but we see each other almost every day during the week. She makes time for her friends but we hardly ever get a night for just us; if we do manage a meal, she'll hardly ever stay over (she lives with her parents). Maybe it's because we're women??!

S, London,

Susan is the one who deserves whatever in the form of money or care and attention you have to offer. Julie helped to break up that marriage, so she has no rights over you, except that all the adults involved, including the authorities, will have to decide on arrangements for support of her child.

I think you need to tackle the boredom that's at the root of this. How about a pilgrimage to Jerusalem this Easter, and no abandoning it if the political situation deteriorates?

Malcolm McLean, Bradford, UK

Sex twice a week, with a busy job and children. What are you complaining about?! You are doing really well. Having said that, I have to agree with what others have written. You come across as a selfish adult but thank God you at least have the moral fiber to care for your children.

Erin, Newcastle,

He is a pathetic cliche, whose story is sadly mirrored up and down the country and he has fallen for the oldest 'sucker punch' in the world. He remains as selfish and egocentric as before and has clearly learnt nothing from the damage he has done to his son and his daughter by his second marriage to the predatory woman who also deserves all she has got! Perhaps you should have spent some time spicing up the sex life you had with your first wife, who knows she might have turned out to be much more exciting and adventurous than the woman who trapped you with the bait of illicit sex. You are a sad scumbag.

sharon, London,

Very easy, like so many you just got married too young, I don't think any young man is sensible enough for the seriousness of marriage until he is 30. Get all the wildness out of your system before you consider marriage.

David Vinter, Louth, Lincs., UK.

Lets get this traight; you agreed to have a child with your first wife, having had numerous affairs, and then two weeks after she became pregnant you promptly went and had another. After lying to your wife about how long the affair went on, you were blackmailed into having another child. And after all this, sex is the top of your worry list! It seems that sex is what has caused most of your problems in the first place; maybe cutting down would be the best thing to do.

John, WIgan,

well mate, you had your cake and enjoyed eating it - now you're paying the bill. You and Julie deserve each other and as always it's the children you have to feel sorry for.

deborah horsfall, newcastle upon tyne,

Having another affair would be the solution (albeit selfish) to only having sex a desultory once or twice a week. But playing that game again is likely to put you back in the “jail” of a mediocre marriage.

Instead of begging attention from your wife, start giving it. Not as a knee-trembler in a rain-soaked alleyway. Julie is now the mother of your child, not the vamp who was the reason for you living a lie for those two years.

The fury and hate you sometimes feel towards your wife is negative energy, which is transmitted – women are very good at picking up vibes, so this can’t be helping much in the way of you getting the increased attention you desire.

It sounds as if your wife is exhausted with work, looking after the home, your daughter plus you. Stop sapping her energy, and start giving it, by bestowing selfless acts of appreciation upon the “beautiful, passionate woman”.

Who knows, love and appreciation may reach the parts that your pathetic begging behaviour does not.

Tony Hirving, London,

Is he back where he's started in a mediocre marriage? Or is he back to normal life? I think this male reader is incredibly ungrateful. To have had not one, but two women not only marry, buy make the comittement to have a family with him is great fortune indeed. I think he needs to stop looking at what's apparently lacking (sex in stationary cupboards) and what actually exists. He talks about finding the financial rewards of his job 'thrilling' which would seem to sum up how he thinks the rest of his life should be. Time to sit down and sort out what life is really about - love and family.

Nicola, London, London

I agree with "Paper". You need a mistress to bring the spring back into your step. You will of course get found out and think what pleasure that will bring to Susan!

Angus Palmer, Godalming, Surrey

Have you been unfaithful to Julie? If not, what made you decide to stay faithful? Could it be that the longing for 24/7 sex has been replaced by a more mellow desire to be a family man? Does that scare you? I think you're missing what was rather than resenting what is.

Alis, Richmond, Surrey, England

lots of venom there ladies, I have a lot of respect for the man, and think Patricia of Greenwich has made about the only fair comment. It is a pìty that women react this way to a man being honest about his feelings. He has said he loves his children, he is only seeking what we all hope for, a life less ordinary. Why must the passion go in a marriage, long relationship

richc, alicante,

That was my guess Sarah! Plagiarism is a bad thing.

nix, Wirral, England

I have no advice for this monumentally selfish man; just advice to anyone involved in extra-marital affairs: ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES !

Barbara, Worksop, Notts

You've made your bed, you'd better lie in it...

From reading this, it's fairly clear that this gentleman has pretty much no spine and no decency or respect and can't be trusted for toffee. It's all been about what he can get out of sex or a relationship.

It starts with "I've never been faithful to Susan" - there is no regret for betraying a trust with the person you are supposed to love most. the mind boggles at the self centeredness of this person.

To be honest, I'm really pleased he's unhappy. I celebrate the fact that his selfishness, callousness and down-right dispicable nature has lead him into a sad, hum-drum life that he resents so much.

There is one bright side to all this though - if he has anymore children through illisit affairs, the miantenance will drain him dry. I relish that thought :-)

Raymon, London,

You are, unfortunately, living proof that some men do only think with a certain part of their bodies, and I don't mean anywhere north of the belly button.

What made you marry your first wife if you couldn't stay faithful to her? That in itself is quite despicable.

Rather than work on a potentially long-lasting and satisfying intimate relationship with Susan, you opted to go with your young, unnappeasable sexual appetite. Want want want, now now now.Now you moan that your new wife isn't willing to establish something similar!

Have you ever considered there may be a concrete reason behind your new wife's lack of interest in you? A new male colleague perhaps?
What goes around comes around.

You are indeed a pathetic and selfish little man.

Helen, Exeter,

now she just shrugs and says “Oh, I know it's me. I should give you more attention”,

I think Julie is deliberately punishing you.
-For cheating on Susan, because now that she is your wife she better understands what it must have been like for Susan.
-For lying to her in the beginning of your relationship.
-For having to blackmail you into marrying and having a child together.
-For not loving her but only craving sex and attention. (indeed grow up)
If you really love a woman she will do anything for you.

You both need therapy for all the above and to learn what marriage is really about.
Maybe then another child will not have to grow up in a broken home.

angelface , barcelona, Spain

You are everything that is wrong in the world. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Jackie, London,

My guess is she's having an affair with someone else.

Sarah, London,

I bet Julie is now having an affair with this blokes best mate. He doesn't kow. HE DOESN'T KNOW!!!

nix, Wirral, England

Your marriage doesn't sound mediocre to me, just very very normal. That heady feeling that you get at the beginning of a relationship, particularly one that is illicit, can't and shouldn't last. It should mature into something deeper and stronger and more lasting. And that's the whole point, maturity. It's something that you seem to be lacking.

Think of your children, your wives, ex and current, and grow up!
A London UK

Alex, Worthing,

grow up would be my advice

it strikes me you are an overpaid immature plonker (did want to put something stronger there)

I think many a married couple would think once or twice a week is quite an active sex life

take some responsibility for your actions it is not all down to Julie

Robert, Nuneaton,

>>But I look at this beautiful, passionate woman who has caused me as much pain as pleasure and I don't know her. <<

It's all about you, isn't it? Who has caused YOU so much pain? Can you ever even begin to imagine the pain you caused Susan?

Gobsmacked, London,

The writer is not really looking for a relationship; he is merely thrill seeking. It says a lot for his self awareness that he is angry and blames the woman (or women) he married for his dissatisfaction. He should perhaps have stuck to affairs and committment free sex rather than trying to embark upon marriage or family life. How is it that someone his age can still be so immature?

Isadora, London,

This was a very honest account from this man. Yes he's not perfect, but at least he's not making excuses for his behaviour. I have been on the receiving end of such a man. We're human. We make mistakes. It's not worth being bitter and punish the man forever. I just hope he can now build on the mess he's created - not least for the two women he's used in his quest for run and excitement, but for his two children.

Helen, Solihull, UK

I would guess from the story that the writer is incapable of feeling real love - so when the initial passion/excitement of his relationships lessens (as it does in most relationships) it does not develop into a deeper, lasting, caring partnership as would normally happen. I suspect Julie is aware of this and, if he doesn't first leave her in his search for the non-existent , will leave him when the child is a bit older and find someone who doesn't have a personality disorder to share her life with.

K.J, Glasgow,

I'm male and I find your behaviour absolutely appalling. And what beggars belief is that after all the hurt you've caused, you still have the nerve to come here looking for sympathy for your situation. You are an absolute disgrace, and one day even your children will see you for what you are. And then you'll have nothing.

Nick, London,

Oh dear how women trap men and men are so penis led that they fall for it. This has been the model since kingdom come think Jane Austen the first page of Mansfield Park, think Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, think Sarkozy and Carla Bruni !!!!!!!

It would be easy to blame the man , but women must take some responsibility too. This man sounds hard and immature and the second wife sounds selfish. It begs the question , what sort of child will they be bringing up.

Pam Andrews, Weybridge, Surrey

My first words to this reader are 'grow up' but it seems that this man is incapable of growing up, mistaking the thrills of sex and deceipt for a relationship. I'd advise him to seek a therapist who specialises in sex addiction and start realising that he is unable to treat women as equals, partners, persons in their own right and responsible for the consequences of his actions. Until then he will not make progress. Does he really think he's some sex god? I suspect despite the bravura he has no self-esteem.

His first marriage was not mediocre - he is!

Marianne, Richmond, Surrey

I had hoped to be first to the soap box this morning, so moved was I to comment, but those that beat me to it have said it all already. Except I'll take it one step further. I blame your parents; principally your mother - how on earth did you grow up with such a pitifully skewed grasp on the way to conduct normal adult relationships, let alone exhibit such a breathtaking lack of respect for the opposite sex?

Still, it seems you're now learning what real life is about. I only hope, for the sake of your poor children, that you DO learn, and don't just perpetuate the cycle. You seem to have gleaned your knowledge of women through soft porn magazines - perhaps its time to find something more adult to read. In the meantime, how about you stop begging for attention like a second, petulant child and commence being a proper man. You might just find she fancies you again.

Lynne Barrett-Lee, Cardiff,

What a vile man. He positively rejoices in the - for him - tantalising details of his affair. I think it's merely a shame his repugnant vamp - a knowing accomplice to the infidelity - hasn't embedded her teeth into him and sucked him dry of blood.

Laura Roberts, London, UK

I feel sorry for Julie and Susan to have got involved with such a self centered low down rat. You have all you deserve but I hope that you manage not to let the two children, that you don't deserve suffer in any way.

Lis, Splisby, Lincs

He is an accountant after all. No clue what's going on in the real life and wanting to make it balance. Well, life doesn't work that way as he found out the hard way. The way he created.

He writes "we had a lovely home and great socal life and everything jogged along quite easily." Any idea how many people would give their left arm to be in that situation?

But no, he's a closet adrenalin-junkie (possibly counteracting the accountant part of his life) and admits that he's never been faithful.

He clearly was not interested in the women, just in the sex or easy life they could offer him. If he was interested in them as intelligent people he would have known that no woman stays a vamp.

I cannot feel anything other than disdain for the man. And if I were Julie I would start building a life apart from him. This is someone who doesn't want to grow up or take responsibility and will do this again. Both hey, both were home wreckers and deserve each other in the end.

Laura, London,

Sounds to me like you've got your just desserts! You've gone through life pleasing yourself with no thought to others' feelings - having affairs left and right, siring children when you didn't even want them - and generally behaving in a totally selfish and narcissistic way. Your first wife is happy because I suspect she knows she's a lot better off without you, your children were at least wanted by their mothers and you feel starved of affection. Poor little you! No doubt you'll go and have another affair just to feel better about yourself.

Melissa Kane, Hoboken, NJ

This is completely and totally normal. Sorry to have to say that, but the truth is, sex will never be as important in the long run for a woman as it is for a man, Sex may be exciting and interesting for a woman in the beginning because of, A) the newness and B) the promise that it might lead to something wonderful, ie. a warm happy (and ultimately sexless) family life.

Don't be deceived by the ravenous, nymphomaniacal woman you meet who says , "I don't want a commitment, I don't want children, I just want wonderful sex." Women are made that way, Unless she's married to someone else and absoutely not able to get out of it, she'll soon want a commitment from you. It's the nature of sex. Women don't care much about it , for itself. Men care very much about it, for itself . The situation creates inequities and quite a bit of unpleasantness.

Men fantasize about on thing sex. Women fantasize about lots of things; like shoes, curtains and cobb salads. How's that ever going to work?

patricia, greenwich,, Connecticut, USA

Of course it has! Once Children enter your lives, everything changes.
The saying "marrying your mistress, just creates a vacancy" would seem to be the case for you.

Or, and it's just a thought. You could grow up? Be a good Father to your Children and a good Husband to your wife.

But, I suspect not.

But I do admire your honesty, even if it does come across as wingeing.

Viv, London, England

Guess you'll just have to get out there and do it all again...

Be interesting to see if Julie enjoys being the cheated-on wife, might stir her into action!

Paper, Adealide, Australia