Modern parenting lore has it that if you are kind and loving to children, if
you listen and explain and give them time, all will be well. We are all
psychologically attuned these days and communication is the key.
But what if you pour all this love into a child and meet only resistance? This
is the experience of a significant number of parents who adopt traumatised
children, though only recently have they begun to publicly express their
hurt, bewilderment and sense of failure. It is estimated that a third of
adoptions don't succeed, and as a parent who has experienced this crippling
sense of loss, Melanie Allen hopes that by telling her story in a book, The
Trouble with Alex, she can alert professional carers to the need to give
more support to damaged children who are adopted. Their needs are not always
understood, she believes, and if you have adopted such a child and then
realise that no amount of care and love can heal them, you need expert
support too.
Melanie and her husband Rob are professional people who live in a quiet
English suburban street. They decided to adopt when they were unable to
conceive a second baby and, when asked if they would consider a
special-needs child, they happily ticked all the boxes. Their first meeting
with Alex, then 5, was a delight. She was adorable, angelic and
affectionate, and immediately called them Mummy and Daddy.
“She was perfect,” Melanie recalls. “Though on the second day we told her that
she couldn't do something and I remember the unsettling look she gave us.
She didn't shout and scream. She took hold of my hand and wouldn't let it go
and I thought, ‘God, that's strong'. It didn't quite feel normal.”
To protect Alex's identity, Melanie is using pseudonyms and it is for this
reason that she speaks slowly and with care. As they soon discovered, Alex
had phenomenal charm. With their friends and family she was utterly
engaging, yet at home she was remote, mechanical and disruptive without ever
displaying anger. No matter how loving Melanie and Rob were towards her,
slowly they recognised that they were getting nothing back. Day after day
she stared, tapped, shuffled, and she shadowed Melanie from the moment she
woke to the moment she went to sleep. She couldn't dress herself or
distinguish colours. Initially, on professional advice, the family put her
problems down to learning difficulties and it took Melanie about a year to
rumble that Alex was much brighter than she admitted. Watching her set the
table one day she realised that she was deliberately misplacing cutlery.
Something was wrong, but because Alex never spoke of what she was thinking,
it was impossible to know what it was.
“If she had wiped poo over the walls, we'd know what we were dealing with,”
she told a friend. “With Alex we haven't a clue.”
It was some years before Melanie found a reference to attachment disorder, and
realised that this explained Alex's behaviour. If a child's early life is
dominated by fear, she becomes unable to trust another person, and if she
can't attach she can't love, or be loved. Instead her behaviour revolves
around a regime of control: by controlling her environment and the people
around her she feels safe; by seeking attention in social situations she is
controlling them too. It is a survival mechanism and the more Melanie learnt
about Alex's early life, the more this made sense.
Alex's mother, who had grown up in care, was an alcoholic and drug addict.
When Alex was 18 months old her mother was found unconscious in a flat that
stank of decaying food, soiled nappies, damp and rot-infested towels. Alex
was underweight, malnourished and lying in her own faeces. Yet after some
time in hospital and with a foster carer, she was returned to her mother,
who then had a new boyfriend. Unknown to social services he was
schizophrenic and regularly responded to the voices that he heard by beating
Alex. In her first three years she knew only neglect and abuse.
“This is why she sought negative attention,” says Melanie. “Because she was
angry she wanted to make us angry. She was on her guard all the time. The
staring was making sure she was in control all the time, safe. And the child
who can bounce from one adult to another, flinging herself into a new set of
arms, displays a classic sign of a child who can't attach. Yet the more time
we spent with her the more she was worth fighting for.”
The Allens fought, seeking help from social services and psychologists. They
believe Alex saw the country's leading child experts yet invariably their
daughter was calm and composed when she met professionals, and invariably
the Allens were told either that there was no problem, or that the
difficulties lay with them. Even when Alex admitted to Melanie that her
behaviour was controlled by a voice inside her head, professionals refused
to accept that Alex was capable of being manipulative.
“She couldn't shout and scream like other children, she couldn't get her anger
out because she had a voice in her head that said everything was secret, no
one was allowed to know,” says Melanie. “I'm sure she'd learnt at a young
age that shouting was futile and the punishment meted out was horrendous.
Her secrecy was very powerful and when the professionals she met at 3
decided that her inability to communicate was down to learning difficulties
she had found a way of getting attention without having to communicate. It
was a way of manipulating that was much more powerful than screaming and
shouting. It's not a malicious way, she's not evil and when she has behaved
badly, I don't think she has any control. She knows what is right and what
is wrong but she doesn't feel it, she has no sense of conscience, and I
think that's because the first thing she learnt in her life was anger.”
It was five years before the Allens told social services that they could no
longer cope. By this time their marriage had fallen apart and Melanie,
exhausted, desperate with guilt that she had let Alex down, had been
prescribed antidepressants.
Alex was placed with a foster carer who found herself as frustrated as the
Allens had been by the child's disturbing behaviour. Yet only when she
caused emergencies did social services intervene. She now lives in a unit
for disturbed children where, at 15, her charisma is intact, but she remains
remote. Melanie continues to believe that Alex has a serious mental health
disorder, but she has yet to be treated for it.
“The system can't cope, there's not enough money to help children unless
they're playing up and she always presents beautifully to professionals.
This unit isn't going to press her buttons because it doesn't expect her to
fit into a family. So she's left alone and she feels safe. She's a loner
there, the only child who doesn't want a mobile phone. If she was ever to
admit to anyone that she was bright her story would fall apart.”
Alex will stay in the unit until she is 18; after that Melanie has no
expectations. “I see her going from relationship to relationship, never
happy. She's very adept at being what people want her to be but I don't
think she will ever want to rely on people. My best wish for her is that she
can charm her way through life detached and in control. The reality is that
that won't happen.
“Until you've lived with a child who is terrified of attaching you can't grasp
that sometimes you can't mend them. The medical profession needs more
awareness of the complexity of attachment disorder.”
The Trouble with Alex, by Melanie Allen, Simon & Schuster, £12.99
In principle, parenting by birth or choice should have not difference. Frankly, emotional or mental health disability makes no difference. As parent of a birth son w/ Schizophrenia, and adoptive parent of a son recovered AD, with FAS, PDD(nos), and Bipolar, the painful decisions are universal.
BJ, Ellettsville, IN, USA
We came very close to disruption in early days. Living with a seriously mentally ill, self destructive, violent child is beyond normalcy. I can say the same of my now adult b-son with schizophrenia. The child has to choose to reach for and accept help. Parents cannot force them to choose love.
Name withheld, Ellettsville, IN, USA
Another adoptive parent here facing these same problems with our 17 yr old daughter, who daily rips our family apart due to attachment disorder issues. She has a diagnosed mental disorder and some substance abuse problems, all treatable. The AD, though? It destroys all in its path.
Martha, Indianapolis, USA
I have attachment disorder from a mother with a nervous breakdown in my early years. On the surface I am engaging, educated and capable. However, when it comes to emotional commitment, I must remain aloof. No shared houses, no 'I love you too', no being a god parent. To accept is to be vulnerable.
Amelia, UK,
No, you wouldn't know what you were dealing with if she wiped poo over the walls. Believe me. And I speak of a biological adolescent child and that is the least of our struggles. No way out and no "giving him back:".
Shelby, Alabama,
A third of adoptions don't work out, the author says. I wonder what percentage of BIOLOGICAL children situations don't "work out"?
Related - while these children may be difficult, I find it hard to believe these cases NEVER involve bad parenting.
To echo - how common are biological children w/AD?
Annie, Cambridge, MA, USA
Hey. Am curious about a statistic in the article. What is the source of the statistic behind this statement: "It is estimated that a third of adoptions don't succeed...."? Can the writer (Penny Wark) let me know? Thanks.
Josey Puliyenthuruthel John, New Delhi, India
Attachment disorder is a complex issue. With respect to Tom, you have to go to the core. look at lifespanintegration.com Peggy Pace's work with a birth protocol/ timeline that 'reparents'. A number of therapists, including myself, have started using this - it's still difficult, but there's hope
Sandy Browning, Ilkley, UK
This reflects the general lack of support to adoptive parents from social services in the UK which is enevitably the result of lack of resources. Have sympathy for foster parents of disturbed children who do not adopt because they recognise support will disappear as soon as the papers are signed
Bridget, Mäel-Carhaix, France
Sad. situation not uncommon . We have adopted 8 yes 8 children, and find you can adopt a child but can not adopt the
genes., I am disgusted lack of diagnosis/ prognosis this is 2008. not 1908. See FASawareUK on the webb. Gells with
childs history. Also teaching webb Special education bc Canada.
bill, stockport, cheshire
No doubt raising a damaged child is very difficult, whether your own or someone else’s. But I wonder whether the same adoptive parents who hand back their adopted children in despair, would do the same thing if their own biological child had the same problems, especially if it were an only child?
Kate Winspur, Melbourne, Australia
Can love alone address the childs fears? If parents feigned a conflict in front of the child, but instead of it escalating to the abusive outcome the child believes is inevitable, the result is positive resolution with apologies, compensation, and affection, the bad script may be rewritten.
Tom Cowap, Dublin, Ireland
I wonder; If they are from 'problem' families does adoption work even if it is from birth and totally anonymous? Just how strong are genetic factors?
Eric Skelton, Cardiff, Wales
We immediately form a false self which will do whatever, say whatever it takes to survive. As much as we crave that unconditional love that is denied, we test all subsequent relationships by the standard of "unconditional" and therein lies the rub. We crave emotional support and honesty.
Clay Ferguson, brownsville, texas, USA
This article hit a very raw nerve for me. My adopted children are now back in the care system after 11 years with us. We are heartbroken at this outcome. Those commentators making critical remarks have no idea of the efforts adopted families go to try and access help for their children.
Caroline, Salisbury,
I adopted 4 brothers 14 years ago., when they were 12, 8, 4 &2. The 4 y/o never bonded, never knew right from wrong. He is 18 and has no identity. He simply mirrors anyone that will befriend him. I cant get him help, since he tells the therapist whatever he thinks they want to hear.
Nan, Yonkers, USA
I have rather the opposite problem of the people in this article. My adopted daughter is overly clingy and tells me that she loves me 100 times per day and asks me if I love her 100 times per day too. This after I have her nearly 5 years. She has ADHD too. Adoption is not for the faint of heart.
tropicflite, Orlando, USA
It's not just attachment disorder. My brother is adopted and has serious mental health issues with manic depression and the treatment we, as a family, have received is nothing short of appalling. Doesn't matter how many times we ask for help we can't get it from anywhere.
Alylonna, wales,
A sad story for all involved. A shame that Alex and adoptive family not have appropriate therapy to try to build attachment. A very good book on this is 'Building the bonds of attachment - awakening love in deeply troubled children' by Daniel A Hughes - a text book but written in narrative form
Neil, Oakham, U.K
This poor child has suffered untold hurt from being badly treated by her biological family. Her adopters should have gone into the possible results of this before they adopted her. Now the child has to cope with a double rejection, from which she probably won't ever recover.
SJ - Bulgaria
Sandy James, Pungovsti, Bulgaira
I'm adopted. So is my brother. We are a close knit, happy family unit and my mother is my best friend. At 35, I live close to them and they love their Grandchildren who love them back dearly. Its not all dreadful and wounded and scarred emotions - I'm fine thanks ever so much.
Susan Healey, Oxford, UK
I doubt the Allens would've ever been able to help Alex after such severe abuse. Although I was adopted at only 4 months, I very much relate to Alex's coping mechanisms. Even now, I keep a close, tight circle. I wonder to what degree someone with AD passes it on in the parenting their own children.
Laura, Montville, USA
I am the mother of an adopted 5 yr old girl & this story rings true for our family. We did find a lot of relief in neuro or bio feedback.
Our daughter is still with us and as her therapist says she will always have an emotional limp. There are adjustments that can be achieved in the brain.
pat, chicago, usa
This sounds a lot like borderline personality disorder, or a varient of it. DBT skills training can be useful in some situations, but not all unfortunetly. And it takes a long time to undo all of the damange that has been done.
Aaron, New York, USA
We're lucky to have a center in our community that deals with extreme cases of attachment disorder, with high success rates. Interestingly enough, many of the children are relatively well adjusted, but they don't have the skills to cope with disfunctional parents. Intermountain Childrens Home.
bob, Helena, MT, USA
Google "Primal Wound" and you will understand.
Clay Ferguson, brownsville, texas, USA
My husband and I are foster parents of three lovely children. We live with the ADD every day. At best its difficult to see a child (or three in our case) that you want to love so badly and in our own way we do love, not know how to accpet what we so feely offer.
Lyda, Cincinnati, US
My wif and myself adopted a severly hurt 5 yr old, he was gone before we met him, we just did not know it. This article was very similar to other "special needs adoptions" we have seen. Very shocking if you have never lived through it. if you might adopt be sure to ASK FOR HELP, dont do it alone.
Steve, salem, us
I'm adopted, and since I was adopted at birth I wasn't abused. However, I can relate to your problems, and I understand why you did what you did. My issues stemmed from an adopted mother who was not available to me emotionally. Thankfully my Dad was. Sadly, social services is not always much help.
Nancie, Halifax, Canada
While I accept Emma and Coco's points, I'm not sure unless you've lived with someone with this or a personality disorder you can understand it can push you to the point of not wanting to live yourself. Sometimes it's not giving up. It's accepting it can't be made right and that's actually harder.
Rachel, Wales,
Walk a mile before you judge. AD comes in many forms. We live with daily physical/verbal attacks from our adopted children whom we love dearly. We hope for healing but know fearful kids do scary things and love isn't always enough to heal. Criticism is cheap. Offers of help/babysitting are welcome!!
catahoula, Toronto, Canada
Do you not find it interesting to read the comments of the people with no experience of AD or adopted children speaking of a Melanie as a bad mother; and the people with experiences in this area being very understanding of the Allen family's situation?
Elizabeth, Edinburgh,
Adopted mothers, adopted problem kids, 18 year olds that have dropped out of Uni-
yep, it's bad-
but not as bad as the places they've come from.
This is the real deal- unfortunatly.
Ask some adopted kids- for once, what they think about the plans everyone else is makes for them.
Jez W, Leeds,
My ex had a similar childhood to Alex ...booze, anger, abuse... He is unable to trust. He fell in love with me only to accuse me all the time of infidelity while he was cheating on me with multiple women. He has never been able to trust the love he finds or to treat his partners with honor. Sad.
J Eod, los angeles, usa
"He followed a similar pattern of charm, steadfast will and manipulation"
From Alex in Montreal.
I am not being facetious, but isn't the paradox that these are qualities helpful to a successful life and probably essential for someone obliged in very formative years to bring themselves up.
Frank H, London,
I am an adopted kid who turned out just fine and I have several cousins who are really just fine even with past abuse before their adoption. Why do some children form this disorder and why do others like myself and cousins turn out okay? What about this disorder in non-adopted children?
Phillip, Bloomington,
Everyone shows affection in different ways. It's like putting a Ford engine into a Toyota. Taking a child from one relationship into another doesn't always work out.
Joshua, chicago, usa
I have to say, this really hits home for my wife and I. we have 2 adopted children and have went through the exact same issues you have described in this article. Life with them is exhausting at times and we live in the US!
We maybe worlds apart but the troubles with adoption is just the same.
Rick Rutledge, Salinas, California, USA
Being an adopted child I have to say that this article holds a lot of truth. I was never this bad but I never really learned trust and have a lot of issues with it. I can see how a more abused child might have this exact issue.
Heidi, butler, pa
It's of no surprise that a lifetime of involvement with exclusively defective adults has left this child with serious abandonment psychosis. Expressivity and empathy can be re-learned by even the most damaged of minds, if given time. Melanie should seek counseling for herself.
Jolian, Blue Lake CA, US
Most of you have no idea how tragic AD is. Of our adopted/ birth children -one, 18, has RAD, due to early neglect. We stuck it out, love her despite it. Behaviour badly affected rest of family.Would not engage with therapist. Now left home, left uni, won't contact us. We are recovering,she can't.
Cathy, Liverpool,
I'm from a family of 3 kids, 2 adopted. My brother (now 40) is still troubled. He followed a similar pattern of charm, steadfast will and manipulation. The family was almost pulled apart.
The social workers failed to recognise, acknowledge or accept the problem. Their answer was "bad parenting"
Alex, Montreal, Canada
My mother was adopted. This article has helped me immensely in understanding the most difficult relationship I have with her, as her eldest child. Thank you.
Name Withheld, Oxford , UK
I dont see how anyone can say what they would do until they have lived with a very unattached , traumatised child.
I am an adoptive parent - and its hard, very very hard. I love my child, but daily life is a struggle , and the resources and understandingare not there to help these children.
v, Edinburgh, scotland
Some children develop such difficulties that require placement in a theraputic unit. Inevitably, some parents will be pushed to the extent that the Local Authority are involved and the child placed outside the famiy. Why should we hold adopters to a higher standard than "natural" parents?
R, Leicester, UK
This is scare-mongering. Attachment disorders are treatable and often curable. All adoptive parents today are briefed on how to spot and resolve them.
Also, where does this figure of 1 in 3 adoptions failing come from? The writer's mind?
It would be nice to see an informed piece on adoption..
Katharine, London,
To Coco and Emma;
Well said.
Look at their book as a hundred thousand word exoneration of their actions.
It's the same as a person who's initiated a split with their partner- justifying it to strangers, with no way of hearing the other side of the story.
Let's hope the girl makes it ok.
Jez W, Leeds,
What characterises an adoption 'not succeeding' - does this mean that the child is put into the care of social services? I would like to know your source for the claim that a third of adoptions do not succeed. Unverified generalisations discourage adoption - which many children desperately need.
M, London,
Are we supposed to feel sorry for them? When you adopt a child that child is yours you can't just hand them back no matter how troubled you claim they are. All the Allen's have taught their daughter is that she was right not to trust them or anybody - well done
Emma, manchester,
I am a bit disturbed by this article. I thought that adoption was permanent. Did Melanie also put her other child in care because she couldn't cope anymore? Just because Alex's problems came from before she was adopted doesn't mean she should be palmed off like a troublesome puppy, surely.
Coco, London,