Do not allow children to mix drinks,” said the US comed-ian Steve Allen. “It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.” This, of course, is a funny joke. Any scenario that involves the unpretty pairing of kids and alcohol invokes a nervous titter among parents because a drunk child represents a parental and societal failure. And it just looks sad - like a dog walking on its hind legs.

But help is here. The Government, fresh from telling adults how to drink with its “Know Your Limits” campaign, is upping the ante. This time they will tell adults how to tell their children how to drink. Sir Liam Donaldson, the Chief Medical Officer, is to produce guidelines advising parents at what age their children should be allowed to have alcohol at home and how often.

Some sources have suggested that he will recommend an advisory age limit of 12 (children over 5 can currently be given alcohol in a private setting) and a sliding scale, with increasing amounts of alcohol suggested at different ages. It is thought that he may encourage households to adopt a continental-style attitude to alcohol, giving children “a half- glass of wine at a meal” to erode its forbidden fruit currency. The idea is to tackle the growing problem of under-age binge drinking and there isn't a person in the land who would argue with that.

But you do wonder whether the sort of parent who lets his 13-year-old drink a 2l bottle of Woodpecker cider and smoke 20 fags before they even go out for the evening would take a blind bit of notice of goverment “guidelines” (which will be advisory, not legally binding) or whether he'd be too drunk himself to read.

And the types who would take notice will, funnily enough, probably have worked out that giving a child a Harvey Wallbanger at age 6 isn't terrifically sensible, but that a mouthful of Cab Sav at 12 won't do them any harm and that this is another case of the Government stating the bleeding obvious to the wrong people.

Whether the Government will ever address the more glaring issue of why ten-year-olds feel the need to get off their faces, we can only wait and see. In the meantime, can we recommend our own tough-love approach to putting children off alcohol for life:

Put copious amounts of hard liquor on the table at every meal and trill: “Come on, drink up. It's good for you! No one's leaving the table until it's all gone.” Soon, they'll be begging for broccoli.

Force them to inhale a full ten-second blast of their father's hangover breath the morning after a night out.

Place a picture of Johnny Vegas on the drinks cabinet and repeatedly say, without irony, what a positive model he is for the beautifying effects of alcohol.

Put the Delia Smith “we need a twelfth man out here” ramble on a continuous loop on YouTube.

Sneak them into the staff association disco to witness middle-aged men dancing to Livin' La Vida Loca.

If you catch them drinking whisky, do what they did in the Fifties and make them drink the whole bottle until they vomit. It may not work, but it will give them a story to bore people with for the rest of their lives.

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