Emma Cook
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Not only is it OK for Martha to adore her daddy, it is a crucial phase in her emotional development. Nonetheless, it can be a little bruising for a mother's ego when Daddy is so high up on that pedestal, nothing can knock him from first place. Or as Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, a parenting expert and author of Raising and Praising Girls, puts it: “Fathers become gods to their daughters in a way that mothers never become goddesses.”
So the correct demeanour when Martha drives home, yet again, how low your popularity has sunk is cool and neutral, accompanied by the words: “That's absolutely fine, darling. It's important to love more than one person. We will always love you however you feel about each of us.” Hartley-Brewer agrees: “It's a natural stage all girls pass through; it's part of moving across, so they are freed up from their reliance on mother as a key carer.”
Recognise that Martha isn't using the word “love” in the same way that you would. “Don't attach too much meaning to it,” says Hartley-Brewer. “Children are very immediate and they are expressing the feeling that is most powerful to them at that moment. Maybe they've had a nice day or a nice week with Daddy and it's the feeling they're filled with at that time.”
Remind yourself that it's normal for a child at this age to display favouritism. But why? Dr Avi Shmueli, a therapist at the Anna Freud Centre of child and adolescent therapy, explains: “At this stage a child is exploring where she stands in terms of her parents. It is the theme of exclusion and inclusion that Freud referred to in his theory of the Oedipus Complex. It's all about the triad - the triangle between the parents and child - and the struggle for the child of feeling left out that learning extends right into adulthood.”
It is the same for boys and girls, although there is a key difference, says Hartley-Brewer. “Girls can go on loving their fathers for ever. Yet boys will move away from their mothers, usually around the age of 8.” The allure, she says, is their power. “It comes down to the father figure as ultimate protector.” Still, loving Daddy so devotedly means that he is first choice when she demands that someone dress her or take her to the loo in a crowded restaurant, and then wipe her bottom, if he's lucky. Such is the price of adoration.
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