It comes as no surprise that Barack Obama is taking precious time off from the
crucial final days of his presidential campaign to visit the grandmother he
calls “Toot” (from Tutu the Hawaiian word for grandparent). Wouldn't any of
us do the same? Specially for a grandmother who had done as much for us as
Madelyn Dunham did for her grandson.
She and her husband helped to raise Barack in Hawaii from his birth until he
left for college. At the Democratic Convention he expressed his gratitude:
“She poured everything she had into me.” Obama's mother died in 1995, so for
the past 13 years his grandmother has been the only maternal figure in his
life. Now she is 85 and unwell. No wonder he is dropping everything to be
with her.
He recognises the special relationship between grandmothers and their
grandchildren - the two-way unconditional love that starts in babyhood and
continues, for the lucky ones, into adult life. Grandfathers as well as
grandmothers are usually held in affection, but the special bond between a
strong-minded matriarch and her grandchild seems to be unique in its
strength. There are, perhaps, three main reasons for this: first,
grandmothers love to give their nurturing instinct free rein again long
after their children have ceased to need it. Secondly, grandchildren provide
them with a welcome second chance - a chance to get right the things they
inevitably got wrong first time round. I have heard more than one woman say,
of her own mother: “She really wasn't up to much as a mother, but she is a
fantastic grandmother.”
The third essential quality of grandmothers is the wisdom that can come only
with age. Viewing life with the perspective of experience, they are free of
the anxiety that preys on parents, and children, sensing this, often find it
easier to confide in grandma. She, for her part, is able to reassure them
when they come to her with their problems, whether it is a case of
playground bullying, sibling rivalry, or just “Mum's being horrible”.
The bond is at its strongest when grandmothers are as closely involved with
their grandchild's upbringing as Obama's was.
Bertrand Russell, who was also brought up by his grandmother, both parents
having died by the time he was 4, wrote, ‘My grandmother was the most
important person to me throughout my childhood...As I have grown older, I
have realised more and more the importance she had in moulding my outlook on
life.” And he wasn't standing for election.
Grandparents feel a strong, instinctive desire to hand on traditional values
to a new generation. Obama has written that his grandma taught him things
such as “accountability and self-
reliance. Love of country. Working hard without making excuses. Treating your
neighbour as you'd like to be treated.”
But what about the new generation of grandparents? How can they spend enough
time with their grandchildren to have a real influence? We are, after all,
younger and fitter than grannies of earlier generations, many of us carry on
working into our seventies, and those of us who retire, having worked
full-time, long to travel, to pass the A level, paint the picture or write
the novel we never had time for, or simply to rest. But it seems that we are
needed as never before. It's true that the grandmother has played the
matriarchal role since time began, but previously, she had fewer ways to
wield her power - she was not needed at home. Since the 1970s the number of
grandparents providing childcare on a regular basis has jumped from 33 to 82
per cent, and nearly half of all children under 12 are looked after by a
grandparent at least once a month.
The parents of our grandchildren, usually both working full-time, need us as
never before. And it looks as if we will be available for some time to come:
there are now 52,000 more pensioners than there are children under 16
(according to the Office for National Statistics, 2008) and life expectancy
has increased to the point where the number of centenarians has risen
ninety-fold over the past century. There is also every hope that advances in
medical science will ensure that many octogenarians if not the centenarians
will be physically fit.
So grandparents are certainly available. Whether they are willing is another
matter. A rather unscientific poll among my contemporaries says yes, yes,
yes. Communication between the generations is far more relaxed than it was
in the “children-should-be-seen-and-not heard” days of my childhood, and the
more often we see our grandchildren, the better we get to know them and the
closer and more rewarding the bond that develops between us. If we play our
cards right (literally - Madelyn Dunham used to be a fanatical bridge
player), we might be nurturing a little prime minister to be. But don't
count on it. Bertrand Russell's grandmother was training him for that role
and all she got was one of the greatest philosophers Britain has produced.
The ambitious grandmother may realise her dream of changing her little
darling's future political or academic prospects, but her attitude may not
endear her to her daughter or, particularly, daughter-in-law. She and her
opposite, the doting, over-possessive granny, may end up competing for the
title Granny from Hell. Most of today's grandmothers know better than to
break the golden rule, “Don't Interfere”, but a few are either deliberately
or unconsciously manipulative. Those who try to impose their own ideas can
cause serious friction, which rubs off on the children, causing unhappiness
all round. Those who try to divert their grandchildren's affection away from
their parents towards themselves are positively evil.
So grandmothers, beware! Curb your enthusiasm, and make sure your love for
your grandchildren is never jealous, but celebratory and inclusive.
The Good Granny Companion, by Jane Fearnley-Whittingstall, £12.99,
published by Short Books. Contact Jane at: goodgranny.com
Grandma, we love you
Philip Norman: Biographer
“One of my grandmothers was quite disreputable. She sold seaside rock on the
esplanade at Ryde in the Isle of Wight. She was like Blanche Dubois in A
Streetcar Named Desire in the way that she used to manipulate members of the
male sex without ever having to admit them to any stage of intimacy. Every
morning she would find someone to pull up the sash window on her kiosk, and
every evening she would find someone to pull it down. She didn't teach me
any morals - she was amoral. I absolutely idolised her and absorbed all her
bad habits.”
Virginia Ironside: Agony aunt
“I knew my paternal grandmother as Tanna and what she gave me was a sense of
fun. She was a terrific entertainer; when we used to go to the seaside she
would take us to the funfair every night. When I got older she would take me
to see Joyce Grenfell, The Crazy Gang and Flanders & Swann - she was an
actress manqué who was always singing old music-hall songs and I was devoted
to her. She was the person I loved, really, and I felt closer to her than to
my parents almost. She was terribly patient with me, more so than my
parents. And she was always on my side. I don't recall her ever taking
against me. I got pure love from her, and I don't know what I would have
done without her.
Nicholas Soames: MP
“My grandmother was the most elegant and indeed beautiful woman that I have
ever seen. She was always immaculately turned out and she had impossibly
high standards, which she carried into every part of her life. She was the
most delightful grandmother in that she was always pleased to see her
grandchildren and I have the happiest memories of tea with her at Chartwell
and visits to her in the morning in her bedroom, where she would be reading
The Times, sitting bolt upright in bed, wearing white gloves. I cannot tell
you at what age I realised it, but she was a truly remarkable and
exceptional woman of considerable moral courage and great distinction,
without whom my grandfather, I think, would never have been the man he was.”
Valerie Grove: Biographer
“‘Nana does not like to see me in jeans'. I find this line in my ‘Girl' diary
for the year I was 9. How I had longed for those jeans; I remember my dismay
at her reaction. She'd probably say the same today, as she dressed always in
longish skirts, her hair in an Edwardian bun. But every Sunday, my diary is crammed
with joyful adventures: spending the day at her house, and in her garden,
meant total freedom. My sister and I could do anything, without constraint -
dress up, create fantasies, stage fights, pick all her gooseberries, make
scent out of rose petals, make dreadful messes, eat as many chocolate
biscuits as we liked, read the enthralling problem page of Woman's Own,
bring our friends, paint pictures, which she always thought brilliant. We
were confident of her total benign approval, which summed up grandmotherhood
to me.”
Boris Johnson: Mayor of London
“My granny, who was a farmer's wife, had a general view on agriculture and
animal husbandry: and that was sheep are either alive or dead.”
Liz Fraser: Parenting expert
“Granny raised her four children very successfully simply by being there for
them and dedicating a huge chunk of her life to them. She has taught me the
importance of giving kids enough time, and that's what I think is so lacking
in our society today: time for each other, and time to be together as a
family. ‘There seems to be a belief these days', she told me, ‘that if you
put your children into enough classes and courses and get them all the
grades, achievements and skills, that will in some way make up for your
absence and give them the ticket to a good life. The best thing you can do for
your child is be there with them, at home'.”
Liz Fraser's next book, Spoonful of Sugar: Old-fashioned Wisdom for
Modern-day Mothers, is based on conversations over a year with her
85-year-old grandmother and is published next year.
Petra Ecclestone: Designer and daughter of Bernie
“Whenever I go back to Croatia, I adore spending time with my granny.
She makes me feel like a little girl again. She is a strong, hardworking
woman who has inspired me to begin my own working life at a young age and
create my own independence. She gives me feedback on my fashion collection -
and has an amazingly good eye for detail.”
