Dear Tanya

Our three sons are successful, young, professional men. The eldest announced his engagement last year and then our middle son announced his four months later.

My husband and I were so pleased for them. Yet our eldest son and his fiancée felt that son number two should have waited; instead he was taking the limelight from them. I simply could not understand this way of thinking, and spoke to my eldest son's partner, asking her to be thrilled for our middle son and his fiancée. She could not understand my viewpoint and told me that her close friends also thought it was selfish and thoughtless, and she felt unable to offer her congratulations to them.

At the wedding of our first son, girl number two became very upset. I feel it is likely that remarks were made or overheard. By the time of our second son's wedding, our eldest son felt deeply hurt because the offer of him being the best man was rescinded, and throughout the day he and his wife were excluded on several counts.

Our youngest son has tried to bring his brothers together, but he feels let down by their behaviour. I fear that this will be the catalyst that pushes him abroad.

We do not have daughters and I don't understand them. Is it too much to ask that everyone can rejoice at the happiness that each other has found? Neither of our eldest two sons will discuss this openly with us. I feel that both boys do want to improve their relationship because our eldest son wrote to his brother to explain how he felt, but the reply left him devastated. Please advise.

Clare

I am writing this on a train as I travel to the funeral of Doreen, the wonderful mother of a good friend. The day brings back memories of my dear father's funeral almost four years ago. Such is the emotional impact after the loss of a parent, it feels as though you are being hit repeatedly by a demolition ball, seemingly out of nowhere. But days like today also reveal the fundamental importance of family - relationships that can so easily be taken for granted.

I suspect you know where I am going with this and no doubt many reading this are thinking this might be rather unfair - after all, every person's pain is relative. I do feel, however, that an injection of perspective needs to be administered here - particularly with regard to these squabbling girls who, it seems, have come into a happy playroom, stamping their feet and throwing the toys around, shouting “that's mine”.

I have so much sympathy for you. You say that having sons means that you don't understand the behaviour of these women. Well, as a daughter, and the mother of a daughter, let me tell you - we are not all the same.

Some of us grow out of childhood fantasies built around the weddings we see in Disney films, when the prince marries his beautiful bride as the entire nation stands breathless and captivated by only them. By this I don't mean that a grown woman who wants a magical wedding is immature - the immaturity is evident in the selfish regression to an egocentric child who has yet to learn that others have emotional needs even if they are the centre of attention.

For some women (and perhaps some men), a wedding is a long-held fantasy that starts in childhood and is nurtured and developed over time. It is still, at its core, one of the greatest life moments in which dressing up and being centre stage are combined. I suspect the initial problem was that daughter-in-law number one (DIL1) felt that the uniqueness of her impending marriage was diluted by the news of the impending nuptials of DIL2. The spotlight now had to be shared.

I can understand why DIL1 would have felt that way and she is entitled to do so. She should have discussed her feelings with her fiancé and, perhaps, her girlfriends and left it at that. The problem was that she failed to keep those feelings in check. The situation spiralled out of control and dragged both women back to age four, with both of them fighting over the prettiest princess wedding dress in the dressing-up box.

Adult reflection and a few deep breaths flew out of the window and the tantrums began. Your poor boys - what could they do? They had to join this tug-of-war and support their respective partners.

I can really feel your sense of powerlessness, and I respect your reluctance to wade into the situation. However - taking our little girl/princess bride/dressing-up box fantasy further - my instinct is that if the little ones can't sort it out for themselves, then as the adult you will have to step in decisively to resolve the spat.

You have a right to express both your frustration and disappointment and also to insist that everyone grows up and moves on. You (and your husband) have worked too hard building this family to stand by and watch the situation escalate and cause deeper and deeper divisions. Given that it affects you directly, you absolutely have the right to say how you feel.

Clearly, tact and diplomacy will be needed to deal with such raw hostilities, but actually you can achieve this by being clear and assertive. In order to do this, I suggest that you plan the event in advance and, if necessary, make notes of what you want to say.

To begin with, call both parties and invite them to meet you and your husband; you must insist that they do. From there, I would begin by telling everyone the story of your family - how hard you have worked to build it and how much all the relationships mean to you. To show some emotion would be no bad thing. Following on, I think you need to spell out how you see the current situation and how it pains you to see so much unhappiness. I suggest that you remain non-judgmental throughout; neither should you apportion blame because what has happened has happened and, to some degree, it is understandable why feelings on all sides were hurt.

By this stage you might need a stiff drink, but I suggest that you then broach the subject of how you can all find a way to move forward. This includes asking the children (no irony intended) to think about what they believe would make a difference. What we are looking for is a recognition of each others' feelings (empathy), an ability to see their own in context (perspective), a sense of ownership of their role in creating and maintaining bad feelings (taking responsibility for one's behaviour) and a need to make amends (apologise).

The children should then be congratulated on their mature behaviour, given treats and, for a while, provided with structured and supervised playdates in order to nurture their more harmonious relationships!

On a serious note, this may not succeed in the first instance and you will need to keep trying, calmly and assertively. While you are waiting for the parties to come together, I suggest that you enjoy the company of your sons and DILs separately, if necessary, and refuse to discuss grievances outside the process proposed.

If this doesn't happen, eventually time will heal - although I hope for your sake that this happens sooner rather than later.

If you have a family problem, e-mail Dr Tanya Byron at drtanyabyron@thetimes.co.uk

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