Those dog-eared dusty old boxes - Monopoly, Pictionary, Cluedo, Risk, Sorry,
Boggle - always promise so much. Bound up in the paraphernalia of each game,
the familiar clutter and the endearingly pedantic rules, there is the
enduring fantasy of family harmony, humour and bonding. Even if that's
exactly what it is - fantasy.
In reality, boardgames can be cut-throat, tense, competitive arenas where we
are constantly surprised by our loved ones' unpredictable behaviour. Where
did meek old Aunty Rose get that dog-eat-dog competitive glint in her eyes?
Why is Dad giving Mum dagger looks as she stacks up hotels on Mayfair? Ah
yes, we suddenly remember through a haze of Christmas port, this is what
family games are really all about.
Maybe that's why we like them. It's one of the few occasions that we can
behave outrageously and blame it on a game.
Personally, it happens within five minutes of playing Trivial Pursuit, when my
husband, and team partner, shouts out yet another answer without consulting
me, only to get it wrong. “I can do brown questions, you idiot - why didn't
you ask me?” I seethe at him across the board, only half-joking.
What is it about these games that makes us behave so differently, that can
provoke and push us within minutes of taking part? Jill Bellinson, a
psychotherapist and the author of Children's Use of Boardgames in
Psychotherapy, believes that it is the structure of boardgames; they offer a
safe haven where we feel comfortable expressing the less palatable aspects
of our personalities - anger, aggression, competitiveness.
A secure space for strong emotions
“It's not a time to be collaborative, even if you are playing in teams.
Boardgames can stir up competitive feelings but they're also a secure space
for those emotions,” Bellinson says. Which is why they're such an invaluable
tool in her therapy. She has spent hundreds of hours playing boardgames with
children, gaining valuable psychological insights. “They are a window into
what children are experiencing; their feelings about control, rules,
structure, success, power can all play out in a boardgame.”
As they can with family groups, too. “It always surprises me when I play any
boardgame with my father,” says Lydia, 37, a mother of three. “The level of
expectation is ridiculous. Whenever I team up with him in Pictionary, he
becomes really aggressive if I can't guess his drawings. He gets more and
more irate with me and says, ‘I can't believe you can't guess it from that.
What's wrong with you?' I laugh it off but I'm always quite shocked at how
intense he is.”
Lydia is similarly perplexed by her partner's behaviour. “It really brings out
the competitive streak in Ben; he unleashes a completely different side.
He's incredibly tenacious and isn't happy until he wins, which isn't really
like him in other areas of his life.”
What can surprise us is the intense desire of those around us to win; to take
the game more seriously than it merits. That competitive instinct can seem
out of character, agrees Dr Barry Cripps, a sports psychologist who has
researched competitiveness, in particular our attitudes towards winning and
losing. “I have even been surprised by my three daughters' levels of
competitiveness when we used to play boardgames,” admits Dr Cripps, who is
keen to stress that we shouldn't view such naked ambition as a negative
trait. “If it can come to the fore in this situation, it is a good thing.
It's about facing up and confronting our competitive spirit and enjoying
it.”
What can create conflict is if we're not used to experiencing these emotions
or coping with them in others; that's when tempers can fray.
Richard Woolfson, a child psychologist, agrees. “Usually families don't
compete with one another in this way. It's not something you would encourage
in everyday life, is it? Come on - you should try and beat your sister.' So
when we're in a competitive situation we may not have the coping skills
required because we are simply not used to it.”
Unless families are resilient and confident enough to cope with the concept of
winning and losing, says Woolfson, traditional boardgames can be too
stressful.
“We're talking about zero-sum games, where there can only be one winner and
one loser, which means that you could have someone who's very happy and
someone who's very miserable by the end of it.” A harsh reality, maybe, but
a crucial one. This is one reason why boardgames are so beneficial for a
child's psychological and emotional development.
“Being able to tolerate rules, learning not to get too upset, coping with
frustration, facing someone who you know is playing better than you; all
these are big developmental issues that children have to face outside the
game as well as in it,” says Bellinson. She also believes that how children
aged 3 to 5 react during simple games involving luck, such as Snakes and
Ladders, can tell you a lot about personality and the traits that will shape
them as an adult. “Some will slide down a snake and say, 'Well, there's a
ladder around the corner', and others find it more difficult to bounce back
and will take it as a sign of their own inadequacy. How they respond will
last through their lifespan.”
As parents we're only too aware of our children's sensitivity to losing; when
we play group boardgames, one of the challenges is being able to embrace all
playing levels without making younger - or much older - members feel left
behind or upset. “Children can learn a great deal if the adult plays as best
as he or she can allowing the child to play how they want to, ie, allowing
them to miscount squares to let them get farther ahead,” Bellinson says. In
other words, the adult should be seen to abide by the rules, but it's OK to
turn a blind eye if the child bends them to compete more equally with the
parent.
Simple boardgames involving strategy can also sharpen a child's perception,
according to Fernand Gobet, Professor of Cognitive Psychology at Brunel
University and the author of Moves in the Mind: A Psychology of Boardgames.
“Good players are intuitive and have to be able to put themselves in their
opponents' shoes, understand how they're playing against you,” says Gobet.
This is a concept that children, even those as young as 7, can begin to
grasp as they develop the ability to empathise and acknowledge that other
people think differently from them. Even so, we'd be kidding ourselves, says
Gobet, if we think playing games can make us - or our children - more
intelligent.
“Research doesn't really back that up. I would say there is a slight
correlation between the idea that intelligent people are better at
boardgames, which is rather different from saying that boardgames can make
you cleverer.”
Even if boardgames can't guarantee to raise our IQ, they can help to improve
self-esteem and assertiveness. Losing ourselves in the spirit of the game
allows us to be daring and to take risks because we know there will be no
serious consequences.
“I always feel absurdly pleased”
“I always find something liberating about games that involve a bit of a
performance,” says Julia, an art history researcher and self-confessed
introvert. “Balderdash is a favourite, having to think on your feet and come
out with an absurd explanation for a silly word and convince everyone it's
true. I admit I get sweaty palms reading them out, even in front of my
family, but I always feel absurdly pleased with myself once I do. Last year
I felt so smug when I convinced my elder brother that Quidnunc was a wizard
in Harry Potter. I still tease him about it now.”
It is still a source of pleasure rather than shame that, at the age of 13, I
decided to beat my overly competitive father at his favourite general
knowledge game by memorising the first 20 or so answers. By the time I was
able to recite, poker-faced, that a “coulter” was an iron blade on a plough
that cuts the soil vertically, he was so stony-faced with amazement - and
frustration - that he simply couldn't beat me. He still hasn't forgotten; it
even got a mention in his speech on my wedding day.
Where else but a boardgame could you guarantee such small but infinitely
satisfying conquests and tales of one-upmanship? Time to brush down that
Trivial Pursuit.
Best boardgames for...
Bringing the family together If you find “zero-sum” games (where there
is one clear winner and loser) too stressful, pick ones that are less
focused on the end goal. For example, Charades, In the Manner of the Adverb.
Families that thrive on conflict and competition Try Pictionary,
Balderdash, Trivial Pursuit and Monopoly
Your child's development. Snakes and Ladders (age 4+): challenges their
resilience; enables them to tackle the reality of good and bad luck.
Solitaire (age 6+): improves concentration and self-reliance. Involves
strategy and predicting patterns; a child can take risks without the
humiliation of “losing” to an opponent, only him or herself.
Scrabble, Boggle (age 8+): word games that can help with spelling and improve
vocabulary.
