Smash hit

The Rowntree report recommends not only that more specialist services should be developed for young people, but that mainstream organisations such as schools should address the issues that emerge through childhood bereavement. There seems to be little capacity to deal with a pupil losing a parent or sibling; certainly, my experience reflects this.

The first parents’ evening without my son’s father present, approximately four months after his death, was a tough one. The teacher told me that the children had been writing out their problems to place in a box; apparently my son had said that his life was very terrible at the moment, and he didn’t know how he would cope.

I cried as she recommended that I find someone he could talk to and asked if I could think of anyone. She offered no aid and as I had only a ten-minute slot with her, I needed to move on for the next parent while the tears still flowed. I felt terribly alone. I’d already tried my hardest to find help, and knowing that my child was suffering was horrendous.

A couple of months later I was able to get him into the Gaddum Centre, where he was offered six sessions of counselling through play therapy. It felt good just to have someone involved. However, being a nondirective service (where the counsellor does not “lead” and the exploration is left to the client), my boy — not a readily open child — never really had a chance to express his feelings in the sessions.

According to the Rowntree report, large numbers of bereaved young people never talk to anyone about their experience, with a risk of growing social isolation and complex problems.

Luckily, my son was able to talk to me. Now, as a 13-year-old, he says that the counsellor should have asked him direct questions and explored the issues that he didn’t know how to confront himself (illustrating Ribbens McCarthy’s point that, even where help is available, it may not be the sort that suits every child).

He was lucky to have had the loving support of a caring family, and the assurance of my ability to remain strong in our circumstances.

For many children this is sadly not the case — and unless efforts are made to improve and expand on the services on offer nationally, these children will suffer even more unnecessarily. Because, compared with the need, the number of agencies specialising in helping bereaved children is small, and services vary regionally.

However, Cruse — a national organisation — can direct all family members to appropriate help, and the Child Bereavement Trust can provide links to other organisations as well as literature. The more recently formed and useful Childhood Bereavement Network, attached to the National Children’s Bureau, has information on all available resources.

But, as Ribbens McCarthy says: “Where they exist, the types and quality of services available geographically vary dramatically. If a child is living in disadvantaged circumstances in an area of little support, the outlook for them could be bleak. If they have compound losses, the risk of depression and other potential problems in later life is even higher.”

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