The day Tom left his family's terraced house in Leamington Spa for the last
time was, his mother later recalled, nothing special. He was midway through
his A levels and spending a lot of time on the computer - but that was
normal. In fact, Barbara Weed thought that in recent weeks her sometimes
fraught relationship with her son had improved. “He seemed more cheerful,”
she said. “But I now realise that was because he had decided to leave.”
On returning from work, she found a four-line note on the doormat. Addressed
to her and the family, it read: “I need to take an indefinite amount of time
away from the family... Please do not contact me.” Although they know where
he is, Tom has refused any contact with his mother, father, two brothers and
his two half-sisters.
Tom, 18, calls the process he has been through “defooing” - freeing himself
from his “family of origin”. The term was coined by the founder of the
website under whose “malign” influence Tom's family say he has fallen.
Freedomain Radio (FDR), run from Canada by Stefan Molyneux, describes itself
as “the largest and most popular philosophy show on the web”. But Ms Weed
has a different description for it. She calls it a cult.
One of the philosophies of Mr Molyneux, himself estranged from his parents, is
that adult relationships should be voluntary. Critics such as Ms Weed accuse
him of poisoning the minds of vulnerable young people against their
families. Ms Weed, a Labour councillor, has appeared on television, radio
and in the press to denounce the man she believes is responsible for her
son's decision - and for 19 other similar cases.
But in his first interview on the subject, Tom told The Times that he felt
liberated by his decision.
“Love should not be imposed upon a child, like a chore on a ticklist: mow the
lawn, wash the dishes, love your parents,” he said.
“I started to examine my relationships with people in my family, and came to
understand that they weren't for me... I didn't feel like I was listened to
by my parents. Whenever I tried to make my preferences felt, they didn't
respond in an interested way.”
Since leaving home, Tom has begun a language degree, and lived or travelled
with friends during the holidays. Although he sometimes feels guilt - “my
mum has a way of pulling the heartstrings, but she is turning herself into a
victim” - he says his life has improved. “I am freer to live my life and
focus on being happy,” he said. “Do I feel that my mother loves me? That's
something that's very hard to answer. I can tell you that I don't love her.”
Although Tom agreed to speak to The Times only on condition that Mr Molyneux
was present, he denied that he was being manipulated in any way.
“I've been presented as this naive, passive, manipulable character,” he said.
“It's offensive to me. When friends have asked why I am not going home at
Christmas, they show curiosity and say ‘fair play'. They are impressed by
the maturity, I suppose ... I don't think people appreciate the depth of
analysis, objectivity and understanding that we go into on FDR in discussing
ideas, thoughts and concepts.”
A previously obscure website, Free-domain Radio has been growing in popularity
since it was launched three years ago, to the extent that Mr Molyneux was
recently able to quit his job in software and rely on donations. Users pay
$50 (£30) a month for “Philosopher King” status and are able to access
premium forums. Much of the discussion centres on podcasts given by Mr
Molyneux.
It was during one such podcast last April - still available on the internet -
that a clearly distressed Tom phoned in asking for advice about his veganism
and whether he was right to feel disgust towards people who eat meat. Within
minutes the conversation had turned into an analysis of Tom's relationship
with his parents.
Mr Molyneux can be heard saying that Tom's feelings towards animals may have
come from witnessing someone in authority abusing animals. Last week Mr
Molyneux was keen to emphasise that this had been only a thesis. “If Tom had
said ‘that didn't happen', I would have said fine and moved on,” he told The
Times.
But he didn't. In the podcast, Tom went on to talk about how his father used
to shout at and kick the family cat. Mr Molyneux then used Tom's description
of his father's anger in general to call his Dad a “f***ing arsehole”, who
“gets off on bullying helpless, defenceless children”.
Next it was Tom's mother's turn to be lambasted by Mr Molyneux: “She knew he
had sick and disgusting rages before they got engaged, [but nevertheless]
married him, and said, ‘I'm going to give him children'.
When The Times suggested to Mr Molyneux last week that he had jumped to
conclusions about Tom's family very quickly, he replied: “I know it was very
quick... This was my 1,000th podcast of course, so it is some pretty
advanced stuff. The question is not the rapidity, but the accuracy.”
Indeed, last week Tom was adamant that his decision to break off from his
family was in large part because of his father's behaviour which, although
never physically violent, scared him.
“Sometimes he would boil over into this violent rage. He would let it out by
swearing, shouting, throwing things. He could trash a room very quickly. It
would happen once a fortnight, maybe. My father would be very intimidating,
my mother would be very submissive. It was very scary.”
His father, John, denies this. “I'm not a violent person. Trashing rooms? No.
Rages? No. I think in any family there's always strife but this is so
nonsensical it beggars belief. It is unbelievably hurtful. The whole thing
has me questioning everything in my past. It has me doubting myself.
“What I hang on to is that Tom's brothers have been very supportive. They say
they have had the same upbringing and haven't noticed this.
“I don't think my son is a liar, I think he is under the most appalling
influence from that man, who I absolutely despise. The most important thing
I can say is that I love Tom enormously and have great regard for him.”
Tom's reasons for breaking contact with his mother, who is now in the process
of divorcing her husband, are less clear - and Tom answers differently at
different times. Towards the end of his interview with The Times, he blamed
her for “guilting” him into seeing members of the family and pretending to
enjoy holidays. “My own sense of being wasn't being appreciated,” he said.
Although Mr Molyneux does not know Tom's family, he goes even further. “Tom's
mother did not protect him,” he said, asking Tom to “jump in if I am wrong”.
“She married a man who was violent, had his baby and did not protect him from
his rages.”
Ms Weed has heard this argument before. Describing her situation as like a
bereavement, she denies the violent rages that Tom described. “My husband
shouts a lot. It made me nervous enough to try to manage the children so
that he wasn't angry with them. Sometimes things got knocked over, but I
don't recall him trashing a room. It just didn't happen ... Oh, and I found
the holidays boring too.”
If his mother is implicated by proxy, it is harder to understand why Tom
refuses to see his siblings. He will not talk about his sisters, but
mentions an occasion when, following a row with his mother, his elder
brother texted to say that their childhood was great, and that he should
stop being cruel to their mother. “He was making statements contrary to my
experience, and also showed no curiosity,” Tom says. “Curiosity” and
“introspection” are words that Tom uses a lot.
Mr Molyneux, who spoke to The Times on condition that the entire interview was
recorded, says that he has been portrayed as a “brain-tentacled ogre
manipulating people through the internet”. But he is not surprised by the
reaction to his ideas. “When feminists first began to speak about abuse
within marriage, every abusive husband started screaming ‘feminazi',” he
said. “If I advised a wife to leave an abusive husband, there would not be
articles about how I am a cult leader.”
Ian Haworth, of the Cult Information Centre, has been following Freedomain
Radio. He says that one of the first signs of a cult is that it cuts people
off from their families.
But in other ways, the definition is less of a good fit. The website is just
that - a website - and has no physical existence. Although Mr Molyneux makes
money from it, he does not get rich from it, and most of the estimated
50,000 users are not regulars. As Mr Molyneux points out, only 20 of those
users have “defooed”.
After the interview, Mr Molyneux e-mailed some of their stories, which
included allegations of physical and sexual abuse.
The key claim of Mr Molyneux's critics is that sometimes he is willing to bend
the facts to suit his theories - to occasionally dire effect.
Although they discuss their problems over the internet, Ms Weed is one of the
few “defooed” parents to speak to the media - many of the others believing
that doing so will further alienate their children. She is fatalistic about
her chances of being reunited. “Tom wants to be someone who ‘defooed'. I
wonder in a way if it's got slightly out of hand and he realises he's
exaggerated, but he doesn't want to lose face,” she said.
Last week Tom gave little sign of wanting to rebuild his relationship with his
family.
“Before I see them again I want to know what kind of commitments they are
willing to give to a relationship with me. I feel I require certain virtues
out of a person. I have had 18 years with these people: I didn't like the
way I was raised, and they didn't earn my respect. If they haven't been into
therapy, haven't had this kind of introspection or been honest with
themselves, then what's the point?”
