In many ways our children have never lived so well: they have more
possessions, better homes, more holidays. Our children are more educated
than ever before. They are more open and honest about themselves and more
tolerant of human diversity. We are proud of our children and their
accomplishments, and rightly so. Yet there is also widespread unease about
our children’s experience - about the commercial pressures they face, the
violence they are exposed to, the stresses at school. Some of this unease is
exaggerated, but it reflects a genuine fear on behalf of our children that
somehow their lives are becoming more difficult, and more difficult than
they ought to be.
More young people are anxious and troubled. These problems are connected with
the changing world in which children are growing up: more families now break
up and more mothers go out to work. New media, including the internet,
expose children to commercial and lifestyle influences unknown before. The
pressure of school exams is greater than ever. And relative poverty affects
more children than in most of the past 50 years.
There are no children for whom life runs completely smoothly, and there are
many problems such as family break-up, commercial pressures and exam stress
that affect children in all social classes. So the report we have written -
A Good Childhood, commissioned by the Children’s Society - is perhaps
unusual in that much of it deals with the experiences of children in general
rather than the problems of specific disadvantaged groups.
The report is also different in another way: it is based on evidence. It draws
mainly on research evidence, some of it stronger than others, and also on
surveys of adults and children by the Children’s Society and on evidence
submitted to the Good Childhood inquiry by thousands of children and adults.
There is only one assertion that requires no evidence. Children are a sacred
trust. They are not just our future adults. Their feelings and experience
matter as much as those of adults, and, being more vulnerable, they deserve
even more consideration. LIFE begins in the family, and from a child’s point
of view a loving family is the key to a good start in life. Families vary
greatly in their structure but the principles of loving care are the same in
any family and any culture – good physical care, unconditional love and
clear boundaries for behaviour.
However, the context in which families live today in Britain is in many ways
quite new, and this raises new challenges. Compared with a century ago, two
changes stand out. First, most women now work outside the home and have
careers, as well as being mothers: 70% of mothers of 9-to 12-month-old
babies now do some paid work. This compares with only 25% 25 years ago - a
massive change in our way of life. Meantime, the children are cared for by
someone other than their parents.
The second change is the rise in family break-up. Women’s new economic
independence contributes to this rise: it has made women much less dependent
on their male partner, as has the advent of the welfare state. As a result
of increased break-up, a third of our 16-year-olds now live apart from their
biological father. What do these major social changes mean for children?
Children need above all to be loved. Unless they are loved they will not feel
good about themselves, and will in turn find it difficult to love others.
What is needed is unconditional love of children as people. But this is not
the same as accepting whatever they do. Some parenting styles are more
positive and successful than others. There are two dimensions that matter:
one is the dimension of warmth versus lack of warmth, the second that of
control versus lack of control.
This makes for four main styles of parenting: disciplined, authoritative,
neglectful and permissive. Researchers have studied the effects of each upon
the way in which children develop. They agree that the style that is loving
and yet firm - now known in the jargon as authoritative - is the most
effective. In this approach boundaries are explained, in the context of a
warm, loving relationship.
What if both parents work? In a Children’s Society survey adults were asked
whether “nowadays parents aren’t able to spend enough time with their
children”: 60% agreed. They were also asked whether “these days more and
more parents have to put their career first, even if this affects their
family life”. Nearly half agreed.
It is crucial how the parents get on with each other. It is remarkable how
many parents do not realise how important this is for their children. In a
survey, teenagers and parents were asked whether they agreed with the
statement: “Parents getting on well is one of the most important factors in
raising happy children”. Seven in 10 of the teenagers agreed, but only a
third of the parents did so.
The teenagers are more right than the parents, as the research shows. Parental
conflict and separation can have a disastrous effect on children. The impact
on the child of separation can be seen as early as the age of three. A
recent British study of children born at the beginning of the new millennium
reveals the difference in cognitive development and in behavioural
difficulties between children growing up in different family situations.
When their parents separate, children experience feelings of confusion,
sadness and betrayal. But beyond this initial reaction, do children suffer
long-term psychological difficulties? From more than 90 studies we know
that, on average, 50% more children with separated parents have problems
than those whose parents have not separated. This is true of a wide range of
outcomes: academic achievement, self-esteem, popularity with other children,
behavioural difficulties, anxiety and depression.
Should parents always stay together, if the children’s welfare is their main
consid-eration? Not if the level of conflict between them is very bad. After
a separation, the issue of conflict remains central. It is crucial how well
the separated parents get on and communicate with each other. On average,
children are less likely to become depressed or aggressive the better their
parents are getting on, and the more they themselves see their separated
father.
Most children hate loss of contact with their fathers and often experience
substantial distress, anger or self-doubt as a result.
So it is a real worry that in Britain around 28% of all children whose parents
have separated have no contact with their fathers three years after the
separation.
If parental separation matters, how common is it? At present, about 15% of
mothers who give birth are already living on their own, 25% are cohabiting,
and 60% are married. But, as we have seen, by age 16 a third of our children
are living apart from their biological fathers. On present trends this
figure will continue to rise. More parents are cohabiting rather than
marrying, and cohabiting parents are more likely to split up. Moreover,
there is robust evidence for all European nations that children who
experience parental divorce or separation are in their turn more likely to
become divorced or separated.
Some people argue that we should not worry about the trends in family
break-up, because it enables people to escape from conflict. The sad fact is
that those people who remain married are increasingly dissatisfied with
their marriages. So the key question is: how can we reduce the level of
conflict in family life? Nothing is more important for children than this.
WE can make a better world for our children. Three words best sum up our
message. The first is love. That is what children say they want, more than
anything else. And, if well cared for, that is what they learn to give. We
want our children to discover that caring for others and contributing to a
common good is ultimately more satisfying than either wealth, beauty or
personal success.
The second word is respect - respect of adults for children, and of children
for others. Automatic deference to rulers, teachers and parents is a thing
of the past. For some parents this is a problem, but the answer is not
permissive parenting where anything goes. Children need unconditional love,
but they also need clear boundaries, based on reasoned explanation. Parents
must of course live the principles they purport to believe in. If they
respect their children, their children will with luck respect others.
The third word is evidence. Until recently, people thought the inner
subjective quality of life was beyond the scope of scientific inquiry. But
today psychologists can assess the inner states of children, as well as
their behaviour. As a result we have learnt a lot about what works to
improve the experience of childhood, and what does not; and this has enabled
us to place the mental health and wellbeing of children much nearer the
centre of our thinking. We can now develop some proposals for promoting a
better and more loving family life for our children. These include:
The couple’s commitment: a child needs parents who love the child and love
each other. Child-rearing ideally requires two people. In addition, children
learn to love through seeing the love between two adults. Though some
children thrive despite family break-up, continuity in parenting is crucial
for the development of inner security. It follows that, when they have a
child, the parents should have a long-term commitment to each other as well
as to the welfare of the child.
Parenting education: before a child is born, the parents should be fully
informed of what is involved in bringing up a child - not only the physical
demands and sacrifices, but the emotional demands and the stresses as well
as the joys which it will bring to their own relationship. The NHS should
ensure that parenting classes are available free to all parents around the
birth of a child, especially their first. Fathers as well as mothers should
be encouraged to take courses in “understanding your child”, and be prepared
for the strain of sleepless nights.
It is also important that people get this information while they are in
school, before conception. So as part of “personal and social education”,
young people should receive proper and culturally sensitive education in the
skills of parenting, relationships and child development.
Children and working parents: working parents should be entitled to leave,
with guaranteed return to work, lasting for up to three years between the
parents (as in France and Germany) even if it is unpaid. It should entail no
loss of job security.
Children with emotional or behavioural difficulties: if a child is clearly
disturbed, local authorities should ensure the parents have ready access to
help and support. There are good parenting programmes which can make a big
difference, and if children are more seriously disturbed they should quickly
receive help from the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service.
Parental conflict: it is extremely important for children that their parents
live in harmony with each other. If parents are in conflict, children should
tell them how this impacts on them. All parents with these problems should
have free access to psychological support to help them stay together or, if
necessary, to help them manage to separate in a way that does least damage
to the children.
If parents split up, children’s voices must be heard and taken into account in
any decision about how they spend their time. Children in separated families
fare best when they have close contact with each of their parents and all
the important adults in their lives, including grandparents, aunts and
uncles, cousins and family friends. Separating parents should always explain
to the children what is happening. We need above all to reverse the increase
in family conflict. This is the heartache which damages so many children,
however well they are otherwise brought up. As one 14-year-old from
Manchester put it to us: “I think all kids should have the right to live in
a happy place where they feel safe and loved. I haven’t felt like that in
some time but I know my parents don’t mean it. It’s just they argue and take
it out on me.”
© The Children’s Society 2009 Extracted from The Landmark Report for the
Children’s Society - A Good Childhood: Searching for Values in a Competitive
Age by Richard Layard and Judith Dunn, published by Penguin on February 5 at
£9.99. Copies can be ordered for £9.49, including postage, from The Sunday
Times BooksFirst on 0845 271 2135
Moral decline
A representative sample of adults was asked whether or not today’s children
had a stronger sense of moral values than in the past. Only 7% said
stronger, while 66% said not as strong. Similarly, when asked whether
today’s children had a stronger sense of community than in the past, only 5%
said stronger, while 69% said not as strong. There was, of course, no golden
age but something has changed for the worse.
Measuring love
When a school judges success it should look equally at intellectual progress
and emotional development. We suggest that schools consider administering
“standard assessments for emotional wellbeing” at ages five, 11 and 14. This
would have three purposes: to give the school some measure of its success,
to get to know its individual children better and to help identify those who
may need specialist support.
Birth ritual
The birth of a child is a great event and great events call for ceremonies and
ritual. As with a wedding, a birth is an occasion to celebrate and also an
occasion to express love and commitment in the presence of friends and
relations and society at large.
Traditionally in Britain the christening has performed this type of function
and, at present, roughly a third of children are christened or have a birth
ceremony in another religion. For children who do not get christened or
experience another religious ceremony, a well designed civil ceremony would
reinforce the sense of commitment of parents and their resolve to do the
best for their child, through a suitable vow made in public.
The ceremony would be performed by the local registrar, using a ritual similar
to a civil marriage, and would be celebrated in the register office or
elsewhere and recorded on a certificate. It would normally happen when the
child was between six and 12 months.
A similar facility is available for a fee and used on a small scale in some
places, but it would be valuable if it became a standard experience. Thus,
when the child’s birth was registered, the registrar would simply arrange
the date with the parents for those who didn’t want a religious ceremony.
The ceremony would be voluntary but free, reflecting the community’s
interest in welcoming the child into society.
