Most parenting books have a few good ideas that they drag out for pages and pages. You can’t be bothered to read all that, so you just feel guilty. In one column I’ll tell you everything I’ve learnt.

1 Stick to the schedule. Children are cheeky mavericks, but also fierce reactionaries who expect their lunch at 12.30. Do lights out at 8. If a child is crying, it’s generally because they’re hungry, tired or trying to get a sweet.

2 Never bribe. If you say, “Come to the park, I’ll get you a lolly,” you’re implying the only good thing about the park is the lolly. Do things for their intrinsic pleasure: your kids will excel at the important job of being children.

3 Don’t serve snacks. At meals, give the boring stuff first. Give a sprig of broccoli. Tell them to put butter on it. Tell them they’re dinosaurs who can chomp the little tree. Never say: “Eat that, and you can have pudding.” There’s no child on earth who’ll eat a carrot once they’re thinking about ice cream.

4 Turn off the TV. Smash all toys that beep. Beware grannies with plastic objects.

5 Don’t plan too much — eke out what you’re doing. If you see a dandelion, blow it. If you see a drain, inspect it for rats or lurking witches. The slower it takes to arrive, the more you’ll see on the way.

6 When they’re upset, show you understand, then distract. Grab their attention by saying: “Have I ever told you about the time Grandad’s teeth fell down the toilet? I’ll draw a diagram.”

7 If you give a command, it must be obeyed. So don’t give too many.

8 Don’t pay too much attention when they’re crying or you’re encouraging them to cry. Pay attention when they’re playing well. Don’t just praise, participate. Don’t make suggestions. Assume they’ve ideas of their own. Say “yes” to all of them, unless they involve biscuits. Soon you’ll be crouching in a tent made of towels, serving tea for their bears. This is time well spent.

9 That said, leave them alone often, or they’ll depend on you for entertainment. It should be the other way round. Your kids won’t be young for long. Enjoy and admire them — they have much to teach you.

10 Don’t invite company. Kids are like farts. Yours are surprisingly lovely. When other people’s appear, it’s best to leave the room.

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