Dear Tanya

I have three brothers who are all in prison for being violent. I have a little sister who is 9, very thin and withdrawn.

My mother was an alcoholic who died — it was probably suicide — eight years ago. My father is a violent man who used to hit my brothers. He did other things to my sister and me.

I got away by going to Liverpool university to study maths. While my brothers were stealing cars, I was doing homework all night. At school I was quiet and nervous that anyone would see the bruises my dad gave me or the cuts on my arms and legs that I gave myself.

Now I have a boyfriend who is hardly ever violent to me. I’ve had calmer boyfriends but they never shouted and it wasn't normal. My friends don’t like him but I think it’s because he doesn’t like me seeing them, either. He is in the Army and since he has been away on tour I have started going out every night, drinking a lot, going home with different men and taking drugs.

I’m the one in my family who has always managed to function, but my mood has become very low and I feel that there’s no point in being at university. My father is dying in hospital so my sister is staying with our aunt, who is lovely. But my sister phones me five times a day, crying and saying that she feels unsafe (she is not) and that she wants me to live with them because I brought her up after mum died.

I feel that I’m going crazy.

Michelle

Angry and destructive young people are often driven by hideous early life experiences which lead to a profound sense of anxiety and defensiveness. Anxiety leads either to fight or to flight. Boys tend to fight, girls tend to withdraw (flight) — your family demonstrates this, with brothers in prison for aggressive behaviour and a sister who barely speaks, as well as your own self-harm.

As a society we are incredibly judgmental of young people such as you and your siblings. I have written recently about how, in the UK, we demonise our teenagers and have no compassion when it comes to trying to understand their extreme behaviour that arises from distress. Many see my perspective as that of a “wet liberal”. I believe that this is a selfish and complacent way of ignoring the unhappiness faced by too many young people.

I congratulate you for your ability to rise above so much dysfunction and go on to higher education. Your intelligence and hard work have given you some protection from the many abuses of your childhood. You must now do everything you can to maintain this.

I am worried about your relationship. It sounds as if you feel comfortable only with someone who has an edge of anger or possibly violence. I understand why this would be — it is how you were socialised. But just because you were brought up witnessing and experiencing sado-masochistic relationships does not mean that they must be your choice for the rest of your life.

I have worked with many women who live with and return to violent men because they are seduced by the charm between the episodes of violence and also because they know no other way of communicating and having a relationship. This does not make it right. Please find support to evaluate this relationship and your way of making attachments. Contact womensaid.org.uk; 0808 2000247.

My heart breaks when you describe your sister. You allude to (but do not describe) actions from your father towards yourself and your little sister: this is worrying. Your sister is now with your aunt and you say that she is safe. However, she probably finds this relationship hard to accept, given that boundaries and trust have been violated for her as they have for you.

For yourself — and your sister, given that you are her role model — you must find a way to continue the path you are on at university. You need professional help to challenge your self-destructive behaviour. You will have student support services on campus — seek them out.

For your sister, talk to your aunt about accessing local services through your GP or Children and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS) and, if appropriate, attend some of the family support sessions. The NSPCC may also be able to advise on her support and care (0808 800 5000) — and give her the number of ChildLine (0800 11 11), too, for when she feels that she has to talk to someone who will understand but never judge her.

Taking drugs and sleeping with strangers as well as having a relationship with someone who is, at times, abusive, is behaviour that springs from low self-belief and a need to forget. This is so in contrast to the bright, hard-working young woman who got herself to university. Do not allow the pathology of your parents to define you. Clearly, they were both very disturbed and unhappy but you have the ability to move beyond that.

There are many fantastic organisations that could offer you support. Find which works best for you. I recommend thesite.org; youngminds.org ; getconnected.org (0808 8084994); youth2youth.co.uk (020-8896 3675) and teenagehealthfreak.com .

My grandmother told me that life was about turning your stumbling blocks into stepping stones. Easily said, of course, nevertheless, in your case it is definitely possible. Harness your strength and intelligence to find the professional and personal support networks that are right for you and show your little sister — as well as yourself — that life can have purpose, meaning and joy.

If you have a family problem, e-mail

proftanyabyron@thetimes.co.uk

Times recommends

• The Boxing Day tsunami: five years on
• What took place in 2010...
• Can you really cure a hangover?