Dear Tanya

My wife has been using dating websites. Under cover of being at work, she has been meeting and engaging in casual sex with men. She is 57and runs her own business; we have been married for 35 years and have two adult daughters. When I confronted her she tried to pass it of as social networking, but admitted to meeting men. I said that her activities were totally unacceptable to me and the family and she had to stop. She said that she could not.

I offered to consult a marriage counsellor with her. I felt that she was putting herself at risk and was destroying her relationship with the family. I discussed it with my daughters. When my wife discovered that I had told them she was incensed and has threatened to move out. She will not discuss “her secret life” and refuses counselling.

Her secret dating started a couple of years ago. She now spends long periods of time in internet chatrooms discussing her sexual experiences on bulletin boards and arranging dates, surfing websites that offer dating and swinger contacts with anonymous partners and couples and viewing pornography.

We are all very concerned, first for her safety, and also that this has developed into a compulsive behavioural problem: an addiction over which she has no control.

David

A: From what you describe, it sounds as if your wife’s behaviour has become compulsive to the point that even if she wanted to stop it, she may not be able to without support. This compulsivity indicates addictive behaviour — your wife is spending increasing time online, surfing and chatting, to the point that it is overtaking her life and impairing the quality of relationships.

Being “addicted” to sex is often dismissed by many as an excuse for behaving badly. But I believe that we should show compassion to any person, regardless of their behaviour, and ask why they are doing it. The behaviour becomes less the preoccupation of those trying to support and treat an individual and is seen as a “symptom” of greater underlying issues and distress. Some women are known to be “sex addicts”. Labels aside, it is important to recognise the nature of the behaviour and, as you say, regardless of the implications for relationships there are huge health and safety issues here.

Studies indicate that a significant proportion of women who show sexually compulsive behaviour have histories of childhood sexual abuse. Of course, not all women who have been abused will become sex addicts, nor all sex addicts have been abused — but there is a strong link. Abuse can lead to real problems with intimacy and some people may cut themselves off from the emotional experiences of sex.

If your wife has suffered abuse in childhood then we can understand better her drive for anonymous sex. If she wasn’t, we need to explore why, at this stage, she has become so consumed by sex in such a potentially destructive way.

There needs to be some assessment of your own relationship and whether you were both happy and felt your needs were being met. Beyond that, it is important to recognise the attraction of risk and secrecy and question why should this be so appealing to your wife. I am wondering whether her “secret life” enabled her to act out a persona that she never felt comfortable with in real life. The experience of sex stimulates the brain centres associated with pleasure. Those with compulsive sexual behaviour are often using the pleasure to compensate for unhappiness. Repeated sex, like repeated drug use, can lead to a pattern of behaviour that is reinforced by the pleasure sensations that arise from it.

Some researchers theorise that compulsive sexual behavior over time can cause changes in the brain’s neural circuits, and such changes may cause pleasant physiological reactions by engaging in sexual behaviour and unpleasant reactions when it is stopped.

Compulsive behaviour is often driven by thoughts that are difficult to challenge and can lead to heightened arousal — both negative and positive. The thoughts can be triggered easily and become so powerful that only by carrying out the behaviour will the person get some relief. Thus it may have got to the point where at times your wife does not wish to view porn but does so to relieve the constant thoughts that she will be experiencing.

Many “addicts” will describe how they can’t see a way out because the only thing that stops them becoming overwhelmed by the behaviour is the behaviour itself.

Identity seems to be a key issue here. Why would a wife, a mother of two, engage in behaviour that is so out of character? What has been lacking in her life that has lead her to this point? The only person who can answer this is your wife, but while she is entrenched in her refusal to stop this behaviour, there can be no exploration or discussion.

To find a way to offer your wife non-judgmental support that will let her talk about her behaviour in a way that could be constructively challenged, I suggest mediation by a professional from an organisation such as the British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy; basrt.org.uk . Also contact Sex Addicts Anonymous for support; saa-recovery.org . For treatment look at www.lifeworkscommunity.com .

It is vital that all who care for your wife see past her behaviour. Try to step off the moral high ground and understand that she is an unhappy women who is driven to seek pleasure in high-risk behaviour.

It would also be useful to talk to your GP for advice as it is important for there to be an assessment of any sudden changes in personality in terms of cognitive problems. It is known that certain conditions may cause damage to parts of the brain that affect sexual behaviour. Multiple sclerosis, epilepsy and dementia all have been associated with compulsive sexual behaviour and research also indicates that treatment of Parkinson’s disease with “dopamine agonist” medications may induce compulsive sexual behavior.

I hope that armed with some of these theories you can find a way to support your wife to explore what she is doing and the potential inherent risks. It may be that your wife elects to remain engaging in casual anonymous sex and if so I hope that you can find the support to cope with the emotional fallout.

Do ask your GP for some counselling for yourself.

If you have a family problem, e-mail drtanyabyron@thetimes.co.uk. Write to her at: times2, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT Include your name, age, address and telephone number. Dr Byron cannot enter into personal correspondence
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