Dear Tanya
I am 23 years old and worried about my 15-year-old brother. My parents split up five years ago and are still not speaking, despite having found new partners.

My mother used to be willing to talk to my father, and often tried to let him know about how my brother was doing at school. However, after a very messy divorce, she can’t be bothered any more. My father has moved to be as far away from her (and, consequently, us) as possible.

I am now pretty much the second parent in the house, doing my master’s degree but at the same time disciplining my brother and doing his homework with him (my mother works full time and when she gets home needs to take care of the house).

I’m sick of my dad’s behaviour; he only really speaks to me every few months, less to my brother and even less to my younger sister (22), and I feel like I’m having to shoulder the responsibility of being a parent to my brother and keeping Dad in the loop.

My brother is a teenage boy crying out for a male role model. I had an argument with my dad two months ago about my brother’s school fees, and he threatened to sue my mother and make her sell our house to pay them. My sister and I (both full-time students) would be forced to move out. He said things that make me never want to speak to him again, but I still love him and feel the responsibility of keeping in touch for my brother’s sake.
Louise

The first thing that bothers me is that you have taken on the role of second parent. You are 23 years old and getting on with your life — why should you be saddled with the responsibility of managing your younger brother?

Parental responsibility belongs to parents, not their offspring. You describe how your father has disengaged himself from the family and I can see how upsetting that would be for you and your siblings, but you still have your mother.

I am struggling to understand why, for her, working and taking care of the house would take priority over parenting your brother. Harsh as this may sound, given the absence and lack of interest of your father, she still has that role to play and it should not be down to you to manage his discipline or argue with your father over school fees.

I suggest that you and your siblings try to support your mother in managing the house in order for her to get to grips with how your brother is feeling and how he is behaving. She also needs to do her best to engage your father.

By being the go-between here you become trapped in a dysfunctional parental relationship. Furthermore, I am concerned that your role in all this is allowing others (including your brother) to avoid taking direct responsibility for how they are feeling. You can only be as effective as it is possible for a child or sibling to be in this situation — you might be keeping things afloat, but you can never make inroads into the key issues that will effect change.

It could be argued that by assuming a parental role you are allowing your parents not to play their part. If you disengage, things may get worse — and that, I suspect, is your fear — but sometimes a worsened situation can push people into action, which can eventually lead to long-term change.

There are many boys who live in families without a male role model and this can lead to problems for some. Only 13 per cent of primary school and 43 per cent of secondary school teachers are male, so a large number of boys — particularly young boys — have a hard time finding other men with whom to bond and identify throughout their childhoods.

Are there any men that your brother is, or could be, close to among other family members or through friends and sports teams? It might be worth chatting this through with him. In order for him to feel more empowered in this difficult family situation, he may need support — useful websites for him are: youngminds.org.uk ; childline.org.uk (0800 1111) and getconnected.org.uk.

You also mention the issue of school fees and your father’s suggestion that your mother should downsize to pay them. This seems unfair and shows his lack of attachment to his responsibilities, but it may also reflect his level of animosity towards your mother. Again, this is not your responsibility and your mother, perhaps with her solicitor, should deal with this.

However, your father’s intractability aside, I wonder about you and your sister still living at home at the ages of 22 and 23. In order to disentangle the complex roles and relationships that exist within your family, surely it would be sensible and timely for both of you to live independently?

I know that this is easier said than done, but you are not a parent or a relationship mediator. You are a young women on the threshold of her life with her own relationships and responsibilities to develop away from home.

Maybe, if you were less involved with what you see as your family responsibilities, others would either step up to the plate or find a voice to express directly how they feel. This would be much more healthy.

If you have a family problem, e-mail proftanyabyron@thetimes.co.uk

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