The holidays loom. And as many parents look forward to reconnecting with their
children by taking a break from work to spend time with them, others
approach the summer with dread. Many in the latter camp are likely to be the
parents of teenagers because, as with death and taxes, there is little more
certain in life than knowing that at some point Britain’s four million
teenagers are going to give their families grief.
The pressures this year are worse than ever. While the anxieties about making
friends, bad skin and bullying remain the same, for those facing life beyond
the school gate, the outlook in these recession-hit times is far worse.
Almost half of Britain’s firms recently told the Chartered Institute of
Personnel and Development and KPMG that they had no plans to hire any of the
hundreds of thousands of teenagers and young adults who will hit the jobs
market in the coming months.
So how should parents and their teenagers tackle this apparently
insurmountable mountain?
“Together,” is the answer from Suzie Hayman, a Relate-trained counsellor and
the author of a new book, Parenting Your Teenager. Hayman draws upon
her own experiences as a stepmother, counsellor and rebellious teenager to
steer parents through her self-help guide. Whereas children are like dogs,
she says, teenagers are like cats: “You feed your pet, train it, boss it
around. It puts its head in your lap and gazes at you as if you were a
Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.
Then, around the age of 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old
cat.”
What worked before now has the opposite effect. Call it and it runs away; tell
it to sit and it jumps on the counter. The key now, Hayman says, is to treat
your son or daughter like a cat. Put food out and let him or her come to
you. Remember teenagers still need your help and affection — but on their
terms. Negotiation is also central to good relations. Do this, she says, and
in a few years your grownup child will one day walk into your kitchen and
tell you to put your feet up because you look tired.
But it is easier said than done. Particularly when half of the problem, as
Hayman is keen to stress, lies with the parents. In the last quarter of last
year, 45 per cent of calls to the charity Parentline Plus concerned
teenagers aged between 13 and 18.
Hayman knows this from her own experience. As a step-parent and author of
several step-parenting manuals, she was made to “vividly reconnect” with
teens some years ago, when she and her husband were complaining about their
teenage son. Instead of hitching to Kathmandu, as he had promised to do,
Alex was moping around the house on his gap year and earning a few pounds in
a job arranged for him by his grandfather. Any sense of adventure had been
abandoned and his stepmother and father were very critical of what appeared
to be his apathy. But when she heard herself ranting, Hayman realised that
she was sounding like her own mother and that she had not asked him why he
had stopped talking. So she wrote him a letter, apologising for being
judgmental and critical. Alex responded instantly by calling her and saying
that he was not leaving because he had fallen in love and wanted to stay in
the UK.
“The point was I suddenly realised that I was trying to change him without
listening to him and that the person who should be changing was me,” she
says. “It is like sitting on a seesaw. If you change, they will change and
if you move on the seesaw, they will move. But they won’t move if you simply
tell them to.”
The problem, she says, is that while your child is becoming an apprentice
adult and beginning to stand on his or her own, you are having to learn to
let go and recognise that you are no longer the centre of his or her
universe. So you undergo a sort of midlife crisis, as you lose your raison
dêtre as a parent.
Unfortunately, many find it hard not to be in charge of their child’s every
move. But just as they recognise that toddlers need to fall over to learn to
stand up, Hayman says, they must allow teenagers to learn by their mistakes
too.
“Part of the anxiety is that the falls seem bigger. But in a sense they’re not
that different,” she says. “Obviously, you don’t want them to do really
dangerous things, but few things are irrevocable.”
She uses herself as an example. Until her O levels she was a studious worker,
but later lost interest in her studies after her parents’ separation.
Instead of being nurtured by her private London day school, she was treated
as a pariah. She failed her A levels twice, though she eventually
successfuly resat them and studied English at Newcastle University. But even
there she partied so hard that she got a third.
“Since then I’ve gone on to write 26 books, work as a radio presenter, a
Relate counsellor and become a trustee of Parentline Plus,” she says. “The
point is that not much is unalterable and you can turn experiences such as
these to your advantage.”
While Hayman admits that teenagers may be hurtful and challenging to their
parents, her book lays out the physical changes in detail that may bring
about this metamorphosis, as well as advising parents to dislike the
behaviour, not the child. When it comes to sex and drugs, she also advises
that an adult’s fears may well be out of proportion to reality.
Critically, she says, the door must always be left open to talk. It may not be
at an obvious time — such as in the car or over the washing up — but if you
make yourself available, and don’t demand a face-to face discussion, your
teenagers will open up to you in time. If they cannot talk to you, encourage
them to talk to a friendly adult or godparent.
Also, while most teenagers appear not to wish to do anything with the family,
they do like to be included in some activities, such as holidays, sailing,
walking or bike-riding.
To emphasise this point, a new paper in Elsevier’s Journal of Adolescence
website advises parents to maintain the ritual of family dinners, citing
research that appears to prove that the more teenagers share family dinners
together, the less likely they are to do drugs, run away from home or become
violent.
Instead of being an outdated institution, the study concludes that family
mealtimes engender a sense of family identity, order, consistency and, above
all, enable parents and children to communicate better. At the same time,
they allow more parental supervision and lessen any negative peer pressures.
Family activities, it adds, enhance the effects of family mealtimes.
But before parents assume that they are being asked to befriend their grumpy
monosyllabic child and embrace his new life lying slumped in front of the TV
or Facebooking for 23 hours a day, Hayman insists that this is not the way
ahead. They might no longer want to be the train driver or ballerina that
you had always thought that they would become, but that is no reason to
discard everything you have learnt about parenting: they still need rules.
“Never set out to be a friend of your child — you can be friendly, listen and
respect them, treat them with a level of equality,” she says. “Children want
you to be a parent. They do not want you to go clubbing with them.”
Parenting Your Teenager by Suzie Hayman is published by Teach Yourself,
£7.99. To order it for £7.59 inc p&p call 0845 2712134 or
visit: www.timesonline.co.uk/booksfirst
Top tips from the expert
1. Keep an eye on your teenagers, showing that you care and are prepared to
set some limits. But trust them and don’t interfere or try to control them.
2. Choose your battles. Decide the issues on which to stand firm, which
to negotiate and which to let go.
3. Understand why your teenager is behaving badly. Have there been
arguments with friends? Is there a fear about emotional and physical
changes? Try to talk over what has prompted the behaviour.
4. You may be hurt by what they say but try not to take it personally.
5. However angry you feel, remember that it’s what they do you dislike,
not them.
6. Remember your own teenage years and what you and your parents
clashed over.
7. Young people often enter adolescence at a time of midlife crisis for
parents. Conflict often comes because of a parent’s anxiety over his or her
own issues not the children’s.
8. Accept that your children cannot live your life by fulfilling your
ambitions.
9. Parenting teenagers is hard work so give yourself time to recharge.
10. If your fears about sex, drugs and and alcohol abuse are justified
seek professional help, but often it is more talk than actual behaviour.
Top tips from a teenager
1. Parents may worry that their teenager’s friends are not “good role
models” but there’s not much they can do, except encourage them to take up
an activity where they may make some more suitable friends.
2. After children are about 14, when they go out at night they are
likely to encounter some sort of alcohol. There isn’t much a parent can do
to stop this, other than to take a photo of them puking.
3. Don’t patronise teenagers on the risks of drugs. Rewards can be
useful: my parents have offered me a sum of money if I don’t smoke or use
any illegal substances until I turn 18.
4. When we go to parties, avoid constant nagging with phone calls, text
messages and demands to know the exact minute we will get the bus home.
5. Leave sex education to the experts. In every school now, they tell
your children about the issues.
6. If your child brings a friend of the opposite sex home, do not
comment. Parental input is not needed. End of story.
7. Don’t try to live vicariously through your teenager.
8. Don’t try to embarrass your teenager in public.
9. Remember that you are no longer a teenager, and teenagers are
unlikely to trust and talk to you like a friend.
10. We hear you telling us to tidy up, get ready, etc, etc. Repeating
it is nagging.
Marley Miller, 16
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