Dear Tanya
Before my mother died from breast cancer two months ago she told me that I was born as a result of rape when she was 18.

I had always realised that she treated me differently from my sister and I can never remember her hugging me or telling me that she loved me, as she did my sister. Now I know why. Every time she looked at me, I must have reminded her of her ordeal. She had always told me that she found out she was pregnant with me too late to have a termination and that she had considered having me adopted several times.

I have never been the most confident person, but now I really doubt myself. I am fixated on the idea that half my genes are those of a rapist, and I’m analysing everything I do in case it’s being driven by that side of me. For example, I’ve always played hockey and lacrosse but I’ve quit because I don’t trust myself to control my reaction when the games get aggressive.

My boyfriend is the most important person in my life, but I’m pushing him away. I can’t have sex because I can’t think about it in a romantic way any more. He’s being lovely and says that I should let him look after me, but I feel that I don’t deserve him as he, and his kind family, don’t really know who I am.

I’m not sleeping and I can’t stop crying, which isn’t like me. I really, really miss my mum and I’m sure that’s affecting my judgment. I’m not who I thought I was and I feel overwhelmed. How can I ever have a normal life now? I don’t even feel I can have children because I won’t know what I’m passing on.

Laura

It is difficult to read what your mother has done without feeling judgmental. By imparting such news before her death she gave you no time to process it, ask questions or state your feelings, and left you with a double whammy of loss: of her and of your identity.

The burden on your mother must have been unbearable, and clearly made her feelings towards you ambivalent. However, for her to have made this so clear and, at times, with such cruelty, must have been deeply distressing for you.

When I have worked with women who have had babies after being raped it has been important to enable the mother to disconnect the child from the act of their conception. Many women find their rage at the man who raped them distorts their maternal instincts.

I hope you can see that the circumstances of your birth contributed substantially to your mother’s difficulties with you at an emotional level, and that it was not you that she couldn’t love but what you represented.

Having never disconnected you from the man who raped her, she has projected her anger towards him on to you, hence the hurtful comments about her wanting to abort you or have you adopted.

Undoubtedly, your difficult attachment with your mother contributed to your feelings of low self-worth, and I can understand how this recent news will have magnified those feelings one thousand fold. Just as your mother should have received support to disconnect her hatred of the rapist from you, so you need support to disconnect from her projection of her anger and disgust on to you. You are not responsible for what happened to her.

Interestingly, you have wondered whether your love of sports represents a way for you to project your anger and aggression outwards (as your mother did). I advise you to continue with these sports — you enjoy them and they provide an outlet for your feelings in a controlled setting. If you overstep the line you will be penalised and so can learn when to pull back.

In addition, exercise has an uplifting effect on mood and provides respite from stressful and unhappy preoccupations.

I am concerned that the tears and poor sleep indicate a mild depression, so you should talk to your GP.

You need support to process what has happened. Your GP can refer you for counselling or you could look at bacp.co.uk or bps.org.uk. Mind (mind.org.uk, 0845 766 0163) can provide advice about local support, and the Samaritans are available on 08457 909090. In addition you can talk to a counsellor on 0906 665 8010 (calls cost £1.50 a minute from a BT landline) — see talktoacounsellor.co.uk. For bereavement advice visit crusebereavementcare.org.uk, 0844 477 9400. Look at rapecrisis.org.uk for advice about support centres — you may need help to deal with the rape of your mother, and what it means to you and about you.

Consider this: you can have a kind boyfriend with a supportive family only if you are a loveable person — this means you have worth. It is understandable that you have difficulties with intimacy, this is something to address through counselling and with your boyfriend; help him to understand what you feel comfortable with and build slowly at your pace.

But let’s be clear — a person is never defined by or responsible for the actions of their parents. There is very little research on this but some studies have shown that many women elect not to terminate a rape-conceived pregnancy, instead seeing their child as a gift out of trauma; with support maybe your mother could have seen you in that way.

You should not construct your sense of self from how you were conceived. Genes alone do not define who we are and there is no such thing as a “rapist” gene — many factors would have driven your mother’s attacker.

The following words were spoken by a woman born as a result of a rape: “It doesn’t matter how I began. What matters is who I will become.” I hope they inspire you to find support to work through the loss of your mother, understand her actions and become your own person: a woman living life on her terms, with her own moral compass and who loves those in her life without condition or prejudice.

If you have a family problem e-mail proftanyabyron@thetimes.co.uk

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