Dear Tanya

I have recently become aware that, as a single 42-year-old only child, I am suffering from longstanding and continuing emotional pain and discomfort because of my possessive mother.

I seem to be unable to release my anger in relation to my family, especially my mother, who has always wanted to “grab” at my love in a possessive way without having any real empathy with me or with my feelings for her. I am sure she loves me in the way that she can but her way of loving me doesn’t want to recognise or accept my gentle, sensitive side or my true masculine side.

My father, who split from my mother when I was about 5, has always been a poor role model. He hasn’t shown me how to “be a man” — how to show courage and belief — as he is very indecisive and unsure of himself.

I want to stop feeling angry with my parents so that I can stop sabotaging my whole life and particularly my intimate relationships. How can I let go of the sadness that I know lies beneath my anger towards my parents?

Michael

Emotional pain, particularly when, like yours, it is underpinned by anger, can be totally debilitating. It sounds as if you feel that your childhood unhappiness has left you single and childless. From what you describe, your mother has emasculated you with her possessive and overpowering love: it may have fed her emotional needs in the absence of a partner but it didn’t meet yours.

You describe your father as a poor role model and I wonder whether you also feel angry with him for “leaving you” as a young child. Left alone with your mother, it seems that you became her focus in a way that put you in a position where you had to fulfil her emotional needs.

First we need to explore where this anger that you feel towards your parents comes from. Have you ever thought about what your parents might have been feeling that contributed to your experience of pain and regret? Often in families, anger becomes an inherited emotion. Transgenerational patterns are laid down so that strong and unhappy feelings are just accepted. It seems that while you have inherited some of this, it also makes you unhappy and has affected the choices that you have made.

Why should you compromise your life choices and close relationships when it is possible that these feelings belong to others and have been parcelled on to you? Parents are very good at projecting all sorts of feelings, both positive and negative, on to their children and I wonder whether your anger reflects not only your own feelings about your parental relationships but also your mother’s anger at her own circumstances.

Furthermore, why should you, an adult, continue to allow yourself to be overpowered by your mother? The anger that you feel, which has disabled you in terms of making other intimate relationships, continues in a way that makes it seem that you are still tied emotionally to your mother. This is far from unusual — there are many adult sons who still feel attached to their mums. It’s important to acknowledge that when we separate from our parents, the process also requires parents to separate from us; but that, for a variety of reasons, is often not possible. This appears to be the situation for you.

Children whose relationships with their parents are all-consuming and lack boundaries often feel responsible for the emotional and mental wellbeing of that parent. The child may feel trapped by the parent’s dependence. You may feel anxious about stepping back from your mother in case it destabilises her.

It may not be appropriate to tackle this directly with your mother but certainly you could look at yourself and find ways of putting boundaries around your relationship with her so that you feel less responsible. This is easier said than done, I know, but you have a choice: your anger could become either a burden or an inspiration for you to change the unhappy patterns in your life.

I advise you to look at when your communication with your mother is most productive. Does she often call you? Or do you spend a lot of time sitting with her in her house, just the two of you? If you feel happier and less oppressed out shopping in public, for example, suggest that you do more of that; look to shift your interactions away from the old unhealthy and unhelpful dynamic.

You say that you lack courage and self-belief; you will need both of these to try to change the patterns of behaviour with your mother — in this you may need to seek support.There will be those who feel that you should be guided towards psychotherapy (see www.bacp.co.uk) but I wonder whether you could assess where you are without a lengthy — and costly — therapeutic relationship. Talking feelings through, using someone as a sounding board, is important when exploring deeply embedded emotional issues. But friends, online support groups or a partner can do this too.

Don’t assume that you have to “deal” with your anger before you can form an intimate relationship; having the courage to get close to someone is a move away from the emasculated boy trapped inside you and a shift that may in itself make you feel more independent and empowered.

If you have a family problem e-mail

proftanyabyron@thetimes.co.uk

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