Q I have two sons, aged 10 and 8. The eldest is a real people-pleaser and finds it very easy to mingle with adults. My younger son is lovely, but less mature. I have noticed that my parents-in-law are increasingly favouring my older son, showing his brother little patience and simply refusing to engage with him. What can I do to stop this favouritism?

Steffi, 36

A It seems unkind of your in-laws to introduce your son to the whimsy of social selection at such an early age. However, let’s assume that their attitude is unintentional. Grandparents often favour the first-born and it is something from which they should be dissuaded gently.

Start by suggesting activities or outings for only your younger son to attend with one or both grandparents. Then confide in your mother-in-law that you are worried about the younger one since he is shyer than his brother, and ask for her advice and help. She will, hopefully, feel secretly guilty once you explain your worry. Remember, though, that your behaviour is the key to your son’s confidence. If he feels equally loved by you and his dad, there is no reason that he won’t grow up comfortable in his own skin and not in the shadow of his brother.

His individuality needs to be nurtured by you and your husband. If he’s aware of you becoming annoyed with your in-laws, it could highlight the unfair comparison with his brother. If you seem comfortable around the in-laws, he will relax and not take offence — even if you are seething inside.

You should never let him know your worries. His shyness may be part of his innate personality and, rather than fretting, he may respond to special attention and reassurance from you.

He needs to know that he doesn’t have to be the same as his brother, but, to grow up as confidently, he will need to be encouraged in the pursuits that he enjoys separately from his sibling.

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