Dear Tanya

I have recently found out that my dad is cheating on my mum. I am 14 with two older sisters at university and one younger sister. He told me and my little sister over breakfast in a café. I was completely shocked, but he thought that we had “kind of suspected it,” and that it was wrong for him and mum to have kept it from us.

I just thought they were going through a mid-life crisis because they never hugged or slept in the same bed. I cried myself into hysterics with the shock and sadness.

It turns out that Mum had cheated on Dad for five years and had considered leaving us but didn’t. About six months ago, the man died in a crash. By then Dad had started seeing someone but our parents agreed not to divorce to protect me and my sisters.

I have been living in a house full of lies, and I feel disgust and hatred towards my parents. Why can’t people just love the people they marry?

I haven’t told my friends because I don’t want them to think badly of my parents, but this leaves me feeling so alone. My sisters all seem OK, but I feel torn up inside.

Jess

It sounds as if your parents have dropped a huge bomb into your lap and you are struggling to cope with the results. It is one thing to be told difficult news that you might have suspected, but quite another if that news changes so much of what you thought was real and permanent.

I am not surprised that you are devastated; this leaves you questioning your parents and your trust in them, and, possibly, questioning yourself for not having realised what was going on.

However, why should you have suspected? You are at a time in your life when your family should provide the platform for you to develop your own sense of self and what you believe in. It is also a time when you are developing feelings for others. Therefore I can understand why you, especially, are so furious and hurt. Why should you be burdened with the news of your parents’ sexual arrangements when you are at a stage in your life when you are starting to deal with these issues for yourself?

I question why your parents did not tell you in a more appropriate place and manner. I also wonder why they weren’t together when they told you. They have come to an arrangement, which is, it seems, that they will continue to parent you together in the family home, but as friends. They may have come to terms with this over the past few years but that doesn’t mean that you are going to accept it.

It is not healthy for you to hold all this rage inside you — it will just build until it could cause you problems in your daily life, with other important relationships and with your school work.

I strongly advise you to share this news with your friends. I can see why you may feel shame but your parents are adults and they have made their choices, which have to be out in the open. You need your friends more than ever now. Also make an appointment to see a school counsellor — you need an outlet for how you feel, and what you discuss with him or her is confidential.

In the meantime, make a list of everything you love about your mum and dad, and then ask yourself how much of that has changed. I suspect you will say a substantial amount because you feel so betrayed, but then think about why they didn’t tell you what was going on.

Many couples want to protect their children by keeping secrets and pretending all is well. I feel that your parents wanted to keep family harmony at home so that you girls would not be affected by their issues. While secrets are wrong, you might want to consider that, in this context, their motives were not entirely selfish.

While your plea about marriage is a strong one, and a fair and brave question, there will always be those who find that they grow apart or even stop being in love while still loving each other. In essence this is about continuing to be friends but not continuing an intimate relationship.

I suspect that your parents have struggled with you not knowing. I also believe that the reason you didn’t know is because they have been good and effective parents. That does not lessen your pain but it does suggest that as parents they do really well together, and there is no reason for this not to continue.

It is optimistic for anyone to expect you to feel comfortable with the present arrangements, especially as they are so far removed from what you believed about your family. However, if you focus on what is good and strong this might give you hope that you can all work through this.

Be honest with your parents: you need some space to talk openly as a family, and I suggest that you ask your parents to organise for you all to see someone together — they can do this through your GP or your local child and family service. If you find talking to them face-to-face too difficult, leave them a letter or send an e-mail.

Talk to your friends as you need shoulders to cry on and places to let off steam. As well as the school counsellor you may find youngminds.org.uk helpful.

Families can exist happily in many forms. Above all, do remember that while it may seem that all in your family is lost, in fact all is now honest and open. At present that is unbelievably painful but there will come a time when, with the right support, a new balance and harmony could be found. Please let me know how you get on.

If you have a family problem e-mail proftanyabyron@thetimes.co.uk

Times recommends

• Live fashion advice: what to buy in the sales
• How to learn to love a cold climate
• Think yourself slim with our hypnodiet podcast