How can such lovely women with access to so many gorgeous dresses and overpaid stylists get it so badly wrong? Who knows, but speaking purely from an entertainment perspective, we’re glad that they do. If the Golden Globes are a pointer to the Oscars next month, the latter should be the mother of all Midwestern taste pile-ups

Fashion crimes of the night: too many strapless dresses on women with whom strapless is not becoming; too many women dressing as if they misread the invitation (you’re meant to collect globes, not arrive with your own on full view); too much metallic; and far too few visible signs that the women on the carpet have ever experienced a facial expression.

It is surely no coincidence that the classiest appearances are from older women such as Helen Mirren, Annette Bening and Meryl Streep — actresses fighting a rearguard action against the plastification of women, and winning best look of the night.

THE GOOD

Helen Mirren (above left)

She has won two globes for portraying queens (Elizabeths I and II), so it seems fitting that Dame Helen chose a regal blue — and lucky that it suits her so well. 10/10 for the Donna Karan dress that shows all her assets discreetly. And full marks for looking so relaxed and natural.

Emily Blunt (above right)

White swept the boards, but with temperatures hovering at 2 degrees, it’s a tricky look to pull off. Blunt, who clearly learnt some style tips on The Devil Wears Prada, gets away with it because the fabric of this vintage Hervé Leger is structured yet soft. This shows off her body beautifully without looking tacky.

Rachel Weisz (below left)

Weisz’s awards dresses can look too serious and dull, but this shade of scarlet and simple cut by Bill Blass make her look radiant and show off that creamy skin and post baby workout.

Angelina Jolie (below right)

Yes, she may have had her features tweaked a little, but on an entirely superficial level, Jolie simply glides above everyone else in this steel grey dress from St John, for which she is The Face. Proof that a pulchritudinous woman can rescue even the schlockiest of brands.

. . . AND THE BAD

Beyoncé (below right)

Is that Spanx we can see at groin level or an unfortunately placed shadow? Is that sweat or too much shimmer? Are those extensions or some kind of deconstructed shawl? And is the slit in that Elie Saab dress meant to be seductive or do you just need to use the bathroom a lot?

Salma Hayek (below right)

You’re a beautiful woman, Salma, but my your style offering is a full frontal offence, even if it is by Dior. You’re meant to raft white water rapids, not wear them.

Heidi Klum (below left)

Full marks for not shrinking to a size 0 straight after giving birth. Or maybe she has and we just can’t tell. Or maybe she’s expecting quintuplets beneath all that Givenchy — and, with those gloves, planning a home delivery.

Ashley OIsen (below right)

OK, so at least now we know whatever happened to Baby Jane. This is a perfect advertisement for not putting your daughter on the stage. Too young, too tiny (on anyone else that floor-length sable wrap would be a stole), this is cruelty to children.

Sienna Miller

Yodelledy-ho. Sienna, what were you thinking? Bad fake tan, bad fake plait and a frumpy Marchesa dress that looks too old for Joan Rivers merely compounds the menopausal Heidi effect.

Golden Globe Award winners

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