You have to wonder: why not just show the red carpet, hand out a list of winners and call it a night? Let’s face it, the ceremony itself is drearsville while that red carpet is drama, comedy and disaster movie rolled into one. Joan Rivers, a billion viewers (allegedly) ... not being able to eat for hours (that’s probably the good bit) ..... praying that the Spanx doesn’t let you down ...coping with high-definition TV for the first time.

This was the year, we were warned, that many designers would scale down their presence at the Oscars, having been burnt by false promises from actresses in the past. Luckily there were sufficient numbers with the stamina, patience and budget to step up to the plate, although there was a notable absence of ostentatious necklaces — perhaps the thesps had taken the message of Blood Diamond to heart. As for the dresses, the good were lovely, the bad sublime.

But even a circus needs a moral: a dress that looks great in the mirror can look so-so on the red carpet and a catastrophe in pictures (the reverse is never true, however). The second moral: High Concepts should be kept to special effects. The most crucial lesson is the importance of fitting the right dress to the right woman. Penélope Cruz manages to wade knee-deep in blush pink marabou fluff with aplomb. Jennifer Lopez’s pale pink Marchesa dress with its slightly glitzy Grecian neckline is another perfect match. Gorgeous (or scary) hair makes or breaks many an outfit.

Good trends? Pastel silks and satins, irridescents, asymmetric straps, beautiful waved Forties hair, airbrushed skin, minimalist beauty and wrist cuffs; Helen Mirren taking her handbag with her to collect her statue — Method acting to the end. Bad? WAG hair. Dresses that start out classy at the top and go lap-dancing by the hem; bold colours on the wrong woman — how can such a basic mistake happen? Hey, we’re only being harpies so you don’t have to.

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