News just in. Sales of Crocs have not, as predicted, nose-dived into the shoe box marked “Passé”, but have actually tripled in the past year. As some people cry: “Nooo!” to the orthopaedically correct, cheerily hued 6oz lumps of wipe-clean, injection-moulded resin, others say: “Yes, yes, yes.” To the tune of 20m pairs worldwide in 12 months. Where does that leave the rest of us? Shifting uncomfortably in fashion limbo, unwilling to cough up 29 quid for footwear of such unequalled frumpiness, yet scratching our heads at the disquieting thought that, one day, we may have to.

Is it paranoia, or are those playroom colours really calling our name? The people behind Crocs – and we should credit them here for having so successfully infiltrated the global psyche, even though there is definitely something a bit evil about it – have positioned the brand cleverly. Enthusiasts include golf caddies, gardeners, thirtysomethings who recycle, celebrities such as Davina McCall and kids under 10 – aka the lovely people. And right now, lovely is where it’s at.

Add to that a rainbow of colours to suit every skin tone, and a range of curvy styles – including one for diabetics, another called Off Road, for people who want to wear 4x4s at the ends of their legs, and, for “the cutting-edge college students”, a sort of ballet slipper called Prima – and suddenly you’re running out of excuses not to have at least 17 pairs. What you have is a shoe that epitomises the pan-global, comfort-obsessed, cheap-as-chips times we live in. Yup, the Croc wins.

Except, of course, it doesn’t, because if it did, we’d all be wearing them – and we aren’t. Converse All Stars and Uggs are one thing; Crocs, another. The modern girl isn’t afraid to do the frump thing with her shoes if her style conscience allows it. But in this case, it doesn’t. The fact is, you could imagine having sex in Converse or Uggs. Crocs still look as though they’re for people who’ve stopped having sex – or haven’t had it yet.

The issue came to a head on the internet recently, when The New York Times weighed into the argument, reigniting an old battle between two opposing websites – www.crocfans.com and www.ihatecrocs.com. There have been casualties – gruesome videos and photographs posted online of the reckless destruction of Crocs by scissors and even food blender – with insults flying to and fro. Facebook users have stepped into the fray – 500 or so dedicated groups debate such grave subjects as

“Who here is disgusted by those goddamn Croc shoes?!!!”. The New York Times claims that, far from being the mainstream Mollys of myth, Croc-lovers may be styling themselves up as brave freedom fighters for the right to dress how you like. It may have a point there. Doesn’t mean we have to wear them, though. Not yet, anyway.

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