Next month, Going Gray, a book about one woman’s decision to give up hair dye,
will be published in America. Not such a big deal, you might think, but
then, this is 2007, when only very old ladies in retirement homes have white
hair, not fortysomethings who used to work for Spy magazine. So, what
prompted the author, Anne Kreamer, to ditch the brunette and let nature take
its course? A holiday snap, in which she was sandwiched between her daughter
and an older friend. “I saw myself for what I truly was,” she writes, “a
49-year-old mother with a much too darkly shellacked helmet of hair. In one
second, all my years of careful artifice, attempting to preserve what I
thought of as a youthful look, were ripped away.”
So begins a book that addresses the ageing lie – the idea that we can all stay
youthful for ever with the right diet and hairdresser. It comes hot on the
heels of Nora Ephron’s hilarious book I Feel Bad About My Neck, a collection
of essays, some on the subject of getting older and not much enjoying it.
What the two books have in common, besides being written by Americans on the
wrong side of 40 (Ephron is 66), is a willingness to explore our weird
relationship with ageing. Or, to be more precise, the new received wisdom
that we don’t have to age any more, just as long as we put in the work.
Over there, they are calling this the anti–anti-ageing backlash. At last,
women who are in the middle of these invisible years are standing up and
saying: “Come on, just because we have banned the term ‘middle-aged’, it
doesn’t mean we aren’t exactly that.” And, more important: “How good do we
actually look in our sleeveless tops and Converse sneakers?” This is not
another debate about the rights and wrongs of the beauty industry. This is
not about the moral issues, or even the money (though Kreamer calculated
that she could have saved £32,000 on hair dye). All of that is just detail
and a distraction from the central question: why are women so desperately in
denial? Who are we kidding?
We’re being delusional
I am thinking about the forever-forty look (to borrow the fashion guru Mary
Portas’s expression). You know – skinny, worked-out body, longish, dyed
hair, tight designer jeans, whitened teeth – the look that says: “See how
lean I am? See, my style is not remotely dowdy. Aren’t you impressed? Guess
my age. I bet you think I’m in my early thirties.” It is just about okay,
until you are in a roomful of it, and then you realise that the look screams
“fortysomething in denial” – and that most of the women would look a lot
better if they cut their hair, laid off the bleach and put on half a stone.
The point is, we may not look like our mothers – we may have cast aside the
pearls and girdles and setting lotion – but we sure as hell don’t look like
our daughters. As Nigella Lawson, 47, says: “Our mothers probably thought
they looked young. We pretend ours is the real perspective, but to a
20-year-old, a 40-year-old looks old. It is very easy to be delusional.”
That is what’s happening here. Our eyes and brains have adjusted to suit our
agenda. You can wear shorts in your fifties and impress your peer group no
end. But that doesn’t mean you don’t look 50; it just means you look 50 in a
new way. We make the mistake of believing that if fortysomething for our
mothers was puffy pink arms and hot-rollered hair, then we must, by definition,
look younger with our hipster jeans and floppy fringes. Their hair was
starchy and... ageing; ours is vegetable-washed and shiny. They wore
stockings in summer; we have glossy, waxed legs. We have toned upper arms;
they had zero definition. But this is Iggy Pop territory. The man looks
extraordinary for 60, no question, but that doesn’t mean he necessarily
looks much younger than his years. The whole concept of middle youth is only
convincing if you are in the middle of it and blundering around in your
specially provided blinkers.
What does ‘good for your age’ mean?
If this were just about adults looking a little try-hard to younger
generations, it wouldn’t be so bad. But there is a more insidious side to
the middle-youth lie. It has created an uneven playing field for women. We
no longer know what “good for your age” means, or even what constitutes
“letting yourself go” (things are moving pretty fast: it could be not
getting your eyebrows waxed twice a week soon). Louise Chunn, the editor of
Good Housekeeping, began dyeing her hair again as her 50th birthday
approached, having been grey for most of her forties. “Making an effort is
mentally good for you,” she says. “But the emphasis has shifted to the point
where I fear I am going to turn around one day soon and women of my age will
all look much younger, because they will all have had stuff done.” This is,
as she says, rather different from choosing to have stuff done for its own
sake. “Even if I don’t want to go down that route, I don’t like the idea of
looking older than my contemporaries. And I don’t like the idea of being
ignored.”
Maybe this is what makes ageing such a different prospect for women who are in
their forties and beyond. If everyone else is determinedly nipping and
tucking, then the rest of us are going to look not just every inch our age,
but relatively older. There is, too, a sense that it somehow divides women.
For every woman who admits to the extent of her antiageing endeavours, there
are a thousand who admit to nothing – getting someone to own up to
Botox is like getting them to confess that they don’t recycle.
The biggest lie of the forever-forty myth is that we now have the wherewithal
to stay in what Ephron calls the “just before the bad things start to
happen” zone. This is the crux of the forever-forty conspiracy. Forty is a
cinch. Forty-one is fine, as is 42. But I can confirm that there is a big
difference between 40 and 44. Stuff happens, and the damage-limitation gets
harder. All of a sudden, you need to go to the hairdresser all the time.
Your arms look tired. Very high heels make the veins in your feet bulge.
Forget the dash of mascara – you need make-up, and plenty of it. You
need sleep. You can get a hangover from two glasses of wine. It is much
harder to buy clothes that look great and much easier to find ones that make
you look unhinged. When you are 40, you can wear anything; give it a couple
of years, and clothes you would never have considered high risk are suddenly
out of bounds: long skirts, leather, denim anything (besides jeans),
chiffon, the felt floppy hat you used to look hot in – all terrible.
Ballet pumps make you look like Baby Jane.
There are rigid don’t-go-there rules, and they have nothing to do with keeping
your figure, conditioning your hair or drinking enough water. “I don’t think
we have much choice in how we age,” says Lawson. “So to let people think
that it is up to them, and that if they try hard enough, they will overcome
it, is clearly unfair.”
Narcissists? Only because we’re worth it
Still, that is exactly what an entire industry is dedicated to doing, endorsed
by everyone from celebrities and dentists to fashion designers and doctors.
You may remember, not long ago, Nancy Dell’Olio announcing that she had a
biological age of 26. “I have it checked regularly,” she said. “Inside, I’m
very young.” It was a ludicrous statement by a woman who is estimated to be
47. Then again, is Dell’Olio’s fanciful grasp of ageing so different from
that of the average fortysomething signing up for IVF? Let’s consider the
facts: the success rate of IVF among women under 35 is 28.2%, falling to
10.6% for those aged between 40 and 42. Yet that is not what women are
choosing to hear. I have girlfriends older than that who are still delaying
their appointment with the fertility doctor, because the message out there
is: “Don’t let your birth date cramp your style. It simply doesn’t mean what
it used to.” It is all part of the same delusion.
Of course, the forever-forty con, like the IVF con, relies on the fact that so
much has changed in such a short space of time, and women have access to
treatments and medical procedures that were unheard of even 15 years ago.
You are not your mother: she didn’t have Pilates and Power Plate, sushi and
omega3 supplements, Boots antiageing serum and goodness knows what else –
a recent article in The New York Times estimated that women in Los Angeles
were spending between £1,000 and £1,700 a month on “basic maintenance” of
their looks.
“When my mother was dyeing her hair, there were two colours: blue or pink,”
says Ephron, who is not intending to go grey, for all her no-nonsense
approach to the subject of ageing. “I am a big believer in doing all the
teeny things, like having your gold fillings replaced with white ones. It
seems harmless if it makes you feel better. Are we in a worse place? Who
knows? But I certainly don’t feel angry about it, because I think we have a
choice.”
The way Lawson sees it, we are inventing a problem that doesn’t exist. “This
idea that everything is harder for us is just an extension of our
narcissism. We are actually very lucky to have things such as good hair dye.
It probably does make women neurotic and competitive, but then, women used
to be competitive about jam-making and cleaning their stoop.”
It’s all in the mind
Janet Street-Porter – who, at 60, happens to look more or less exactly
the same as she did at 40 – is equally convinced that too much time is
spent on worrying about something over which we have very little control.
She puts her youthful appearance down to genes (specifically, “thick skin”)
and attitude. “I like having dyed hair and big teeth,” she says. “Once you
go down the route of trying to look like a stereotypical babe, you’re
doomed. Looking youthful is in the mind, anyway. It’s a result of input
rather than cosmetics. Women have only got themselves to blame if they feel
bad about ageing. Liven up, for f***’s sake – there are far more
interesting things to talk about.”
Maybe the backlash has started here already.
You'll never be as young and as beautiful as you are right now - in this moment.
Its sometimes hard to love yourself all the time but I try and remember that when I feel like a blob or worse.
Enjoy your beauty now for it will all fade and 20 years from now we will wish we looked like we do today.
Antonia , London,
I am 54 and have now accepted I will never be thirty again nor will I ever have the figureI had whenI was thirty, but I feel let down by the fashion industry. I don't want to dress like my daughter in law who is twenty five ,but it seems so hard to find clothes that are fashionable and not "mutton dressed as lamb". But I will say it's great to be this age ,free to travel and do the things I want to do
Ann, edinburgh, scotland
New attitudes may confuse young people planning an adult life---certain life milestones are shifting in U.S. culture, therefore making it difficult to be the "ant" and not the "grasshopper". Advertising companies direct so much toward the 21-35 market, as if their incomes are still as disposable as most teenagers'. If you asked many young people 30 years ago what they planned on doing with their incomes during their twenties and thirties, most would express family/home/retirement. All the excess spending on luxury items with little resaleable value (entertainment technology, expensive creams and treatments, etc.) leads to adults who are not in the position of financially planning for the rest of their lives. After 35, advertisers suggest you should have already established yourself financially, therefore,"here's the new, more expensive stuff you should be buying."
"Ideal maintainence" its more expensive than looking your best..Helen Mirren: OLD, beautiful, refreshingly unapologetic.
Angela, CT,
I'm now 50; ad read that 50 is the new 40! which I agree with, yes, I use hair tint-no dye-- when needed, on my black hair,alternating auburn, cinnamon,drk brown so my hair is not just one color. I agree with one of the women, that women of color do not show age that much.(I'm American Indian)..if you take into account genes, life style, etc. I never sunbathed, recreational drugs, alcohol--things that are supposed to 'age' you--all you have to do is check out Keith Richards But really I am dong all the things the author is speaking about, I work out, eat healthy wear clothes younger than me (usually I ask my girls if what I am wearing is okay-)to get a reality check)... Life is for the liiving, I am at a stage where I want to have fun, and I am enjoying my life and looks- hope you are too!
di, Saugus,, CA
I am with the lady who says she is doing the 'teeny bits' why not for goodness sake and a brisk walk most days (MP3 firmly in place) lifts your mood and helps to ward off many diseases.
Cheap too!
My mother was the oldest blonde I knew and looked good, she was plump and her saggy arms did not affect her going out in sleeveless dresses, her sexiness came from her warmth and smile she did not agonise - I hope I can do it like her but with a few additional 21st c. aids and more information than she had.
catherine, Muscat, Oman
Self Esteem seems to be forever tied to how we think we look - no matter what our intellect . We are all too influenced by the media which survives to sell the products which promise the fountain of youth. My mother is 77, my daugher is 35. I don't know what I am, except trying to be the best me I can be. Eight years ago I ended an unhappy 28 year marriage and 6 month later fell in love for the first time. I went from shoulder length brunette covering grey to a flaming orange red, short cut. I know I will never look 40 again and I also know that should I be fortunate enough to reach 77 I won't look like my mother. Age is a state of mind and the state of one's mind determines how young one can look. I treat my body with the same respect I give my free spirit. As long as I have someone to Love and Respect I will be loveable and I will be young - which really has nothing to do with age! everything to do with happiness - that is the elixer of a youthfull persona
Linda Elliott-George, Wymondham, Norfolk
When I tell people I'm 50, I usually get the same response, one of disbelief, or the comment that I look much younger than 50. I chalk that up to not only good genes, but wearing sunscreen every day, not smoking or drinking, keeping my weight where it should be, eating right and keeping as active as possible, both mentally and physically. Still, I've been dying my hair for many years, a little lighter than what it was at twenty (brownish-black). When more and more grays came in, I decided that maybe it was time to go blonde. I reasoned that it would be an easier transition to go from blonde to gray (or white) when I decided that time had come. What a huge mistake. Despite carefully choosing the colors (I was multi-blonde - to give "dimension), the end result is that I ended up looking older, tired and washed-out. The compliments and looks from men have also dried up. I thought blondes have more fun, but this is no fun. I'm going back to brunette, (though lighter), on Monday!
Scoutabout, Bozeman , Montana USA
Great article. I'm 58 and now past the worst of the menopause - and without HRT - I toughed it out naturally against the pressure to buy into that dangerous medical fraud. My hair still has 50% natural colour and the rest is patchy grey. I have subtle highlights to even out the patchiness. Natural hair reflects light better and lighter hair suits older skin. All over colour dyes look harsh. I noticed that older women look best with the simpliest style of clothing and more attention to overall grooming. And a bit of excess weight actually makes your face look better anyway.
Marilyn, Geneva, Switzerland
I'm 45 and due to olive skin have few wrinkles. I have dyed my hair blonde for the past 10 years after a disasterous trip to the hairdressers where I didn't make myself clear enough about highlights and ended up all blonde. I can't stand regrowth and to grow it all out would mean going really short, something I don't believe my face shape could cope with (makes me look to mannish/boyish) Other than that I couldn't give a fig about ageing. I go to the gym 5 days a week but don't panic if I don't make it every day. Recently changed my diet to lose a bit of weight as I'm only 5'3" and my poor joints were suffering. I drink moderately, smoke (unfortunately) eat healthy food, sleep enough and laugh and laugh and laugh. I would not want to be in my 20's again, my 30's were taken up with kids and now my 40's are my time. My partner says I don't look my age but I wonder who he is measuring me against. I like my face, I like my personality, I am a nice person and think that is my key!
Jo, Auckland, New Zealand
When my mother died at age 84, she looked about 20 years younger, and lovely too. Since she sold cosmetics her entire life, she took very good care of her skin. She didn't smoke or drink. Her only vice she said was good coffee! ( that and pie!) She used sunscreen every day. I will say that once in her life she let her hair grow out to be completely white, looked in the mirror and said, This looks like hell, and got her light red color back courtesy of Natural Instincts by Clairol, which does not harm your hair as much as permanent color. I do not own any stock in this company. When it grows out at about 12 weeks, there is no distinct line at the roots, very natural looking. Your hair never gets brassy or dry. In honor of Marie, please eat some fruit pie with ice cream on top! Cheers!
Miss May, Chattanooga, Tennessee
I'm happy to dye my hair at the moment., but it's really up to the individual. My problem is that, if I left it to grow out, my natural hair colour would be all grey at the front , streaky at the sides and much darker at the back. So I intend to carry on with the hair dye for as long as possible, hopefully throughout the rest of my 50's. Maybe by 60, my natural colour will be an even grey all over and then I can take the the plunge! I think as long as you choose a colourant a few shades lighter than your natural colour (if you can remember it!!), and certainly nothing darker than your eyebrows)), you can get away with it. But the silver roots are a real pain - although there are some touch-in brushes on the market now (like giant mascaras) which work quite well.
I was amused by this rather ambiguous statement from an earlier contributor:
"You can only avoid the ravages of old-age by dying" .........your hair??
EM, Watford, UK
I'm nearly fifty never lie about my age, have five kids, don't smoke, hardly if ever drink aclohol never liked or laid in the sun for hours on end.
I have a sister who is eight years younger, smokes, drinks has always 'caned' the sun and people ask if she's the eldest, when we are together (told we look alike).
I think smoking, too much alcohol and sun prematurely age you, and no matter how much you spend on creams, botox or anti ageing products, it's too late the damage is done.
Terri, London, UK
Been Grey (or US Gray) since late 20s - but personality counts for more than being a slave to what one must wear & how one must look ... but each to their own.
KMW, Middlx,
Such an insightful article. Women in their fifties don't look 18 anymore. What??? Those same women don't dress the same way their mothers did at the same age. You gotta be kidding me!!!! And there are real good advice for women over forty : don't diet, don't exercise, don't even think about it.
Nana, San Diego,
I really respect women who try hard to stay young looking, because I do it myself!
I'm 66. Won't bother you with my statistics, but plenty of exercise, low bodyfat, superfoods and hair dye are the basic essentials. No smoking of course.
Choose clothes as sexy as you can just get away with, not too way out. And no whiskers or beards (either sex!) or exaggerated hair styles. With hair, colour, length (and whether it's there at all!) are the most important things.
Women's hair always looks better if not artificially curled too much.
Dave, Southampton, UK
At 48, I find myself still wearing a watered down version of the "semi rock-chick" style which I sported so successfully through my 20's and 30's. The ever-increasing list of garments which I can no longer wear (anything that shows rock-cake knees, dimpled stomach, sun-damaged decolletage, vein-trammelled calves, etc) leaves me with wardrobe full of just jeans and tops. It's not clever, it's not imaginative, it's certainly not elegant - and it says nothing about my character or personality. I know I need a new style, (perhaps something more Betty Jackson than Betsey Johnson now), but when your budget is "High Street", there's really not much choice available. I'll never be ready for M&S, Next fabrics are generally 50% synthetic, Karen Millen too dressy, Boden too yummy, Monsoon too "wedding party". Jigsaw/French Connection are good in parts, but too expensive. Just hopeless.
Charlotte Chamier, Deal, Kent
Hell! Life's for living! I was 52 when I had my first tatoo and added a second a few years later. Both are intellectual unicorns and both are on the same leg's upper thigh. I dye my hair red ( sometimes it's gharish, but then it calms down as you wash it). Exercise? A Gym? No way! Too boring. I swim and ride a horse and walk a lot. I am now 63 and at last clothes are kinder to us aging hippies, but now I have the time and the facilities to make my own. I go to lectures at museums, study Spanish, brush up my very dusty computer skills so I can fight with it a bit more and will take up watercolour. Do I look my age? Do I care?
I noted with amusement that when women thought they'd got it right, someone went and invented cellulite, then botox (Funzie!) Now we have bingo wings. Why bingo? Why not bat wings? So we all have to have the muscles of a sumo wrestler inside stick-thin bodies? No we don't. Set your own style and then ask why your favourite designer doesn't make clothes to fit you.
Carlyle Braden, Croydon, Uk
I call the all over dye 'the Dot Cotton' look - I am sporting one at the moment!! Otherwise I look like a badger....not sure which is better really....
Kathi, Stockholm,
Looking back, the best anti aging is good health, diet and exercise; the rest is just re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.
Sue Erwin, milford , oH
There was a time when people looked at the elderly with respect for the wisdom that comes with age. Some how, that faded during the 1960's and 1970's.
Joseph, NYC, USA
My advice would be stop worrying about what the others think. Do what works for you. I am male, 53, grey, but with the same body shape I had at 16 (ie 10 and a half stone, 6 foot tall). I wear Converse shoes, and fashionable jeans, but thats because I have always worn them. Where I would draw the line is to try and dress as a teenager - ie skinny leg jeans, leary coloured shoes, assymetrical hair style etc - but there is nothing wrong with dying your hair. We were all doing it in the 1970's so why not carry on. What has changed for me is that I used to really enjoy vintage clothes - mostly from the 1950's but also from other eras - but if I wear them now it looks like am just locked into some kind of time warp, rather than being deriguer! Alternatively, find a classic style all your own and just keep that for years on end, a la Patti Smith - Patti does not look young, but she also does not look old!!
Chris, Crawley,
Who wants to be part of a tribe of look-a-like Botoxed Stepford-Wife-like forty or fifty-somethings? If you think about older women who retain their sex appeal and attractiveness, the thing that stands out about them is just that - their distinctive sense of style, not their adherence to a particular look. I'm thinking of women like Katherine Hepburn in her later years, or Audrey Hepburn. Well-groomed older women who are trying too hard to fit with their peers are becoming scarily-homogenous in their appearance, with their individual personalities subsumed in 'classy beige make-up', highlights and that slightly-weird expression given by expensive dentistry and cosmetic surgery. The more we feel we have to subscribe to this particular 'look', the less confidence we have and the more unattractively self-obsessed we become. Women with the confidence to be individuals, and who have their own style, will always retain their sex-appeal and attractiveness.
Mel, Norwich, UK
Oh yes, those uncertainties which seem more now there is no defining look for any age. Our mothers were okay, there was a "uniform" for 50 something mums but now we're constantly told we can wear anything. (I don't agree). I'm the wrong side of 50, yes I do dye my hair (I've completely forgotten what the original colour was......mousey brown I think) blonde and try to keep the worst ravages of age at bay BUT I want to age gracefully and "appropriately" and not try to wear the same clothes as my 24 year old daughter. Life is for living not worrying about bingo wings or whether to have botox or not.
Stella Kenrick, Worcester, Worcs
i am fifty and look nothing like it. i had to give up on a boyfriend/lover who was sixty and looked it. trouble is i have dark skin and no wrinkles.
when people meet my two children (20 and 19) they are going no way etc.
i know i look young for my age: all my younger siblings look years older than me.
trouble is, i have only just started dating again, after endind a very long term relationship.
the most i pay for skin creams is £5 for a bottle from the shop that stocks cosmetics for africans.
i have seen several black women who do not look their age: why are scientists not interested in researching this aspect of aging.
i believe that being of a darker hue prevents my wrinkles from appearing, so all those scientists out there, why do you not research this?
lucky, london, uk
I am a natural blonde and am very tired of being told to have my colour touched up. It isn't my fault if those bottle jobs look like a peice of sun bleached coral. I am never colouring my hair, no matter how gray. I have earned the ones I have and plan to wear the rest as they come like a badge of honor.
Middle-aged is just that, in the middle. Why should I try to look 25? I wouldn't want to be at that somewhat akward age again and I don't want to look it. I am old enough to know who I am, what I want, and how to go about getting it. I've ditched the mini-skirts ages ago. I encourage all my fretting friends to run laps around those whipper-snappers and show them how a woman with a firm grasp on life really lives!
Jeanette W, Grantie Falls, NC, USA
Learn to love and value yourself not for how you look or how others see you. Good grooming is the key to looking good, not tons of make up that actually makes you look even older. Forget about dressing like a 20 year old as you will look like mutton dressed up as lamb!! That is what will make you depressed and actually make you feel old. Dressed stylishly, sensibly and suitably, forget about mini skirts & tight low cut jeans (only those who are young, slim and gorgeous can wear them) Clothes can look sexy without looking trashy. If you are buxom, slight low cut can look really feminine. Keep hair shoulder length and no longer as you will look older any longer than that. A definite must is color your roots, There are plenty of time to grow grey from 65 onwards perhaps but definitely not in your 50s!! The last advice would be to accept your age and be thankful that God has blessed you with life. The alternative is an early death.
Virginia, brisbane, Australia
It's rather interesting dating in your forties and seeing what men of the same age want!! Even if they are 45, many of them seem to want women in the age range of 25-46!! Unfortunately western society is fascinated by youth and does not venerate the older person. It's about time this changed!
Catherine, Leeds,
ach as long as your having fun girls. Ive finely trimmed my body
just to make up for my severly squint tits since I was butcherd/saved from breast cancer with no prospects of being reformed due to radiation therapy. My body still dosent look ok upside down or in any yoga positions showing early signs of the yet to come wrinkly thies. If I live to be older and more wrinkly I should be pleased right. My personal plan on staying healthy and young is to have as much fun as possible while not offending my soul in doing so. 44.
cynthia, haarlem,
great article, I too would like to go grey but I look around and no one else is, it's all about taking that first leap isn't it and how do you start the whole process of giving up the dye? I calculated how much I could save in a year too, scary!
Justine Gordon, Faversham, Kent,
I used to get highlights put into my "salt and pepper" hair. I was very happy with the result and felt they looked less artificial than a total dyeing job. At present I've just finished chemotherapy for breast cancer and my hair is growing in pure white. I'm going to leave it uncoloured for a while to see how I feel with it. I have heard that regular dyeing might lead to breast cancer but there's no real evidence for it.
Isobel, Berlin, Germany
I still think of myself as young - inside at any rate - but my date of birth, which once spelt youthful now spells old. I am 66. So I chuckle a bit when I read of women of 40 who pretend theirs is the real perspective but then feel delusional when they realise they seem old to 20 year olds. 20, the real perspective? Nonsense. The real perspective comes when you're your mother's age and you understand how youthful she felt - inside. And then at last, you see the story from both sides.
Marni, Crouch End,
Should women look their age? There's no "should" about it. They do. What's wrong with that?
Edmund Burke, Kingston upon Thames, England
We try to look younger than we are because unless we do, we're led to believe by the media et al that we are invisible, asexual and worthless, when quite obviously we are not!! You can only grow old gracefully if you don't care what you look like nor care what anyone else thinks about you. If you still want to be perceived as "attractive" then you have to put the effort in.
Lesley, Reading, UK
Having plastic surgery alters people permanently but not in the good way they expect. Sure, under good lighting, with careful air-brushing, photographs or screen appearances of media stars make them look great. But if the women turn their heads a smidgen or are seen in the normal light of day, cosmetic surgery can make women look as if they have been in an accident. The cut lines under the eyes and the way some of the facial skin is stretched taut makes it a dead give-away.
As for that shellacked dyed helmet look, how ageing that looks compared to clean conditioned greying hair, which has enough interesting strands of naturally changing colour in it to make it attractive.
Women who have not been tampered with have sufficient natural qualities to make them attractive. It is the uniform, simplified look of attempted glamour that is so harshly ageing for women over fifty.
anita, London,
At last some common sense about ageing. Fighting age is doomed - you will get older. You can only avoid the ravages of old-age by dying.
Enjoy life instead!
PS. No one 60 years old ever looked 40! Please!
Brooks, Munich, Germany
Yes i ditched the dying when i was late forties (now in my 70's)
and it gave a softer look to my face . All my life tried to be blonde and now it has turned out to be a natural silvery blonde - bliss. Just try to dress the best way to suit your body . unless you can have radical surgery (dangerous) there is always some parts of the body that will give away age but the only cure for old age is death so let's enjoy what we have .Mary Darlington
Mary, Darlington, U.K.
Oh pooh!!
I am 45 and three quarters, overweight, with long blonde hair (that last saw a hairdresser more than a year ago) and I wear whatever fits and is clean in the morning. I am just about to start a series of fitness training because I feel uncomfortable and want to be able to enjoy my holidays in Greece more - NOT because I care two hoots about looking younger. Being 'old' is what goes on in your head and what you do with your life. It has ziltch to do with your clothes, hair dye etc. I suggest that if you consider yourself old you are old and if you are bothered about it you are positively antique!! If you are healthy, and happy what on earth do numbers on your birth cert count for? The difficulty is that so many people aren't happy or healthy and fixate on their looks as if that was their main problem. Self deception just keeps you all avoiding the real problems and staying sadly unfulfilled.
Michele, UK,
We wouldn’t need to keep trying to look younger for longer if we weren’t bombarded with pictures of young models, celebs etc in bikinis everywhere we look making those of us over 40 feel totally invisible and undervalued! I for one am going to go down fighting!!
Dando, Reading, UK
I'm 55 and about to be 56 and am a greyed male. My beard has traces of the fiery red which it used to be but I'm comfortable with my hair changing colour and my facial hair. Yes, I'm middle aged and it's obvious, even to me.
I find it sad to see women trying to look younger than they are. No longer can I admire the colour of a woman's hair because it will probably be out of a bottle. It is pitiful to see a taut face with a fixed expression with the eyes of an octogenarian peering out as if they are looking through a mask - which I guess they are.
Whatever happened to aging 'gracefully'?
Paul B, Herts, UK
That author who looked at herself in a photograph and observed her "darkly shellacked helment of hair " could be me, except that my dyed hair is on the straggly side. I don't look a convincing brunette any more. Sometimes I look to msyelf almost like a man in drag. I just can't afford to have it professionally coloured every three or four weeks and so "in between" visits to the hairdressers I try to colour the roots with one of the semi-permanent colours around in Boots. But the colour never matches completely that from the hairdresser. I am thinking of ditching the dyeing, letting it grow out, see what "colour" it really is now and then find a lighter colour. However I have pale skin, and to go grey might wash me out completely. Nor does short hair suit my face. I've always had it shoulder length or longer. It would take at least a year to let the colour grow out. Maybe I could wear it up, in a chignon. Funny how the uncertainties over looks in teenage years come back years on!
Soozie, London,