Look at the winsome lady to the right. It’s the actress Maggie Gyllenhaal,
Jake’s big sister, and doesn’t she look pretty? All knowing smile and
dancing eyes, she’s like that sixth-former you used to see parading around
school like she owned the place, trailed by an army of adoring minions. But
what’s Maggie, a bluestocking type, doing modelling satin basques? If you
asked the average bloke in the street who they would want to see in their
undies, she wouldn’t be top of the list. She’s comely but somewhat
unconventional, and even Agent Provocateur – for which she is appearing in a
new book of erotic fiction – admits she isn’t obvious man-magnet material.
“We’ve always been mindful to create a brand that appeals to both men and
women,” says Serena Rees, the co-founder of Agent Provocateur. And so they
have. These pictures acknowledge the fact that girls fancy girls.
Oh, ladies – but we do, don’t we? We don’t talk about it much – even to our
closest friends. But most of us, and I speak here of girls who generally
like boys more, have, at some point, harboured a furtive crush on another
woman.
When I was 11, I met a girl from the lower fifth at a swimming gala and,
probably because she spoke to me, immediately developed an uncontrollable
admiration for her. That night, in a bedroom covered in Smash Hits posters,
I wrote in my diary: “She’s so beautiful and cool and I love her. But it
doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian.”
What I didn’t get then is that girl-fancying has zero to do with the hot
lezzer lust you see splashed on the cover of Nuts. That’s just crude male
titillation – and girl crushes aren’t about men. In fact, with the possible
exception of Scarlett Johansson, it’s rare that the sorts of girl we fancy
are the same ones as the lads do.
The girls we’d go gay for aren’t the idealised versions of womanhood that men
get off on – they are super-improved versions of ourselves. They’re the sort
of female we want to hang out with and even want to be – in the way they
dress, what they say and what they do. Angelina Jolie is a top girl crush
because she’s powerful, in charge of herself and a wildcat with a sapphic
past – but she’s too much for some men.
We’ve always hero-worshipped Kate Moss, but a lot of blokes think she’s
scrawny.
The new girl crush on the block is the 23-year-old Lovefoxxx, from the
Brazilian rock band Cansei de Ser Sexy. She cavorts on stage in stripy
jumpsuits and cut-off jeans, and her body isn’t a perfect 10, but so what,
when she expresses herself with such joyful abandon – and wouldn’t it be
nice to have some of it, in more ways than one?
Yes, ladies, crushes are all about you. They are about the private and complex
you that men – bless them – simply don’t get. This is why your object of
desire won’t ever be just pretty. She will also have an interesting mind (or
at least appear to, by wearing stylish hats) and a big, preferably torrid,
back story, and, crucially, she’ll be too busy being awe-inspiring to care
much what you think of her.
The thinking woman’s crumpet is much more compelling than just crumpet:
Dorothy Parker, Emily Brontë, Zelda Fitzgerald, Colette, Sylvia Plath –
these women were as unfathomable and brilliant as we sometimes like to think
we are. And because they were clever, they were also out of reach – even
in their lifetimes. Enigma is a critical crush ingredient. That’s why you
hope not to bump into your favourite sixth-former 15 years later, plump and
harried, pushing a buggy through Tesco.
Of course, the critical question actually is: would we go there? Stories about
clandestine sexual awakenings are very erotic – oh, Anna Friel in Brookside!
Oh, Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry! But if Maggie G turned up on your
doorstep promising to take you to places you’d never been before – yes or no?
Some of us would and have. And some of us are scaredy-cats and, whatever we
tell people when we’re drunk, would probably just rather think about doing
it than make the leap from fantasy to flesh. Sienna Miller and Keira
Knightley are about to reignite the whole question in their new movie The
Edge of Love, in which they play the lovers of Dylan Thomas. The girls have
started the titillation early by appearing together everywhere, hand in
hand. Are they or aren’t they?
Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe crushes are best left as vaguely disquieting
feelings that tell us more about who we are than what we think about others.
As private daydreams, they’re the last piece of our sexuality that properly
belongs to us.
Lessons in Lingerie, is part of a collection of books entitled The Adventures
of Miss AP. To see the whole saucy story, go to www.agentprovocateur.com
GIRL ON GIRL
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
The self-possessed 22-year-old actress is disarmingly open about her sexual
needs, particularly when it comes to spontaneous in-lift loving. Having the
hots for her means you’re totally cool with your sexuality – plus, how
delicious are those lips?
EMILY BLUNT AND NATHALIE PRESS
They exploded into our fantasies in My Summer of Love as a tortured
trustafarian and the gal from the wrong side of the tracks who get hot and
heavy. Don’t let the fact that Blunt is seeing the handsome-but-square
crooner Michael Bublé destroy the reverie.
JENNIFER ANISTON
She doesn’t smoulder like Angelina – in fact, you suspect Jen is a wee bit of
a prude. But there’s a twinkle in those eyes; a shine to that hair. She’s
the antiAngelina, a clean, cool compress for a heated brow. Could she be the
perfect best friend with benefits?
BETH FROM BROOKSIDE
Whatever else she does, Anna Friel will always be best remembered for her role
as Beth Jordache in Brookside and, more specifically, for her career-making
smooch with Margaret Clemence in 1993 – the first prewatershed lesbian kiss
on British TV. Shall we just... rewind that?
CHLOE SEVIGNY
The 32-year-old indie girl’s indie girl has been around the block enough times
to know what’s what in the girl-on-girl department. Not a great beauty, but,
with her sexily uncompromising personal style, you just know she’d kiss you
right back.
