I am an f-ing woman. What I mean is, I am fat (size 20/22, 5ft 5in), fifty plus, but do not want to be frumpy at my son’s wedding in April. He and his fiancée are marrying in a civil ceremony followed by a reception then a party, all at his old prep school. So I need something that will last through the afternoon and into the evening and photograph well. I live in deepest Sussex and don’t have much shopping time, or budget. I have trawled the web and not found anything sufficiently stylish. I also love the occasional zing of colour. I’m not really looking for that middle-class mummy look, but something a little more dashing.

I have occasionally admired what Dame Judi Dench wears but do not, I expect, have her buying power. I wondered about some sort of mandarin jacket/coat over a top and trousers or skirt, but I do have to be careful not to look as if I am in full sail. I need some sort of outfit that probably has nothing to do with fashion but will flatter, honour this very special occasion and be worth splashing out on.

Be comforted; you are not alone. My e-mail box every week is packed with cris de coeur from women with exactly the same problems. Few of the most desirable labels go up to size 20. I think the best strategy is to devise a way of dressing that you make your own. The key to avoiding looking frumpy is to add some dash – colour, a gorgeous turban, interesting jewellery. Some rather stylish large women have evolved an utterly consistent look: they wear something anonymous and black, and over it a dazzling silk or satin evening coat. Often the coat has huge sleeves or interesting collars that stand up and frame the face. I’ve seen Zaha Hadid, the architect, in stunning emerald green and sizzling red. It works a treat and nobody has a clue what size she is.

Sarah Mahaffy, whose shop Maharani in London SW6 specialises in all sorts of gorgeous things from India, has lovely handmade silk coats and jackets. She doesn’t carry a vast stock, so colours and sizes may at any one time be restricted. But you can order any colour, length and size. The jackets cost £175. www.maharanitrading.com

As to the Judi Dench look, she has an encomium to Hampstead Bazaar on its website: “When I’m in a panic and in a hurry to go out, I can’t go wrong if I wear a dress from Bazaar.” There is a branch in Brighton, which may not be too far from you. David Downton has drawn for us one of the many outfits that it offers; all skim kindly past the lumps and bumps. The turquoise top costs £70, the jacket £125 and the trousers £79. It also has brightly coloured jackets and coats that can be worn over its black silk trousers.

Let me once again remind larger readers that Selfridges’ third floor is filled with designs that look kindly on curvier women. If you insist on not visiting a shop and want to buy online (not in my view sensible for those without easy shapes, because sizes and cuts vary and you do need to see how clothes look on) www.curvydiva.co.uk has a good selection of interesting dressy clothes for larger sizes, such as the purple velvet dress which comes in a fairly simple shape with a not-too-low neck and longish sleeves for just £99. And sizes go up to 20/22.

asklucia@thetimes.co.uk or write to Ask Lucia, times2, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT, describing your style dilemma. Please include your personal details. Lucia regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

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