What wouldn’t you give to be a McDonald’s employee right now? They must feel so elated; it’s like all their Christmases have come at once and they’ve clinched Dale’s Big Money Jackpot on In It to Win It.

Have you seen the new uniforms designed by Bruce Oldfield? Has there ever been a more heavenly vision of black and white polyester? And that Lady Penelope neckerchief! So perfect when bent double over a deep fat fryer while one’s cheek sweat trickles gently into man-made fibres. As a former Sainsbury’s employee, I know how special it feels to slip each morning into a crackly acrylic number.

Inevitably, McDonald’s says that the new uniform (basically a nasty polo shirt with a horrific sort of kick-flare skirt – they could have used my Seventies gym kit) reflects a glide “upmarket”. “These uniforms give a more premium feel,” said a McDonald’s spokesman. Now, I’m thinking right outside the box here, but do you reckon that if McDonald’s really wants to move upmarket, it’s not the uniforms that need changing but the food? Since I’m cruising for a missive from McDonald’s, I’ll say, yes, the chain’s use of free-range eggs is impressive and things have improved quite a bit, but, really, it doesn’t matter whether the person serving wears black, white or turd brown if a quick drive-thru meal still leaves you feeling like you need a mouthwash.

Acquiring a “swankier” image seems to be all the rage among our once unpretentious outlets. Asda, that other emporium of chic, has dumped its “face”, Coleen McLoughlin, for being too redolent of WAGs. Top of its wish list to replace her is Carla Bruni.

Hold on. At least Coleen came from a council estate, once wore a cheap padded jacket and used to work in New Look. You could half believe that, if pushed, she might sling on a George thong. But can you imagine Carla Bruni shimmying around the Château de Versailles at weekends in a viscose/polyester cardie and six quid push-up bra? Do these companies think that customers will be so over-awed by a high-cheeked model or a burger flipper in a new pair of nylon slacks, that they won’t notice other, decidedly downmarket stuff? You know, like those reports back in 2004 that said a McDonald’s salad was more fattening than a burger? Eleven supermarkets, including Tesco, Asda and Sainsbury’s, are now under investigation for allegedly colluding over the price of cigarettes. Far worse, Asda came eighth out of eight in Compassion in World Farming’s Compassionate Supermarket league table, a fact that no pouting Italian bird will make me conveniently forget.

Surface titillation is all very well, but here’s an idea: before these companies start worrying about the fur coat, they should make sure they’re wearing the knickers.

bargainhunter@thetimes.co.uk

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