First law of consumerism, it almost goes without saying, is beware of any label or shop with chic or elegant in the title. Even if they’re being ironic. No one can bestow these tributes on themselves – it would be like boasting about one’s modesty.

Second law, miracles are best reserved for a biblical context. Miraculous jeans, FitFlops, etc, don’t really cut it.

But beaches are sandy, a bit like the Bible, and six days before a holiday with no foreseeable window in which to knuckle down and do that SAS-inspired Flat Stomach in 14 days or your money back programme is a fairly good approximation of a plague-like situation. (OK, things have got way out of perspective, but that’s what happens shortly before holidays.)

Enter the Summer Lovin oceanus soft cup swimsuit. Admittedly, there is not one word in that description that inspires confidence. But the Summer Lovin soft cup is part of the Miraclesuit franchise, which promises the wearer that she will instantly look 10lb lighter and although, as already discussed, miracle is not a word to be trusted, and indeed when allied to swimwear, might be taken to be blatant exploitation of the nation’s vulnerabilities, the soft cup is stocked by some of our most reputable retailers. And, 10lb lighter is not to be sniffed at. This could be £110 wisely spent. So I sent off for one.

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BACKGROUND

• Louboutin: the most wanted shoe brand

• Why everything is now designer

• Matching your hemline to the economy

Reader, the initial unveiling was not promising. The oceanus soft cup looks as though it was designed for 60-year-olds circa 1983. I say 60-year-olds, but as we now all know, the 63-year-old Dame Helen Mirren wouldn’t be seen dead in it. I think the official description for the print is “tropical hibiscus”, but it could equally be “something we found in the back of Joan Collins’s wardrobe”. But in the name of altruism, I clambered into it.

If anything the print looked more hideous on. But – and it’s a big but – the people behind Miraclesuit know how to cut. This is a very flattering shape – not ridiculously high in the leg so that you look like a Vegas showgirl, but high enough to elongate and do all the things a high leg should do. The straps offer plenty of support, without looking frumpy, and the bra part certainly lifts and holds in place. And – oh joy – a recce on www.figleaves.com reveals that the Miraclesuit comes in various guises, some of them are even attractive. I love the strapless ones.

What it doesn’t come in is two pieces. Of course it doesn’t. Because this particular miracle relies on panelling that gives a streamlined stomach and hips, without looking absurdly constricting. A bikini that could do all that – now that would be epic. In its absence, this will do.

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