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Gliding (OK, drooping) through four weeks of shows, canapés and feuds isn't necessarily the best way of keeping in touch with reality. But this time reality kept intruding. Even so, I managed to miss the moment when Gordon declared Universal Austerity. But judging by the weekend supplements, that's what's happened. Now, at any rate, it might as well be 1948 to judge by the tone of some articles.
It is going to be tough, especially for the poor old lifestyle spread, which has grown cosily accustomed to featuring £9,000 handbags and £300 toasters, but they'll probably pull through. Still, for accuracy's sake, I checked austerity rations and, at their most meagre, women were confined to 36 clothing coupons a year. Considering that a lined macintosh accounted for 14 coupons and a night-dress gobbled up six, it doesn't take much imagination to conclude that this season's python-skin Versace boots would probably require about 20 years of ration books.
Mind you, although make-up was in scant supply, women were encouraged to wear it to work in munitions factories to protect their skin from flying grit. Some workplaces installed hairdressers to discourage absenteeism. This acknowledgement that some luxuries are as near as dammit to being necessities seems peculiarly enlightened, if rather un-British, for the time.
The other point worth remembering as we clamber out of our vale of tears is that most of us enter what is clearly going to be a time of belt-tightening with considerably more in our wardrobes than they had in 1941, when clothes rationing was introduced. And there's more good news: I see from my reports from the shows in February and March (ie, the winter collections in the shops now) that there really wasn't very much that was new in the way of ideas, certainly nothing that a quick needle job (or very possibly a detour to the mender) can't procure. Isn't it quaint to think that a needle job once meant something other than a trip to Dr Sebagh? And how satisfying it is to reclaim it.
Well, Jamie has his Ministry of Food and I want my Ministry of Fashion. So in the spirit of celebrating what you already have, I offer ten tips, some little, some microscopic (God is in the details) for making it all seem utterly of the moment, even if that moment isn't great.
1. Shorten your trousers
This is the single easiest route to modernising existing trousers. It works
best on straight legs and with heels. An inch or two above the ankle is the
most modish, but slightly above is just fine for those of us lacking endless
legs. A bare ankle is the new erogenous zone. After years of celebrity
cleavage, that's a result in itself.
2. Cut your coat sleeves
Cut them off at the elbow or, if you're daring, at the upper arm, and wear
over thick sweaters - note, they have to be quite wide to work. Please pin
first to see how it looks, or I won't be held responsible for the
consequences.
3. It's a cinch
Got a favourite coat, cardigan or jacket? Belt it. There, that wasn't hard,
was it?
4. Revive an old skirt
Play around with skirt lengths - anything goes, but sometimes an inch added or
subtracted can give something a new lease of life.
5. Layer it on
Layer different shades of neutral vests under a cardigan for an urban, sporty
update.
6. Salvage summer's frock
Dig out a poloneck and thick tights and wear them with summer dresses.
7. Add military buttons
Replace cheap plastic ones with any kind of classy button and witness an
instant transformation. Even I, with my patchy record in home economics, can
manage that. While we're altering, Bobbi Specialist Shoe Dyer (020-8360
6148) transforms silk and satin shoes and bags - perfect for wedding shoes
that have been worn just once.
8. Be a scarf ace
A nice scarf needn't be pricey and adds that sweet Ali McGraw in Love Story
touch.
9. Get a haircut
A good haircut tends to cost a fortune, but cost per wear, it is the ultimate
investment.
10. Finish with diamonds
Is now a good time to mention (clean) diamonds? If you already have them, drag
them out and relish them. If not, they're probably a safer buy than bonds.
Affordable designs from Vanessa Bruno
Vanessa Bruno is one of those designers whose show is often overlooked in the general melée of reporting. Perhaps it's because she tends to focus on clothes that will make the journey from catwalk to wardrobe without drastic modification. Or maybe it's because, for a show-worthy label, this is an affordable one. Tops cost around £150-£180, trousers around £200 and a marabou jacket (a strangely compelling idea, I'm discovering, since you can wear it over another warmer jacket for a thoroughly glamorous evening escapade), £445. Not cheap, but while she nails that slouchy, Parisian chic that's still so current, she also has the knack of combining it with a classic sensibility that makes her clothes long-term stayers in the wardrobe. I like them because they flatter, are comfortable yet sexy and are always commented on favourably without being in your face, or try-hard. You can find them in Selfridges, Matches and on netaporter.com, but you really need to try them on to see how they work.
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Sorry, I agree with the others. I thought the point about the winter coat was that it had long sleeves because it was erm COLD!! Will Lisa be cutting the arms off one of Vanessa Bruno's oh so 'affordable' designs - the jacket coming in at a credit crunching £445?
J Elkington, Burntwood,
I rather liked it, actually.
Elizabeth, Suffolk,
Terrible ideas. Not only are they uncreative but they are incredibly depressing! UGH!!!! Terrible, terrible advice.
jessica, London,
these "ideas" are the sort of article you get in womans own magazine. Totally rubbish!
Sara Lee, worthing, west sussex