Last week it was all about the 80-year-olds. This week, such is the scope of this most un-ageist of columns, it’s the turn of the ten-year-olds. Or, to be specific, one ten-year-old who asked me, at a Q&A session at the Cheltenham Literary Festival recently, whether it was completely and utterly mandatory to wear a dress to a prom. Something about the way she phrased this made it clear that she had already deduced that the answer was yes, and that this deduction filled her with deep despondency. Naturally, I told her that fashion is there to be enjoyed, not endured, especially at 10.

I could see she wasn’t entirely convinced. Then I explained how Kate Moss (above) had become one of the most stylish women in the world by flouting the rules and always wearing what made her happy. The girl’s blank expression suggested that Kate Moss has about as much resonance with ten-year-olds as Cilla Black. But I include her here nonetheless because, for previous generations, she remains an inspiration worth bearing in mind.

Proms are one of those American imports designed to explode the myth that Britain is not the poor relation in the not-so-special relationship. We always have been and, frankly, with this prom business, that’s not going to change. Because, whereas in America someone who looks like Zac Ephron picks you up in his Hummer and whisks you off to a school building that looks like the inside of a Hilton, here you have to hitch a lift with your parents and wait for someone who looks like Ricky from EastEnders to ignore you in a Portakabin. Or, at any rate, that’s the impression I’ve gleaned from extensive research into the cultural differences between the Sweet 16 soirées that are increasingly held on either side of the Atlantic – research I conducted largely by peering through my fingers at MTV’s excruciating coverage of an endless roster of dazzlingly indulged teens, every so often asking my addicted daughters, “How can you watch this?”

If you don’t know what a Sweet 16 is, by the way, then count yourself lucky. Those who do know will be only too aware that they are as sartorially challenging as the prom, possibly more so, because there’s more money at stake and more potential for skin breakouts. In the end, however, both come down to the Eternal Dilemma: how do you wear a dress when you’re not a dress kind of girl?

After careful consideration, I think you don’t. You look for alternatives that suggest a dress-like level of respect for the occasion, but which also allow you not to betray your inner tomboy. If you’re 10, this could be a pair of great hotpants, some glittery tights and a really sparkly top. If you’re 16, you can go tough-glam – leather leggings, rocking shoes, and as glamorous (but not tarty) a top as you can withstand. It is important, by the way, this issue of not betraying your true nature. Learn it now. It will stand you in better stead than any number of dresses.

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